The ‘I’ Word……

                                                       Infertility (part II)

Shortly after all the healing was complete from my previous surgery, I was referred to a different OB/GYN that specialized in fertility and high risks. I wanted to know exactly what my future held or as much information that I could. I was getting married in 3 months and I wanted to know if my (soon to be) husband and I could have kids, and I also wanted to know what obstacles we might face when we were ready to start a family.

In February of ’13 I had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) exam performed that month, and I will say that I didn’t like it much. I knew once this test was performed she could tell me right away what the outcome was. After and hour of poking and prodding (when it should have only taken a fraction of that time) it was finally over. My heart was pumping so quickly and so loudly, I could feel it in my throat. I was so nervous, but, I had walked into this room fully believing and trusting that my God was a healer and everything was perfect. I fully believed this. With her hand resting on my shoulder her words felt like daggers to my heart. Both of my fallopian tubes 100% blocked. I remember watching her lips form words, saying that she was sorry. That she didn’t understand, and that she wished she had better news for me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I couldn’t see. There were too many tears. My emotions that moment were not bashful.

That night I had to tell my man… Mustering up enough courage to tell the man I am about to marry that our future of kids was compromised greatly, was heavy. That night I know deep down we both mourned for what might not come to be. We prayed. At this point in time we were in our premarital counseling. We were lucky enough to be mentored by two of my favorite people. People whom I will always consider to be my second set of parents. Instead of talking marriage we decided (after debating whether we would go at all) to tell them what obstacle we were now facing . Their only (amazing) response was to lead us in communion together. It was beautiful and heart breaking all at the same time.

Isaiah 41:10
 
So do not fear for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

For several weeks I went into a cocoon. Processing. Just me and Jesus. I remember having conversations with my fiance and conversations with some of my close friends. However, I couldn’t tell you what they were about or even how they resolved. I knew there was some disagreements thrown in there, and I knew there were moments of utter weakness and feelings of failure. There was this season of anger, and resentment, and hurt now in front of me. I had no idea where to begin, and how I would maneuver may way through this emotional mess. It felt like I sat down in the middle of my life and things just kept moving on without me. Bills came and went, work came and went. I even had a bridal shower thrown in there, and two baby showers that I attended. Life just coasted on by, ignoring the simple fact that I needed a moment to stop.

Journal entry
” I don’t think I will ever forget a late night text from Joe….. It was a prayer that he said he had for me. This prayer was simple, and several lines of it read… ‘ I see you, I see you, I see you…’ This rattled me to my core. Here I was thinking I was held captive by this dark. That no one could see the pain or hurting. But our father, He ALWAYS sees me. He always knew and saw how broken I was. … And that’s exactly where he wanted me.”

I believe God created me as a processor. To let life pass for a little bit only to draw me closer to Him. He sat me down and helped me offer the emptiness I had and ask to be filled up by him. I wouldn’t dare guess he created everyone this way. I do know for certain that He created me that way. Without those moments of utter darkness, I wouldn’t have ever gone searching for the Light. I needed this process, I needed what felt like chaos in my heart. This process certainly refined me. I will not claim to have learned this lesson wholly, however, I can say with confidence it has stretched my faith, and my dependency on my Savior.

Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

Shortly after this season my husband blessed me with tickets to my all time favorite singer/artist. Kari Jobe. The main artist playing was Chris Tomlin. I loved every second of our trip to Seattle. We got to spend some time with our favorites and enjoy a spirit filled night at the Key Arena. Kari Jobe was fantastic, and of course, I was a giddy child watching every second of her. There was one specific moment of that night where my whole direction and thought process started to change. Chris Tomlin sang a song at the piano called ‘Sovereign”. (To read the lyrics, click here)

These words broke through some of my insecurities regarding my recent diagnosis of infertility. It changed some of my hopes and dreams of babies and a family. It shifted my focus back to Jesus and His hopes and dreams for me. It challenged me to trust my God at all times. If He has not yet let me down, why on earth would He start now? Especially in my time of greatest need! This song rocked me to my core. Knowing full well His plans were not to crush me. His plans are not to keep me infertile and defeated. His plans for me include a full, God centered, blessed life. A life not claimed by bondage, but set free by the Blood of Jesus. I am claimed by Him. And nothing less.

I knew from that moment on, babies or no babies, husband or no husband, sickness, pain, disease, or lack there of, He was sufficient. He was always enough, and will always be enough. Period.

Lamentations 3:21-24
 
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lords great love we are NOT consumed,
for his compassion’s are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself,
“The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

In all this I have been promised 3 words:
1. Redemption
2. Restoration
3. Sufficiency

I am still on my journey and learning what He means, and I do believe he has granted me some wisdom and knowledge regarding these beautiful words. I also know that because of these promises I have a reason to hope, and to know that He has continuously been faithful. So why should I start doubting his Faithfulness, or His sovereignty now? My process of redemption and His restoration in me is painful, but without it, I wouldn’t be so desperate for Him. My prayer for YOU, regardless what your obstacle is, that your redemption and restoration process leads you to become so desperate for Him. Desperate to feel His constant sufficiency. My prayer is that through your own wrestling with Him, you feel His outrageous, reckless love. Because, no matter what it is you’re facing or how many times you express your fears and anger and anguish, oh how He loves you. Oh, how He cares for you. You are His, and He longs to give you All of Him.

This is part II, (and I repeat this because I know that some days, whether or not I feel this is true, I choose to proclaim this truth over and over until I know for certain and without second guessing) and I know this full well His plans for me (you) are good. His plans for me (you) are refinement, and allowing me (you) wisdom and knowledge about His promises. My journey through these trials and so much more to come are for His glory, for encouragement, and support. I love people. I know my purpose is to love people. This is how I have been lead to love.

xox
-Morgan B

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I Love you Tuesday!

I Love Tuesdays because it is way easier to get out of bed on a Tuesday rather than a Monday!
I love Tuesdays because I choose to see all my fun pictures all over again from my weekend.
I love Tuesdays because it has always been good to me!
 I Love you Tuesday, Always.
I love this girl. She has BIG things in store, and a life full of adventure ahead of her.

And, I love this girl. She has a heart that mine wants to resemble someday when I grow up. 
A pure giver.

Minus myself, this is my most favorite picture ever. I’m not sure it needs an explanation. 
 
Enjoy your Tuesday!
You’re Welcome 😉

Technical Difficulties

Well, This blogging world has proven to me that I will have some challenges!

I had big hopes and dreams to post Part II of my story today, and now that might have to wait until next time due to some unforeseen formatting and technical errors!

The other day I was driving to work listening to a song that has gotten me through one of the hardest seasons I have been through, loss of something I so desperately wanted.. I noticed that every time I sang this song it brought me to tears. It humbled me in a way where my moment of worship in my car was so sweet, so special.

As I pondered the lyrics, I realized the type of declaration I was singing. It melted my heart to know that the words I was singing has a profound impact on my daily life, my spiritual life, and my healing heart.

Be thou my vision, Be thou my Joy.
My providence and my Reward.
Be thou the wisdom that I employ,
To trade my worth for Yours.
Be Thou my refuge, be thou my strength,
Should my confession err.
My heart shall whisper a Sure Amen,
And TRUST your every word.
Be Thou Exalted,
Be Thou Exalted, Jesus, forever!
Be Thou Exalted forever.
Be Thou my Passion,
Be Thou my Zeal, That I may offer thee.
No Great procession,
or vain appeal, But my sincerity.
Hallelujah to the name of all names
Hallelujah to the God be all Praise.
Ever Holy, Worthy,
Be thou exalted Always.
These words that I casually sang every morning went unnoticed for a while. But, as time went on, I couldn’t help but feel comforted, and thoroughly known in the depth of my being. During my time of greatest need, my time of greatest brokenness my Lord decided to place a song in my heart to declare his Greatness, and His consistency. Most importantly, he placed in me a desire to sing words I didn’t want to accept with out even knowing it. He placed a song in me asking for Him to be what I simply could not be.
You see, this season it has proven to be a time where I choose to worship and I chose to love God. I am not ashamed to say that it has been a struggle to accept that He is who He says He is. So, to claim:
Be Thou Exalted ( Be Noble, be held in My Highest Regard.) 
and to shout out:
Hallelujah ( God be Praised! Rejoice!)
has brought me to my knees in humble adoration, and comfort without even knowing it until now,
is simply God.
Moving in me.
Working in me.
Healing me.
It’s not always fun, but to know that even still, in some of my rebellion, he cares after me, and protects me.. I am eternally grateful.
My challenge is to ask my Father to open my eyes to the works he is doing, that I am still unaware of! It’s changing my life. I hope it changes yours.
-Morgan B


VBS… BVS, and BBS

Which are all the same in one! There was a veriety of names for what we call Vacation Bible School. Between the adults and the kiddos no one quite knew exactly what order they went in, or what the actual letters were. I am now very fond of these new names!

Monday through Friday was a whirl wind! Each morning packing a bag of snacks, lunch for work, snacks for after work, extra clothes, extra shoes… You know the whole 9 yards!
Monday and Tuesday were filled to the max with crazy kiddos learning how to serve their family and their friends. Snacks, games, crafts and bible stories filled up our short 3 hours! 

Monday started our memory verse for the week! 
Mark 12:30-31
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.

By Wednesday my head hurt, my body was tired, yet God was faithful and surprised me with enough energy to last through the evening!  The kids learned about serving their neighbor. Which we all learned a neighbor could be anyone! 


Thursday we learned about serving our community! We had a few guests such as a nurse, a police officer and a wild fire fighter! I know the kids loved this! One cutie of a kid decided that the nurse actually worked with Jesus.



They were both in the healing industry, so logically why wouldn’t she?!
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I will say each and every day there were God stories these precious children just had to share. Their joy and excitement over Him was so uncontainable and so contageous! I knew when I walked in that building I was going to be overcome with peace and utter joy. Our days, as leaders and volunteers, were outrageously long. You could tell by Thursday and Friday we were all ready for a nap that never ended! God was truly faithful. Our energy and stamina was amazing! I am so blessed to have learned so much from these kids! Their faith and reckless worship is what I desire for my own life and what I pray seeps into my friends and families lives!
Friday, Finally! Serving Jesus is what we talked about and how each of our other lessons was a beautiful way and example to serve Jesus! These kids had it down. 

My proud auntie moment was when one of my favorites saw one of her new friends hadn’t got a sucker yet. She generously gave away her prized sucker out of pure, genuine love! She did it, not because she had to, but she gave a gift to a friend because she wanted to! Little things like that melt my heart and make me want to be a better giver!
After Friday rolled around I knew we were all due for that serious nap! However, when the glow sticks and kids worship songs came on I had to put on my pirate hat and bounce around to celebrate the goodness of God in each of these lives.
Matthew 5:16, Let your light shine before men, that they may see your fine works and give glory to your Father who is in the heaven.

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine”

I’ll never forget this week! I never want to forget this week! My God taught me what it takes to love Him and serve him better. And all it requires is my heart, willing and ready, with a childlike faith! 

-Morgan B

The kids made bags to give food to give to those who are in need!