Holiday Re-cap

We enjoyed a trip to Flamin’ Joe’s with a couple friends of ours who blessed our socks off with their company then also this gift (pictured above)! These guys are amazing. I pretty much adore K, and B (the hubby) is just a hoot! I’m not sure they even realize how much I absolutely love them! K has quite the talent, and the testimony, check her out at http://www.katiecampbellphotography.com
You won’t regret it, promise!
The Sunday before Christmas we started our Christmas Eve services at our home church. A dear friend snapped this gem for us. It was plopped in the middle of a series of pictures on my phone- but I just loved the joy that this picture shows. 

I enjoyed reminiscing over our engagement photos that took place about a year ago last weekend. I loved my man that day, and I love him even more today. (Photo credit: Katie Campbell Photography)

This simple word wrecked me come Christmas Eve. Seriously, in awe. Thank you Jesus, for all that you’ve done and all that you will do.
This family, melts my heart. LOVE THEM! Merry Christmas from afar!

Our first Christmas as Man and Wife. So blessed. There are not enough words to describe the love I have for this man. So thankful.

I stole this quote once again from waitingforbabybird.com
This girl has a brilliant, God breathed gift! The way she writes and speaks of her relationship with Jesus is truly amazing! I’m always checking her blog first to see what’s new that I can learn. Seriously a gift. This quote came from her blog recapturing a bit about her Christmas. The more I meet women who struggle or have been through infertility ir loss the more I realize that, one, I’m not crazy…or at least crazy in a bad way, and I’m not alone. 
All that being said, I know some of my readers are waiting for a miracle, and I want them to know that I’m on your side! I’m am crazy in love with all the little ones that God has yet to give you, and all the little ones He may have already given you. I am crazy in love with the families he’s gonna bless you with. I’m firmly believing that He’s going to rock your world and I’m in your cheerleading section, promise! 
Xox 
Morgan
Advertisements

Gettin’ real up in here

It’s been 8 total cycles trying to get a bun in this oven. Two of which ended up in positive pregnancy tests, one being the Ectopic(tubal) pregnancy ending on 7/24/13 and the second being an early miscarriage, oddly enough ending 9/24/13. Needless to say the 24th of each month is not my favorite day.

Isaiah 30:18
Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; 
he rises to show you compassion.
For The Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

Here’s the scoop.

In July, after surgery I decided to really learn what the heck this body does. Who knew one would be so excited to learn what all this means, and how it applies to our fertility! A sweet friend of mine A, gave me a book called: Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I highly recommend this book if you are eager to learn your body better, trying to conceive, or even preventing.

Here’s what I’ve gathered….

My cycles suck, they are inconsistent.
I have a long  epic history of Endometriosis, that apparently has been healed as of July 2013 (thank you JESUS), accompanied by a total of 6 laparoscopic procedures, revealing some cysts, endometriosis, as well as a few uterine polyps. I’ve battled through countless other procedures including an HSG and sonohystergram…… and to put the icing on the cake: it’s a rarity that I even ovulate. Whaaa?
Yay me!

My remedy?

Well, seeing that fertility treatments can be quite spendy and then they hop you up on all sorts of drugs and tests and procedures, I have decided to go to a Naturopath for my first option. I’ve seen Dr. M before, so he knows my colorful fertility/hormonal Resume. I’d like to think I have quite an impressive resume, if I say so myself.

As some of you saw from my most recent post, my visit with Dr. M didn’t go as I expected. After spending some time thinking about ways to de-stress and relax a little, I decided to quit. I’m Giving up on taking charge of my fertility. I mean – who am I kidding? I’m not the one in charge. I do have a responsibility to care for this one body the Lord gave me, and I do have to play my part when it comes to at least trying to make a baby, but the timing isn’t up to me. Quitting also meant that I stop taking extra measures to take control of the timing, and solely rely on Gods timing and shockingly enough, maybe just enjoy being with my hubby instead of having a preconceived idea that every time we’re close it just might make a baby. It may… But it may not. So in Gods hands I rest. Amazingly enough, after deciding to not take my temp, or doing anything fertility related, every.single.morning… I slept. I mean I really slept. If you ask my amazing man, he’d tell you, sleep is not one of my best qualities! Imgonnasayitagain- I SLEPT! 
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and burden is light.
  
So, I think I’m on the right track, simple daily things that I can throw boundaries around and know my limits while I let my heart heal a little more. I’m learning I can’t be ashamed of the emotional toll these losses took on me- and I’m most certainly not doing myself any favors pretending that things are ok, when clearly they are not. We’ll see what else hubby and I can can do together that releases some tension (personally, I’m thinking maybe some relaxation massages! Wouldn’t that be a treat!?). Perhaps this is a great way for me to start the new year, cutting out a few things in my schedule, making more time to be at home, more time to get that workout in, more time to spend in His word. It all sounds like a great idea- but this is when I’m to rely on Him and Him alone to show me which direction I’m to go.



So, you want real, here it is. This is when I dig a little deeper, when God’s got the opportunity to show His glory and reveal himself a little more. I’m not going to candy coat my faith, I’m most certainly not going to candy coat our journey to become parents, and I’m not going to candy coat the real – raw emotions that come when you experience loss, or difficulty trying to expand a family.
All this being said- with a handful of days off from work for the holiday, I’ve been able to rest. I’ve successfully cleaned my whole apartment, top to bottom, dust (and laundry) free! Which feels amazing. I’ve also had many minutes to reflect on this past year. I gravitated to my previous journal and read what I was thinking and praying about at the end of 2012. 

“As I looked forward into the next several months my one desire is to serve God more
  and enter into a deeper and richer love with Him.”

Prayer #1: Answered. Still in process.
Although I didn’t see the hurdles that would catapult me into this deep, rich love with Jesus, it was answered, and then some. My life depends on him. Period.

“I want to become more vulnerable 
and set my insecurities and worries at his feet 
with out shame or guilt. 
Even more so, allow them to stay there, at his feet.” 

Prayer #2: Answered. Still in process.
Like I said before the circumstances where not as I expected but the mission was accomplished. Even better, I’m still learning to do this. It’s a beautiful transformation. My life depends on this act of surrender. 

“I desire transformation, 
that the hidden cavities in my life be opened up,
 flooded with more of Him.”

Prayer #3: Answered. Still in process.
Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 
do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
All in all, 2013 was filled with my father answering my prayers to become more like Him, to transform me into something I couldn’t be with out Him. 2013 was incredible. 2013 was hard, and exhausting, but when I zoom out and look at the bigger picture, it exceeded my every expectation and then some. He has blessed me and given me the tools to keep on keeping on. 

But once again- I’m greatly anticipating 2014. I have more specific prayers. I am waiting in expectation of both physical and spiritual healing. I am eagerly awaiting an addition of our family, in His timing. As painful as it may be to wait- I know my waiting will not be in vain, or lacking purpose. And, as always I crave further refinement. I know my journey isn’t finished yet, and I am anticipating a wild ride. I’m also grateful for his unchanging mercy and patience. Knowing this I can walk in confidence that there is purpose in my every season. I also know my testimony is gonna rock my own world. 

Restoration.
Redemption.

His promises are always true. He truly is a living, breathing, loving, generous God who loves me, us, too much to let us sit still for too long.


Anxiety…

I have always known that a not-so-great friend resides in me on occasion.

This not-so-great friend has a name.

Anxiety.

I was so excited to sit down with Dr. M today and hash out a few reason as to why I am unable to keep a bun in this oven. I was practically bouncing in that office hopeful, joyful, and almost giddy that there may be an answer to some of my questions, just behind that door. After discussing a few details about how and where my body has defaulted to, since July, Dr. M determined that oddly enough, ovulation may not even be occurring in this body of mine. And, for the icing on the cake he mentioned that my estrogen as well as progesterone are not sufficient enough to support ovulation, implantation, or enough to support a viable pregnancy.

Que tears here.

Today is one of those days where, not only do I feel like an utter failure. I am even failing to be able to see Jesus in this. Where are my promises? Where are my hopes? I have a million questions still and not a single answer. I have already carried the burden that this broken body of mine was already not in tip top shape, but it was even more so confirmed that it doesn’t function how I had planned or expected…Such is life… Right?

I already know the truths full well in my head, today it’s a matter of actually believing it to be true.

“My hope is built on nothing less,
Than Jesus Blood and Righteousness..
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But, wholly in Jesus Name.”

It’s no surprise to me that as I’m typing these are the only words I can whisper. Praying constantly today that this be enough. Lord let it be enough.

Well, on top of this less than fabulous news, Dr. M kindly informed me that it seems as though my stress levels, and that not-so-great friend Anxiety has been hanging around FAR too long. He could just see it in my posture. Especially when it came time to talk about the past 5 months. I knew this dear friend had been hanging around, I just didn’t realize how much of a power he held over me.

So I am feeling like I am back at square one, and trying to figure out how to de-stress, and lessen my anxiety…. How do you tell your brain to stop thinking about what has been lost? How do you move forward…. I truly thought I have been making progress, that my healing was just starting. In my situation, how do you rid yourself of fear. After my Ectopic Dr. S clearly stated “WHEN you happen to have another, we will then remove your right tube”. Which by the way, is severely damaged and practically non-functional, and puts me at an even more increased risk of it happening again.

I feel like throwing my fists in the air screaming: NOW WHAT DO I DO, How are YOU going to help me here? Where the *bleep* are you Lord?

All this to say, I feel like falling apart and curling up in a cave. But, I know better than that. I know better than to let the enemy win. So, as a sweet blogger friend (waitingforbabybird.com) put it –  I quit. I surrender, again. I quit so that He can work, and do the fighting for me. I am simply too emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.

“My hope is built on nothing less,
Than Jesus Blood and Righteousness..
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But, wholly in Jesus Name.”
 
 
For all you sweet sweet friends of mine, tips, encouragement, scripture would be welcomed. Comment away.
 
xox
-Morgan

Hanging on to Hope

It’s no secret that I’m slightly addicted to fertility blogs, and I’m easily sucked into stories of success and hope. On one forum that I enjoy, one lady posted this picture and I suppose that after much thought and consideration, there is absolute truth to this statement. Be sure to notice the use of the word: WILL.
I’ve repeatedly and subconsciously psyched myself into believing that miracles can happen, but just not for me. Which is a flat out lie.
I’ve been uberly (if that’s even a word) blessed to be spending my Thursday mornings with a wonderful friend and influential woman. We’ve been tackling a new book together called: The Power of Right Believing by Joseph Prince. While I’ve been excited and joyful over others miracles, I’ve not yet considered the lie and WRONG believing I’ve bought into about miracles just not being for me.
You see, I’ve always known that God wants to give me the desires of my heart, and his ways are good and he wants to bless me. I’ve just never truly believed it. After a subtle reminder, for probably the nineteenth billionth time, from Papa Joe, He really does want to give me miracles.
So, I’ve successfully identified an area of my wrong thinking, which was on my prayer list. I wanted a tangible list of wrong thinking. Now, if I can just figure out how to make it right….How do I believe right? I’m fairly certain if I truly knew, better yet, BELIEVED, how much my creator loved me, my wrong thinking would dissipate. 
Miracles aren’t just for everyone but me…. Miracles actually include me too! For this reason I have hope. For the longest time I’ve been dreaming up this great post about “Hanging on to Hope”. However, in all reality it’s more like a story of despair and hope, as endless cycles of trust, belief and lack thereof. Its even a far from glamorous road about how I’ve walked through this Hope. But, as I’ve kept walking I’ve realized that hanging on to Hope, isn’t about having a great story of how I succeeded and came out strong in the end. Although, I’d like that to be the case….. It’s just not.
Hanging on to hope and believing in miracles go hand in hand. Especially when it comes to infertility, or losing a pregnancy, a little tiny life, you so desperately wanted. It’s also true in ALL the other messy life situations. I can’t express that enough. That all these stories don’t JUST apply to infertility. It applies to life, and all it’s complications.
It’s super messy, and it’s not pretty sometimes. It’s full of ugly cries, and hopeful moments, and straight up despair. Hope is believing against the lies that are being repeated in my sinful brain, like that annoying drippy faucet that happens to sound the loudest at night when all is quite and still.
Morgan- don’t you realize, you’re the issue here. This wouldn’t be happening if you were whole or healed.
That’s a lie.
Although there is truth to some of the damage that’s been done in/to me and my reproductive organs, it doesn’t mean that I’m useless goods. 
Therefore I have Hope. 
Morgan- don’t you realize that God wouldn’t have taken your babies if he actually loved you.
That’s a lie.
Straight from the pit of hell. That is a lie.
He loves me, he loves my little ones I don’t yet know, and the ones I am eager to meet. Therefore I have hope, and can trust that He has miracles in store for us. I have hope. 
HOPE: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

God straight up told us to have hope. He has reminded us over and over in His word that we should have hope. When you look at the definition of hope it’s no wonder that a lot of our wrong believing comes from lack of hope. That our sinful expectations fall short consistently. When we have hope in a Savior, our expectations are transformed into something of greater value. We’re filled with desires for Godly things to come. 

It’s simple. Have hope. Expect our Father, who loves us, to care for us. He knows our desires, he knows our needs and our wants. Expect him to fill us with exactly what we need, when we need it, in his perfect time. Silly me, I thought it was suppose to be more complicated than that. Where did my childlike faith go?

In this journey I’ve found myself plopped into, it’s been full of moments of clarity, then moments of feeling like a complete hypocrite and succumbing to hopelessness. It’s amazing the gazillion, upon billions and millions of emotions and thoughts and clarities and lies you feel, see, think and dream, when it comes to…well life. But I know this for certain, there’s a purpose. I just haven’t zoomed out far enough to see the bigger picture. 



So, somedays I believe. Some days, the hope just isn’t there, at all. I lack trust in miracles, and then the next moment I know for certain there are so many good miracles to come. You guys, I cannot even stress how flip floppy this emotionally driven road is, but I’m telling you, the only consistent thing I can claim is Jesus. 

This is just the tip of the iceberg for my testimony. This is just a fraction of the story for my husband and I. This is such a small piece of the puzzle to really make His kingdom shine. And my lack of faith at moments is a thought and belief that needs to be made right. As I’m in my seasons of restoration, He’s creating in me a whole new way of believing and thinking right. I can guarantee that when He’s ready, this story is gonna rock my world, and hopefully yours too. I know for certain this journey has Jesus written all over it.

I’m believing for my miracle, I’m believing in Hope. I’m not hanging on to it. I’m gonna surrender it, and cling to it like my life depends on it. I’m not going to hang on to something that’s already mine, because of the cross. I, most certainly, don’t deserve it, but I can claim it, and rest knowing that He’s got me. 

Right believing. Right thinking. Easier said than done. I’m so thankful that it’s not my strength I rely on. 

There are so many exciting things happening in this home, and God is doing great things. I have this cool, nerve wrecking feeling that God’s gonna be stirring up some really neat words. I’m excited to be sharing, and so excited to see what He’s gonna do. 

You are loved
Xox
-Morgan