It’s been 8 total cycles trying to get a bun in this oven. Two of which ended up in positive pregnancy tests, one being the Ectopic(tubal) pregnancy ending on 7/24/13 and the second being an early miscarriage, oddly enough ending 9/24/13. Needless to say the 24th of each month is not my favorite day.
Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For The Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
Here’s the scoop.
In July, after surgery I decided to really learn what the heck this body does. Who knew one would be so excited to learn what all this means, and how it applies to our fertility! A sweet friend of mine A, gave me a book called: Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I highly recommend this book if you are eager to learn your body better, trying to conceive, or even preventing.
Here’s what I’ve gathered….
My cycles suck, they are inconsistent.
I have a
long epic history of Endometriosis, that apparently has been healed as of July 2013 (thank you JESUS), accompanied by a total of 6 laparoscopic procedures, revealing some cysts, endometriosis, as well as a few uterine polyps. I’ve battled through countless other procedures including an HSG and sonohystergram…… and to put the icing on the cake: it’s a rarity that I even ovulate. Whaaa?
Well, seeing that fertility treatments can be quite spendy and then they hop you up on all sorts of drugs and tests and procedures, I have decided to go to a Naturopath for my first option. I’ve seen Dr. M before, so he knows my colorful fertility/hormonal Resume. I’d like to think I have quite an impressive resume, if I say so myself.
As some of you saw from my most recent post, my visit with Dr. M didn’t go as I expected. After spending some time thinking about ways to de-stress and relax a little, I decided to quit. I’m Giving up on taking charge of my fertility. I mean – who am I kidding? I’m not the one in charge. I do have a responsibility to care for this one body the Lord gave me, and I do have to play my part when it comes to at least trying to make a baby, but the timing isn’t up to me. Quitting also meant that I stop taking extra measures to take control of the timing, and solely rely on Gods timing and shockingly enough, maybe just enjoy being with my hubby instead of having a preconceived idea that every time we’re close it just might make a baby. It may… But it may not. So in Gods hands I rest. Amazingly enough, after deciding to not take my temp, or doing anything fertility related, every.single.morning… I slept. I mean I really slept. If you ask my amazing man, he’d tell you, sleep is not one of my best qualities! Imgonnasayitagain- I SLEPT!
Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and burden is light.
So, I think I’m on the right track, simple daily things that I can throw boundaries around and know my limits while I let my heart heal a little more. I’m learning I can’t be ashamed of the emotional toll these losses took on me- and I’m most certainly not doing myself any favors pretending that things are ok, when clearly they are not. We’ll see what else hubby and I can can do together that releases some tension (personally, I’m thinking maybe some relaxation massages! Wouldn’t that be a treat!?). Perhaps this is a great way for me to start the new year, cutting out a few things in my schedule, making more time to be at home, more time to get that workout in, more time to spend in His word. It all sounds like a great idea- but this is when I’m to rely on Him and Him alone to show me which direction I’m to go.
So, you want real, here it is. This is when I dig a little deeper, when God’s got the opportunity to show His glory and reveal himself a little more. I’m not going to candy coat my faith, I’m most certainly not going to candy coat our journey to become parents, and I’m not going to candy coat the real – raw emotions that come when you experience loss, or difficulty trying to expand a family.
All this being said- with a handful of days off from work for the holiday, I’ve been able to rest. I’ve successfully cleaned my whole apartment, top to bottom, dust (and laundry) free! Which feels amazing. I’ve also had many minutes to reflect on this past year. I gravitated to my previous journal and read what I was thinking and praying about at the end of 2012.
“As I looked forward into the next several months my one desire is to serve God more
and enter into a deeper and richer love with Him.”
Prayer #1: Answered. Still in process.
Although I didn’t see the hurdles that would catapult me into this deep, rich love with Jesus, it was answered, and then some. My life depends on him. Period.
“I want to become more vulnerable
and set my insecurities and worries at his feet
with out shame or guilt.
Even more so, allow them to stay there, at his feet.”
Prayer #2: Answered. Still in process.
Like I said before the circumstances where not as I expected but the mission was accomplished. Even better, I’m still learning to do this. It’s a beautiful transformation. My life depends on this act of surrender.
“I desire transformation,
that the hidden cavities in my life be opened up,
flooded with more of Him.”
Prayer #3: Answered. Still in process.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up;
do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
All in all, 2013 was filled with my father answering my prayers to become more like Him, to transform me into something I couldn’t be with out Him. 2013 was incredible. 2013 was hard, and exhausting, but when I zoom out and look at the bigger picture, it exceeded my every expectation and then some. He has blessed me and given me the tools to keep on keeping on.
But once again- I’m greatly anticipating 2014. I have more specific prayers. I am waiting in expectation of both physical and spiritual healing. I am eagerly awaiting an addition of our family, in His timing. As painful as it may be to wait- I know my waiting will not be in vain, or lacking purpose. And, as always I crave further refinement. I know my journey isn’t finished yet, and I am anticipating a wild ride. I’m also grateful for his unchanging mercy and patience. Knowing this I can walk in confidence that there is purpose in my every season. I also know my testimony is gonna rock my own world.
His promises are always true. He truly is a living, breathing, loving, generous God who loves me, us, too much to let us sit still for too long.