First I want to say thank you all for such sweet comments and such a huge out pour of love and support. When I am having an especially hard moment I open up my email and read all the comments and texts and FB messages. Somehow, it helps me feel like I am not so alone… Keeps me sane for at least another few minutes.
I don’t really have many words right now. But, I can tell you the surgery went very well. I was only under anesthesia for about 35-40 mins. The doctor who did the procedure was kind enough to agree to do one last ultrasound and doppler reading before we started. I had some hope that just maybe it was a mistake. However, the baby still had no cardiac activity and had actually gotten smaller since Wednesday. My body was definitely starting to realize something wasn’t right. The Doc came and spoke to me while in recovery and she was kind enough to share her own struggles with me and offer a little bit of hope for the future. We have opted to do all the genetic screenings on the baby as well as on myself and my husband. The Doctor had also shared her opinion that surgery was the best option I could have picked. Apparently I had an abnormal amount of tissue and blood stored up there that would have caused a tremendous amount of pain and she thought it would have taken me 6-8 weeks to finish the miscarriage naturally, and even then she said it may have ended up with a D & C anyway.
I was relieved when it was over, however there was not enough pain medication or sedation to keep me from being in hysterics upon waking. The staff at the hospital I was at gave me the best care any girl could ask for. Each person was sensitive to me and sensitive to the reason I was there.
I am truly at a loss, and I imagine that there will be some silence from me while I process and listen to the direction the Lord wants us to go. My Post-Op is May 8th and I am sure I will have more answers then.
On Thursday morning while I was cleaning and preparing our little home for me to recover in I was listening to worship music. It brought me comfort in the weirdest way. I knew that the Lord was with us, cleaning, washing dishes, folding piles of laundry, vacuuming every corner of the house…. Over and over again all I could hear in reply to my questions thrown up into the Heavens was this…” This is building your Ministry…. This is going to change your ministry”…
I am so thankful my Father loves me enough to let me in to see that there is, most certainly, a bigger picture. I know right now I can’t see it, and I know right now I am too blinded by tears to want to see it… But it’s there, and He has promised me that. Because of that, I have hope… It might not look pretty today, or tomorrow or maybe even next week or next month, but I have hope.
Here are a few answers to a few questions I have been asked:
When are you going to start trying again?
Honestly we don’t have an answer to that. The doctor suggested we wait 3 full cycles before we try anything. For us personally, we are scared to try again… For now, it’s in God’s hands and we are only taking it one day at a time. I would like to know more about all our genetic testings before trying again, although if God says that there will be a baby, there will be a baby, no matter what… Trying or not trying…
Why haven’t you considered adoption?
Well, we feel that God has really promised us a child of our own. I have always wanted to adopt however, I just don’t think right now is the right time. Neither of us have had a strong conviction that it should happen now. We fully trust that we will be told what direction to go.
How are you doing?
We are a mess. We are simply only ok because we are glued to the author of life. I really appreciate this question, but for right now just assume we aren’t ok. If you feel the need to ask us, maybe just ask us what our needs are, and how you can pray specifically. I know I can say this for me, but as for my husband, I am not even sure what he prefers.
Be gentle with us. Be kind and keep praying.