This Sunday we hit on a very awesome topic. One that just likes to penetrate you deep down into the pit of who you are.
Jesus and Lazarus.
I had always seen this story as one with a great message of Jesus bringing him back to life and applied it to healing, which is so true and awesome! There was something different about it this week though. Something that was brought to my attention, was the rate at which our bodies decay once death has occurred, and how Lazarus was in the grave for what? 4 days! They were hesitant to roll that stone away cause he had been dead long enough that there might just be a nasty stench.
How often am I unwilling to roll the stone away on my hidden sin and battles because I am afraid they might stink? It’s often said that many people believe that they need to ‘Fix themselves up’ before coming to Jesus, or church. But doesn’t that completely make Jesus, and what he did on the cross, invalid? Or unimportant? I mean, He died so that when I roll away my stones and reveal the deaths that have occurred inside my soul, the stink of my sin wouldn’t stink so much….
I can’t help but realize the stinkiness that has been in my life. And the fact that I have been too prideful or too ashamed to roll that stone away is concerning. If I want to live a life that is free indeed, I need not worry about the stench. Jesus sure isn’t judging me on how bad my sin stinks. He’s thinking, “Yup, you stink… Let ME fix it”.
One of my biggest stinky battles right now is the lack of being joyful over a much desired pregnancy. I sound horrible admitting it. I know it. However, my fears over the what if’s and could be’s are so overwhelming, that I find myself hiding from the joy I so long for, hiding from even trying to bond with the little one growing inside me. I find myself hiding in fear. I allowed a bondage of fear to sneak in and remind me of my past experiences and I’ve believed the lies that this just might end like the others… I’ve been held captive inside a grave. A grave that I dug myself, not even noticing what I was doing.
Another stinky tomb I find myself in is adequacy. Or lack thereof. I find I feel not good enough for my husband, or guilty for not completing my devotional times, or not doing them at all. I have a whole new drippy faucet right now telling me that I suck because I can’t seem to get my butt out of bed before work to read and journal. And when I come home, I am a bump on a log wanting to let my face hang in the toilet.
The enemy has completely taken this amazing God given experience and thrown me in the slimy pit.
“What kind of mother do you think you’ll be? You can’t even care for your home right now!”
“See, you can’t love Jesus the right way…. He doesn’t love you now that you can’t seem to get a whole devotional in.”
” You are a crappy wife, what kind of wife can’t stand the smells in the kitchen? Your job is to make dinner for your husband.”
Yes, I know these are all lies. And to you, they may sound silly…But these are all lies that I have believed for the last 10 weeks. My shame for wanting to hide them in the dark and bury them away in a tomb has made me stinky.
Each morning, when I rise and am reminded that I failed yet again to get out of bed on time… I can hear Jesus’ small voice saying,
Jesus doesn’t mind my stench. He loves me all stinky-like. My Father wants to bring life and light back into the dead places and turn off the drippy faucets. You see, He weeps when I am broken, He weeps when I am lost, He weeps when I try and hide my sin and stench. Just like He wept for the death of Lazarus, He weeps for the deaths inside of me.
I am humbled, I am broken, and only He can provide what I need to stand on solid ground again. Only He can fix the stink that comes from inside me. Oh to roll away my stones and be raised back to life. Oh how desperate I am for Jesus.
So, I have a heavy heart. I refuse to be defeated though. I am choosing to put on my armor and remind myself that I am the one Jesus loves. Really, that’s all that matters! It doesn’t matter how well I read my bible every day (although I believe it is VERY important), it doesn’t matter how well I pray! None of my performance matters… I am the one Jesus loves.
And I choose Jesus.
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Signs/Symptoms: Not much has changed since my last post. Bloating, for sure bloating. (‘ll share a picture for proof) I have fully convinced myself that by the end of the day I could pass as having a major bloat bump. Still nauseous throughout the day, but it is getting MUCH better, thank you Lord! Pretty fatigued still, and some other normal symptoms.
Morning sickness: Gag, gag, gag…. Still, I thought I was getting better, but I guess it comes and goes.
Weight gain/loss: At my last appointment I was down 3 pounds. I haven’t weighed myself, but because I have been able to eat a little more I may be back up those 3 pounds.
Cravings/aversions: Pretty much the same…Anything SUPER cold, and any drinks LOTS of crushed ice! There is a local coffee shop that has Bagel Sandwiches loaded with cheese and cream cheese and ham, then you heat it up nice and hot….. YUM, oh my gosh, I could eat that 3x a day. Bring on the SALT baby! Vitamin Water is definitely doing the trick for me!
Best Moment: Ah, I am going to be replaying my little video and staring at my pictures until my next appointment. (175 beat per minute! Wow…I got a million pictures and even a handful in 3D! I was amazed! Coming home and sharing all this news with my Husband and watching his eyes light up, amazing! Worth every tear, every heartache. I love that man something fierce!)