As I dragged myself out of bed yesterday I felt heavy. Like most days recently, the moment my body is awake it doesn’t take long for the tears to well up and spill onto my pillow. This is my new normal. But yesterday, my limbs wouldn’t function, my stomach was twisted in knots and my heart felt like it hadn’t beat in days. I turned on the radio thinking maybe I just needed a pick-me-up. Song after song hit my chest prompting my heart, trying to get it to feel… to feel just anything. I don’t know what set me off but all of a sudden I had no control over my thoughts, over my actions. I was so overcome with fear, rage, anxiety, grief, and profound sadness that I felt the urge to verbally vomit on any target I could reach…. Unfortunately my sweet, sweet Husband received the brunt of my temporary madness. I spewed words and threats that are far from truth and exceedingly painful. This was an ugly day.
After crumbling to the floor I was frozen, paralyzed by my circumstances and realizations that this life is not at all what I expected. I didn’t recognize this life I am living, I no longer recognize the face I see in the mirror. I grabbed my phone and sobbed into like it could save me. The person that I just hurt the most was the only one I needed, the only one I wanted. The phone rang about 3 times and each time I desperately pleaded that he would answer. With just the slightest sound of his “hello” I begged for him to forgive me, I wept sorry over and over again. I told him that I couldn’t do this… I was crazy, and I wasn’t going to get through this…I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t get up… I was stuck.
Because my Husband is most definitely the best husband that ever lived, he rushed home from work only to find me in a pile of tears still on the bathroom floor. I’ve never needed him more. I experienced a whole new side of marriage that day. I experienced what unconditional love is.
I won’t do a play by play of the next hours that passed. All I can say this was a defining moment in this most recent journey. It was a moment when I doubted my faith the most and had a choice to give up, or keep fighting. It was the moment when I was tempted the most to throw away my belief in all that I know to be true. This was my Faith Crisis. The fork in the road.
Do I choose to believe and stand firm on what I know to be truth?
Do I walk away from all I have known over the last several years and rebuild a whole new system of the way I live my life?
Do I denounce my faith, blame it all on God?
Or, do I trust that He is still good and still faithful even if I can’t see it?
What was the purpose, what IS the purpose of my life?
Is there a purpose?
You see, in a matter of hours all the questions that one asks when in the midst of a traumatic storm came bubbling over, spinning out of control in my head and spewing out of my mouth… I truly did not know the difference between the truth and the lies. It is ONLY because of the work of the Lord in my husband that I was able to get up off the floor, accept my tears, and allow him to pray on behalf of me, to pray over me the things that I could not speak, could not think. This is Marriage. This is Love.
In my last post I mentioned how I felt like God has promised me that this would change and shape my ministry. I still don’t have any idea what that looks like or how it’s going to unfold, but I do know this: People are watching and how I choose to respond is my ministry right now. Right now this is what I can tell you:
- It’s going to be messy
- It’s going to be imperfect
- It’s going to involve tears
- It’s going to take TIME
Am I angry? Yes.
Am I very confused? Yes.
I even feel broken beyond repair. I feel disappointed, a matter of fact I feel a lot of negative and very little, if any, positive. What I do know is, deep down under all the questions and fears and flesh I desire healing. I desire grace and mercy. I desire a God who loves and cares for me. Right now, that desire is compared to that of a mustard seed (perhaps even smaller) and from what I know, that is really all I need to get through.
As stuck as I felt on that floor yesterday, I never realized that me calling my husband to come and carry me through this moment was actually an act of movement. I wasn’t stuck, I just needed help, a hand to hold and some company to walk – rather crawl – with me to get to the other side of this. Although I felt my will to carry on was gone, in fact it was alive and quite active. I felt defeated, but rather I was determined to not stay where I was. That alone gives me hope. That alone gives me a little more stamina for the days to come. So, when I woke up this morning and the tears fell to their usual spot, I knew that I could survive this, even if my head was telling me I couldn’t. I survived yesterday, I can survive today. If breathing is all I accomplish, then I will say that is a Victory.
My Faith Crisis isn’t over yet. I still have a choice to make every second of every day. If I’m being honest sometimes it’s a choice I’d rather not make. If I’m being honest it’s not an easy choice. It’s a constant battle between my flesh and the truth.
So, if I’m not responding to your text, ignoring requests to bring dinner, requests about coming over for a visit, or seemingly unwelcoming your well wishes of love and support, it’s not because I don’t want them or need them. Because I do, and I read each note often everyday!! I am processing, overwhelmed and at a loss for words. This blog is definitely serving as my communication to friends and family. It’s much easier to type something up once.
So here’s an update:
My Post Op Appt is May 8th. We will hopefully get the genetics back on baby Brooks #3, including the sex. We will then start some testing on myself and also my husband. After 3 consecutive losses there may be a reason why this little body of mine can’t make it to full term. But, there is also a high possibility that there isn’t a reason. Either way, I am preparing myself for either outcome.
The physical recovery has been quite easy compared to previous procedures. The bleeding is most certainly psychologically traumatic. The emotional recovery and realization that we now have 3 precious children in the Kingdom of heaven is surreal and quite disturbing at times. However, I am thankful that heaven is all they will ever know.
Connor and I are extremely thankful for all the texts, FB messages, emails, phone calls, dinners, snacks, candy, cookies, food, cards and much much more.
I am right now looking into purchasing a necklace and also finding three charms to go along with it, each stone representing the birth month. If any ladies have any websites or have purchased such items somewhere and are happy with the results let me know!
Free therapy looks like this: A sunny day, iced coffee with whip cream, and a trip to every animal shelter and pet store in your home town in one day. Loving on and being loved by tiny creatures who have no bias can dry up any tear.
When your grieving showering everyday can be optional and feels like a chore, but I promise a warm shower always feels good.
Eye Liner makes a HUGE difference in your confidence when facing the work environment.
Do Not forget to drink water…. Seems pretty natural to remember this, but for me…. I am not sure I knew what water was for too long…