Celebrating Life 6/2/14

My last Celebrating Life post was so much more full of hope! This one, not so much. I find myself wrestling with much. 

I am wrestling with the stark difference between the last due date and this one. I had hope because I felt that it was all redeemed and made whole. I had hope because there was new life! This due date, I am slightly baffled and extremely sad about the circumstances that have made their way into our home. I’m giving it my all to celebrate what was, but it’s not nearly as joyful.
Tomorrow I celebrate Baby B#2, and reflect on what he/she would have been, what he/she would have looked liked. I choose to thank the Lord that He is caring for him/her. 
I almost feel guilty that I don’t have much more to say. You see, the things I have been wrestling with act as a barrier, or as my pastor put it today, a pair of dead batteries. I’m running on empty. I’ve hit a road block and I keep barging into it thinking just maybe I’ll break through. 
Today during worship we sang a song that goes a little like this:
Freedom reigns in this place,
showers of mercy and grace,
they are falling on every face,
there is freedom. 
During this song it was said that in Christ we are free from our pain, free from our sorrow and worries of this world. I have never really struggled with believing that statement before. But the heaviness of losing 3 babes in just under a year makes me wonder how do I operate in that freedom? How do I successfully battle the ideas that I am being punished, or perhaps unfavored by the Almighty? How do I just toss out my pain and walk in that freedom, what does it even look like? I’ve even gone as far as to feeling hated by the one who made me…. Where do I find this freedom, because I’ve certainly cried out more times that I can count to take this burden or at the very least take the pain that seems to sink right into the bottom of my lungs. 
Silence.
At first I felt like maybe the silence was because He was working on something, but then it stayed quiet. So, then I decided I should pray more and listen harder, but then it stayed quiet. So now I am left baffled and stranded in my own head, and it’s silent. Like everything has been turned off. 
Knock, knock… Lord, are you there?
I find myself marching along with mostly dead batteries determined to find the Life source to get plugged into. It’s a straight up battle, and one I am not afraid to fight, as I’ve fought this battle before. This time, I am just a little more weak, I’m a little more tired, and this time the fight in me longs for freedom more than I have ever needed it before. I can only think of one song that could be my anthem… 

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that’s within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice, I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I’ll stand

I will bring praise, I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice, I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

All of my life, in every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship
When I don’t feel like it, I sing. When I don’t know what else to do, I keep marching forward. I rejoice even when it takes every ounce of energy I have. He is still God, and I trust that He is still good, even when I don’t see it, even when I don’t feel it. 



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8 thoughts on “Celebrating Life 6/2/14

  1. morgan… you are incredible. you do not feel it… you do not look in the mirror and sense it. but your words carry an honest courage that pierces the hearts of all who read them. we read… we feel… we weep with you… and we are inspired. …by your strength that “marches on” no matter what. by your faith that chooses to be obedient. God is using you in ways you cannot possibly see. thank you for sharing your struggle in such a transparent way, so that we can all be drawn closer to the One who breathes life into all of us. i love you, and will pray for continued strength and courage…. but also peace and comfort in the midst of loss and suffering. may God hold you close as He weeps with you.

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  2. Oh Morgan! I just love you and so does Poppa God! He knows exactly how you feel because He too lost a child. He knows the heartache of the evil that is in this world but rest knowing that the evil will not have a final say in your life. Keep believing sugars! I know you don't feel in a place a freedom but we can never go by our feelings. Our feelings come and go like the wind. We must only trust and rely on what the Word of God says about us and our situation.

    When I am pressed on every side by troubles, I am not crushed and broken. When I am perplexed because I don't know why things happen as they do, I don't give up and quit. 2 Corinthians 4:8 (TLB)

    You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

    By Your favor, O Lord, You have established me as a strong mountain. Psalm 30:7 (God has established you as a strong mountain…you may not FEEL like it, but you are.)

    Love you girlie!! xoxoxoxo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  3. I don't have any idea what it feels like to be in your shoes but I know that God is good and we just have to keep believing and marching forward. Years later we will look back on these very trying times and maybe just maybe have a glimpse of the work God was doing in our lives. It's not easy at all but He will see is through. Big hugs to you!

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  4. Oh friend – I so admire you that despite the pain you keep on pressing forward – you keep on persevering – which is exactly what we are called to do. Love you and trusting God will carry you through the storm!

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  5. You are so strong. When you wrote, “Knock, knock…Lord, are you there?” that line stuck with me. My pastor stopped by our house yesterday and shared this with me: When Benjamin Franklin lost a child, he lost his faith. When Abraham Lincoln lost a child, he said that he felt God was even closer then. We choose whether or not these times will bring us closer to God. He is present, and we need to be open to the signs. Thinking of you and your little one today.

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