As I sit here waiting for words to come, I feel failed. Words don’t come. I type, delete, type again, and delete again. Wondering how on earth do I describe how today, one year ago, everything changed.
It’s been a year of darkness, but I stand in confidence that something HAS to change. I will believe nothing less.
As I sat in a tiny little doctor’s office, shaking, I waited to hear news that I never imagined I would hear. Ectopic. Tubal. I was scheduled for surgery that next morning (the 24th), as I was already starting to bleed internally. I don’t think I’ll ever forget my drive home from that office, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the song that played on repeat. I’ll never forget how my hubs and I went home, washed up, went to dinner. It all felt so normal, but it was so quiet. It was very surreal. We didn’t say much. After dinner we pulled into our pastor’s drive-way, and I braced myself to actually admit out loud, that our first pregnancy (after being told it would NEVER happen naturally), our first baby, would have to be terminated and removed surgically from me.
Because my words fail me today and my words most likely won’t come, I’ll just post some pictures of July 23rd and July 24th. I hated saying good bye to someone who was deeply loved and deeply desired.
Today Connor and I will be writing notes on balloons and driving somewhere to a top of a mountain or hill to let them go. If you feel so moved to join us in celebrating our Little Flower, send pics, send off your own balloon in memory of our little one 🙂 May seem silly to some, but what the heck, I’ll do anything silly or not silly to celebrate the little ones that were mine for a short moment in time.
Another blogger that I follow, today would have been her due date, and she had posted a song that just absolutely gutted me, Let Her Go. You can find it here for her post and also the YouTube video here.
Dearest Little Flower,
This Momma Loves you and misses you terribly. You were taken far too soon, but I know you are well cared for, and this world I live in is only temporary and we will get to meet you, soon. My little angel, you are severely missed, cherished, and deeply adored. My first, you brought hope, and new beginnings.