Anniversary… ok, well it’s tomorrow!

On 8/7/2013 I was still recovering from the loss of our first pregnancy and desperately searching for someone who had experience with ectopic pregnancies, that was a believer and had the perfect insight to what I needed and when. Well, of course I never found one and that began the journey of God whispering to me that it was time for me to start sharing my experiences with a little bit of life thrown in there. I was super hesitant at first. I don’t particularly like that my life has been public and I, personally, have seen it to just be a show to be watch, entertaining at best. But, I think through it all I have been made more transparent, I have learned to communicate more effectively and clearly. I have learned that my life has been made a public testimony of God’s craftsmanship and works. I haven’t really liked much of the circumstances He has chosen to grow me, but it has worked. I’ve seen clearly my short comings, my downfalls, my strengths and will power to overcome. It’s been a long season of refinement by fire and I will say I have been desiring a new season. Being plagued by jealousy, fear, and anger (and best of all healing!) for well over a year has been exhausting and I know that there is freedom from it. I’ve experienced it previously with my other losses, but this time, it’s different. I avoid people who are close to me, I find that I actually feel hatred in my heart that for some people the simple act of child bearing is seemingly easy for them and worry/stress free. The first two losses I was two steps forward one step back and made loads and loads of progress, this time, it’s ten steps backwards and two steps forward. I’m ready for Victory, I’m ready for freedom.

Recently in my counseling we discussed this issue and she had asked me why I just can’t relax and not care and not be so upset about it all anymore. Why is it so difficult for me to go back to how I was before we got pregnant for the first time? I thought to myself long and hard and couldn’t come up with an answer, and I realized that I felt that it was an unfair question. How does one experience life and death and be exactly the same? How does one have not just one, but three losses, and not worry that your womb has become a tomb for the dead? How does one not care anymore about the little lives that lived in me for any length of time? If I could I would certainly go back to accepting the fact that I was deemed completely infertile and would need IVF to achieve any glimmer of hope in regards to expanding our family. I had fully accepted that diagnosis and was confident in the story that God had presented me with. That time in my life, although it saw it’s moments of tears, it was much easier to navigate than RPL (repeat pregnancy loss). I would certainly love to be stress and worry and care free, although that would make me less human and more robot. I can’t go back, as much as I would like to, I feel it’s impossible to go back and not be affected by the events over my blogging year.

I never once imagined this is what my life would look like, and I never imagined that I would actually come away from all this feeling as if I survived a major catastrophe. But in my survival, it’s been just that. I survived. Yet, I crave more than just that. I want more of Him, I want a deeper more meaningful relationship with the One who actually planned this life out for me. I want to know that all the things to come are carefully thought about and He has planned to protect me from here on out.

As I reflect back on the past year I see a lot of hope, a lot of good things, and a lot of heartache and a solid amount of tears. I’m praying over this website and myself that this next year will be the year of triumph and victory. Joy and rejoicing.

In fact I think I want this next year to be a year that I focus on Victory. I know without a doubt that He has good things planned and I expect that, however I desire Victory in the face of my struggles. I want to stand from a place of Victory when I’m in a pit that I can’t seem to crawl out of yet. On 4/24/14 God had promised me a new ministry and I still don’t know what that’s going to look like but I do know that if I continue to walk in His will that something will come up, and if I’m walking in victory I know that He will use my testimony for the good of those around me. I haven’t forgotten what He’s promised and I want to hold Him to his word. I’m depending on that promise with everything in me.

So this year I have had 62 published posts, a total of 22,791 views and 344 comments with a whopping total of 24 followers. You 24 followers have sure been supportive  😉

On another note, the Hubs and I are finally moved into our new home. However, I will add that we are still surrounded by loads of boxes and a bigger mess than what we started with. I think it’s probably just going to take time. It’s nice to start to see little by little some rooms start to come together. This weekend I am painting the laundry room and hopefully the accent wall and dresser for the master bedroom. There is so much work to be done and cleaning, and I think my list could go on and on. Our biggest hurdle has been the pool. The previous owners neglected to clean during escrow. Thus leaving us a HUGE mess upon moving in. It’s taken us (and when I say us, I really mean the husband) just over a week to get it somewhat started and we have yet to make it swimmable. I am not sure if they just got lazy or what. They claimed to had been busy, but maintaining an already clean pool during the 45 day escrow couldn’t have taken THAT much time out of the day. It’s certainly been aggravating, especially since it’s been SO hot. A nice swim at night after work would be amazing! Hopefully this weekend we will have it ready to rock and roll.

This right here shows me how great of a daddy my hubs will be. It melts my heart to know and watch everyday with everyone else’s kids how much he LOVES them and all the little ones. His love for his nieces and nephews just blow me away.
And these toes are my favorite right now, I wish I had the emoji with the heart eyes to adequately show my gaga eyes over this girl. Tiny little feet on a little one who is growing far too fast, and it needs to slow down, please!
Walk in Victory!

9 thoughts on “Anniversary… ok, well it’s tomorrow!

  1. Great to hear from you Morgan – So thankful for you and your ministry!!! I hate that we have to be on this journey, but glad we can do it together! I know God is doing HUGE things through you and you are a light to so many, including me! Happy anniversary – believing year 2 will be filled with joy and celebration!


  2. I'm sorry this last year has been filled with so much pain. But I'm so happy you've followed in obedience and started this blog. There are so many more than just me that are inspired by you!

    I agree with you that loss/death changes you, especially when it comes to our children. I mean, I only had one loss and I know I will NEVER be the same girl I was before that. I love that you are claiming victory over this next year and I am claiming it with you/for you!



  3. I just love you so much girlie and I'm seeing victory for you with my eyes of faith. I will never forget that one night I had a vision of you singing worship on stage right before I walked up to speak. I am not a speaker so this vision still terrifies me to this day but maybe it plays a roll in the ministry He has planned for you one day. Love ya lots and I wish I could come help you paint. xo


  4. I agree that no one should expect you to be the same person you were before so much happened. You wouldn't be human. It is so very hard to go through the rollercoaster, but I am proud of you for being able to take a step back and look at the big picture….focusing on Him will only bring about more peace. Have fun painting and making your new home YOURS. It's a lot of work, but therapeutic, and you're going to feel so much better once it's done and you have a nice clean pool to jump in. So excited for what's to come for you Morgan!


  5. I just want to hug you right now! What happened to you changed you, and that is normal and expected. But it takes a wonderful person to remain faithful and optimistic. Those are such rare traits. I know God will bring you happiness in this life because of it. Praying for you and all that is to come 🙂


  6. Happy Anniversary to you two!! I can't imagine that going through all of this wouldn't change you. There is no way to just forget about the losses you have had. I think only time and God's peace can help with these feelings. I know they won't ever go completely away but I do believe He can help give you some peace. I read somewhere the other day that God may have you on a path to help someone else, we may not like that path but that's how he works. I pray that he blesses you abundantly!! You have helped me and many others with your inspiring words. HUGS


  7. Happy anniversary my dear Morgan! I'm so sorry you've gone through so much this last year. Each struggle makes us stronger even though it hurts so much when we are in the thick of it. I think changing is part of the process. I'm so hopeful this year will bring peace in your heart. Hugs!


  8. Happy anniversary!!!! I pray that this year WILL bring you triumph and victory and that I can be still here, commenting and loving your blog but rejoicing with your for your miracle! The great thing is that we are all here in this together, not just on the blogging world but doing the real true hard life stuff! This is a fantastic place where we all can relate and bring truth and honesty – and you do just that with your blog! I hope that it brings you release and comfort in the coming year lovely lady! And that we can all bear witness to God's grace with our own little miracles! xx


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