On 8/7/2013 I was still recovering from the loss of our first pregnancy and desperately searching for someone who had experience with ectopic pregnancies, that was a believer and had the perfect insight to what I needed and when. Well, of course I never found one and that began the journey of God whispering to me that it was time for me to start sharing my experiences with a little bit of life thrown in there. I was super hesitant at first. I don’t particularly like that my life has been public and I, personally, have seen it to just be a show to be watch, entertaining at best. But, I think through it all I have been made more transparent, I have learned to communicate more effectively and clearly. I have learned that my life has been made a public testimony of God’s craftsmanship and works. I haven’t really liked much of the circumstances He has chosen to grow me, but it has worked. I’ve seen clearly my short comings, my downfalls, my strengths and will power to overcome. It’s been a long season of refinement by fire and I will say I have been desiring a new season. Being plagued by jealousy, fear, and anger (and best of all healing!) for well over a year has been exhausting and I know that there is freedom from it. I’ve experienced it previously with my other losses, but this time, it’s different. I avoid people who are close to me, I find that I actually feel hatred in my heart that for some people the simple act of child bearing is seemingly easy for them and worry/stress free. The first two losses I was two steps forward one step back and made loads and loads of progress, this time, it’s ten steps backwards and two steps forward. I’m ready for Victory, I’m ready for freedom.
Recently in my counseling we discussed this issue and she had asked me why I just can’t relax and not care and not be so upset about it all anymore. Why is it so difficult for me to go back to how I was before we got pregnant for the first time? I thought to myself long and hard and couldn’t come up with an answer, and I realized that I felt that it was an unfair question. How does one experience life and death and be exactly the same? How does one have not just one, but three losses, and not worry that your womb has become a tomb for the dead? How does one not care anymore about the little lives that lived in me for any length of time? If I could I would certainly go back to accepting the fact that I was deemed completely infertile and would need IVF to achieve any glimmer of hope in regards to expanding our family. I had fully accepted that diagnosis and was confident in the story that God had presented me with. That time in my life, although it saw it’s moments of tears, it was much easier to navigate than RPL (repeat pregnancy loss). I would certainly love to be stress and worry and care free, although that would make me less human and more robot. I can’t go back, as much as I would like to, I feel it’s impossible to go back and not be affected by the events over my blogging year.
I never once imagined this is what my life would look like, and I never imagined that I would actually come away from all this feeling as if I survived a major catastrophe. But in my survival, it’s been just that. I survived. Yet, I crave more than just that. I want more of Him, I want a deeper more meaningful relationship with the One who actually planned this life out for me. I want to know that all the things to come are carefully thought about and He has planned to protect me from here on out.
As I reflect back on the past year I see a lot of hope, a lot of good things, and a lot of heartache and a solid amount of tears. I’m praying over this website and myself that this next year will be the year of triumph and victory. Joy and rejoicing.
In fact I think I want this next year to be a year that I focus on Victory. I know without a doubt that He has good things planned and I expect that, however I desire Victory in the face of my struggles. I want to stand from a place of Victory when I’m in a pit that I can’t seem to crawl out of yet. On 4/24/14 God had promised me a new ministry and I still don’t know what that’s going to look like but I do know that if I continue to walk in His will that something will come up, and if I’m walking in victory I know that He will use my testimony for the good of those around me. I haven’t forgotten what He’s promised and I want to hold Him to his word. I’m depending on that promise with everything in me.
So this year I have had 62 published posts, a total of 22,791 views and 344 comments with a whopping total of 24 followers. You 24 followers have sure been supportive 😉
On another note, the Hubs and I are finally moved into our new home. However, I will add that we are still surrounded by loads of boxes and a bigger mess than what we started with. I think it’s probably just going to take time. It’s nice to start to see little by little some rooms start to come together. This weekend I am painting the laundry room and hopefully the accent wall and dresser for the master bedroom. There is so much work to be done and cleaning, and I think my list could go on and on. Our biggest hurdle has been the pool. The previous owners neglected to clean during escrow. Thus leaving us a HUGE mess upon moving in. It’s taken us (and when I say us, I really mean the husband) just over a week to get it somewhat started and we have yet to make it swimmable. I am not sure if they just got lazy or what. They claimed to had been busy, but maintaining an already clean pool during the 45 day escrow couldn’t have taken THAT much time out of the day. It’s certainly been aggravating, especially since it’s been SO hot. A nice swim at night after work would be amazing! Hopefully this weekend we will have it ready to rock and roll.