Up Hill Climb

Depression.

It’s dark, it’s inconsistent, it’s frustrating. Seemingly popping in unannounced and wrecking havoc on your spirit. It’s amazing to me how incredibly sensitive our bodies and brains can be. I am always amazed at the biological response to hormonal swings, triggers, and emotional circumstances. Our Father has made me increasingly aware of the intricacy and finite detail of our whole being.

However, I’ve failed to recognize how, although I “feel” a certain way, and my hormones tell me that I’m angry for no good reason, I tend to quickly forget that I have a choice. And let’s be honest, will there really be any need for hormones in heaven? I’m assuming due to the fall, we have Eve to blame for our irrational out-bursts and hormonally induced depression, PMS break outs, and painful cycles. Someday, none of this will matter (Thank you S for putting it so perfectly in our convo the other day!).

Revelation 21:4-7

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

For the last several months I have noticed a pattern I have fallen into. Depression sets in about half way through my cycle (completely triggered by hormonal changes and the all too familiar reminders that no, I’m not pregnant) and I allow myself to wallow in it, forgetting that I was not intended to feel this way. I GET to choose. Even when my body is dragging behind me, and the tears tend to spring up easily, I don’t have to stay there. For many many months now I’ve haven’t done a single thing to pluck myself out of it. I played the blame game: “I’m broken”, “It must be the progesterone”, “Maybe I just won’t ever get over my loss”, “I’ll never get out of this hole, so why even try”. I’ve called it the drippy faucet before. This isn’t a new thing to struggle with for me. I’ve battled many forms of depression, anxiety, and fear before. I would say this has been something I’ve flopped back and forth on and with each loss I’ve revisited this topic. My last loss was 6 months ago (holy crap…) almost to the day, and I’ve found that the last 6 months have been a straight up battle to keep myself half way sane. I think because it’s become so familiar, I’ve found it almost comforting that I know exactly when to expect this cloud to start hanging over my head. And truthfully, there’s a sick and twisted part of me that doesn’t want it to change. I’ve been so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted (this girl needs a serious vacay!)that changing it means that I need to put forth more effort and if I happen to fail at that effort, I beat myself up.

1 John 3:20

If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

This month, I am choosing something different. I’m often reminding myself to look for the little things that bring joy to me. I’ll admit, I’m struggling with the heaviness. Especially this month, as we’ve decided to move forward with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist – LOVE him!…We’ve kept this a secret from nearly everyone, I am well into my first round of treatments and this whole let’s shoot you up with hormones thing sucks, more on this later) I still cry at the thought of my sweet Colton, and my two other precious little ones, I cry at our situations, the diagnosis’, the frustration is real and present I’m tellin’ ya, but I don’t have to do anything with it. I can keep choosing to walk in the light. I can keep choosing to find something, perhaps small and insignificant to you, but joyful in the moment to me. I have propped verses up at my desk and a mantra on my screen of my phone.

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It’s time to break this pattern and put forth the effort because it will be fruitful. How could it not?

So, the little things huh? Here’s what I’ve Found so far:

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A giant beautiful red maple tree in my very own front yard and a tall PSL Americano.

A giant green tea and new growth on my little African Violet.

A giant green tea and new growth on my little African Violet.

I thought my African violet was nearly dead. It hasn’t bloomed or had any such growth since the day we lost Colton. In fact the whole plant itself went wilty and pathetic looking. I thought for certain she was a goner. I was over joyed to not only see new growth but 4(!!!!) little buds taking form. For six long months I’ve been crawling my way up this hill and today I’ve decided to stand up and give my tush a nice work out and friggin’ climb this beast like I mean business.

RPL has stolen a lot from me, and I’ve been gullible enough to believe that those dreams are gone forever. Shame on me for forgetting that My God is bigger and has made a way for the impossible to be completely possible, and quite easy to Him.

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14 thoughts on “Up Hill Climb

  1. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself struggling with depression–it’s tough.
    I will say, that I don’t feel like feminine issues are a result of Eve’s indiscretions, but rather, a reminder of the importance and weight of our feminine capabilities. Just thought I’d offer my point-of-view. XO

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  2. I am so sorry you’ve been dealing with this Morgan. I’m just so sorry this has been hard, but I know our God can do more than we ask or imagine and I believe he is healing you. Even if it seems like you were wrecked even more. I’m praying for you daily!

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    • Thanks, girl! It’s been interesting, my poor hubs and I both decided we are a little drained from the ups and downs and me not realizing (or forgetting…) that I have the God given ability to choose how I operate day to day. Out of emotions, or out of truth.

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  3. I agree that sometimes we just ride our waves of emotions and forget that it’s our choice as to which wave to ride. One of the fruits of the spirit is self-control and since the Holy Spirit dwells in you, you have it so tap into it and use it. I find that talking out loud to the devil and telling him who I am in Christ in these moments helps. You can’t be thinking negative thoughts if you are speaking positive ones 🙂

    Also, while Eve did eat the apple, I place all the blame on the devil. I think far too often we don’t place blame on him but rather everyone and everything else and he just sits laughing at his work. JERK!

    Hang in there sugars! Greater is He that is in you, then he (the enemy) that is in the world.

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  4. Absolutely beautiful!! What you have gone through just plain sucks, and there is no way around that and I have wished so many times that I could somehow take the pain from you, but I am so proud of you for choosing to crawl out of the pit and the crap that wants to break us down and look at the beautiful things that life has for us, even in the midst of our bad days or days weeks or even bad years. Joy is absolutely a choice, but sometimes choosing it can be one of the hardest decisions ever, even though it truly is so simple. I know God has amazing plans for you and for your life!!! I know He loves you and cares for you so deeply. I know that you are one of the most beautiful and incredible people I know and that God moves powerfully through you! Love you dearly!! XBOX 🙂

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  5. Beloved Morgan, yes, we do have a choice – mostly. Choosing joy in the midst of sorrow is supernatural. When we open up to the supernatural ways of our Savior there are LOTS of contradictions we are capable of not only surviving but thriving in! Praying for you! Love you!

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  6. […] lap, as well as the never end to-do list sitting on my note pad. As I mentioned Wednesday, on the Up Hill Climb, I am trying to be more intentional with what brings joy to me and being aware that there are a […]

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  7. […] For some reason I have been feeling like I have to justify my actions, or create excuses upon excuses to try to get people to understand that it has absolutely nothing to do with the pregnancy/pregnant person/etc, and had everything to do with the fact that I am trying to remain as emotionally healthy as possible. And then, someday, I will be able to participate without the fear of derailing into a dark pit of memories and grief. I wish that I could make some people understand how badly I desire my circumstances to be different because I SO want to enjoy shopping for babies, I SO want to enjoy a baby shower, I SO want to oogle and obsess over tiny little outfits of pink or blue. I SO badly want to be emotionally capable of engaging in all of that without still having my losses of pink and blue flooding. I haven’t quite learned how to keep my losses and someone else’s gift separate, but I am sure that god is working on me and teaching me how to do this and removing the pain from me piece by piece, teaching me to enjoy the little things, teaching me to see things from a joyful perspective, teaching me every day to continue to make that uphill climb. […]

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  8. […] doing so much better than I have been previously, I am still not whole and healed but again, on the Up Hill Climb. It was simply a topic that I needed to share, not just for myself but for so many who […]

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