The horrible, no good blogger

I swear, I haven’t abandoned my blog, nothing bad has happened, ALL is well. I just got swept away in the holidays and the crazy busy season. Ok, that’s a lie. I’ve been lazy, and wanting to sleep or hang my head in the toilet every free second I have. But, we’ve also been busy.

My family is still staying with us, they had another delay in closing but I am pleased that they finally signed documents today and will get their keys tomorrow! YAY! It was nice having them so close, but I think we can all agree, for the kids sake, it will be best for them to be in their own space and get back into their own routine with ALL their own toys and bedrooms and such. BUT, we have had quite a bit of fun:

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We made it out to the dog park with the first snow of the season, I’m pretty sure Olaf was mentioned more times than I can count.  We had a blast and it was nice to get the two pups out of the house and let them run around in a larger area.

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On Sunday night we did some babysitting so that mom and dad could enjoy a date night for their 4th anniversary. The day consisted of loud cheering for the Hubs fav football team, The Carolina Panthers. I think wearing the hat was their favorite part. Or maybe it was the celebratory French fries after?

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This hot coco was so worth the photo. I mean, who passes up extra whip? Not this girl, load it up, and then some, please…. And thank you!

**Pregnancy mentioned/Ultrasound Pictures**

So for Christmas this year the hubs and I passed on purchasing gifts. We bought a house, a car, and paid to make a baby. So we called that fair enough, plus, gifts aren’t really necessary. If we want something we either save for it and buy it, or if we have the funds available now, we just buy it. But I did do something kinda sneaky, and thanks to my sweet friend for gifting this to me, I had some fun pics taken for my Man. I surprised him with them on Christmas Eve. So I’ll share with you here my favs:

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I did these last week so they had my previous Ultrasound pictures. My RE has been amazing and has been seeing me for weekly check-ins.

I am pleased to share that I am now 8 weeks 2 days, but babe is measuring at 8 weeks 5 days with a beautiful fetal heart rate of 163. If many of you have followed along, you’ll know that our boy, Colton, passed at 8 weeks 5 days (ish) and we didn’t know about it until I was 2 days shy of 12 weeks. So this week has been accompanied by some anxiety and painful memories of our last little one. So here I am facing the biggest hurdle yet. Come Monday WHEN we still have a heart beat I wonder if my chest will feel a little lighter? Or will it come at 12 weeks? Who knows, but right now I am choosing to consistently believe that this is it. This one is thriving.

I was given a 5% miscarriage rate today. That means that we have a 95% success rate.

95%!!!!!

It was a bitter-sweet moment at my RE’s office today. It was technically my Graduation Day! It included a hug (and even a pout face) from quite possibly my favorite Doctor ever! But, because I am unsure how my OB/GYN will proceed (they seem to be sticklers, hmph) Dr. F said I could come in again if I wanted/needed while we wait for their protocol to kick in. My nurse, through my RE, is still available to me for questions and concerns until I have been fully transitioned to my OB/GYN. It’s sad to leave because I feel safe, understood and most of all heard at my RE’s office. I don’t ever feel like just another pregnant patient. This little life matters to them. It’s also a very happy moment for everyone because we have achieved the main goal!

Dr. F mentioned a due date today. I know it would be August, but I had refused to really actually calculate and ask about one. It was too painful to consider. So today, After I closed my eyes and sushed him when he started mentioning it, he respected my wishes and placed the paperwork under the rest of my medical history. During my vitals check the dearest hubster took a peek and once we were in the car I let him tell me.

August 6th, 2015.

Surreal.

I am so incredibly thankful for SRM and the team we got to work with. I, selfishly, wouldn’t mind having to go back for one more scan. Just for the last good-bye, as my nurse was out today, and didn’t get to celebrate with us!

So off to the normal OB/GYN. I don’t even know what to think. I have it in my mind the way I want them to treat me and monitor me, but I am not sure how to successfully communicate that to them without seeming like the “difficult patient”, although, it is the same practice who has treated my previous 3 losses. I also don’t want silence for the next 4 weeks, the weekly reassurance has definitely been vital to my mental health. Plus, it’s been so amazing watching this little dude or little princess grow on a weekly bases.

I am pleased to show you our little squishy:

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I haven’t really decided what to do about updates… I usually just text the closest people to us the pictures first and send all the details. But, I do know that when it’s time I want to document things, just like I have in the past. last time I started my weekly pics at 8 weeks so this morning I started again (yup, just a tiny gas/bloat bump), but I just don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know if I want to share, or just keep it on my phone, or what. I don’t know how I feel about it all.

Suggestions? Feedback?

I hope you all had a fantastic Holiday, and I LOVE reading (I promise I am reading your posts) what you all did for Christmas. I’m actually excited about the 2014 Year in Review posts too.

So maybe Fabu Friday will be a recap of 2014 for me… Although, it might be a sad recap. We’ll see!

Happy (almost) New Year!

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Fabu Friday!!

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I cannot tell you how happy I am that it is Friday. Seriously, this week has kicked my butt and then some! My family is still in our house after a few unexpected delay’s in their closing of their home in AZ, thus delaying the closing of the house here in town. We love having them with us, the house is loud, it’s messy, and I’m not sure when the last time I really (and I mean REALLY) cleaned the bathrooms and the kitchen, but it doesn’t matter, we’re making memories. However, I am exhausted. Seriously Exhausted.

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I’m super excited because next week is only a 2 day work week for me, the rest is vacation! Then the week of New Years Eve it’s only a 3 day work week and then vacation time! I. Can’t. Wait.

So, as promised, I snuck in a few more pics of little man, Christian. He is such a busy body, all boy, crazy, wild child that he is hard to snap pictures of.

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The crack one is my favorite. Is there anything more cute than a kiddo crack? Seriously, my fav!

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It’s getting cold in Spokane, but we surprisingly don’t have any snow yet. Maybe, JUST maybe for Christmas we’ll get a dusting of it, but so far winter has been pretty mild. I don’t mind, I hate driving in snow. I’m not bad at it, I just hate it. Actually, I dislike driving in general, so adding any type of elements to driving conditions isn’t my favorite.

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Ok, it’s not of little bubs, but this…. Heart Melted. Princess Elsa and Uncle C-Rad snuggle buggin’ on the sofa. Can’t forget little Olaf! He’s in there too.

**Ultrasound pictures and update below**

The Pops came over for dinner sometime this last week (don’t even try to ask me which day, I can’t remember) and we got a little head start on getting ready for our Christmas Eve services at church. The Pops and I are doing a little special song/duet thing. Nothing makes me more happy then singing with my dad plays along.

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This also gave me and the Hubs the perfect opportunity to share an early Christmas gift 🙂

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The joy was short-lived because a few days later I started experiencing some bleeding and heavy cramping. Because loss is the only thing I know, naturally I freaked a little and called my nurse first thing in the morning. I know spotting and cramping can be completely normal. However for me, all 2 of the 3 losses we’ve had started with spotting and cramping.

My RE got me basically as soon as I could get there and we did an ultrasound. I am still measuring ahead and the first words that came out of Dr. F’s mouth was: We actually have a heart beat! I’ve never once experienced the SOUND of a heart beat. I have seen one, with Colton, but I have never heard it. We actually got to HEAR the heart. I don’t think I will EVER forget what that sounds like. Ever.

I got two souvenirs from my emergency visit:

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As we get closer and closer to the time frame that we know when Colton’s heart stopped, I have loads of anxiety and, battle frequently, thoughts of despair and hopelessness. I spend a lot of energy during my day choosing to be hopeful and constantly praying for peace and less fear. So the reassurance, and flexibility of my RE to calm my crazy brain is by far the greatest gift.

I’ve realized I’ve been pretty vague about where I am actually at. I am actually 6 weeks 6 days TODAY from my LMP, however at my u/s I was 6w4d and measured at 7 weeks. However, further measuring he said I was still only measuring a day a head.

It’s still so early. Sometimes I have little moments of fear for sharing, but I promised myself I wouldn’t ever censor myself or keep secrets on the blog. This blog is about real life, my relationship with Jesus, and being honest about the good, the bad and the ugly.

So, there ya have it!

HAPPY FREAKIN’ FRIDAY!!!

The Miracle We’ve Been Waiting For

Repeat pregnancy loss is a thief. It steals. And it takes and takes and never, ever gives.

Repeat pregnancy loss takes the naïve joy out of a current pregnancy. Yup. That’s right.

Current.

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This picture, is really only assuming all goes well.

I haven’t said anything on here for many reasons.

  1. This blog is public, which means the moment I push publish ALL our friends and family will know. And that’s ok, I think it should be celebrated. I understand why some don’t say anything until you hit that 12 week mark. I desperately want my little ones to be celebrated (especially when I am not doing that very well, myself). Even if it happens to be brief. It would be no secret if we lost again, and it would eventually be known if we don’t. I don’t really ever see the purpose behind waiting.
  2. We wanted to tell our immediate family before the rest of the world.
  3. I wanted to confirm it was intrauterine. HA, most people don’t have to wonder if the egg implanted anywhere else. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even cross many minds, unless you have a history of ectopic and/or a crappy tube.
  4. I’ve been trying to hold myself together in one piece.

I’d be lying if I said this has been joyful or fun. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled and over the moon happy that I get the honor of experiencing this again. It really, truly is an honor, but it also comes with fear. I am scared, all the time. My final mile stone of fear is still several weeks away. My last loss in April 2014 was in between 11 and 12 weeks. We had a heart beat and it was solid. Each time I step foot into an ultrasound room I get hot and sweaty and I start to panic. I have far too many bad memories in those rooms and it’s like my PTSD and flash backs come roaring in.

It takes every ounce within me to not RUN, and RUN FAR.

My poor RE, he mentioned how every time he sees me I look scared to death. In all honesty, I am scared to death. ALL the time. He kind of made light of it at my first ultrasound. He laughed a little when he saw the fear on my face of a potentially empty uterus and full fallopian tube. These aren’t irrational fears, people. These are things I’ve lived through and things that are very much so a possibility. I was relieved to see my tubes were empty and my uterus was not. I finally felt like I could breathe again, at least a little.

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There is just one in there. At 5 weeks 2 days we saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring a day ahead at 5w3d. Apparently that’s pretty normal to only see those two things that early. I go back the week of Christmas to confirm a heart beat. My stupid brain says this: it could possibly be the best Christmas ever or the worst Christmas ever.

My heart is so desperately depending on the Lord to carry me through this. I should be ecstatic. I should be giddy. I should be celebrating.

Instead I find myself thanking Him for the most odd things. The little cramps that remind me that Little one is snuggling in nice and tight, the gag-full days where I seriously just want to puke all.day.long. Thankful for the exhaustion that sets in usually just an hour or two from getting out of bed. In fact, I find that I am so thankful for these little moments that when they disappear I start to freak out. Some try to tell me to enjoy the “break”. I really should, but I can’t. See, RPL has stripped me of the innocence of being pregnant. And, let’s be honest, I’ve done this before. I’ve had the symptoms, the great ultrasounds, I’ve done the first trimester several times now. Because I have done all this before it’s making it that much more stressful. I am just that much more aware of what my body is doing and the pinches and the cramps and the symptom spotting and the lack of symptoms. I’ve done this.

And, honestly (hate me if you must) right now, I don’t like any of it.

I’m trying though. I’m really, really  trying. If you were to share a bed with me you’d see that every morning and every night the first and last things I do is I find my tummy and put my hand over it and say Hi to the little person who’s taken up residence there. If you were a fly on the wall you’d see that I have not just one, but 3 silly pregnancy apps on my phone reminding me of all the new developments. If you could be in my brain, I’m proud that such a tiny little person is making such HUGE accomplishments. It’s hard work to form your spine, little noses, and tiny little leg and arm buds. If you could be in my brain you would hear the constant prayer : HELP, numerous times a day. Pleading that I can actually MEET this one in person and not have to wait for eternity. If you could read my journal you’d see a lot of tears and hope that this one, is THE one.

So this week, I have a blueberry sized little person making this momma crazy.

I feel like an imposter, or a phony. I don’t fit here. But, I’m doing the best with what I have, where I am.

So here’s the nitty-gritty for those who like the stats:

Beta #1 @ 11dpo – 49.3

Beta #2 @ 14dpo – 334

Beta #3 @ 17dpo – 1275, Progesterone 115, TSH 0.99

Beta #4 @ 20dpo – 4373

On and off (but mostly ON) nausea, I’ve lost 4 pounds, sore chest, constant UTI (ugh, go away), exhaustion, cramps, no real cravings and no real aversions, on and off headaches, bloated, fatigue.

I am on 200mg of sublingual progesterone (100mg in the AM and 100mg in the PM) and we ditched the baby aspirin about 2 months ago and I see no need for it right now. Because of the MTHFR I am taking bio-active forms of both methyl-folate, b6, and b12 vitamins accompanied by a vegan DHA and of course, the ever so GIANT prenatal.

I will be seen every two weeks by our RE until 10 weeks, however my intake appointment with my OBGYN is at 9w2d. So I will be seen by both through January. I thought I would be satisfied with every 2 weeks but it seems like an eternity. I don’t know how people ever go 4 weeks in between appointments. Perhaps maybe in the coming weeks I should invest in a home Doppler thingy to hear the heart beat any time I need/want.

I’ve realized now more than ever that I need Jesus as my sole sustainer. I’ve realized now more than  ever how desperately I need His presence in my life. I’m not sure any of this would be manageable without Him. I have little note cards at my desk at work, I may seem like the “crazy Christian lady” with bible verses scattered at my desk. But, I do it cause it keeps me half way sane. I think?

Lamentations 3:25-26

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

REMINDER: I trust you Jesus, You are my hope. How much of His grace am I willing to receive today?

Isaiah 54:10

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will NOT be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you.

Exodus 23:25-26

Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.

Because this is His written word, I know that He will be faithful and fulfill what He has promised. I know that I can stand confidently that He has heard my prayers and my requests. My words aren’t falling on deaf ears. His plan may look differently than mine and I know that my refinement is up to him, I’m willing to do what it takes to be more like Him. I’m also begging to spare me from the heartache and pain that comes with loss. The outcome is His. This little one doesn’t belong to me anyway, He or she belongs to Him first, my body just happens to be the vessel to get him/her here.

OK, I could probably type for hours about all this. So I’ll stop here. The gist: I’m scared. This is crazy. I can’t believe I am doing this again. Holy crap.

One breath at a time.

I can do this.

Fabu Friday!

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Yup, it’s Friday… Again?! Time just keeps slipping away. And I’m realizing that with each passing Friday I am getting worse and worse at sticking to my Fabu Friday Posts. Maybe because of the holidays I am getting more and more busy and taking less and less pictures and just enjoying the time I have with family and friends?

Or maybe I’m just lazy.

That is a strong possibility. I may have even lost interest. I do need to pat myself on the back at least a little for actually doing it, even if it’s not good quality. But, to me these are just memories made and documentation of those memories.

My week started with this:

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Random fact: I am allergic to eggs. And Dairy (ok and few other things, but that’s not important). So when the holiday Egg Nog comes out each year I fuss and pout that I don’t get to participate in sipping on such a omgthisisamazing treat. On Sunday, however, I had a brilliant idea. I wanted something cold and I really wanted something fall-ish. So, I asked for blended white chocolate and pumpkin sauce drink. To my surprise, for some odd reason, it actually tasted like Egg Nog!!!!!!!!!! I was the happiest ever. Ok, maybe not ever.

wow. It was good!

Bonus: it was made with Almond Milk instead of regular milk (the only dairy is the whip, and I will suffer any consequence for whip cream). This drink had no caffeine and I’d like to think it was sugar-free too. Maybe even Fat free… Maybe wishful thinking?

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We ordered lunch this week at work. It was SO good. I kinda giggled a little when I saw the cute, little, petite bag of croutons that came with the salad. I think it had a total of 2 croutons and one smashed crouton. I mean, I know some people don’t want many croutons. Too many carbs or something, but HELP A GIRL OUT. I love croutons. LOVE. They are the best part, especially in a Caesar Salad! Nom Nom Nom. ( think I just used the word croutons far too many times in one paragraph… Meh, oh well)

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This little one. Oh my word. So, my sister and her family rolled into town Tuesday night around dinner time. I am SO happy to have them here. It’s such a treat and it really is nice having a zoo in my house. I mean a heard. Wait, I mean….. Well, it’s full. But it’s fun. Here’s the tally:

4 Adults

2 Children

3 Cats

2 Medium sized Dogs, one whom is still a puppy.

My niece, Maddy, she loves me. I am unashamed to say that I might just be her favorite, and well, she’s my favorite too. She’s who made me an Auntie for the first time. She stole my heart 10 years ago and we are tight. So in the mornings (when I think I have time) I unlock our bedroom door and let her come “help” me get ready. I think she’s been enjoying that I allow her to use my brushes and actually help her apply shimmer-y stuff to her lids and lips. I love it. But, even when I think I have time, it still makes me late. Honestly, it’s worth it. It’s my family and I love soaking up all that I can get. I have a special love for her. I tried to snap a pic of Christian, the nephew, but he’s all boy and is busy jumping down the stairs and dragging bags of chips around the house and crashing toy trucks into the walls. Makes me day-dream about my someday noisy home with little feet running around causing dirty finger prints on everything and Lego’s on the kitchen floor.

I.Love.It.

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See what I mean? Who doesn’t love having their own personal Elsa (or is that Ana?) to act out the whole Frozen movie in their living room?

Maybe my goal this next week is to get more pics of Little Dude. 🙂

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I’ve been battling a season of slight insomnia, and I found this to be fitting.  My brain starts wondering, then all of a sudden it’s off in La La Land and I’ve lost track. When my sleep is lacking I tend to pray (usually that does the trick, Sorry Lord. I just can’t help it) but recently I’ll be praying and moving down my list of friends and family then all of a sudden I’m making my grocery list for the New Year. Then I catch myself, stop and wonder how praying for so and so’s this and that led me to where I could find the cheapest ground turkey? Then…. I just start praying for more wisdom with my grocery budget. HA! He cares about that, right? Yeah, he must. If it concerns me, it concerns him.

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This. I died. My hubs, he’s seriously the greatest. He usually does the dishes. The “I cook, you clean” method works great in our home. We are both working full-time so chores are typically split up. However, I must say he’s a champ and often surprises me with a clean house when he gets off early on some days. I.Am.Spoiled. I know that, and I love it, and I appreciate it more than he’ll ever know. Maybe Acts of Service is one of my main love languages? Who knows.

Happy Friday! I hope you all have Christmas parties to attend, cookies to eat, family and cozy cuddle time to enjoy!

XO