The Miracle We’ve Been Waiting For

Repeat pregnancy loss is a thief. It steals. And it takes and takes and never, ever gives.

Repeat pregnancy loss takes the naïve joy out of a current pregnancy. Yup. That’s right.

Current.

IMG_7043

This picture, is really only assuming all goes well.

I haven’t said anything on here for many reasons.

  1. This blog is public, which means the moment I push publish ALL our friends and family will know. And that’s ok, I think it should be celebrated. I understand why some don’t say anything until you hit that 12 week mark. I desperately want my little ones to be celebrated (especially when I am not doing that very well, myself). Even if it happens to be brief. It would be no secret if we lost again, and it would eventually be known if we don’t. I don’t really ever see the purpose behind waiting.
  2. We wanted to tell our immediate family before the rest of the world.
  3. I wanted to confirm it was intrauterine. HA, most people don’t have to wonder if the egg implanted anywhere else. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even cross many minds, unless you have a history of ectopic and/or a crappy tube.
  4. I’ve been trying to hold myself together in one piece.

I’d be lying if I said this has been joyful or fun. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled and over the moon happy that I get the honor of experiencing this again. It really, truly is an honor, but it also comes with fear. I am scared, all the time. My final mile stone of fear is still several weeks away. My last loss in April 2014 was in between 11 and 12 weeks. We had a heart beat and it was solid. Each time I step foot into an ultrasound room I get hot and sweaty and I start to panic. I have far too many bad memories in those rooms and it’s like my PTSD and flash backs come roaring in.

It takes every ounce within me to not RUN, and RUN FAR.

My poor RE, he mentioned how every time he sees me I look scared to death. In all honesty, I am scared to death. ALL the time. He kind of made light of it at my first ultrasound. He laughed a little when he saw the fear on my face of a potentially empty uterus and full fallopian tube. These aren’t irrational fears, people. These are things I’ve lived through and things that are very much so a possibility. I was relieved to see my tubes were empty and my uterus was not. I finally felt like I could breathe again, at least a little.

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There is just one in there. At 5 weeks 2 days we saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring a day ahead at 5w3d. Apparently that’s pretty normal to only see those two things that early. I go back the week of Christmas to confirm a heart beat. My stupid brain says this: it could possibly be the best Christmas ever or the worst Christmas ever.

My heart is so desperately depending on the Lord to carry me through this. I should be ecstatic. I should be giddy. I should be celebrating.

Instead I find myself thanking Him for the most odd things. The little cramps that remind me that Little one is snuggling in nice and tight, the gag-full days where I seriously just want to puke all.day.long. Thankful for the exhaustion that sets in usually just an hour or two from getting out of bed. In fact, I find that I am so thankful for these little moments that when they disappear I start to freak out. Some try to tell me to enjoy the “break”. I really should, but I can’t. See, RPL has stripped me of the innocence of being pregnant. And, let’s be honest, I’ve done this before. I’ve had the symptoms, the great ultrasounds, I’ve done the first trimester several times now. Because I have done all this before it’s making it that much more stressful. I am just that much more aware of what my body is doing and the pinches and the cramps and the symptom spotting and the lack of symptoms. I’ve done this.

And, honestly (hate me if you must) right now, I don’t like any of it.

I’m trying though. I’m really, really  trying. If you were to share a bed with me you’d see that every morning and every night the first and last things I do is I find my tummy and put my hand over it and say Hi to the little person who’s taken up residence there. If you were a fly on the wall you’d see that I have not just one, but 3 silly pregnancy apps on my phone reminding me of all the new developments. If you could be in my brain, I’m proud that such a tiny little person is making such HUGE accomplishments. It’s hard work to form your spine, little noses, and tiny little leg and arm buds. If you could be in my brain you would hear the constant prayer : HELP, numerous times a day. Pleading that I can actually MEET this one in person and not have to wait for eternity. If you could read my journal you’d see a lot of tears and hope that this one, is THE one.

So this week, I have a blueberry sized little person making this momma crazy.

I feel like an imposter, or a phony. I don’t fit here. But, I’m doing the best with what I have, where I am.

So here’s the nitty-gritty for those who like the stats:

Beta #1 @ 11dpo – 49.3

Beta #2 @ 14dpo – 334

Beta #3 @ 17dpo – 1275, Progesterone 115, TSH 0.99

Beta #4 @ 20dpo – 4373

On and off (but mostly ON) nausea, I’ve lost 4 pounds, sore chest, constant UTI (ugh, go away), exhaustion, cramps, no real cravings and no real aversions, on and off headaches, bloated, fatigue.

I am on 200mg of sublingual progesterone (100mg in the AM and 100mg in the PM) and we ditched the baby aspirin about 2 months ago and I see no need for it right now. Because of the MTHFR I am taking bio-active forms of both methyl-folate, b6, and b12 vitamins accompanied by a vegan DHA and of course, the ever so GIANT prenatal.

I will be seen every two weeks by our RE until 10 weeks, however my intake appointment with my OBGYN is at 9w2d. So I will be seen by both through January. I thought I would be satisfied with every 2 weeks but it seems like an eternity. I don’t know how people ever go 4 weeks in between appointments. Perhaps maybe in the coming weeks I should invest in a home Doppler thingy to hear the heart beat any time I need/want.

I’ve realized now more than ever that I need Jesus as my sole sustainer. I’ve realized now more than  ever how desperately I need His presence in my life. I’m not sure any of this would be manageable without Him. I have little note cards at my desk at work, I may seem like the “crazy Christian lady” with bible verses scattered at my desk. But, I do it cause it keeps me half way sane. I think?

Lamentations 3:25-26

The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

REMINDER: I trust you Jesus, You are my hope. How much of His grace am I willing to receive today?

Isaiah 54:10

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will NOT be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you.

Exodus 23:25-26

Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.

Because this is His written word, I know that He will be faithful and fulfill what He has promised. I know that I can stand confidently that He has heard my prayers and my requests. My words aren’t falling on deaf ears. His plan may look differently than mine and I know that my refinement is up to him, I’m willing to do what it takes to be more like Him. I’m also begging to spare me from the heartache and pain that comes with loss. The outcome is His. This little one doesn’t belong to me anyway, He or she belongs to Him first, my body just happens to be the vessel to get him/her here.

OK, I could probably type for hours about all this. So I’ll stop here. The gist: I’m scared. This is crazy. I can’t believe I am doing this again. Holy crap.

One breath at a time.

I can do this.

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39 thoughts on “The Miracle We’ve Been Waiting For

  1. I love everything about this post. As a mama with babies in heaven I understand that cautious, tentative joy. I am overflowing with happiness for you though! I think I’ve told my husband your story 20 times. I cannot WAIT to see how God gives you peace that passes all understanding throughout this pregnancy. And I’m waiting in expectation to see answered prayers! Congrats guys!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh. My. Goodness. First – CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy to hear this news – how wonderful! I completey understand the mindset that comes with being pregnant after a loss (or losses). It is awful – what should be the most exciting period of your life suddenly comes with all these conditions and “what ifs.” If you ever need to talk, I am here! Saying countless prayers for you, your family, and of course, baby. I think you have some angels in heaven looking out for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. thank you so very much for sharing your heart, and life.. yet again, in such a vulnerable way. I totally understand your ability to be terrified, and trusting jesus all at the same time. yet, when you share that in such a genuine, raw way… those of us in your world, get to share in the joy of new life… and pray through the twists and turns of the journey ahead. I love you girl…. am so excited for this new life, and am praying for peace in the midst of it all. breathe deep, … be still and know that He is God. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What?!

    This is the absolute best news! And btw, your numbers looked perfect, absolutely perfect. You know I am a stats kinda gal and well, I am so happy for you and have a very good feeling. Very good! Sending you lots of hugs from Oklahoma.
    Best. News.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Congrats! So very pleased for you!
    Sounds very promising. With your RPL history and MTHFR, I would take the baby aspirin as a precaution (I’m taking Heparin injections 2x daily as a precaution and it’s worth it to me, and I’m not even diagnosed MTHFR). The baby aspirin has proven to help RPL and also reduces risk of preeclampsia. And that’s my “public service announcement”–I can’t help it, sorry! Wishing you the best Christmas yet! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is exactly what I wanted to say. I do have MTHFR and I have been told to never quit taking baby aspirin even when not pregnant and I am also taking the methylated B vitamins. I take a 40mg Lovenox injection every day as well. I’ve done a fair bit of reading up on MTHFR and I would just be extra cautious. Plus, like MLACS said, baby aspirin is shown to be helpful in cases of RPL etc. I don’t want to scare you, I’m just one to err on the side of extra caution. 🙂

      Now that I got that off my chest….
      Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. 🙂 This truly is a very special Christmas present. 🙂 I wish you all the best.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I have been going back and forth on the baby aspirin. I cannot for the lift of my stop thinking about it. On one hand I am afraid to just start taking it again and on the other hand I don’t want to regret not taking it, should anything go wrong…. I was taking it and it made me have LOADS of break through bleeding and part of me was suspecting that it was inhibiting implantation…… Maybe that’s just a conspiracy theory. I am SOO torn. My RE isn’t really too interested in anything about MTHFR, maybe I could consult my Primary Doc who has definitely had some suggestions about this mutation…. I’m just so conflicted. Would it hurt to start it again? Is it safe?

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      • Well hun, I’m not a doctor. But I would take it. It’s only a small dose of a mild blood thinner so it shouldn’t make you bleed much more than you normally would. But for a lot of people with RPL, it makes all the difference in the world. I would suggest googling “baby aspirin for MTHFR in pregnancy” and read up on it. XOXO

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  6. Congratulations Mama! I know how it feels to be scary. We haven’t quite made it to RPL, but I do know your fear. I, too, had an ectopic. I, too, will have a strict monitoring protocol if we can get pg again. I understand your fear. I will be praying that God holds your sweet baby and protects them. Mostly, I will be praying that God will send his angels to minister to your heart, to protect you, and send you peace. I pray this is your take home baby and you can meet him/her in August!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love being the crazy Christian lady! 2 timothy 1:7 – the Lord NEVER speaks through fear, but through love, power, and a sound mind! Love you friend and trusting any fear you are feeling is not from Jesus! Praying for you and for this baby!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Congrats!! I have lost nine babies total now, but after 18 years of marriage and all in God’s time I have 11 kids now. 6 adopted, and 5 biological girls. We think we may be prego again right now. I’m praying for you. I know how hard this time can be waiting. You will be a mommy soon! Praying this time everything goes ok!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh I am so soooooo happy for you! Congrats and many blessings! I can’t wait to hear how your next appointment goes.

    I also understand so many of your fears. It was as if you plucked my thoughts and feelings out of my mind and wrote them. I go into every ultrasound appointment holding my breath. Pregnancy loss scars are hard to heal and there is a real PTSD response. It’s hard to be happy when you’re fearful of the other show dropping. My mom asked me when I was going to be happy about this pregnancy and I told her that the only lens I have to look through is one of loss. I’m 12.5 weeks today and I still have fears and anxiety that it will all slip away. But things look so great for you – wonderful measurements and betas. Wishing you much success!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t wait to update about my next appointment 🙂 So Excited!! The PTSD is a real thing. Some want me to dismiss it, but it’s really not all that easy. A constant battle in the mind, that’s for certain. Thank you so much for the support. It’s always nice to feel understood and heard and best of all, loved! THANK YOU! XO

      Liked by 1 person

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