The overwhelmed, but almost at peace Me – Oh and little Squishy :)

Once again another week has flown by. I don’t even know where time is going. Where the heck is that magical button to slow things down, just a little.

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I admit, I am not a huge fan of foul language, but I feel this adequately describes my brain function, sadly.

It was a sad sad day at the Brooks’, the Carolina Panthers lost to our home state team, the Seattle Seahawks. The hubs and I thoroughly enjoyed an oversized plate of nachos and pj’s while watching the game and called it an early night. I was so proud of my Hubs. Sometimes games (especially the big ones) can put a damper on our husband’s moods. But he took it like a champ and was proud of his favorite team and called it a great year.

Today probably isn’t the best day to be blogging and giving updates on the happening in our home. I’m in a mood. I don’t know what kind of mood to call it though. I realized today as I was driving to work that I am completely overwhelmed and I think being a bump on a log with absolutely no energy isn’t doing me any favors. I find myself comparing my unchecked to-do list to someone else’s almost completely checked off list and beating myself up that I’m not a better wife, a better home-keeper, a better cleaner, a better laundry do-er. The list could seriously go on and on. I’m glad I am super aware of this but, it’s not helping my already overwhelmed-ness.

I’m finding that I am worrying constantly about the “unknowns”, and “the how’s this gonna work…”, and “the gotta get x,y and,z done, but when?”… It feels kind of like chaos but all up inside my head (ok and well the bedroom and laundry room). But I realized today (even though I’ve been feeling it heavy on my heart for weeks, or maybe even a few months) why I don’t feel grounded. Why my feet don’t feel like they are on the solid rock and which I should be standing.

The Word.

The living, breathing, need it forever and always, the hoping giving, peace giving, Word. Also known as your bible.

I am so ashamed that I cannot remember the last time I pulled that bugger out for just some me time. I’ve read it for our small group and I’ve done my fair share of flipping through it on Sunday during the sermon, or googled a verse that was popping in my head. But I have not picked up my bible just to spend some time with Jesus. Ouch. I have a million and one excuses why I haven’t. I could claim that the overwhelming desire to sleep has distracted me, or the fact that for several weeks there a lot of my free time at night was sitting in the bathroom. Blah, blah blah. Excuses.

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So, all that being said, I’ve hit my max and this “mood” that I happen to be feeling is a direct result and wake up cry for my souls biggest thirst. Again, if my post seems Debby-downer from start to finish, it’s my mood speaking and not necessarily my normal life is good mood. If you know me personally, I would definitely ask that you just gently encourage me to get my booty in the word and remind me that this season shall too pass. Perhaps that I won’t be overwhelmed forever, it’s just a season. Mmmk, thanks 🙂 Good chat!

On another note, it’s cold. I don’t like being cold. I’m cold all the time. Unless I’m not, then I’m way too hot. I blame it on the little one who’s stealing everything else from me. 🙂

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**Pregnancy and Ultrasounds mentioned**

I am now a whopping 10 weeks and 5 days, and babe was showing off this week and being a complete over achiever and measured at 11 week even! I have an anterior placenta, which I am a little bummed about, but baggers can’t be choosers. An anterior placenta basically means that the placenta sits on the portion of my uterus that sits closest to my abdomen wall. If it doesn’t move there is a higher likelihood that I won’t feel the baby move until closer to 20-22 weeks. For my sanity, I am really hoping it moves so that I don’t have to wait any longer than I have to. But, at this point, babe seems to be sticking, growing, thumping right along.

I started up Yoga at work, and I should even brag about it cause really it’s once a week. Something is better than nothing. I’ve replaced my breakfast with a loaded smoothie (kale, spinach, banana, rice protein powder, peanut butter, frozen mixed berried, and almond milk). It’s amazing. I’m fuller longer, I’m getting (hopefully) more iron in, and I just overall feel better.

I know in my last post I asked about genetic testing and I got lots of great feedback. Connor and I have decided to decline. The test may or may not have been covered by insurance and she assured me that without it, it’s incredibly expensive. We will not, however, decline the anatomy scan in the second trimester. This will give us another peek at babe and also make sure his/her growth and vital organs are developing properly. It’s the right decision for us, but I fully understand that for some, it might not be the right choice. We really appreciate all the feedback and it brought up a lot of great conversations.

So, off to the RE I went yesterday for my “peace of mind” appointment. It was seriously everything and more that I could have wanted. First here’s little Squishy:

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Once again, little one was as active as ever. Kicking, punching, rolling, stretching, and even scrunching up really tiny. I was totally blown away again. Little one’s heart rate bumped up to 176, but apparently my heart rate was way up as well so he suggested it was likely due to me being all wired. In my defense I thought I left my office on time and ended up showing up right ON time (not early like I always try to be). So I bolted – yup,  almost like a half run –  up the stairs and got called back immediately so I didn’t have time to sit and catch my breath from rushing everywhere. Plus I am out of breath ALL.THE.TIME now. I was a little winded on occasion before this week, but now, I can’t breathe. ever. I lead worship at church quite often and I find I have to back away from the mic at times and just breathe. Haha, it’s comical, I’m always making eyes at the hubs signaling that I just simply cant breath, I take this opportunity to encourage clapping, haha. Anyway, the heart rate is fine, and will likely go back down as my heart rate goes back down.

Here you go ladies:

Next appointment: End of January  – I’m gonna try to be strong and wait it out. 2.5 weeks, totally do able, right?
Total weight gain/loss: Meh, about even still, maybe plus 1-2 MAX. However at my RE’s office yesterday it showed I was up 4 total from pre-pregnancy. However, I’m ignoring it because that was after 2 full meals and a couple of snacks. I never weigh myself in the middle or the end of the day. Never. So my home scale says I’m the same.
Exercise: Yoga is in full swing, and I’m making an effort to do more stairs and walk more as much as possible!
Maternity clothes: Nah, not really. My pants are getting tighter and my clothes are fitting weird now. So Connor took me shopping and I got a couple of clearance items from Old Navy. I’m returning the pants though, they fit weird.
Sleep: I need it. I crave it. I did get a solid 2 hour nap in on Sunday. That was pure bliss I tell ya. Other than that, sleep, I usually toss and turn and then toss and turn some more, get up pee, and toss and turn a little longer. Hmph.
Food cravings:  Tomatoes. More specifically grape tomatoes. I’ll eat the whole tub if I’m not careful.
Symptoms: All the usual stuff, but totally manageable. Getting better day by day, though. Hardly any nausea, Yay!
Movement:  TOO early.
What I miss: Eggs. Having a fairly new severe allergy to eggs is not convenient. I want eggs. And lots of them. In every form. I want fresh cold deli meat, and I don’t want to have to heat it up.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby 🙂
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movements and knowing the gender.
Best moment this week: Again, laughing at my little one bouncing around and I can’t feel a thing, this time Connor came with me, it was a really special moment. I think my RE even fist bumped the nurse during my ultrasound with his amazing picture-taking skills. They were excited, mostly because they don’t typically see babies at this size. If you aren’t an RPL patient you usually get shuffled out to an OB after a heartbeat is confirmed at 6ish weeks. They were all pretty excited. It was awesome.
Last but not least, my vulnerability………… Here we go…… A bump/flab/gas/bloat shot. Last night my twin sister and I were looking at her old bump shots from her last pregnancy. It was funny to see that what I look like in this pic is what she looked like at 12 and 13 weeks. So, here we go…. ohmygoshicantbelieveimdoingthis…………
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It was a tight sweater dress, and I giggle every time I see my funny shaped gut. This body is changing and it will continue to change. So, there you have it friends. YIKES.

 

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8 thoughts on “The overwhelmed, but almost at peace Me – Oh and little Squishy :)

  1. Hey lady! One thing: being cold/depressed can be a sign of hypothyroidism, which can be caused by pregnancy. Have your TSH tested (thyroid stimulating hormone) and make sure it’s under 2.5, just to be safe. You look great! XOXO

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    • I had it checked at about 4 weeks… and it was .99. If I’m still feeling gloomy and cold in the next week or so I’ll call 🙂 Thanks for the heads up, you’re the best! Better to keep an eye on it!!

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  2. I really like a lot of what you said in this post, but one thing caught me in particular: “I find myself comparing my unchecked to-do list to someone else’s almost completely checked off list and beating myself up…” My two cents, for whatever it is worth, try to remember that you cannot see everyone else’s unchecked list, so you are simply comparing yourself to what you think their list looks like. I bet their to-do list, looks like just like yours and they are struggling with many of the same feelings. Maybe try focusing on what on your list is done, and what on your list really doesn’t need to be there right now. I suspect a few things you expect of yourself right now are unnecessary
    And I say this, because I do it of myself, and I just spent an hour with my counsellor talking in part about looking at a list of my own through a different lens to see the successes rather then the frustrations. Now, as I think of my own inability to look at things differently, I am humbly reminded of the saying, those who cannot do, teach. 🙂
    Love to you – I am so incredibly confident that you’ve got this!!

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    • Thank you, MPB! You’re very right. I even had this same chat with my mom last night. She said that I sounded a lot like her, haha! Sometimes there are just seasons of busy and the to do lists aren’t what we wish. This just happens to be one of those seasons. Thankful for a husband who’s willing to step in a do a few of my to-do’s for me! HUGS

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  3. You look fantastic! And I had an anterior placenta, twice. Conner had one, and I felt him and his brother move at 18 weeks. But it was only then that I realized I had been feeling them for a couple weeks prior, but never knew it was them. With this baby, I felt her move at around 14-15 weeks and she has an anterior placenta. You are thin, so you’ll be likely to feel your baby move earlier. I won’t ever see this little girls hands or feet push on my belly because of her placenta, but I feel her plenty – and I felt her early. So you might too!

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    • This gives me sooo much hope!!! I was starting to worry when they said the time frame. I’m getting incredibly anxious for those moments and wishing time would fly right on by. I’m hoping this is when my petite frame comes in handy 😉 Thanks hun 🙂 HUGS

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  4. Love your cute little bump friend!! You are just precious! SO excited to see little squishy! Your image about the cold and the age thing seriously cracked me up! I agree!!! I DISLIKE the cold :/

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    • Right? It’s very cold here, at least today, this month. BUT, we don’t have snow so that’s a win. I’ll take the layers of clothes over snow, any day! I hope that flub gets nice a big 😉 haha, Hugs Caroline, xox

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