Good Byes, Moods, and Squishy

It has been a very long week. A very long, exhausting week.

I’m not really sure where to start. We entered the weekend knowing that my Husband’s Grandma was not doing well and it progressed through the weekend. We spent a lot of time visiting her and seeing more and more of the family. On Monday while I was at work I got the phone call that it was probably a good day to come say our goodbyes. I finished up what needed to be done and bounced out of the office to go be with the family. When I got there she seemed to be doing better, although she was still in much pain and not really aware. I was and am so thankful for that time we got with her.

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It was a beautiful moment to watch a good portion of her grandkids (whom she loved with every single ounce of her being) sit with her and tell stories. Although Grandma wasn’t able to communicate with us, a few of her grunts were very obvious efforts at laughter. It was the most touching moment I have ever witnessed. I am so proud of my husband, his family, and his cousins. They are quite the spectacular bunch.

Come Tuesday Grandma was still fighting, but she finally went home to be with Jesus that afternoon. I am deeply saddened at losing a loved one and watching the family endure the pain of missing and losing a loved one, but I am also so incredibly thankful for her total and complete healing in heaven. No more pain, no more suffering. She’s free from sickness and free from this burdened world. I couldn’t be happier for her. She was a wonderful woman and her legacy will be carried for far more generations than I can count. She raised her kids right and loved her family well. I will always be the first to admit that even the comfort of knowing where she is doesn’t always make the sadness any easier. So I am constantly thinking and praying for the family.

I’ve been swamped at work (or so it feels), tired as can be, sicker than a dog, and trying my very best to keep up with blogs, the home, dinner, work, appointments, chores, errands, family get-together’s. So, that’s my excuse this week for being a tardy blogger. I’ve even contemplated stepping away from blogging/reading blogs just for a short time so that I can refocus and re-prioritize.

I’ve been going to the chiropractor twice a week for the last few weeks, we’ve discovered that most of my back pain I was experiencing was due to my actual pelvis being trapped/stuck together and unable to widen like it normally would during pregnancy. So we’ve been working on getting that freed up, only to find that my tailbone is actually twisted. So I’m thankful that I wasn’t just being a weenie when I was finding that my back was hurting more than what seemed like a normal annoying pregnancy thing.

The Hubs and I have been thoroughly enjoying our home Doppler. It’s been sooo good to us. Whoever tried to tell me that it would likely cause more stress than it’s worth was wrong. It’s been amazing. Especially since I took a nice spill down some stairs this week. I knew deep down everything was fine, but of course the tiny little voice of doubt crept in. It wasn’t like I went head first and tumbled. I fell backwards and my elbow took the majority of the beating, but I did land once on my shoulder then twice on my lower back. I thought for sure, at first, I broke my elbow since I hit it on tile flooring and heard a nasty crunch (it was just the metal piece that covered the transition between carpet and tile). But, all is well – I’m just a tad sore with a  few bruises. The next morning for reassurance I pulled out my Doppler and sure enough, whoosh, whoosh whooshing away was little Squishy.

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Speaking of little Squishy, I had my OB appointment, and let me tell you – it was a waste of time and money.

She used the Doppler, claimed to have heard the heart beat (which I didn’t even hear), asked how I was feeling, answered a couple of questions and sent me on my way. I had brought my husband along because last time I was in they said I would be getting an ultrasound… Well apparently not. I was not very happy about this. One – I wouldn’t have brought my husband along to talk about my bathroom habits and the nausea he is all too familiar with, two – she somehow acknowledged my anxieties but didn’t care that these things are a little stressful for me. Her compromise at first was to wait until I was 21 weeks to do the anatomy scan and since I was not too thrilled about waiting another 8 weeks to see what’s going on in there she said “Well, since you are a fertility treatment pregnancy we’ll do an extra scan at your next appointment”. So, basically 4 more weeks of waiting. Ok, ok, fine. Whatever…..  “Welcome to a normal pregnancy”. From where I stand, nothing will ever be normal. Never once have I sat in that OB waiting area and thought to myself that I am just another pregnant person. More often than not I don’t feel like I belong there.. Like I am some fake, or phony…. Doppler’s in a doctor’s office are still not my favorite (actually, seeing her Doppler today almost prompted me to run outta that room, scares me to death), ultrasounds, although they bring me MUCH relief, are not my favorite… Walking into that office takes every ounce of courage to forget the other hundreds of memories I have from those waiting rooms.

I am incredibly thankful that this is a seemingly normal and healthy pregnancy, but I refuse to completely forget the past I’ve experienced and I think it’s unreasonable to have anyone expect me to feel “safe” and “ok”. EVEN IF I have passed the major mile stones. I’m still learning to trust that my body isn’t going to kill my baby. Morbid, maybe. Realistic, yes.

Anyway, I’m off on a tangent….. Long story short, I had some unmet expectations today and it was a hard situation to deal with. I feel like my appointment could have been done over the phone and I wouldn’t have had to miss an hour and half (of mostly waiting mind you….) of work.

To add to the fiery tude I have today I will note: I have seen a major change in my mood the last few weeks. I believe I can blame some of this on the lovely hormones. I mean, hey! My Pregnancy App warned me that mood swings can be common. Apparently I thought I would be immune to that and not experience them. Haha, if only I were so lucky…. Let’s just say my tolerance level has decreased and my sensitivity increased, thus creating this little Mexican girl to go from 0-60 in no time flat. I don’t like it, I’m very aware of it, I’m doing my best to control it and learn my way through it. But, I’ve required a little more grace than usual… Just remember this next time I throw an eye roll your way 😉

Next appointment: End of February (17 weeks) – This will include an ultrasound, I double checked when checking out.
Total weight gain/loss: Definitely up something (like 2-4 pounds?) but I didn’t gain anything from my last OB appointment to this one.
Exercise: Yoga, and I’m making an effort to do more stairs and walk more as much as possible!
Maternity clothes: About the same – I can’t say yes, but I can’t say no…. My clothes are fitting weird now so I find that I’m in the “I look fat but can’t really tell that I’m pregnant” stage. My jeans have been swapped for leggings and on days that I need actual pants I do wear low/small panel maternity pants/jeans. They are more comfortable and should be available during non-maternity times as well. Whoever invented buttons and zippers failed us, big time.
Sleep: I need it. I crave it. Hmph. I mentioned my lack of sleep today, and she didn’t seem concerned… I think I average 3-4 hours a night… Not fun.
Food cravings:  Nothing… Gross, yuck, no thank you.
Symptoms: All the usual stuff and instead of getting better my body decided to trick me and now I am back to all day nausea, all day (minor) headaches, pretty intense fatigue. You know, the norm.
Movement:  TOO early…. The Dr suggested today that I will likely not feel anything until after viability (24 weeks).  I’m not even going to consider movement for a while.
What I miss: Colton. Sleep. Me.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movements and knowing the gender (End of March, unless we’re lucky and somehow they can sneak a peek at 17 weeks) and buying ALL THE BABY THINGS.
Best moment this week: I don’t really have a distinct best moment this week. I was looking forward to my appointment…. But now that that’s done, I can’t even say that was fun….. OOH, I know….. My boss and I were talking this morning and she said, ” I can see your baby”. That was a fun moment. Although I personally think I just look a little flubby! Haha!
So, 13 weeks….. Some say now is when the 2nd Trimester starts (some say 14 weeks)… So I am somewhere between the 1st and 2nd Tri…. yep, I wore the same dress (again) so I could compare, it’s just SOOO comfortable!
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19 thoughts on “Good Byes, Moods, and Squishy

  1. I am so sorry for your families loss. I have to say your words – “She raised her kids right and loved her family well” – might be the biggest compliment someone could ever receive. She sounds like a wonderful women, and I wish your family the best as you continue to grieve and say good bye.
    Second, refocusing and re-prioritizing is essential for everyone to do from time to time. Take time if you need it, and know that I will be sending you love and wishing you the best no matter what. (But selfishly I hope you don’t stay away for too long, I love reading your blog).
    Third, I’m so happy your fall was not worse and that Squishy is doing so well!! Love to you both!! 🙂

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  2. Oh friend! I’m so sorry for your loss, but so thankful that you got to be there with you. Even if she couldn’t talk, I was told after Kai passed away that the last thing that humans lose is their hearing. So she sure heard you!

    I can not believe you fell – and that bruise! Oi vee!!! I’m so sorry friend! I’m so glad that you have the doppler and even though your appt wasn’t stellar just glad little squishy is doing great!

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    • I know, the falling seems comical now that it’s over. Leave it to Mrs. Clumsy. Haha. That’s cool to know about hearing being one of the last things they hear! I didn’t know, but that’s probably a huge comfort to sooo many!! XO

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  3. I am sorry for the loss your family endured. I hope you change your mind about the blog world ax I love hearing what’s going on in your life. I must say that my Doppler has come in pretty handy as well…..especially after fainting on Monday. I’m also sorry/in the same boat about your ob appointments not going how you imagined them to be.

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    • Thanks, hun! I wouldn’t leave forever, it would be more like a tiny break. But I won’t make my decision lightly, and so far I haven’t decided. 🙂 I Love having the Doppler, it’s fun and exciting and handy all at the same time! XOXO

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like she was a wonderful woman. I totally understand taking a break from blog/social media stuff, it was a huge help for me. I am so glad to hear your lil baby is still doing well, that is amazing news 🙂

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  5. Oh sugars! I had no idea you were going through all of this! You totally should have sent me a text or something :/ Anyway…I am so thankful you are okay after your fall and that squishy is doing good. I’m always thinking and praying for you! Love you lots! xo

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  6. I’m sorry for your loss – she sounds absolutely wonderful.

    You probably don’t want to hear this, but your OB appt sounds pretty standard. I think that every 4 weeks when I go in, is this really necessary? The nurse does my weight/bp/temp/heart rate. Doctor comes in, asks how I’m feeling, any questions, etc. Listens on the doppler, measures with a tape measure, and I leave. I spend waaay more time in the waiting room and waiting for the dr to come than I spend with both nurse and doctor combined! And now I have to start going every 2 weeks! I only had a 7 week ultrasound for viability confirmation/dating, and a 20 week anatomy scan. I won’t have any more unless there are complications. It definitely doesn’t keep me from worrying pretty much every moment of every day. Hang in there – you look amazing!

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    • Thanks, Lilee! I am very thankful I am having pretty normal/standard appointments. It was just a shock going from weekly monitoring to BAM just every 4 weeks. And having some expectations going into it (like bringing my husband because we were told it was going to be an ultrasound day)… Thanks for the encouragement. Now that I know what to expect I think I’m golden 😉 Plus I have TWO ultrasounds over the next two months, yippy!! XOXXO

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