Grief and Joy can co-exist

This song hasn’t been a stranger on this blog before. I know I’ve referenced more than a few times. But to me, its worth noting again. March 27th… I should be preparing for a 1st birthday party. Instead I’m full of a mixture of feelings that most people don’t understand. So I don’t talk about them. There is a deep-rooted physical, emotion, spiritual wound that suffocates me twice a year with each loss. Not many people understand that even though I am having a perfectly normal, amazing, wonderful pregnancy today… I still feel pain for the others I have lost. And I don’t just feel it… It’s much deeper than just a “feeling”.

“Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm”

What’s amazing to me is the difference between last year and this year. But, also the similarities. Last year I was celebrating a beating heart and a lot of hope. It was just a short month later that things went south, and fast. This year doesn’t look too much different. We still have a heart beat, we had a seemingly wonderful anatomy scan (still waiting for the Dr. to call me about results). I still have hope and my heart is still joyful of the work the Lord has done over time. But this year my heart is quite heavy. I’m not as “happy”. Today is harder than it was last year.

“Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn”

To someone who’s never experienced this before they may not understand. It may seem silly to be weighted down with grief for a day or two. So, I don’t talk about it much. When I do, it usually comes out a little snippy. I’ve never once expected friends or family to remember such things, but then I feel a lot of feelers that it seems like this little life only made an impact in mine. Which I know isn’t true.

As my friend said today, “It’s a complicated mess…. It makes me wonder if this is our body’s way of protecting us.. like if we felt all the grief at once, we’d collapse? So now that we have joy to balance it, we can “afford” to feel the rest of the broken.”

I couldn’t have agreed more. Grief is complicated, it has no timeline, and it certainly has no limitations. It comes when it wants and lingers as long as it pleases. BUT, it’s how we respond to it that keeps us moving forward. It’s ok to not be ok, just don’t be taken captive.

“In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust You

I totally don’t mean to be a debby downer, so let’s get to the FUN part… Little Dude and his amazingness…

Next appointment: End of April (25ish weeks)
Weight Gain/Loss: Too much to me, but most say don’t worry (+14). As you read in my last post this is something that I, unexpectedly, am struggling with. And when I say struggle, I mean like really really struggle. I didn’t think this would happen. In fact before pregnancy I even was joyous over the idea…. But now that I am living it out.. It’s hard. So, from now on – I will not be including this. I’ve asked to not know my weight gain unless it is completely vital to my health or the health of little Mr. I had a surprise “day of” visit with my doc on Monday (hello contractions, a cervical check, and finding out that my bladder has “fallen out of place”, almost like a prolapse) and she suggested I watch my carb intake and limit my portions. Blah… So I don’t want to know anymore.
Exercise: *same* I’m not totally lazy, I promise…. Ok, well I’m just sucking at the whole exercise consistently thing…. whomp, whomp…
Maternity clothes: I think I am finally needing new tops. I usually wear fitted shirts, I’ve never owned a ton of the flowy/vintage like tops, but I think that will be my new style come summer. But I need to keep my work dress code in mind. I don’t mind showing off the bump, but I don’t need my shirts rolling up on me anymore! Ha! 
Sleep: I’m on a winning streak!!! YAY, well except for last night.
Food cravings:  RED ROBIN BONZAI BURGER!!!!!! Still. I’m ashamed. But I’m also craving Thai food something fierce. I get teased often for my lack of love for spicy food even though I am Mexican. Haha, but lately I want jalapeno’s, and Thai food, and curry, and hot sauce, and spicy salsa. I’m really enjoying my new-found love for spicy. I hope it stays.
Symptoms: I’m full. Always. I’m tired, often… Achy back, achy ribs. But otherwise, things are great!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Little dude is about 10.5 inches long and should weigh about 3/4 of a pound. As soon as I get my anatomy scan results I’m sure I’ll get some exact measurements. He’s working on building up his first poo, exciting….. haha. He’s a busy body all.day.long. and all.night.long. He’s working on peeing ever 30-45 minutes, and he’s busy gaining fat to plump up!
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Movement:   It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Once I knew for certain that was him wiggling around I’ve felt him non-stop since. It’s been amazing. Except I’m not sure how people manage to sleep through movement? How is it even possible?
What I miss:  I miss being able to bend over and tie my shoes without feeling like my lunch/breakfast/dinner will come back up. I miss being able to eat a full meal. I miss my energy.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I love that my belly is getting more and more round. I’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me.
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What I’m looking forward to:  I’m SOO looking forward to painting/decorating Little Mr’s room. Looking forward to announcing a name. Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. OH, and my appointment with our Doula!
Baby Purchases:  I just found out via text that my hubs purchased him some Carolina Panthers onesies. I’m excited!!! Baby Gates are next!
Best moment this week: The anatomy scan. Little dude was twirling, kicking, punching, and wiggle worming his way around my whole tummy. It was comical. I had to get up a few times to get him to move a certain way. It was entertaining to say the least.
Hello 21 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and yet again, thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far!
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11 thoughts on “Grief and Joy can co-exist

  1. I think for those who have lost, there will always be mixed feelings as life continues on. I think its great that you are taking the time to reflect on your loss, and what is happening now.
    Also, I’m glad to hear that the scan went well. Lots of love to you my friend.

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  2. I understand those feelings… pregnancy after loss is so complicated. You are so grateful, but so scared and the past never completely fades. Praying for you and your little one for a safe, healthy, and happy arrival 🙂

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