Celebrating Life – 4.25.14 and we’re Marching

April 23rd, 24th, and the 25th (being the most important, at least to me) are not fun days in the head of Morgan. It’s been an incredibly challenging week for me personally, even with the beauty and wonder and amazement of Crosby thriving!

In memory of our sweet boy, that we officially said goodbye to on April 25th, 2014, my husband and some of our friends and family will be walking in the March of Dimes, March for Babies. I’ve mentioned it on here a lot lately. It’s not too late to donate! If you feel compelled to donate in his name, or even in the names of your lost littles, or even your living littles, I encourage you to do so. We are all March of Dimes babies, whether we knew it or not. I’ve just been very blessed and lucky to have been positively impacted by the March of Dimes and I couldn’t be more blessed with the people I will be walking with. I think I may even be sporting a blue balloon in memory of… But, we’ll see. Blue kind of clashes with purple 🙂

So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks

Next appointment: Mid May – 28 weeks – this will include some glucose I hear… Yuck. My appointment this week went fantastic. Little dude is perfect, and huge. At 24+5 I was measuring at just past 26 weeks. HR was a perfect 156. I basically got a perfect report card as we talked a little about what’s next and how I’m feeling. I did cheat and peek at my weight gain… Let’s just say I think maybe this time I’ve learned my final lesson. God created me to carry this babe, that’s all that matters. My hubs still thinks I’m hot, so win for me!
Exercise: *Same*…. Still walking the pup most days after work, weather permitting. I am still participating in my once a week yoga at work.
Maternity clothes: *Same* Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  I’m actually having more successful sleepy nights than I am sleepless nights. I’m on a winning streak – I like it!
IMG_8645
Food cravings:  *Same* Well, as I assumed my cravings didn’t last too long. I still prefer spicy, and I still love me some Thai.. But my desire for a Bonzai isn’t as strong. It was fun while it lasted. I’m pretty proud I only gave in to my desire once, well for the burger that is! Actually – I just want all the foods, but I’m realizing I can’t eat as much!
IMG_8454
Symptoms: *Same*… I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment). I had an hour long massage on Wednesday, she basically rubbed my ribs until I was snoring. It was amazing. I can’t wait to go back in one short month!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby’s hair is thickening, just like yours, and probably has a hair color by now, though you cannot see it. His nostrils are starting to open and the air sacs in his lungs continue to develop, priming to breathe air in a just a couple short months. Because he is producing surfactant, there is an increased likelihood of surviving a preterm birth at this point. Crosby’s loving his new sense of balance, as he can now tell which way is up and which way is down, and is using this talent to rotate himself towards the position he will be in during birth, head down and feet up. Crosby is now about fourteen inches tall, the size of a cabbage, and weighs close to two pounds. But, my guess is he is 2lbs already…..because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement: It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude is finally taking up so much room that he is on the left and right side. I’m noticing a lot more alien like movement… It’s entertaining. I watch it constantly. LOVE IT!
What I miss:  Meh. Nothing. I don’t think…. Colton, I miss him, a lot today. Maybe I miss being able to hop outta bed easily, and but easily I mean not laying there contemplating if things are worth getting up for. And I mean that in a – I’m flippin’ tired way…. Thus making me chronically late…..
IMG_8626
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Definitely loving my hair. I’m loving the bump and my belly button causes a great deal of humor, and on some occasions my wardrobe causes some humor too, but most days I would say that’s more of a war-zone. I’m loving how amazing of a job my hubs did painting Little C’s room this weekend – insert googly-heart-eyed emoji! I’m loving being on the other side of viability! The changing table we were gifted is pretty rad too!! We have been so blessed! And that statement doesn’t even come close to how thankful we are!
What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to decorating Little Mr’s room, which I’m happy to take ‘painting’ off that list and just decorate now! I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. I’m also looking forward to….Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
I’m looking forward to bending over without spreading my legs or squatting to get to the floor. This, this is why…
IMG_8609
Baby Purchases:  Notta thing – again…. We have finished our registries completely- I will say  I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity. I get somewhat embarrassed when people ask where we are registered at because – gosh, they shouldn’t be buying us stuff! But, in a way I also understand the desire to buy tiny things. I can’t resist buying for friends and family too. I’m on the hunt for a swimsuit – our pool is getting opened up soon and this girl is going to basically live in it.
Best moment this week: Watching dude kick the midwife during my appointment. Raising funds for the March of Dimes. Finishing Crosby’s room. Also, buying the hubs concert tickets for our date day Saturday! Reaching 25 weeks. WHOA.
Hello 25 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.

IMG_8651

Faith in the Face of Fear

Well I’m tardy on last week’s update. I won’t forget, I promise. But today, I sit here contemplating and preparing for my 24 (technically I’ll be 24+5) week appointment tomorrow. Leading up to this appointment I have remained confident and full of hope and joy. But as I lingered longer about what my week looks like and what needs to be done and the things I need to plan ahead for I have come overwhelmed with fear. It caught me by surprise. For a while I really felt paralyzed. In fact, even as I type this my heart is pounding and I feel like all I can hear is the thump, thump, thump in my ears.

Why am I so scared? I have nothing to fear. I haven’t really walked into an appointment with fear, in quite some time. I thought just maybe I was over that.

My heart gently reminded me: Colton.

This same week, one year ago, I received news that knocked the wind, faith, hope, joy right out of me. Who was I kidding, thinking I could waltz into the same office, with the same faces, with the smells, and the same everything and feel 100% confidence? I thought I could…. Really, truly, this never really came to mind. I’ve been in a state of bliss and confidence. My faith in my body and my faith in just about everything seems…. back to normal.

But today, I don’t feel faith. I feel fear. I feel silly, really. My brain has immediately forgotten all the joyous moments, just this morning… the kicks, the wiggles, the life that I could feel inside my tummy. Crosby must be sleeping this afternoon, so clearly my brain has abandoned all rational and gone to worst-case-scenario. And I’m left alone in my head cleaning up and dodging bullets to save my sanity. I’m sitting here blinking back tears of fear. This isn’t me. I haven’t felt this in a while. This almost feels new, but also so incredibly familiar.

So while I battle the flesh and try to keep marching forward I have a choice to make. It’s not a simple one. The me I know, would prefer to crumble because it’s seemingly “easier”. But no – I have a choice to choose Faith. I choose to have faith that I can walk into this appointment alone (the first one I’ve been to alone since this pregnancy started, and the first time I’ve been alone to any appointment since Colton passed). I choose to have faith that our baby is alive and thriving. I choose to have faith that no matter the outcome of any pregnancy my God is a God who is in control and is always working for my good and His glory.

So, as I gather my questions for my midwife, I’ll also be gathering my tears and my fears and standing up nice and tall. I’ve survived. I am more than capable of facing the fears and finding faith. Is it easy? Not even a little. But it’s worth it.

I’ll let my cereal bowl tell you how I really feel……

IMG_7441

By the way, this really happened. Even ask Connor. I couldn’t have staged this or planned it any better. Maybe it was just reflecting the real sadness…. The last bite.

March of Dimes Update:

Goal – $1000.00

Total Raised – $510 – only 5 more sleeps until I get to celebrate my boy Colton, and walk for the March of Dimes!

So, if you feel compelled, please, please, please donate. This goes to a wonderful cause. I have a HUGE goal. I’d love to meet this goal. It’s a big one. But, the cause is so worth it. Plus, it’s one that I am super passionate about. It’s important to me that all mothers and babies get a healthy start to pregnancy and life. I’m always going to advocate for full term babies!
So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks
MODCupcakes

These yummy treats were part of our Baking for Babies Fundraiser (held at my place of work). Donated by the amazing Tiffany from a Dash of Love. Yes, I ate one (or 3) and it was the best.ever.

Next appointment: Tomorrow.
Exercise: Still walking the pup most days after work, weather permitting. I am still participating in my once a week yoga at work.
Maternity clothes: *Same* Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  I recently bought a diffuser for my essential oils, and I have been using it – I’m convinced it’s brought me some MUCH needed sleep lately. I am savoring the deep sleep, that is for sure!
Food cravings:  Well, as I assumed my cravings didn’t last too long. I still prefer spicy, and I still love me some Thai.. But my desire for a Bonzai isn’t as strong. It was fun while it lasted. I’m pretty proud I only gave in to my desire once, well for the burger that is!
Symptoms: I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment). Back pain. However, a gentleman approached me yesterday at church and asked to pray for me. He instinctually knew and deliberately prayed for back pain. I’m believing that it’s gonna be gone, any minute now!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby’s lungs are developing significantly now as practices breathing by inhaling amniotic fluid, and is making cells that will produce surfactant, a material that will help his lungs expand and operate once he reaches the air. Crosby has also gained about a quarter of a pound last week in bones, muscle, and fat, so he is finally beginning to fill out into a real person. And even though his eyebrows, lashes, and hair are coming in, it still lacks pigment and appears white. skin is beginning to glow a bit pinker, due to the appearance of capillaries. His ears and fingernails are also complete by now. By the end of this week, he is probably about 13 inches long, the size of an eggplant, and he weighs probably more than average (average is 1.5lbs), because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement: It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude prefers the right side of his apartment, very rarely does he venture to the left.
What I miss:  Wine. Yup finally, the desire for wine has reached me. This is TOTALLY way too much info – But I really miss a good solid pee. Like the kind where you leave the restroom pretty darn satisfied. I can’t really think of much else though.
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Definitely loving my hair. I’m loving the bump and my belly button causes a great deal of humor, and on some occasions my wardrobe causes some humor too, but most days I would say that’s more of a war-zone. I’m loving how amazing of a job my hubs did painting Little C’s room this weekend – insert googly-heart-eyed emoji! I’m loving being on the other side of viability!
IMG_7567

Don’t worry, the pup isn’t dead, he was just being a good helper! HA!

What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to decorating Little Mr’s room, which I’m happy to take ‘painting’ off that list and just decorate now! I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. I’m also looking forward to….Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
Baby Purchases:  Notta thing bought this last week. We have finished our registries completely- I will say  I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity. I get somewhat embarrassed when people ask where we are registered at because – gosh, they shouldn’t be buying us stuff! But, in a way I also understand the desire to buy tiny things. I can’t resist buying for friends and family too. I’m on the hunt for a swimsuit – our pool is getting opened up soon and this girl is going to basically live in it.
Best moment this week:  Painting. Spending some serious 1-on-1 time with the Hubs. Sleeping, a lot. Laying in bed until 8am on Saturday AM and letting the hubs enjoy the rambunctious activity of Little C in the mornings!
IMG_7554
Hello 24 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.
IMG_7469

Yup, representing the March of Dimes!! 🙂

Marching, Doula’s, and a name for Squishy

IMG_8348
I will start with this. Story of my life. I usually end up finding a few in random closets. My cat, Syd, loves these things. So I have many a causality per week.
Next, I’m going to toot my own horn for a minute…. March of Dimes…. Can I just say – WOW!
My original goal was $250 to raise. I met that. So, I set a new goal – $500. I’ve met that. With people’s generous donations my total fundraising stands at $510. So, like I have before.. I set a new goal. This one is lofty. This one is a stretch. But I KNOW that if there are more generous people out there I can meet this goal. Dollar by dollar.
New Goal – $1000.00
So, if you feel compelled, please, please, please donate. This goes to a wonderful cause. I have a HUGE goal. I’d love to meet this goal. It’s a big one. But, the cause is so worth it. Plus, it’s one that I am super passionate about. It’s important to me that all mothers and babies get a healthy start to pregnancy and life. I’m always going to advocate for full term babies!
So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks
This week is boring, basically because not much has changed, really. So, feel free to skip it. I just feel like I should write down what 23 weeks looks like so that someday I can look back and not ask, what happened to week 23….
Next appointment: End of April (25ish weeks) – However I will add that my first Doula appointment was on Tuesday. I’m stoked. We nailed down a decent birth plan. One for her and one to give to the hospital staff. I probably sound a little nuts, but I am soo excited to be attempting a natural, un-medicated birth. I’m excited to experience what my body is capable of. I’m really excited to feel and watch my body do something that I have always assumed it didn’t know how to do (I’m learning to trust!! GASP). I’m really excited to nurse. I’m mostly excited that I have a really great support system in place to help me achieve all this. Also, she suggested I read a few books, this is my first, so far I love it!
IMG_8396
Ps. If you are in the Spokane area, I highly recommend her. Sarah is quite possibly the sweetest and she LOVES what she does.
Exercise: Still walking the pup most days after work. Still participating in my once a week yoga at work. Someday when we finally replace our DVD player (which is currently broken) I will pop in the yoga DVD I ordered forever ago.
Maternity clothes: Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But, most days I lose.
Food cravings:  I will say my craving for Thai food has exceeded the desire for a Bonzai Burger. Although both always sound good.
Symptoms: I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment)
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Little C is still transparent, and a bit red because of the developing veins and arteries under skin, but this won’t last long, as Little C is about to pack on the fatty chub that gives skin a more person-like look. Little C’s face is fully formed, and is simply waiting on the fat to fill out. Little C is starting to kick like crazy, usually in response to noises hears from the outside world. Little C is also busy constructing the blood vessels in his lungs that will allow him to breathe the air on his own once he is born. Little C is a bit over a foot tall, the size of a bunch of grapes, and he weighs probably more than average, because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement:  It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude has found my cervix, bladder, and also my ribs as practice for his soccer skills.
What I miss:  I miss a lot, but mostly my memory. I miss being able to control my emotions a little better. Seriously. It’s like a flame that moves to a forest fire in a matter of seconds sometimes, and then before I can even realize what’s happening I’m in a pile of tears that snowball into sobs. It’s the weirdest thing ever. I do not like it.
What I’m loving:  Unrelated: New Furniture. LOVE IT. I feel like I have a grown up living-room! Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Loving my craving for Thai. I’m loving his name……….
Crosby Dixon Brooks
What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to painting/decorating Little Mr’s room, which I say every week. But we bought paint last weekend. Now we just need to move a few things around to make room to paint. I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. VIABILITY (1 more week)!!!!!!!! Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
Baby Purchases:  Notta thing bought this last week (well, except paint – does that count? Oh, and Momma got some new clothes…. Sorry bubs, momma took the prize this week). I just have been working on a list of things we need still and things to register for. I feel weird about registries, I feel weird about letting people buy us gifts. We paid to get here, we knew the expenses of a babe were coming…. But I will have an open mind and allow blessings to come, if they come. I never expect gifts, though. Ever. I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity.
Best moment this week:  On Easter, we started telling people his name, that was pretty awesome. This is completely unrelated, but it’s my besties birthday! This last weekend her and I had a girls date and got appetizers and pedicures. It was amazing! I have sooo much love for her, she doesn’t even know how much of a blessing she is.
Happy Birthday Sweet friend!!
Hello 23 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.
IMG_8411

Far From Focused

IMG_8275

This. This is what sums me up, lately. I’ve got a case of the lazies, the unmotivated, the “I think I may be either really tired, or I just don’t care about very many things anymore”. Yikes, how depressing does that sound? Well, I promise it sounds worse than it is. I think my brain has filled itself up with other thoughts other than what I should be focused on (ex: work, the never-ending to-do list).

I wish so bad there was a way to express what has filled my brain but I just don’t know that it’s possible. I’d probably hurt some feelings and admit some things that maybe should be kept to myself, at least for now….. So just trust me when I say that I’m far from focused. I’m the epitome of Distracted.

I happened to survive last week’s anniversary date of our first loss. And by survive I mean I chose to completely ignore that it even came and went. I think I’ve come to realize that I’m so tired of sad dates/memories that if I just ignore it while it’s happening then I will find myself on the other side… Healthy? Maybe not. But it worked. I didn’t release balloons, I didn’t remind my hubs why I was seemingly short-tempered, and I used that day to allow myself to binge eat some pizza and bread sticks with an extra side of salad and soda (which, ask anyone, I never drink soda. ever.)

So today, I’ve allowed myself a “I’m a basket case” day. It’s amazing to me the holidays (Easter is one I’m not quite fond of anymore) and events around us that seem like every day life that trigger me (or anyone with RPL – Repeat pregnancy loss) to episodes of crying and down-right depressive like moods. I so wish I could go back in time and erase what’s happened so that I don’t have a blanket of sorrow over my heart anymore. But, I’m learning – haha, ok I’m still working on getting to the point of learning – to embrace this me I don’t recognize sometimes.

All this to say is my song this week, although sung by a Christian band, is quite real.

What do you think about when you look at me
I know we’re not the fairy tale you dreamed we’d be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

It’s going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we won’t give up the fight

It’s going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

IMG_8295

My lovely view as I went to grab my purse and pop into work the other morning… Clearly little Dude was favoring one side of his apartment over the other. I couldn’t help but snap a pic and giggle. My belly remained lopsided for the majority of the day.

Next appointment: End of April (25ish weeks)
Exercise: I’m excited to announce I’ve had an improvement in this area. I’ve been walking the pup every night for 25-30 mins after work and am still doing my once a week yoga. I’ve also added in some light AB work and leg work with my dearly loved exercise ball on occasion (2x a week-ish). I am proud. I was sore a little at first, but I feel good about this improvement.
11055541_701069346668524_1840676372_n
Maternity clothes: I hear TJMax and Old Navy calling my name this weekend. Maybe even Target if I’m lucky.
Sleep: Yeah, this subject tends to be an up and down kinda battle. But the best hour or two of sleep is after I get up around 2-3am to use the lady’s room and crawl back into bed before the hubs alarm goes off. Then I keep snoozing until about 6am. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.
Food cravings:  Sadly the same…… RED ROBIN BONZAI BURGER!!!!!! Still. I’m ashamed. But I’m also craving Thai food something fierce. I’ve only caved and had each craving once. But, I have a Red Robin date with some girlfriends mid April…. I may indulge once more.
Symptoms: I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose.
Baby’s Size/Milestones: When he is not sleeping (which at this point is 12-14 hours a day), he is trying to touch anything he can. Whether it’s face, body, or umbilical cord, he is working on physical abilities and motor skills by practicing movement, and getting a feel for things. His inner ear is also developed to the point where has sense of balance, and pancreas is already busy creating its own hormones, which helps alleviate your hormonal burden(HA). He is now about a foot tall, and weighs just over 1 pound. His eyes are still developing, as still lacks pigment in iris, and therefore an eye color. I am happy to announce that I got the call from my Dr on Monday that everything looked great from my official Anatomy Scan. Little dude weighed a full pound at 21 weeks.
Movement:  It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude had found my cervix, bladder, and also my ribs as practice for his soccer skills.
What I miss:  I miss a lot, but mostly my memory.
IMG_8174
Mostly due to the fact that I have no idea where I have set the other 5996 others….
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Loving my craving for Thai. I’m loving how my Hubs is getting more and more excited.
What I’m looking forward to:  *same* I’m SOO looking forward to painting/decorating Little Mr’s room. Looking forward to announcing a name. Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. OH, and my appointment with our Doula (Tuesday!)! VIABILITY (2 more weeks)!!!!!!!!
Baby Purchases:  A baby sling carrier thing and a car seat canopy. My coworker gave me some coupons and I just had to use them up!
Best moment this week: The phone call about the results of my anatomy scan. Referring to little dude as Fatty McFatty since he’s being an overachiever and packing on the lbs! Having someone reach out to me about Maternity pics, THAT was an amazing blessing that really only could have been orchestrated by the Lord.
IMG_8298
I also love my 530pm chats with my mom almost everyday on my way home from work. The more we talk, the more I realize how much all of us girls are so much alike.
Hello 22 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and yet again, thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far!
IMG_8314