Far From Focused

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This. This is what sums me up, lately. I’ve got a case of the lazies, the unmotivated, the “I think I may be either really tired, or I just don’t care about very many things anymore”. Yikes, how depressing does that sound? Well, I promise it sounds worse than it is. I think my brain has filled itself up with other thoughts other than what I should be focused on (ex: work, the never-ending to-do list).

I wish so bad there was a way to express what has filled my brain but I just don’t know that it’s possible. I’d probably hurt some feelings and admit some things that maybe should be kept to myself, at least for now….. So just trust me when I say that I’m far from focused. I’m the epitome of Distracted.

I happened to survive last week’s anniversary date of our first loss. And by survive I mean I chose to completely ignore that it even came and went. I think I’ve come to realize that I’m so tired of sad dates/memories that if I just ignore it while it’s happening then I will find myself on the other side… Healthy? Maybe not. But it worked. I didn’t release balloons, I didn’t remind my hubs why I was seemingly short-tempered, and I used that day to allow myself to binge eat some pizza and bread sticks with an extra side of salad and soda (which, ask anyone, I never drink soda. ever.)

So today, I’ve allowed myself a “I’m a basket case” day. It’s amazing to me the holidays (Easter is one I’m not quite fond of anymore) and events around us that seem like every day life that trigger me (or anyone with RPL – Repeat pregnancy loss) to episodes of crying and down-right depressive like moods. I so wish I could go back in time and erase what’s happened so that I don’t have a blanket of sorrow over my heart anymore. But, I’m learning – haha, ok I’m still working on getting to the point of learning – to embrace this me I don’t recognize sometimes.

All this to say is my song this week, although sung by a Christian band, is quite real.

What do you think about when you look at me
I know we’re not the fairy tale you dreamed we’d be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

It’s going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we won’t give up the fight

It’s going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

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My lovely view as I went to grab my purse and pop into work the other morning… Clearly little Dude was favoring one side of his apartment over the other. I couldn’t help but snap a pic and giggle. My belly remained lopsided for the majority of the day.

Next appointment: End of April (25ish weeks)
Exercise: I’m excited to announce I’ve had an improvement in this area. I’ve been walking the pup every night for 25-30 mins after work and am still doing my once a week yoga. I’ve also added in some light AB work and leg work with my dearly loved exercise ball on occasion (2x a week-ish). I am proud. I was sore a little at first, but I feel good about this improvement.
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Maternity clothes: I hear TJMax and Old Navy calling my name this weekend. Maybe even Target if I’m lucky.
Sleep: Yeah, this subject tends to be an up and down kinda battle. But the best hour or two of sleep is after I get up around 2-3am to use the lady’s room and crawl back into bed before the hubs alarm goes off. Then I keep snoozing until about 6am. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.
Food cravings:  Sadly the same…… RED ROBIN BONZAI BURGER!!!!!! Still. I’m ashamed. But I’m also craving Thai food something fierce. I’ve only caved and had each craving once. But, I have a Red Robin date with some girlfriends mid April…. I may indulge once more.
Symptoms: I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose.
Baby’s Size/Milestones: When he is not sleeping (which at this point is 12-14 hours a day), he is trying to touch anything he can. Whether it’s face, body, or umbilical cord, he is working on physical abilities and motor skills by practicing movement, and getting a feel for things. His inner ear is also developed to the point where has sense of balance, and pancreas is already busy creating its own hormones, which helps alleviate your hormonal burden(HA). He is now about a foot tall, and weighs just over 1 pound. His eyes are still developing, as still lacks pigment in iris, and therefore an eye color. I am happy to announce that I got the call from my Dr on Monday that everything looked great from my official Anatomy Scan. Little dude weighed a full pound at 21 weeks.
Movement:  It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude had found my cervix, bladder, and also my ribs as practice for his soccer skills.
What I miss:  I miss a lot, but mostly my memory.
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Mostly due to the fact that I have no idea where I have set the other 5996 others….
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Loving my craving for Thai. I’m loving how my Hubs is getting more and more excited.
What I’m looking forward to:  *same* I’m SOO looking forward to painting/decorating Little Mr’s room. Looking forward to announcing a name. Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. OH, and my appointment with our Doula (Tuesday!)! VIABILITY (2 more weeks)!!!!!!!!
Baby Purchases:  A baby sling carrier thing and a car seat canopy. My coworker gave me some coupons and I just had to use them up!
Best moment this week: The phone call about the results of my anatomy scan. Referring to little dude as Fatty McFatty since he’s being an overachiever and packing on the lbs! Having someone reach out to me about Maternity pics, THAT was an amazing blessing that really only could have been orchestrated by the Lord.
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I also love my 530pm chats with my mom almost everyday on my way home from work. The more we talk, the more I realize how much all of us girls are so much alike.
Hello 22 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and yet again, thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far!
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4 thoughts on “Far From Focused

  1. As always, you are looking great!! I think your approach to the anniversary is a good one as it clearly worked for you and that’s all that matters. Sending you love and hoping to hear more happy updates from you in the coming weeks. 🙂

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  2. Looking good! My belly has been lopsided for weeks. Baby stuck its butt out on my left side and its been stuck there permanently. I’m not sure it’s noticeable from the front, but when I look down there’s definitely a big solid lump sticking out on one side.

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