Faith in the Face of Fear

Well I’m tardy on last week’s update. I won’t forget, I promise. But today, I sit here contemplating and preparing for my 24 (technically I’ll be 24+5) week appointment tomorrow. Leading up to this appointment I have remained confident and full of hope and joy. But as I lingered longer about what my week looks like and what needs to be done and the things I need to plan ahead for I have come overwhelmed with fear. It caught me by surprise. For a while I really felt paralyzed. In fact, even as I type this my heart is pounding and I feel like all I can hear is the thump, thump, thump in my ears.

Why am I so scared? I have nothing to fear. I haven’t really walked into an appointment with fear, in quite some time. I thought just maybe I was over that.

My heart gently reminded me: Colton.

This same week, one year ago, I received news that knocked the wind, faith, hope, joy right out of me. Who was I kidding, thinking I could waltz into the same office, with the same faces, with the smells, and the same everything and feel 100% confidence? I thought I could…. Really, truly, this never really came to mind. I’ve been in a state of bliss and confidence. My faith in my body and my faith in just about everything seems…. back to normal.

But today, I don’t feel faith. I feel fear. I feel silly, really. My brain has immediately forgotten all the joyous moments, just this morning… the kicks, the wiggles, the life that I could feel inside my tummy. Crosby must be sleeping this afternoon, so clearly my brain has abandoned all rational and gone to worst-case-scenario. And I’m left alone in my head cleaning up and dodging bullets to save my sanity. I’m sitting here blinking back tears of fear. This isn’t me. I haven’t felt this in a while. This almost feels new, but also so incredibly familiar.

So while I battle the flesh and try to keep marching forward I have a choice to make. It’s not a simple one. The me I know, would prefer to crumble because it’s seemingly “easier”. But no – I have a choice to choose Faith. I choose to have faith that I can walk into this appointment alone (the first one I’ve been to alone since this pregnancy started, and the first time I’ve been alone to any appointment since Colton passed). I choose to have faith that our baby is alive and thriving. I choose to have faith that no matter the outcome of any pregnancy my God is a God who is in control and is always working for my good and His glory.

So, as I gather my questions for my midwife, I’ll also be gathering my tears and my fears and standing up nice and tall. I’ve survived. I am more than capable of facing the fears and finding faith. Is it easy? Not even a little. But it’s worth it.

I’ll let my cereal bowl tell you how I really feel……

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By the way, this really happened. Even ask Connor. I couldn’t have staged this or planned it any better. Maybe it was just reflecting the real sadness…. The last bite.

March of Dimes Update:

Goal – $1000.00

Total Raised – $510 – only 5 more sleeps until I get to celebrate my boy Colton, and walk for the March of Dimes!

So, if you feel compelled, please, please, please donate. This goes to a wonderful cause. I have a HUGE goal. I’d love to meet this goal. It’s a big one. But, the cause is so worth it. Plus, it’s one that I am super passionate about. It’s important to me that all mothers and babies get a healthy start to pregnancy and life. I’m always going to advocate for full term babies!
So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks
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These yummy treats were part of our Baking for Babies Fundraiser (held at my place of work). Donated by the amazing Tiffany from a Dash of Love. Yes, I ate one (or 3) and it was the best.ever.

Next appointment: Tomorrow.
Exercise: Still walking the pup most days after work, weather permitting. I am still participating in my once a week yoga at work.
Maternity clothes: *Same* Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  I recently bought a diffuser for my essential oils, and I have been using it – I’m convinced it’s brought me some MUCH needed sleep lately. I am savoring the deep sleep, that is for sure!
Food cravings:  Well, as I assumed my cravings didn’t last too long. I still prefer spicy, and I still love me some Thai.. But my desire for a Bonzai isn’t as strong. It was fun while it lasted. I’m pretty proud I only gave in to my desire once, well for the burger that is!
Symptoms: I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment). Back pain. However, a gentleman approached me yesterday at church and asked to pray for me. He instinctually knew and deliberately prayed for back pain. I’m believing that it’s gonna be gone, any minute now!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby’s lungs are developing significantly now as practices breathing by inhaling amniotic fluid, and is making cells that will produce surfactant, a material that will help his lungs expand and operate once he reaches the air. Crosby has also gained about a quarter of a pound last week in bones, muscle, and fat, so he is finally beginning to fill out into a real person. And even though his eyebrows, lashes, and hair are coming in, it still lacks pigment and appears white. skin is beginning to glow a bit pinker, due to the appearance of capillaries. His ears and fingernails are also complete by now. By the end of this week, he is probably about 13 inches long, the size of an eggplant, and he weighs probably more than average (average is 1.5lbs), because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement: It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude prefers the right side of his apartment, very rarely does he venture to the left.
What I miss:  Wine. Yup finally, the desire for wine has reached me. This is TOTALLY way too much info – But I really miss a good solid pee. Like the kind where you leave the restroom pretty darn satisfied. I can’t really think of much else though.
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Definitely loving my hair. I’m loving the bump and my belly button causes a great deal of humor, and on some occasions my wardrobe causes some humor too, but most days I would say that’s more of a war-zone. I’m loving how amazing of a job my hubs did painting Little C’s room this weekend – insert googly-heart-eyed emoji! I’m loving being on the other side of viability!
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Don’t worry, the pup isn’t dead, he was just being a good helper! HA!

What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to decorating Little Mr’s room, which I’m happy to take ‘painting’ off that list and just decorate now! I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. I’m also looking forward to….Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
Baby Purchases:  Notta thing bought this last week. We have finished our registries completely- I will say  I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity. I get somewhat embarrassed when people ask where we are registered at because – gosh, they shouldn’t be buying us stuff! But, in a way I also understand the desire to buy tiny things. I can’t resist buying for friends and family too. I’m on the hunt for a swimsuit – our pool is getting opened up soon and this girl is going to basically live in it.
Best moment this week:  Painting. Spending some serious 1-on-1 time with the Hubs. Sleeping, a lot. Laying in bed until 8am on Saturday AM and letting the hubs enjoy the rambunctious activity of Little C in the mornings!
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Hello 24 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.
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Yup, representing the March of Dimes!! 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Faith in the Face of Fear

  1. You look fantastic and I can’t believe already 25weeks along!!! Even though I am only 10-11 weeks along I totally can relate to the pee thing…ugh 😦

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