The big 3 – 0!

This journey I’ve been on to get to hold a title of mommy has been one of loss and sorrow and heartache, it has been quite the whirlwind. It’s been filled to the top with tears and so many highs and a lot of low low’s. There were so many moments I wasn’t sure I’d ever see the other side. The emptiness I felt seemed so permanent.

I recently purchased a new album, one that I’ve had my eyes on for quite some time. I just hadn’t actually bought it. But, I did. And I am so glad I did. Lindsey Stirling is quite possibly the most talented violinist I’ve ever listened to. But, then again, I haven’t listened to very many. Her album Shatter Me is excellent. I’ve been playing the whole thing constantly and just getting lost in the direction of each song. It’s awesome.

One particular song, see above video, took the wind right out of me this morning on my way into work. Although there are no words I felt like it adequately plays out what the last (almost) 3 years of my life have been like. All I could visualize was a broken bird who fought and fought to survive and then found itself thriving and in closing has found peace and contentment. I might sound crazy, or interpreting things all wrong, but it just…felt right. The whole time I kept thinking about me, and my husband, and the crazy things we’ve lived to tell about, of all the things we’ve thrived and flown our way though. How we’ve navigated and came to a place of peace and rest and contentment.

Anyway, if you’re into orchestra/rock/techno/awesomeness I would highly suggest rocking out to a little of her music. It’s awesome.

Due Date: August 6th, 2015

How far along: 30 weeks!! Holy cow, I just can’t even really grasp the idea that I’m this far. That we’re this close. It’s been a wonderfully challenging experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I have noticed that my anxieties that I had in the 1st tri about loss and not trusting my body are returning and on occasion I get wrapped up in the worst case scenarios. Even though I have no reason to NOT trust simply because I’ve never made it this far.. Regardless, the anxieties are there, they’re real to me, and I do my best to deal with the fears as they come.

IMG_9121

Next Appointment: June 11th – two weeks from today. Yesterday’s appointment was great, with the exception of my ever loving hormones playing nasty tricks on me and making me have a cry fest in front of the nurse and doctor. They handled me well and were very sensitive to whatever I was being emotional about. It was embarrassing!

Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon

Exercise: I did it! I went for a walk yesterday and I even did my hill that I fear! I was a little worried it would send my hip back into pain and soreness, but low and behold, I FEEL SO GOOD! I’m a little sore since I was inactive for several weeks, but I am thrilled that I feel so much better and can actually move around! No more limping!

Stretch Marks & Belly Button: Nope 🙂 and it’s still half in half out. It’s weird looking.

Sleep: I don’t even know why I bother. I average about 4 hours MAYBE 4.5 a night. So I am thankful I am getting SOME sleep.

IMG_9074

Cravings: Nada. Well, maybe fruit – It’s like I’m starting to relive my first tri. Bring on the fruit and cold food! I do find I was hamburgers more often..

Symptoms: Growing belly, bust and butt! Tired… I cry, all the time, most the time for no reason at all. Apparently a symptom I’ve been experiencing is low iron, my doc recently put me on a prescription, but as of yesterday they’ve now doubled my dose as my iron levels are so low I am at an increased risk of bleeding? No wonder I want hamburgers frequently 🙂 Hopefully that helps with some fatigue and resolves before labor and delivery.

IMG_9103

Movement: Always rolling, twisting, kicking, punching.

Baby’s size/Milestones: Crosby is head down and his tush is in my right ribs! My midwife guessed that he probably weighs about 3.5 lbs and things are measuring just perfectly! He may be practicing opening and closing his eyes and even tracking moving objects (uh, not sure how many objects he’s got moving around in there, but apparently enough to learn this skill). He should start to gain about .5 lbs per week from here on out, and this momma should gain about 1 lb per week from here on out (although I will be totally ok if I don’t gain sometimes or gain less than that!). I’ve even FINALLY felt the hiccups and he had them for so long I think it was starting to tick him off. He became very active after a while, so I’m just guessing he was getting annoyed of them. I wouldn’t blame him if he was, those buggers can be annoying sometimes.

Labor Signs: NONE! He’s not quite as high anymore, but I still have some Braxton hicks on and off. Again, those mean nothing.

Miss Anything: I miss sleeping, I miss sleeping on my tummy, and I would love a nice cold Sangria, or Blue Moon. Maybe a glass of wine. I don’t need them, it just sounds good with the changing weather!

What I love: My little man, growing a belly (most of the time), preparing for his arrival, celebrating his little life already!

What I’m looking forward to: Baby Showers! 🙂 4 more sleeps until my first shower! Preparing even MORE for his arrival! Packing a hospital bag, installing a car seat, you know, just the usual prep stuff!

What I’m reading: Uh, well, I’ve been not so great at reading. I’ve picked up my book a couple times, but mostly I’ve been doing reading/research on vaccines and pediatricians, and post baby, pre baby stuff. I’ve been reading some articles on breast feeding too. It all makes me very excited to step into a new journey.

Recent Purchases: We’ve literally bought nothing since last week. WAIT, we bought a new return vent cover thing for little C’s room… Does that count? Our camera came in the mail on Tuesday, so I have a feeling a memory card is next, then pretty soon our wallets will be very empty because we have a lot left to buy. YIKES.

Best Moment this week: Maternity pics. I felt all oooey and gooey love sick for my hubs that day. It was fun having pics taken and then what was not so fun, the allergies that came after… Thank you Lord for Benadryl being safe. I even treated myself to a s’mores frappe from Starbucks. It was worth every calorie. Also some flowers bloomed in our yard! OH, and also little Mya came to visit us… Ok, well maybe she didn’t come to see us specifically, but I’d like to think so. She’s the best. Thanks S and T for letting us hog your baby for the afternoon 🙂

IMG_9119

IMG_9118

IMG_9101

Who Dreamt Up Someone So Divine…

Ok, I know this song makes me sound so cheesy, but I have been listening to it non-stop and letting the tears run freely. I’m not sure why, but I have a feeling it’s tethered to my beliefs in God and how He has so intricately and amazingly created not only my husband but also the little dude coming soon.
It’s mostly this part that wrecks me…
So if I’m ever not kissing you or looking in your eyes
I won’t be blind and I won’t cry
I’ll look up high and gladly sigh

And thank the guy
Who puts the rainbow in the sky
Who lights the stars at night
Who dreamt up someone so divine,
Someone like you and made them mine
Someone like you and made them mine

I die, every time. Perhaps this last trimester has turned on my weepy faucets… I’ve noticed my tears come a lot more freely lately. Usually over weird stuff. Like love songs… Or commercials. Or (let me brag for a second) the beautiful flowers and note from the hubs telling me how much he appreciates all I do – especially when I’ve been down for the count a lot lately…….. Or a really yummy dinner – Don’t judge me.
It’s been a pretty uneventful week, and I have a feeling things will remain that way for a bit, which is totally fine. With warmer weather coming, and evenings spent by the pool and with friends and family before we have little C join us, things will pick up and I’ll have lots of pictures to share! Not to mention pics of fabulous food and baby showers coming too! I feel like I’m living in a dream, this is what spoiled feels like. It…. it makes me thankful.
Due date:  August 6, 2015
How far along: 29 Weeks! I never imagined I would ever be 29 weeks pregnant. The thought has never once crossed my mind. And now that I’m there… I’m delightfully baffled and thankful and grateful. Cue the tears again… Seriously. It’s amazing, even in all it’s aches and pains and discomforts. It’s quite the experience. I’m being exceptionally brave – Bare belly shots. I’ve got a nice lovely (dark) line, a flat/innie/outie belly button and some foldies around my ribs! Enjoy, ha!
IMG_8001
Next appointment: The 27th. I have graduated to every-other-week appointments. All my appointments have been scheduled up to my due date. Which is nice, but also kinda weird…. My glucose test came back perfect. However, my third tri blood work showed that I was pretty anemic (which is completely common and nothing to sneeze at), but I am now on a RX of extra iron… I’m sure I’ll take it the remainder of the pregnancy, or maybe they’ll retest me again? Not sure. But at this point, if that’s all that comes up – I’ll take it!
Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon
Exercise: Nothing. I hate it. My hip (SI Joint) has been so incredibly painful that I feel like I limp around all day then plop on the sofa/bed for the rest of the evening. I’ve even had some days where I completely lose feeling in my right leg and toes… Usually that gives me relief from pain, so I don’t mind. Sometimes I get ambitious and try to do chores but I cry often from pain. It sucks and it hard really made me very aware of my pride and stubbornness. Letting my hubs take care of me and the chores around the house has been very humbling and very appreciated. BUT, I’m still believing that it’s going to heal up soon. And I’m really looking forward to the pool warming up a bit so I can get some exercise in that way.
IMG_7972
Stretch marks: Nope!
Belly button:  Half in/ half out/ half flat?
Sleep: I would wish and hope for sleep all the day long… But it doesn’t happen… unless accompanied by a sleep aid. Which they said is fine, but I do try to limit my use of Tylenol PM.
Food cravings:  My mocha kick is gone. Its good and all, and I’m still drinking them, but I don’t feel like I need it anymore. I’m not really craving anything. Maybe I want a hamburger… Or maybe I’m just hungry…again.
Symptoms:  Growing belly, bust and butt! Fatigue. The emotions are starting to become more weepy, forgetful, distracted. I’m not sure where my brain is, but I hope it comes back at least a little.
Movement:  Roll, wiggle, twitch, punch, kick, roll. Repeat. All.Day.Long. I still haven’t felt any hiccups, I hope I feel them at least once?
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Even though Crosby’s about 16 inches tall, the size of a pineapple, and pretty close to birth height, he is still weighing in at about three – three and a half pounds, so he still has a lot of fat to pack on in the next eleven weeks. Crosby’s muscles and lungs continue to mature, and he still has plenty of weight to gain. As he gets bigger in the womb and has less room to unleash those roundhouse kicks, you’ll start to feel slight movements, like elbows to your uterus, more often. These movements may start to feel more defined and more regular, and are reaching the point where they generally peak and plateau – the level of movement Crosby will be at until you give birth, essentially.
Labor signs: NONE! He’s still up very high, I have the occasional – Braxton Hicks contractions, but that doesn’t mean anything.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach, walking normally, not being in pain.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby 🙂
What I’m looking forward to: Getting my hairs did tonight. Maternity pics. Baby Showers!! I have to brag, I have some of the best friends, family, and coworkers! I am spoiled and I am having 3 (!!!!!!) showers. I can’t even believe it. I also have to mention they all did an amazing job at designing invites. I actually feel quite speechless – as I am so overwhelmed with the fact that people actually want to throw a party for us to help us welcome Crosby. Amazing.. here’s a sneak of ONE of my shower invites:
BBShower

Credit goes to a gal in Marketing at my place of employment and another coworker (L). They are amazing!

What I’m reading: Acts, as well as Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. I am looking to purchase Hypnobirthing by Marie Mongan, just to see what that’s all about. But so far my only prep to delivery is positive self talk and trusting that my body is going to do what it needs to do and is capable of. But I’m also spending a lot of time bringing my fears/excitement/nerves/questions/etc to the Lord and trusting that He knows what’s best and will guide me as needed.
Baby Purchases: We bought a camera. Like a legit camera. It’s hard spending that much money, but we are SUPER excited to have something nice to capture a lot of great moments from here on out.
Best moment this week: This happened…
FullSizeRender
My bestie Lindsey gifted me a 50 min pedicure at a local Spa and Coffeehouse. OhMyGosh it was amazing. She’ll never know how thankful I was for the gift and how I savored every.single.second. My feet feel fresh and loved. Ha! Thank you, chica. Seriously, such a wonderful surprise gift!
So basically I’m uncomfortable, I don’t sleep, I’m sore, and tired, but I’ve never been more thankful in my life.
I cannot believe I am getting SO close. It’s nuts. But then again, I still have quite some time…. 🙂 Happy Memorial Day weekend! Be safe, have fun, and celebrate!

My little Tomatoes

We’ve been singing this song to my niece since the day she was born. At least that’s how I remember it. It was a song my mom started singing and then all of a sudden we all sang it, all the time. My niece is one tough cookie. Starting at just a tiny baby she’s endured countless surgeries for her heart and her brain and so many procedures in between. We sang this in encouragement to hang on and soon, soon things will be different. Things have still been hard but this little girl won my heart over the day she entered this world. For the several years she was living in another state I missed her with every ounce of my being. But now, now she lives in the same city as me… Heck she lives only about 7 minutes away now! So – we get a lot more time with this bug. I love it.
FullSizeRender
FullSizeRender1
I love being a auntie to my sisters kids and I love being an auntie to both my sister-in-law’s kiddos. It’s seriously the best thing ever. I’m not sure my heart can get bigger, but I know it will. As there are more babes to join us. One in September, and hopefully more in the future. I don’t think any of my nieces and nephews realize how much I lub them. They probably never will. But I’ll die trying.
IMG_8881
Due date:  August 6, 2015
How far along: 28 Weeks! Holy cow, if I actually pop when some family member’s have guesses, I have about 10 weeks left. Yes, that’s a lot of time, but also, a lot less than it was before… YIKES!
IMG_8950
Next appointment: The 27th. I have graduated to every-other-week appointments. Which seems crazy to me, I can’t believe it. I did my glucose test this week, unfortunately I haven’t heard anything – which I am assuming no news is good news… It wasn’t as bad as I thought, I actually really liked the drink, but not so much the feeling after the fact.
FullSizeRender2
My appointment went well. I had the chance to ask my Midwife about the retained placenta risks. She agreed, I am at a much higher risk of this occurring, but we’ll cross that bridge if we need to. I’m glad she was open and honest, but also confident that my body knows what to do and will succeed in doing its job. Other than that, another A+ appointment. It took her about a full minute to find his heartbeat, I almost panicked and fought back some tears of memories from last year – but after a few pokes and prods she got him to cooperate!
Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon
Exercise: Sadly my chiro said that I have somehow injured my SI Joint. I’ve been limping and wobbling my way around for just over a week now. It’s incredibly painful and I am SO hoping it heals, but she mentioned sometimes it doesn’t heal until after delivery. Not sure how I’ve managed to injure it so badly – but they suspect it’s baby’s fault. Alllll that to say – if I can hardly walk as it is – I ain’t getting any exercise. I am counting down the days until the pool is nice and warm though. That will be my exercise. I can’t wait.
Stretch marks: Nope! I hope it stays that way – if not, meh – no biggie
Belly button:  half in/ half out
Sleep: Oh how I crave thee. It’s probably frowned upon to form a Tylenol pm addiction during pregnancy. Someday I will sleep again. It may be a while, but that’s ok. There are great reasons for the lack of sleep.
Food cravings:  Mocha Americano – decaf, always decaf. I have never liked mochas in my life. Now I must have it.
Symptoms:  Growing belly, bust and butt! Fatigue. The emotions are starting to become more weepy, forgetful, distracted. I’m not sure where my brain is, but I hope it comes back at least a little.
IMG_8951
Movement:  This is changing, more rolls, less jabs. He’s also slowed down a little bit and become more irregular. The midwife assured me this was fine – especially since he’s continually running out of room.
Baby’s Size/Milestones:  This week, Crosby weighs about 2.5 pounds (not sure why his weight according to my app has stayed the same??)  and is about 16 inches long.  He’s sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing his eyes, and perhaps even sucking his fingers. With more brain tissue developing, baby’s brain is very active now. His lungs are now developed enough where he could easily be sustained with medical help if he decided to come extra early. He also is starting to be able to maintain his own body temperature!
Labor signs: NONE! He’s still up very high, I have the occasional – sometimes constant – Braxton Hicks contractions, but that doesn’t mean anything. Crosby has a ways to go still.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach, a good pee, and not grunting to bend over and pick things up! HA! Makes cleaning interesting…
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby 🙂
What I’m looking forward to: I’m getting really nervous and excited about our maternity pictures. I don’t know what to wear, how to do my hair, or how I really feel about barebelly shots. I have about 5 scars from pervious surgeries – including my tubal pregnancy. They’re ugly. But I’m trying to embrace the beauty of my journey to motherhood. It’s all a part of my story, and there are scars that are unseen that make me want to cover up and hide my body. But, I’m still excited to experience the “extras” of pregnancy and document this wonderful life! 
What I’m reading: Acts, as well as Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, I really like her book and I hope to get her other books as well.
Baby Purchases: Notta thing. We’ve decided to wait until after showers then buy in highest priority to lowest priority. Although I want to just get movin’ now. I can think of a million and one things I’d like to get done, but I’m practicing patience!
Best moment this week:
This arrived – The hubs put it together. It’s comfy. I’m stoked. Thank you Mommy for spoiling little man!
IMG_8936
This also arrived – Thanks again to my mother! She had fun I think 🙂
IMG_8935
This time next week, I’ll be sportin’ a new do, hopefully some freshly painted toes (lord help me, I’m not sure how bendy I am anymore). I’m ready for the weekend. Yes, very ready for a weekend.
XO

Oh How the Years Go By!

I am both amazed and dumbfounded how it could already be May 7th. Often times when I find myself reflecting on the date I find myself looking back at how far I’ve come in one year or two, sometimes even 3. It dawned on me last night (not sure how I could even start to forget about this) that my Hubs and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary (as well as my 2 year blogging anniversary soon) which then made me realize I’ve spent just over 3 years with this dude. Where did time go? When did all this time pass and all of a sudden we’re here. If I’m being completely honest, at some points in our first year of marriage, I didn’t think we’d be here.

April, May and June of 2014 saw a lot of tears, a lot of fights, and a lot of questions. I tried to walk away, I shut down, and then over the course of our second year of marriage God started healing me, healing us. Words that shouldn’t have ever been spoken were forgiven, actions that left deep wounds were healed. As I look back I am amazed at the restoration, sufficiency, and redemption that we’ve walked through. These were all words that the Lord had given me WELL before we even started this journey. And not long after our last loss I received the word Victory. I believe FULLY that year one was all about those words, and year two saw a lot of victory.

In May of last year I was given a 50% chance of a successful pregnancy, and from there the news kept getting worse and worse. And from the moment the Dr said – basically if you want kids it’s gotta happen now because you don’t have much time left…. God showed up and beat all the odds that were stacked up against us.

I think today I am simply amazed at the miracle of life. I never would have thought a year ago that I would just be starting my third trimester…. I told my husband last night, I feel like I’m bringing in a new year! Sounds silly, but apparently I must be floating on some clouds of pure thankfulness and gratitude. Maybe just some extra oxytocin and endorphins? Either way, I’m proud. This marriage stuff is hard, add in complications with child-bearing and repeat miscarriages, we were doomed for divorce or a crappy start. It wasn’t ideal, but good – no AMAZING things –  have come from this. I’m stoked that the start of year #3 will bring a new set of challenges that will grow us together and grow our faith. It makes me excited for the next word/promise we receive from God.

so-thankful-e1385493723830

Due date:  August 6, 2015
How far along: 27 Weeks! I am beyond thrilled and blessed to be this far. I am REALLY enjoying this process and I couldn’t be more thankful.
IMG_8854

Yup, I realize the tags are still on – BUT new swim wear ya’ll! So now you can say you’ve all seen me in a swim suit. Yikes!

Next appointment: Tuesday, glucose – yuck.
Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon
Exercise: Mostly just walking – yoga hasn’t seen me in a few weeks, but I’m still active, which is the goal.
 IMG_8397
Stretch marks: Nope! I hope it stays that way – if not, meh – no biggie
Belly button:  half in/ half out (mostly in the evenings though)
Sleep: The last two nights have been induced by Tylenol pm (approved and suggested by my doctor) as I’ve come down with a terrible cold, but I seem to be bouncing back quickly. I think the solid sleep is helping!
Food cravings:  Mocha Americano – decaf, always decaf. I have never liked mochas in my life. Now I must have it.
Symptoms:  I have a hitch in my giddy-up, but hoping the chiro can fix it tomorrow. Fatigue, sore ribs, hips and back, other than that – I’ve been very lucky!
Movement:  Free Entertainment. The movement is less jabby and more rolling. He loves my ribs – but he doesn’t really have much room as I am SO short-waisted. He makes me laugh a lot when he’s tumbling around. I love it, and I know I will miss it.
Baby’s Size/Milestones:  This week, Crosby weighs about 2.5 pounds and is about 15 inches long with his legs extended. He’s sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing his eyes, and perhaps even sucking his fingers. With more brain tissue developing, baby’s brain is very active now. His lungs are now developed enough where he could easily be sustained with medical help if he decided to come extra early.
Labor signs: NONE! He’s still up very high, I have the occasional – sometimes constant – Braxton Hicks contractions, but that doesn’t mean anything. Crosby has a ways to go still.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach, a good pee, and not grunting to bend over and pick things up! HA! Makes cleaning interesting…
IMG_8830
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby 🙂
What I’m looking forward to:  Meeting Crosby, baby showers, seeing my mom in August, raising a boy to love Jesus. I can’t wait to see him and my hubs together. I can’t wait to see what he looks like!
What I’m reading: Acts, as well as Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, I really like her book and I hope to get her other books as well.
Baby Purchases: Nothing really except supplies for his room. We were generously gifted a glider, bandana bibs, our desired diaper bag, and decorative pillow for his room – from my amazing momma! We feel totally spoiled!!
Best moment this week: Finishing painting and prepping little man’s room. Now the organizing and decorating can begin! We, ok – my husband – basically gutted this room and re-did the trim, the walls, the changing table, the closet, replaced the air vents… basically everything.. My only contribution was painting the book shelf. He gets all the credit. Nice work babes, you deserve a giant smooch!
IMG_8801

Don’t mind the mess, I have NO clue where to put things yet so for now things are just all over the place! Our new glider will be where that bounce/swing is, it should come any day – Thanks Momma!!!

IMG_1552
IMG_8793
IMG_1067

This lighting is bad, but we wanted to capture the new light fixture. Trust me, you didn’t want to see the previous 1970’s nasty that was in there.

So basically, that’s it. Time is flyin’, we’re excited, and things just keep getting better and better!
PS- I did let the internet scare me. What do you knowledgeable gals know about retained placenta after birth – especially in the case of a history of 4+ d&c’s and scar tissue? Good ol’ baby center… Apparently it can be pretty serious resulting in a hysterectomy?