Even When it Hurts Like Hell

Death never makes sense. Ever. Most often it doesn’t make sense when it’s unexpected, when it’s sudden. I’ve not experienced much death in my almost 28 years. I’m very lucky. The only true experiences I have are the death of the babies that wait for us in heaven. But, I can’t compare that to the loss of family. The emotions are dramatically different.

Several months ago we lost our sweet Grandma Judy. We knew it was coming, but it was hard nonetheless. It was expected, we had time to love on her and share some very sweet memories. This. This was sudden. Unexpected. Traumatic. A family member lost far too soon. He may have not been part of the “family” anymore due to divorce, but he’s still my nieces uncle by blood. There was still a relationship to be had. There were no severed ties. He’s still part of the whole picture.

Even then, I choose to sing His praise. We don’t understand. We might not ever understand. But I know that God is still good. I know that He is working and moving in ways that are yet unseen.

I’m continuously praying for comfort. Praying for direction. Praying for the little ones and his beautiful wife that are left with questions. That He’s holding their tears. That the comfort is never-ceasing from extended family and friends. That each one who is impacted by the loss feels held.

Don’t ever forget how valued your life is. No matter what you may be going through, the pain is never permanent. If you EVER need help, there is never any shame in reaching out. We’ve all needed help and support. You are valued, you are loved, your life always matters.

This week has been hard. June 2nd will hold a lot of special moments.

I’m really struggling with the idea of an update this week, so it will just cover the basics.

How far along: 31 weeks!! I am so thankful.


Next Appointment: June 11th

Baby’s size/Milestones: Crosby is beginning his final preparations for delivery, as his senses are now intact, he continues to pile on that baby fat, and his immune system is nearly ready to fight and prevent illness all on its own. His brain and nerves continue to develop under his head, which is still very soft because the bones that make up the skull are not yet fused together so that he can pass as easily as possible through the birth canal. These soft spots, or fontanels, won’t fuse together to turn Crosby’s skull into one, solid piece, until he is about two, or a little younger. Crosby is growing more flexible in his neck and joints every day, so he is going to be making a lot of movements down there in the next two months. He might be close to 17 ½ inches tall, the size of a head of lettuce, and weighs over 3 ½ lbs.

What I love: My little man, growing a belly (most of the time), preparing for his arrival, celebrating his little life already! The hiccups I feel. The support and love that’s been shown to us!

What I’m looking forward to: I am looking forward to family and friends and church baby showers. I am looking forward to seeing the maternity pics. I am looking forward to how my body and mind start prepping for the home stretch. I am looking forward to organizing little man’s room and getting all his stuff ready for his arrival.

Best Moment this week: I had my first baby shower that my coworkers threw me. I was beyond blessed by it. I have incredibly generous coworkers. We were also UBER blessed by extended friends and family – the car seats were gifted to us. I cry every time we receive a gift. I am so blown away by people’s generosity and willingness to give. I’m usually left speechless.


Oh – I also got a little peek at little man. Not great quality, but hopefully you can make something out of the fuzz.


This is his profile and his hand is up at his mouth


10 thoughts on “Even When it Hurts Like Hell

  1. I am so sorry for the loss of someone so close to you. It is never easy, and I hope you are taking care of yourself through this time.
    Also, I love that Crosby is doing well! And that you are enjoying your showers and enjoying seeing him grow and develop. Lots of love to you!


  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Like you said it’s never easy but even more so when it’s unexpected and you just don’t understand why. Prayers for all of you during this time.

    What a precious profile there!


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