To Him be all the Glory

Because I’m lazy, I’m sick (oh my gosh am I sick…), I’m wiped out, and I’m a few days shy of 39 weeks… I don’t have much to report besides the fact that I’ve been slammed at work and then coming home and prepping the house and home for a newbie.

With our due date just around the corner I find myself really anxious and really excited! But, I’m also not really holding my breath for any specific day to be THE day. I’ve had a few exciting nights of “Oh! Is this is?” But sure enough, things slow down and I’m back to normal the next morning. Prodromal labor is a real thing. It’s great practice, and since I don’t really sleep anyway, I’m getting all sorts of prepped for a little one to be here.

For a few weeks (about 35-37w) I was thinking how much it would SUCK to go past 40… But the closer I get the more I find myself not really in a hurry. I mean, duh, of course I CANNOT wait to meet him. But, I find myself saying to myself – oh, I can do one more week, it’s not THAT bad. Meh, a few more days, it’s really not up to me… I will say I do love my mindset. But, I am also incredibly excited to know that it’s really GO time. Call me crazy, but I cannot wait to experience what this process has to offer and I am certain that God has planned it out to be perfect. Regardless how little dude decides to come, I know his Birthday is predetermined. It may be soon, it may be later, but I’ve come to realize that I have no say in WHEN it will actually happen.

So…

I am 38+5w

Due Date is next week: Aug 6, 2015

I have found ONE tiny stretch mark and that’s right where my belly button ring used to be. I assumed that would stretch.

My weight gain has been within normal (a total of 31lbs). Sometimes I wish it were less, but then I realize I was fairly active, I ate really well.. so that may have just been what was needed for me.

Cravings are for Red Robin’s Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap… I want it daily, but I haven’t had the chance to chomp down on it yet. I have a feeling that I might not be able to hold out – I may NEED it, instead of want it.

All in all – this has been an amazing experience, and one I will never forget. It’s been harder than I expected, but more amazing that I could have expected as well.

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On July 24th, I went and bought my balloons, brought them home. I had every intention of writing my little note to my little peanut, but I just couldn’t do it. So now the balloons are still just floating around the living room. Today, upon taking out the trash, they tried to follow me out, I should have just let them go, but stuffed them back into my house. I always thought releasing balloons was a good idea… But now that I’ve been thinking about it, I hate letting things go. Especially when they mean a lot to me. I threw a minor pity party – as usual – I thought just maybe someone would remember. Even my husband asked what they were for, but quickly remembered. It’s been a long 2 years, and I’m so thankful that the battle we were facing seems to be just about WON.

We’re days away from standing in victory over Repeat Pregnancy Loss… We’re days away from proving to the doctors that a diagnosis means crap. In March of 2013 they made it pretty clear that I wouldn’t ever get pregnant without IVF. Well, not only have I been pregnant, we’re days away from bringing our little one home. September of 2012 saw a mistake made by a doctor… One that devastatingly impacted my fertility. The enemy saw that as an opportunity to continue to destroy my fertility. And today, we’re day’s away from standing in the Victory of what God is capable of working out. There are so many dates and circumstances that should have or could have rendered pregnancy and a full term birth impossible. But I’m telling you now – God is always bigger. Sometimes it doesn’t work out the way we want or expect. But, He’s always bigger. He’s always working for our good and His glory.

To Him be ALL the glory – cause Crosby is proof that miracles happen.

 

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Blooming… in more ways than one!

I’m choosing to set aside my pride and ability to hide behind a blog. Usually, one can type away making things seem glamorous or great when really things are less than awesome. Not that anything MAJOR has happened or that anything is wrong or that I’m some depressed human, but I’m just going to admit, being 36 week pregnant is a lot harder than I anticipated. I did NOT expect some of the feelings, both physical and emotional, and I didn’t expect to be so…. moody. I couldn’t be more thankful for a patient and understanding and supportive husband at this point. I’ve actually been avoiding blogging… Basically because I’m tired, and honestly I just don’t feel like it. In a nut shell, I’m feeling a little less than efficient, kind of overwhelmed, and seriously behind. I know there are some pretty amazing women who work full-time right up until the day they pop (and these wonder women still manage to get their to-do’s done and meals prepped, and checklists complete, I’m just realizing I’m not THAT type of wonder woman…), and that’s exactly the route we’ve chosen as well, but seriously, it’s flippin’ hard. And I don’t think that really adequately describes my personal feelings towards it.

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Due Date: August 6th, 2015

How far along: 36 weeks – Second goal MET! I failed to do an update for week 35 so, I have two lovely sets of pics for you. My midwife estimated little dude to be about 7lbs now and she said that he’s more than welcome to come anytime he wants. She is completely comfortable with how things are, but obviously we’re all cheering for as long as possible. But for this momma’s sake… I’m hoping it’s at least a tiny but early. I get increasingly crabby trying to prep myself to go to 42 weeks. I doubt that will happen, but honestly, you never.really.know.

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Next Appointment: Next Tuesday. They’re really quick appointments. I’ve already completed my GBS test and it was negative, so now we just check in once a week, talk, check the HR and FH, and say see you next week or see you soon if there’s a baby to be born. I’m at least hoping/expecting to hold out until week 38, cause our doula is on a much deserved vacation for week 37.

Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon

Exercise: I am now released for all normal activity, obviously within reason. But no more modifications for me! Yippy! So, it’s gonna be swimming (running back and forth in the pool). I’m not sure I could manage a yoga class at this point. But maybe I’ll try it out again, even if it’s just for a giggle.

Stretch Marks & Belly Button: Nada! I’m pretty proud. Several months ago I took out the weight tracker – it was a struggle for me for a while, but I think I’ve gained so steadily and within a GREAT range (holding steady at 26/28ish lbs), that it’s allowed my body to adjust nicely. My belly button is still half in, half out. It changes every day. Sometimes it’s flat.

Sleep: It’s a surprise every night 🙂 And on weekends I’m learning the art of 2+ hour naps.

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Cravings: Nada. Food. I just want food. All the time. And like good food. I want breakfast, and loaded sandwiches, and dinners filled with yummy food. Instead we snack, and hodge podge it together cause I don’t want to cook/don’t have the energy to cook. And right this very second, a whiskey river BBQ chicken wrap from Red Robin sounds amazing. With ranch and streak fries. What’s sad is I will take 4-6 bits and be full and I’ll cry cause I just want to eat a full meal.

Symptoms: Contractions, fatigue, pretty much anything you might expect from someone who is 35+ weeks prego. The hip pains, and swelling is seriously uncomfortable. I don’t know how women survive pregnancy without a pool in the summer. It’s such a life saver.

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Movement: His movement has changed a lot. It’s not quite as frequent and its become a lot more…. defined. I know when it’s a foot, or knee, or butt. I know exactly where his head is and which way he’s facing. It’s weird. But, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love it. I’m going to miss it.

Baby’s size/Milestones: After this week, Crosby will almost be carried to term – the rest is mostly just baby fat from here on out. His digestive system is the only major system in his body that is not fully developed yet – although Crosby has had plenty of practice swallowing, he will not be fully digesting food until he starts eating on the outside. Crosby is probably close to 19 inches, and 6 lbs. (or as my midwife is estimating – a whopping 7lbs!!!! But, he’s always measured HUGE from day one. I’m not terribly surprised if he’s an overachiever in the weight and length department), the size of a papaya, although variation between the height and weight of different babies increases as they get closer to birth, just like how you are bigger or smaller than people you know.

Labor Signs: 36 week goal – MET. On a day-to-day basis, I never know what my body is going to do. I’m honestly both consumed with wondering when it’s going to happen and simultaneously not even paying attention because some things that happen can mean something AND nothing. Like dilation and effacement… I could stay right where I am for weeks and week. Or it could change tonight. So, I trust that his birthday is secured in Gods hands and I trust he’ll make an appearance when he’s ready.

Miss Anything: I miss feeling normal. And I have a feeling I may not ever feel “normal” again. But, I will say it might be a nice break to have my insides to myself again. But really, I’ve enjoyed this process more often than not. So I can’t really say I miss a ton. Sleep, maybe I miss sleep. But I’ve long let go of the idea of a good night’s rest. And that’s ok. That’s how it should be, but I’m still a pansy sometimes and I want to whine about the lack of sleep.

What I love:  I love watching myself and my husband learn to adapt to a huge change that’s coming. I have a love/hate relationship with these changes and how I navigate them. Some days I win, some days I lose. And some days, as my sister-in-law S stated, I just need to forget where my feet are, lay down and Praise Him. Bingo. Love the journey! Love the little dude I’m gonna meet soon. Love the transition from a family of 2, to a family of 3 (well, 6 if you count my babies who aren’t here).

What I’m looking forward to: Birth, labor, delivery. Maternity leave. Seeing my mom. Meeting Crosby.

Recent Purchases: I suck at this section, mostly because I don’t take pics. But I will say here’s what’s going on the wall on each side of the window. I haven’t hung them, we probably should… Other than that, there are lots we’ve bought, but nothing I can list out.

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Best Moment this week: Same……Realizing I’ll never again be pregnant with THIS little dude (and perhaps maybe never again… only God knows) has made a lot of moments really bitter-sweet. It’s helping me remember that these aches and pains and discomforts are worth it and purposeful. It’s helping me remember that I can do this and I’ll likely miss it once he’s here. I don’t want to be so wrapped up in my head and my pain/discomforts that I completely miss the purpose and the lessons of NOW. It’s not as easy as it seems.

I realize this is lengthy, but I know if I don’t write about it now, I never will. And I’m feeling like I just need to get it out.

38 weeks. That falls on July 23rd. July 23rd happens to be a day that I will never ever forget. In fact, I still remember vividly what I was wearing, the phone calls that were made, and the struggles that compounded into one day. July 23rd was the day that we agreed to terminate a much desired pregnancy that happened to be located in a spot that would not be viable and it posed a great risk for my life if we let it continue. Maybe it wouldn’t have continued without intervention, but a tubal pregnancy isn’t really something you take chances with. My appointment was around 330p and by 7am the next morning I was in surgery. I don’t know why having THIS specific event fall so close to delivery time makes me squirm. It’s been 2 years since that day, and still, I get uneasy and sad. We’ll never know the true gender but we have always called this babe Our Little Flower. And in memory of that babe we bought an African Violet flower.

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It blooms vibrant purple flowers on occasion, but not very often. In fact, the last time it bloomed I was pregnant with Colton. It died the same day I had my D&C…. It hasn’t shown any sign of blooming since. Until this morning. Maybe it’s a bloom starting, or maybe it’s just new growth. But, it lifted my spirits a little. I’m on edge, I have a lot of feelings around each passing anniversary date that I never know how to navigate and I never know what to do with. I’m hoping that as the years pass it becomes easier.

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I think what’s made me most edgy is my husband has, from the very beginning of this pregnancy, thought that we will welcome little Crosby at 38 weeks. It was only recently that I brought up what 38 weeks was. I’m not mad, and in fact, I think it would be almost bitter-sweet if he was right. Maybe bringing to a close a sad chapter and replacing it with sweet redemption. Either way, my heart gets unsettled. I start to panic that if we happened to lose Crosby around the same date (which I don’t know why my brain even goes there, there is no reason we should lose him) July will be ruined forever. And this is where the faucet of irrational thinking and worries come flooding in. It’s tricky, and I tend to run with those fears far longer than necessary.

So this is my rant/rambling of things I don’t even know how to process, but it needed to come out. Or maybe I figured I should share. Or something….

So on that note, I’m feeling especially thankful for sweet friends and supportive family. And an extremely patient Husband.

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