Blooming… in more ways than one!

I’m choosing to set aside my pride and ability to hide behind a blog. Usually, one can type away making things seem glamorous or great when really things are less than awesome. Not that anything MAJOR has happened or that anything is wrong or that I’m some depressed human, but I’m just going to admit, being 36 week pregnant is a lot harder than I anticipated. I did NOT expect some of the feelings, both physical and emotional, and I didn’t expect to be so…. moody. I couldn’t be more thankful for a patient and understanding and supportive husband at this point. I’ve actually been avoiding blogging… Basically because I’m tired, and honestly I just don’t feel like it. In a nut shell, I’m feeling a little less than efficient, kind of overwhelmed, and seriously behind. I know there are some pretty amazing women who work full-time right up until the day they pop (and these wonder women still manage to get their to-do’s done and meals prepped, and checklists complete, I’m just realizing I’m not THAT type of wonder woman…), and that’s exactly the route we’ve chosen as well, but seriously, it’s flippin’ hard. And I don’t think that really adequately describes my personal feelings towards it.

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Due Date: August 6th, 2015

How far along: 36 weeks – Second goal MET! I failed to do an update for week 35 so, I have two lovely sets of pics for you. My midwife estimated little dude to be about 7lbs now and she said that he’s more than welcome to come anytime he wants. She is completely comfortable with how things are, but obviously we’re all cheering for as long as possible. But for this momma’s sake… I’m hoping it’s at least a tiny but early. I get increasingly crabby trying to prep myself to go to 42 weeks. I doubt that will happen, but honestly, you never.really.know.

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Next Appointment: Next Tuesday. They’re really quick appointments. I’ve already completed my GBS test and it was negative, so now we just check in once a week, talk, check the HR and FH, and say see you next week or see you soon if there’s a baby to be born. I’m at least hoping/expecting to hold out until week 38, cause our doula is on a much deserved vacation for week 37.

Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon

Exercise: I am now released for all normal activity, obviously within reason. But no more modifications for me! Yippy! So, it’s gonna be swimming (running back and forth in the pool). I’m not sure I could manage a yoga class at this point. But maybe I’ll try it out again, even if it’s just for a giggle.

Stretch Marks & Belly Button: Nada! I’m pretty proud. Several months ago I took out the weight tracker – it was a struggle for me for a while, but I think I’ve gained so steadily and within a GREAT range (holding steady at 26/28ish lbs), that it’s allowed my body to adjust nicely. My belly button is still half in, half out. It changes every day. Sometimes it’s flat.

Sleep: It’s a surprise every night 🙂 And on weekends I’m learning the art of 2+ hour naps.

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Cravings: Nada. Food. I just want food. All the time. And like good food. I want breakfast, and loaded sandwiches, and dinners filled with yummy food. Instead we snack, and hodge podge it together cause I don’t want to cook/don’t have the energy to cook. And right this very second, a whiskey river BBQ chicken wrap from Red Robin sounds amazing. With ranch and streak fries. What’s sad is I will take 4-6 bits and be full and I’ll cry cause I just want to eat a full meal.

Symptoms: Contractions, fatigue, pretty much anything you might expect from someone who is 35+ weeks prego. The hip pains, and swelling is seriously uncomfortable. I don’t know how women survive pregnancy without a pool in the summer. It’s such a life saver.

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Movement: His movement has changed a lot. It’s not quite as frequent and its become a lot more…. defined. I know when it’s a foot, or knee, or butt. I know exactly where his head is and which way he’s facing. It’s weird. But, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love it. I’m going to miss it.

Baby’s size/Milestones: After this week, Crosby will almost be carried to term – the rest is mostly just baby fat from here on out. His digestive system is the only major system in his body that is not fully developed yet – although Crosby has had plenty of practice swallowing, he will not be fully digesting food until he starts eating on the outside. Crosby is probably close to 19 inches, and 6 lbs. (or as my midwife is estimating – a whopping 7lbs!!!! But, he’s always measured HUGE from day one. I’m not terribly surprised if he’s an overachiever in the weight and length department), the size of a papaya, although variation between the height and weight of different babies increases as they get closer to birth, just like how you are bigger or smaller than people you know.

Labor Signs: 36 week goal – MET. On a day-to-day basis, I never know what my body is going to do. I’m honestly both consumed with wondering when it’s going to happen and simultaneously not even paying attention because some things that happen can mean something AND nothing. Like dilation and effacement… I could stay right where I am for weeks and week. Or it could change tonight. So, I trust that his birthday is secured in Gods hands and I trust he’ll make an appearance when he’s ready.

Miss Anything: I miss feeling normal. And I have a feeling I may not ever feel “normal” again. But, I will say it might be a nice break to have my insides to myself again. But really, I’ve enjoyed this process more often than not. So I can’t really say I miss a ton. Sleep, maybe I miss sleep. But I’ve long let go of the idea of a good night’s rest. And that’s ok. That’s how it should be, but I’m still a pansy sometimes and I want to whine about the lack of sleep.

What I love:  I love watching myself and my husband learn to adapt to a huge change that’s coming. I have a love/hate relationship with these changes and how I navigate them. Some days I win, some days I lose. And some days, as my sister-in-law S stated, I just need to forget where my feet are, lay down and Praise Him. Bingo. Love the journey! Love the little dude I’m gonna meet soon. Love the transition from a family of 2, to a family of 3 (well, 6 if you count my babies who aren’t here).

What I’m looking forward to: Birth, labor, delivery. Maternity leave. Seeing my mom. Meeting Crosby.

Recent Purchases: I suck at this section, mostly because I don’t take pics. But I will say here’s what’s going on the wall on each side of the window. I haven’t hung them, we probably should… Other than that, there are lots we’ve bought, but nothing I can list out.

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Best Moment this week: Same……Realizing I’ll never again be pregnant with THIS little dude (and perhaps maybe never again… only God knows) has made a lot of moments really bitter-sweet. It’s helping me remember that these aches and pains and discomforts are worth it and purposeful. It’s helping me remember that I can do this and I’ll likely miss it once he’s here. I don’t want to be so wrapped up in my head and my pain/discomforts that I completely miss the purpose and the lessons of NOW. It’s not as easy as it seems.

I realize this is lengthy, but I know if I don’t write about it now, I never will. And I’m feeling like I just need to get it out.

38 weeks. That falls on July 23rd. July 23rd happens to be a day that I will never ever forget. In fact, I still remember vividly what I was wearing, the phone calls that were made, and the struggles that compounded into one day. July 23rd was the day that we agreed to terminate a much desired pregnancy that happened to be located in a spot that would not be viable and it posed a great risk for my life if we let it continue. Maybe it wouldn’t have continued without intervention, but a tubal pregnancy isn’t really something you take chances with. My appointment was around 330p and by 7am the next morning I was in surgery. I don’t know why having THIS specific event fall so close to delivery time makes me squirm. It’s been 2 years since that day, and still, I get uneasy and sad. We’ll never know the true gender but we have always called this babe Our Little Flower. And in memory of that babe we bought an African Violet flower.

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It blooms vibrant purple flowers on occasion, but not very often. In fact, the last time it bloomed I was pregnant with Colton. It died the same day I had my D&C…. It hasn’t shown any sign of blooming since. Until this morning. Maybe it’s a bloom starting, or maybe it’s just new growth. But, it lifted my spirits a little. I’m on edge, I have a lot of feelings around each passing anniversary date that I never know how to navigate and I never know what to do with. I’m hoping that as the years pass it becomes easier.

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I think what’s made me most edgy is my husband has, from the very beginning of this pregnancy, thought that we will welcome little Crosby at 38 weeks. It was only recently that I brought up what 38 weeks was. I’m not mad, and in fact, I think it would be almost bitter-sweet if he was right. Maybe bringing to a close a sad chapter and replacing it with sweet redemption. Either way, my heart gets unsettled. I start to panic that if we happened to lose Crosby around the same date (which I don’t know why my brain even goes there, there is no reason we should lose him) July will be ruined forever. And this is where the faucet of irrational thinking and worries come flooding in. It’s tricky, and I tend to run with those fears far longer than necessary.

So this is my rant/rambling of things I don’t even know how to process, but it needed to come out. Or maybe I figured I should share. Or something….

So on that note, I’m feeling especially thankful for sweet friends and supportive family. And an extremely patient Husband.

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19 thoughts on “Blooming… in more ways than one!

  1. Oh, Morgan. I’ve loved reading your blogs. I’ve felt my heart fall when your babies became angels, and my soul fills with hope and happiness with every pregnancy. My dear Violet was born 2/15/07, and my Emma was born on 2/10/15. Holding Emma, and five days later being the anniversary of losing Violet was very bittersweet. I am so excited to see Crosby earth-side!

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  2. First, as always, you look awesome!! I am amazed at how great you look for being 36 weeks pregnant!
    Second, I’m sorry about the coincidence int he dates. But honestly, I hope one day you will see it as a bittersweet blessing – it’s not going to be easy, but it will be okay. And it’s okay to be filled with the joy that Crosby is already bringing to your life – that joy does not mean you are not sad for Colton. You can feel both emotions and that’s okay. Try to be kind and fair to yourself as your cross through the anniversary.

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    • Thanks, Steph. The belly is something I often giggle and marvel at! So crazy to think it’s going to be a little less round in just a few short weeks. I can’t even believe he’s almost here!

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  3. i too was very honest about my pregnancy. it is tough stuff making a baby. my body changed in ways i didn’t know could happen and i didn’t always enjoy it. it’s seems like forever but Colton will be here before you know it. hang in there! we lost our first babe on April 3rd 2012. April 23rd 2015 we were blessed with our beautiful daughter. life is all about the happy and the sad. we never forget, we keep moving forward with hope and love and having your baby boy around the same time will help give a different meaning to this time of year. i thank my Angel babies all the time for sending our sweet Maeve to us xo. I’m thinking of you everyday and hope that little man chooses to come and meet us soon 🙂

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  4. Thinking of you and both of your babies… I cannot believe it is so soon that you will be meeting your new little one. Life will be busy, but good busy. I think maybe that flower may be starting to bloom for a reason. I know too well the conflicting emotions regarding new life and the loss of a baby. I am here if you ever need to talk!

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  5. I seriously love reading your blogs they are so cool and interesting I wish I would have done something like this during my pregnancy. I still can’t believe you are still blogging this far along I totally understand what you mean everything goes out the window and you say screw it lol. Hope all is well with your family thank you for taking time to write these blogs

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    • Thank you Allison. It’s hard to keep up sometimes this far along and I really hope to continue after he’s here. I have a feeling it will look a little different though, and that’s ok! We’re all evolving as we transition to new phases, right 🙂 Thanks for reading!

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  6. You’re doing an amazing job. Pregnancy is hard work – and it only gets harder at the end (although I delivered at 38.2, so I never experienced the actual “end” or 40+). Since most people like to tell you that once you have a baby you’ll never sleep again, I’m going to give you some sleep encouragement. For the last month or so of my pregnancy, sleep was terrible. I was so sore, congested, etc. I could not sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I was terrified of how I was going to take care of newborn in this state. But let me tell you, sleep after baby came out: AMAZING! It wasn’t for long (2ish hour stretches), but I was so comfortable. My ribs, hips, back, sides, and stomach no longer hurt! I could breathe again! When I laid on my stomach the first time it was heaven. I hope this helps you a little bit – can’t wait to meet sweet little Crosby!

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