“Lord I hear you, I know you’re there. Closer now than my skin and bones can dare. Breathing deep within me, you are always with me.
I can see you where eyes can’t stare, brighter now than the sun could ever dare. Breathing all around me, God I know that you are here.”
I knew that once Crosby was born things would be different. I knew that the day I stepped away from the worship platform for a season, that it was only temporary and that I would be in a new season of mommy-hood and another new season of refinement. I knew that once we added our mini me to our world, nothing would be the same. And so far, that’s held true. And I’m ok with it. What I wasn’t expecting was this:
The most profound and positive impact and changes to my time of singing worship and praise and prayer.
As some of you read our birth story, you know that worship was a vital portion of our story. In all honesty, without worship, I wouldn’t have been able to achieve an unmedicated birth (cause really, it was HARD!). From the minute Crosby entered our world my moments of singing praise has taken a new turn.
In the dark and lonely hours of the night, it’s praise that rolls off my tongue. When my little man is fussy or refusing to sleep, we have 3 favorite songs, and We turn up the music and turn on our voices and sing. I’ve never been more aware of my desperate need for Jesus. When the tears fall because I’ve tried all I know to comfort him I have no other option but to sing praise to the one who gave Crosby to me. When I’m beyond tired and nothing makes sense because I don’t recall the last time I slept for more than 2 hours, I have no other option but to sing to the one who sustains me.
“Doesn’t matter what I feel doesn’t matter what I see, my hope will always be in Your promises to me. Now I’m casting out all fear, for Your love has set me free, my hope will always be in Your promises to me.”
More often than not, a tear falls with deeper gratitude for a consistent, faithful, purposeful creator. More often than not my thankfulness becomes so intense that I have no choice but to lift a very empty hand in the darkness and ask to be filled. More often than not while I dance or rock or bounce my miracle baby I’m overwhelmed with His nearness and am baffled at how I’ve missed this type of intimacy for so long.
This. This intimacy is what I was created for. This type of intimacy with our creator who has knit each of us together so precisely and so wonderfully together is what we were all created for. This nearness and intimacy is what creates a lifestyle and life long love affair with a God who is completely crazy about you and me. It’s beautiful, it’s messy, it’s reckless, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced and something I’ve longed for my whole life.
This season of transitioning to a family of 3 and my new role of mommy has increased the desire and calling He’s placed on my life. It came as the most beautiful surprise cause I wasn’t sure my role as a worship leader would continue- but it’s been made so clear that this season is just defining my role and deepening my time with Him in order to be an effective leader.
My life depended on this transition and I didn’t even realize it! I also believe that Crosby’s life depended on this transition. From day 1 he will have seen and heard firsthand the refinement that God did in my life during the early days of his little life. I’m unashamed to allow Crosby to watch the Lord break me and mold me and I’m more than ok with being an example of worship during the good and hard and the secret moments in the dark of the night or the exhaustion in the light of the day!
“Jesus, my Captain my souls trusted Lord. All my allegiance is rightfully yours.”