Celebrating Life 9.24.13

I’m holding and snuggling my newest a little tighter this week as I remember the little(s) I didn’t get to hold.   

 
Having one in my arms has changed my perspective on the 3 we didn’t get to meet. The pain is deeper, yet healed. The pain is present, but not suffocating. I’m more aware of what I’m missing, but it’s bittersweet to know that are cared for far better than I can provide. 

Missing our babes today (7/25, 9/24, 4/25) and beyond thankful for the one I got to meet and I get to hold. Sometimes my words are completely insufficient for all the feelings that surround anniversaries. 

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Repeat Pregnancy Loss will always be a part of me. All 4 of our littles have 100% of my heart- for the rest of my life.

Waiting Well

As I was snuggled up on the sofa chatting with my mother-in-law our conversation turned to our constant state of waiting.

We wait to grow up.

We wait for the “right one”.

We wait for a career.

There are a million things we wait for. We may wait for a day. We may wait for a week. But usually we’re always waiting for something. On this particular day we were all waiting for the arrival of a new little one. The one who was most tasked in waiting was the momma. But as we were chatting about waiting she said something that struck me, in her waiting- was she one that was waiting well. In her waiting was she becoming discontent in not having the control? In the wait was she being patient in the carefully thought out plans the Lord has already purposed? 

  
I am not ashamed to admit I had not waited well for many things in my life. I tried to force relationships that weren’t meant to be, I had gone my own way and played by my own rules simply because I was not willing to wait well. I was not trusting that in my wait that His plans were, in fact, greater. 

When I re-dedicated my life over to the Lord, He had refined my moments of wait and because of my obedience I could clearly see that some of my waiting was over. I reconnected with the man I would marry, I was freed from lots of baggage that I’d been waiting for closure… Many things I’d waited on were supplied. I learned to wait well, because I know that in the wait the reward was better than what I could have planned for myself. I waited well until it came down to having a family and waiting for our take home baby. Often times I had longed to take the wheel and do things my way( type of fertility treatments, trying again after loss), I was even tempted to walk away from something I desired and something I knew God had planned for me…us. My wait was not done well. I kicked and screamed and went through refinement after refinement (loss after loss, obstacle after obstacle). I will even admit that I did not wait wait well during pregnancy. I was impatient and irritable. I wanted to rush things simply due to my lack of trust in the body God gave. A mantra and prayer of thanksgiving I often repeated (even if I didn’t feel it) was a simple prayer of thanking Him for a healthy and strong body. I complained not only to the Lord but my husband. My wait was sloppy at best.

  
But as I sit here reflecting on my wait, I can tell you this: every moment of siting was worth it. Every tear, every scream, every fight, every loss, every impatient plan that fell through and every prayerfully considered treatment option- it was worth it. I’m hoping if we happen to walk down the path of trying for a sibling- that I will have learned to wait well  –  for the reward is precious! And far better than I could have planned myself! 

  

Don’t get me wrong- I am painfully aware that not all stories end like mine. Not everyone gets a baby at the end of the story, not everyone gets the perfectly desired outcome from a season of waiting. But, whatever you are waiting for, are you waiting well?

The Other Side

Being on the “other side” is nothing like I had expected. 

It’s a million times more exhausting than I anticipated. Often in the evenings and late nights I watch as my husband, and Crosby, snooze while I finish cleaning up from a nursing session, or finish pumping (which only occurs 1-2x a day). I watch with jealousy and on occasion resentment- sometimes uttering negativity under my breath. Usually along the lines of how nice that looks and he’s sleeping to rub it in my face- I’m sure of it… I never truly mean it, but after exceptionally long days the taming of my mind and tongue falter. In a moment of weakness after he’d asked what he could do I mumbled hsrshly- nothing! Because you don’t have the boobs!

  
Often times I have a load or two of laundry full of spit up clothes or clothes to be folded and put away (both mine, the husbands and Crosby’s) or a quick snack or meal needing to be inhaled before nursing begins again. I’m realizing how lonely and isolating and exhausting a newborn is. 

I desire so bad to leave the house, but as a first time mom still perfecting our breastfeeding skills (that we practice every 2 short hours) it’s more of a stress. By the time we’re walking out the door the alarm of a sweet cry tells me it’s time to eat again. Then the routine starts back at square one. 

Now I don’t say any of this to complain- I wanted this- I chose this- believe it or not, most days I love it! We’ve just been blessed with a fabulously fussy baby who eats incredibly often and loves to cluster feed at night. This makes for one super sleep deprived momma. Top it off with the (seemingly) normal worries of a first time mom- is he getting enough to eat, is he gaining, is he having the suggested dirty/wet diapers per day, how do I know what he really needs with each squeak and squak and whimper and cry… Am I doing this right, why does this hurt, how do I fix that?…. I’m pretty insecure but, maybe we all are at first? 

More often than not you’ll find Crosby and I rocking out to our favorite worship tunes, usually around 1am – and on occasion you’ll see that I’m accompanied by tears and sniffing as I weep at my weakness and my pleas to the Lord. My begging for increased supply, weight gain in Little C, sleep, begging for Him to reassure me of my shortcomings or asking for more guidance. 

So as I watch each hour pass and I still have a wide-eyed baby nestled into my chest, I’m thankful. I’m exhausted. I’m lonely. Oh my goodness am I lonely. In an age where we have everything we can think of needing/wanting on a tiny little device (iphones, smart phones, iPads, etc) conversation is less and my interaction with the outside world is through social media or text messages. It’s depressing. Usually by the time my husband comes home he’s so wiped out I feel bad that I wanna chat his ear off about naps, breastmilk, spit up… Cause that’s my day. I don’t have anything interesting to discuss….yet!

  
I can clearly see the presence of God in this season, I can clearly see the work and refinement of ME in this new season. I know it will be fruitful. I know that it will be as He has planned. I know that He will be faithful, just as he’s been faithful through so many other seasons. 

Of this I’m certain, as I stay in His presence, I can do this. I can be confident that He will provided, that my flesh will be sustained. That His presence will fill the lonely hole and my heavy eyes will be supplied with the type of rest only He can provide.

Being on the other side is hard, but then I see that cute face and I melt.. I can do this.

  

4 weeks!

I’ve decided just once a month I’ll do a Crosby update. I want this blog to remain as it was and be focused on my everyday about everything not just our newest addition. As my title explains: life, love, Jesus. I’m sure because our newbie is part of our lives there will be plenty of him involved, but I’m intentionally wanting to focus on our lives as a whole… Not just Crosby.

 

Crosby’s Likes: boob. Crosby loves boob time. Seriously, he’s such a little piggy! However, I wish he would gain weight like a piggy! At 4 weeks old he has finally reached his birth weight. The lactation consultant and pediatrician both are not concerned about his weight, but this momma has definitely spent some time stressing. 

He’s eating every 2-2.5 hours and he takes his sweet time nursing. We are exclusively breast feeding, we’ve tried breast milk in bottles and he really doesn’t take it well. It’s the same case with a binki. So basically my boob is the binki. 

Crosby loves being snuggled and held and definitely knows when you lay him down even after he’s asleep! This momma’s arms are tired and I get nothing done. We’re going to start working on using a baby carrier! 

  

Crosby’s Dislikes: getting his butt changed, putting on clothes, waiting for food, bath time. He’s kind of a fussy butt. 

Nicknames: Peanut, bubs, blue eyed baby, Cros, stinker butt, Mr Squeaks.

Weight: finally back up to 8pounds 8oz

How’s momma?: It took a solid 2 weeks to feel 100% back to normal. I was very sore and swollen for the full 2 weeks but as soon as I hit that day I felt amazing. Besides being a little sleep deprived (which has given me a lingering headache since birth) I feel great. Being a momma is the best thing I’ve experienced.

Since we are breast feeding I knew and was prepare for it to be quite the learning curve. We had some initial latch issues, a sleepy baby who didn’t have interest in eating, and I was completely dilusional about how often babies eat. I knew it was often…. But I did not realize it was counted from start time to start time! 

At first I was nursing (and slow poke takes his time, about 30mins – some times 45mins) and then I would pump. I stressed my body out so much that my supply just stopped. So I stopped pumping for a couple weeks. Now we’re back at it. Currently I only pump 1 to 3 times a day. But I don’t push myself and if I don’t get to it, then I don’t get to it. So, we had our fair share of issues but we’ve made it 4 weeks!! If I can manage 4 I can manage 6, if I can manage 6 I can manage more…and we’ll take it day by day.

  

I’m constantly praying over my supply, over his little tummy, his little body, mind and heart. Constantly praying for a healthy little one! 

Life seems to be normalizing, I feel like we’ve got some type of routine, it’s still a little sloppy but I can predict at least a little bit about what our days look like. I’m very lucky to have the support I have. My husband is a champ and he’s learning just as I am. It’s a crazy journey.

I still can’t help but stare at his tiny little toes and perfect little face and I’m blown away that God is so faithful. I’ve been given this perfect little gift. Strangely enough, I think I’m excited to do it again. I loved my pregnancy, although hard… I loved our birth, and now I’m loving this new season. He’s a miracle and even if I’m only one who still sees it, I’m beyond grateful for this gift.

 

It’s amazing to me that on Sept 7 it will have been 3 years since the surgery that was botched and should have hindered us from having kids…..ever. 3 losses later I almost believed it to be our fate. But now my days are filled with spit up in my hair and my nights filled with sweet snuggles!!