12 Weeks!

Dear Crosby,

I sit here in silence as you nap and I am in awe of how amazing you are. I’m sure every momma says that to their kids, but truly. You have challenged your daddy and I in ways we never even knew possible. You’re making us both aware of the selfishness we have deeply rooted in us. You’re making us communicate in ways (or argue and resolve issues) that we’ve never known before. You’ve brought out a side of me I never knew I had. I trust you, you trust me. I pray continually that we can always trust each other.

I am so proud of what you accomplish each day. I am proud of the new things you attempt to do. I am proud of the success you’ve found in experimenting with your hands, feet, body, and voice! Your personality is uplifting and contagious! You are so smart!

You are the light in my life. You are loved, deeply!

Love you always,

C4

Crosby’s Likes: He’s a dude. Boobies for days. He’ll stare at them and smile if I even mention the boobs. I’m raising him well. HA! So along with that, he really likes to eat πŸ™‚ He loves to smile, he LOVES funny faces and noises. He’s becoming more aware of many noises so he startles easily on occasion and gets scared sometimes if he can’t find the source of the noise. This kid seriously has a deep love for water, which is awesome. He loves bath time and is incredibly good at flooding the bathroom already. So far it’s adorable. Maybe later, not so much? He also has a love for TV, this is new. I used to have HGTV on during the days to keep the house not so quiet. I have now transitioned to having that darn thing off all day because it’s distracting to him. Now I play music all day! I’m not a huge fan of screen time for littles, but sometimes I gotta give in a little during sports games. It just works out that way. It’s not my fav but, at least it’s incredibly limited.

C2

Crosby’s Dislikes: Crosby is not particualry fond of the schedule we tried for many many weeks. He fights it tooth and nail and then it just throws everything off. He does not like it when I am on my phone, or trying to take pictures. It takes a lot of work and picture after picture to capture his true personality. The great thing is that he’s holding me accountable to be intentional. There’s not much he doesn’t like, which is great. 9 times out of 10 he is easy to soothe when needed. Generally he is a happy baby. But his moments of not happy are…. HARD.

We still have a reflux issue. However it has improved SO much. It’s pretty rare he experiences pain or discomfort. But again, if it’s bad, it’s really bad.

Crosby’s Milestones/Development: He holds his head up exceptionally well and for great lengths of time. He is doing great when trying to sit in a bumbo.

  
 

He loves to chat away with people and all of his toys. Heck he thinks the walls and the ceiling fan is funny. Every now and then we’ll hear a little chuckle emerge. It’s adorable. He’s attempting to grasp at toys when held out to him and he’s flapping those arms to hit toys that dangle from his activity mat. His legs are always going a million miles an hour and he’s loving standing and putting weight on those new muscles (obviously not unassisted). He’s currently going through another developmental Leap. As soon as he comes out on the other side his movements should be more fluid and less rigid. He’ll come out with a whole new set of skills and I love seeing new things emerge each day!

Nicknames: Mr. Chunk-a-muffin, punkin’ butt, Sir Pees/Poops A Lot, Sir Poopy Pants, Sneezy McPoopy Pants, Bubs, Cros.

  

Weight: last week he was 13 pounds 6oz. He’s been consistently gaining almost 2oz a day so this week I’m assuming he’s at 14 pounds, perhaps maybe a little more.

  

How’s Momma?: I’m doing really well. Sleep still seems to be a mythical activity, but I’m not really expecting things to change. I’m absolutely loving breastfeeding. It’s by far one of my most favorite activities with him. He’s turned into a great nurser and I’m SO happy to be past our obstacles and challenges we faced early on. 

I had always expected mommy hood would be an easy transition for me. I had always wanted to be a mommy and I had it in my head that I  knew it would be hard. Well I didn’t really know. It’s been a much more challenging transition than I had expected. I’m often staring at feelings of defeat or failure. I’m not as confident as I expected. I’m constantly second guessing my choices and concerned about whether this or that is truly best for Crosby and our family. 

But each day I’ve learned something new. And some days I feel like I totally dropped the ball, then other days I feel like super woman! You know, those days where you did all the laundry, kept the child alive, cleaned the entire kitchen, and somehow managed to keep myself well fed too! So, I’m learning and adjusting to this new life!

  
Last week I placed my notice at work. After further conversation, we’ve decided that for now my leave has been extended through January 2016. If it’s best for our family I’ll return to my current employer in a new position. However, we’re also open to the idea of allowing me to stay home full time. 

I cannot believe that 12 weeks have flown by. He’ll be in college before I can blink, I’m certain of it! 

And because everyone loves babies in costumes, I’ll leave you with this:

  

Lately…

Lately here’s the scoop… Here’s the happenings of life over here….

Apparently it’s now fall… My tree says so… however the weather is BEAUTIFUL!

Fall

My sweet and very much-loved Grandpa passed away on Oct 14th, late afternoon. He was a good man, he loved his wife and his family well. He is very missed already. I am beyond thankful he is no longer in pain or suffering the ailments of this world.

Gpa

My Mom came back to Spokane to see her dad, selfishly I loved having here, it lifted my spirits and got me out of my funk. Sometimes a girl just needs her Momma. ‘Nuff said.

mom+c

Crosby is packing on the pounds, or so I think… Either way he knows exactly how to make me smile, exactly how to make me worry, and exactly how to make me proud.

Cman1

We had his baby dedication on Sunday the 18th of October and he couldn’t have looked any cuter, in my opinion!

M+C Family

And, everyone loves weddings, little C especially! It was nice and busy. Lots to take in so naturally he fell asleep.

Wedding

I ended up not participating at all on Oct. 15th. I had intentions of lighting my candles, pulling out my Colton box and being at peace and honoring our losses and standing with the world for Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance. But… I couldn’t. I didn’t want to go backwards. So.. Selfishly I ignored it. I didn’t post anything, I didn’t light my candles and I didn’t send out words of encouragement. Basically I was pretending as if nothing ever happened.

This….

Cman

This is what I want to remember. This is what I want to celebrate. I’m too afraid I’ll lose him too, so all I want to do is focus on what I have now and not go backwards. I love this dude, and it’s because of him I’m healing more and more each day.

When RPL/IF & PPD collide

It’s seems a little backwards that when you’ve suffered through loss after loss then a struggle to even become pregnant- postpartum depression shows up. All of a sudden you find yourself thinking: I don’t even like my baby.

What?! How does one simply not like what they’ve longed for? Paid hundreds, heck thousands of dollars to get here, and safely! How does one sit and stare at the beautiful blessing and feel resentment? 

I have a feeling the problem lies somewhere between running on 2(ish) hours of sleep a day and the sudden drop in endorphins. For weeks I basked in how proud and accomplished I felt. Wonder Woman didn’t even come close to how amazing I felt. I birthed my baby, and I did it well! He is beautiful, he is healthy, we did good! But then 8, almost 9 weeks has passed and the sleep deprivation sets in, another growth spurt happens, your little is experiencing changes and learning so fast that he doesn’t know what to do with all these feelings. Your weight hasn’t changed in weeks and you realize now your just… Fluffy. You’d exercise but…. Let’s be honest after only sleeping 2 hours you’d rather binge watch HGTV or catch up on laundry, but heaven forbid you lay the little rascal down to have some me time- you sneak away- hallelujah!! He’s asleep. But give it 3 minutes when he realizes he’s not being held- let the screaming begin.

  
Did I mention we have a reflux issue? 

Ok- so I’m ranting, maybe even complaining… But I sit and stare at this beautiful miracle and my joy feels gone. And the guilt sets in. The lack of interest replaces that spunk you had- when just weeks ago I was fearless, I was intoxicated with intense love and joy and so many wonderful emotions.

As I poured out a sliver of my heart to a new friend (which I’m not sure she even knows how valuable and SO needed her friendship and support has been, a true godsend!) I said- I’m embarrassed… Someone like me, someone who’s struggled to get our sweetness here, shouldn’t be struggling… With this. When I told her I wanted to just give up breastfeeding and give up on our current work on schedules she quickly assured me that that didn’t sound like the normal me… And I agree, ask anyone- I’m beyond passionate about breastfeeding. I love my baby- but somethings just not right. I’m ashamed. I’m sad. I’m struggling. And I don’t know why and I don’t like it. 

There’s really no reason to feel the way I feel. There is nothing traumatic, nothing wrong. Besides the fact that we’ve been blessed with a more difficult baby. Yes, he’s generally happy and he’s healthy, but boy is he hard, and I strictly blame it on the reflux. The reflux has been our biggest obstacle, and because I am determined and passionate about breastfeeding for, at the very least, one year I have been picking apart my diet. Cutting this or that and perhaps even this out of my diet has left me with very little I get to enjoy. And on occasion when I say screw it, I slather on the ranch dressing or eat some delicious pizza, I regret within minutes. Knowing that it’s not just my body that’s impacting. 

It’s exhausting… Everyone warns you, and I knew it would be hard and require sacrifice… The sacrifices it has required are far from what I expected. The “hard” is far from what I expect. It all looks a little different. And that’s ok. 

So- when it’s 2am, and my baby needs me once again, I roll my eyes and fulfill his needs, but my heart is bitter. For.no.reason at all. It’s sad, it’s lonely, the guilt is overwhelming.

Repeat Loss wins again. Ashamed for what you feel because you think you shouldn’t be feeling this.

But then I see this… And my heart melts and I am so thankful for the hard. I’d rather it be hard than not have him at all. This is real life. It’s hard, it’s messy, it’s worth it. 

  

8 Weeks!

You don’t give Yourself in pieces, You don’t hide Yourself to tease us.

Dear Crosby,

One of my favorite songs to sing to you right now is “Jesus loves me”. Except, I’ve changed “me” to “you”. If there is one thing I want you to always know is His reckless, crazy, radical love for you. Yes, you. It will never change. It will never fade, it will never cease. It’s pure, it’s perfect, it’s all you’ll ever need. I need you to know that. Your momma didn’t learn it for a quite some time and I spent far too much time looking for it. He will love you far better and far longer and with perfection for the rest of your days.

You’ve changed my life, you’ve challenged me. You’ve shown me my imperfections and selfishness. You’ve taught me how to love, you’ve taught me how to laugh at the really hard things. You’ve taught me how to hold my tongue. Most importantly you’ve shown me how to love your daddy better too. You’ve shown me how to prioritize and truly know what is important, what can wait, and how to cherish the moments that are passing far too fast.

Each day I hold you and you’ve changed, you’re bigger, you’re stronger, you’re smarter. And one day, you wont need me. One day you might not want me. So, I’m gonna hold you close and pray over your tiny little body, your tiny little mind and your tiny little heart – Β one day you won’t be so tiny and I’ll still be praying.

He loves you, Crosby. I don’t want either of us to ever forget that.

He is for YOU.

Love you always…

319f6b989bb67454d2fa7d1973e1a0ab

Crosby’s Likes: He still loves his boobies. Seriously, this kid is a true oinker and his weight it finally showing it. He’s gaining on average almost 2 oz a day which is perfect! He is just shy of 12 lbs now and starting to get a few rolls. We happen to have a long baby! He is now 24 inches long, that’s 3 inches in length since birth! No wonder this boy loves his sleep. Unless he’s beyond tired then… we don’t sleep. We cry. All of us. We all cry.

We’ve recently introduced a flexible schedule and he is now eating every 3 hours unless he happens to be hungry earlier. He is responding fantastically to our new routine, and I’m happy that we are all starting to get a little more sleep! Having a consistent schedule has made a huge impact on his fussiness and his reflux. He has always been generally happy but now he’s just incredibly sweet and snuggly and all smiles 90% of the time! He takes a bottle (breast milk) well, however it’s incredibly rare that he receives a bottle (maybe once every couple of weeks?). So, for the most part we are exclusively breast-feeding. We did run into a reflux issue which we have narrowed down to a milk/dairy protein sensitivity. The LC said it is most likely temporary but for now, it means this momma has pulled out all the stops to make sure my diet is in check (I’ve tried cheating, just look at the bags under my eyes today for the proof that cheating is just not worth it, for me or Crosby), I’ve also gained some great positions for burping him, holding him, and nursing him. So, overall we’ve seen a HUGE improvement, although I’m pretty sure we do more laundry than anyone I know cause he still spits up pretty frequently.

Improvement – He loves bath time now! YIPPY! However he doesn’t like being chilly afterwards so we rush to get him dressed! He especially loves baths with me πŸ™‚

Crosby’s Dislikes: Waiting for food πŸ™‚ Gas pains, reflux. He doesn’t like it when things hurt (I don’t blame him one bit, and its usually always my fault when the reflux is bad… poor baby).

Crosby’s Milestones/Development:Β Crosby can hold his head up very well, he is batting at his little friends that hang from his activity mat, he loves to smile and coo and squeak and squawk at himself in a mirror and also back at me or his daddy. He is incredibly conversational. He tracks things with his eyes and turns to look at noises from different directions. He is doing very well with all the milestones he should be meeting. I couldn’t be more proud. I love that I can see something new that he’s learned every day! It’s amazing!

Nicknames:Β Chunk-a-muffin, peanut, bubs, boyfriend, sweetpea!

Weight: Just shy of 12 pounds!

How’s Momma?:Β I am 100% healed and back to my normal self. I am not down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but in due time, I’m sure! We still have our occasional latch issues (usually when we try to introduce a binki), I probably pump after feedings about 3-4x a week, and its usually just 1-2x a day. So not very often and because it’s after nursing I usually only get an extra ounce or two max. I am still struggling with a postpartum headache, some days are better than others, so perhaps it’s on its way out! I hope! I still worry about my supply but I choose to trust in the wet and dirty diaper rules and based on his weight I think I produce just enough to keep my baby happy and healthy.

Breast-feeding has been by far the biggest obstacle and hardest thing we’ve done together. I’ve been determined to continue and each passing week we achieve milestones and are successful. Each week we get better and better. Even though it’s been incredibly hard – it’s been worth every single tear and struggle. I am still just as passionate about it today as I was before I even started. I’m proud of the hard work we’ve put in and it’s clearly paying off!

Some days I find myself struggling, especially when I realize I haven’t showered or spent any time alone in a few days, or on days when my best effort is changing my clothes and brushing my teeth. I think it’s all normal, each new momma has to find her balance and routine. Because he can be considered a little needy, or “hard” to some it just took us a little longer to find our flow. I’m very thankful for the time I’ve been able to take off work and spend my days with him and learn together. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

8 weeks flew by! I just can’t even believe it. Over the last 4 weeks I also became an auntie again!! Yippy! I love being an auntie! He is just perfect!

Cousins, exactly 6 weeks apart!

Today, my sweet sweet Grandpa starts chemo. If you are the praying type be praying for him, the family, for healing, for strength. He has a long road ahead of him and we all hope this gives him more time to spend with family and enjoying time with the ones he loves!

Happy Down Syndrome Awareness Month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month!!!!!!

Β dsawarenessmagnetΒ  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β d01d0d88c6ef3f54883e0647d7f6f8fb