When RPL/IF & PPD collide

It’s seems a little backwards that when you’ve suffered through loss after loss then a struggle to even become pregnant- postpartum depression shows up. All of a sudden you find yourself thinking: I don’t even like my baby.

What?! How does one simply not like what they’ve longed for? Paid hundreds, heck thousands of dollars to get here, and safely! How does one sit and stare at the beautiful blessing and feel resentment? 

I have a feeling the problem lies somewhere between running on 2(ish) hours of sleep a day and the sudden drop in endorphins. For weeks I basked in how proud and accomplished I felt. Wonder Woman didn’t even come close to how amazing I felt. I birthed my baby, and I did it well! He is beautiful, he is healthy, we did good! But then 8, almost 9 weeks has passed and the sleep deprivation sets in, another growth spurt happens, your little is experiencing changes and learning so fast that he doesn’t know what to do with all these feelings. Your weight hasn’t changed in weeks and you realize now your just… Fluffy. You’d exercise but…. Let’s be honest after only sleeping 2 hours you’d rather binge watch HGTV or catch up on laundry, but heaven forbid you lay the little rascal down to have some me time- you sneak away- hallelujah!! He’s asleep. But give it 3 minutes when he realizes he’s not being held- let the screaming begin.

  
Did I mention we have a reflux issue? 

Ok- so I’m ranting, maybe even complaining… But I sit and stare at this beautiful miracle and my joy feels gone. And the guilt sets in. The lack of interest replaces that spunk you had- when just weeks ago I was fearless, I was intoxicated with intense love and joy and so many wonderful emotions.

As I poured out a sliver of my heart to a new friend (which I’m not sure she even knows how valuable and SO needed her friendship and support has been, a true godsend!) I said- I’m embarrassed… Someone like me, someone who’s struggled to get our sweetness here, shouldn’t be struggling… With this. When I told her I wanted to just give up breastfeeding and give up on our current work on schedules she quickly assured me that that didn’t sound like the normal me… And I agree, ask anyone- I’m beyond passionate about breastfeeding. I love my baby- but somethings just not right. I’m ashamed. I’m sad. I’m struggling. And I don’t know why and I don’t like it. 

There’s really no reason to feel the way I feel. There is nothing traumatic, nothing wrong. Besides the fact that we’ve been blessed with a more difficult baby. Yes, he’s generally happy and he’s healthy, but boy is he hard, and I strictly blame it on the reflux. The reflux has been our biggest obstacle, and because I am determined and passionate about breastfeeding for, at the very least, one year I have been picking apart my diet. Cutting this or that and perhaps even this out of my diet has left me with very little I get to enjoy. And on occasion when I say screw it, I slather on the ranch dressing or eat some delicious pizza, I regret within minutes. Knowing that it’s not just my body that’s impacting. 

It’s exhausting… Everyone warns you, and I knew it would be hard and require sacrifice… The sacrifices it has required are far from what I expected. The “hard” is far from what I expect. It all looks a little different. And that’s ok. 

So- when it’s 2am, and my baby needs me once again, I roll my eyes and fulfill his needs, but my heart is bitter. For.no.reason at all. It’s sad, it’s lonely, the guilt is overwhelming.

Repeat Loss wins again. Ashamed for what you feel because you think you shouldn’t be feeling this.

But then I see this… And my heart melts and I am so thankful for the hard. I’d rather it be hard than not have him at all. This is real life. It’s hard, it’s messy, it’s worth it. 

  

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12 thoughts on “When RPL/IF & PPD collide

  1. Thank you for such an honest post. I am still on the no-baby side of IF and sometimes I fear that once I get pregnant and have a baby, I still wont feel fulfilled. My own Mom, who is the best Mom on the face of this planet (totally biased, I know) admits herself that when all three of her children were born, she was not in love with us immediately. In fact, even though she loved us, she really didn’t like us as infants. We were selfish and needy. She admits that of course she did anything for us, but it wasn’t until we started to communicate with her (around 1-2 years old) that she truly fell in love with her children. Our personality, who we are and who we would become. I guess my point is, your honesty is so pure and real. And so many people feel the way you do. And you love your little boy to pieces, but it’s totally “real” to be annoyed at being woken up at 2am every night. ๐Ÿ™‚ BTW – your baby is adorable!!!!!

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  2. Your honesty is beautiful. I suspect many people transitioning from RPL/IF to full time mommy have similar struggles. I think it’s so important that you (and others, including myself) do not hold ourselves to a higher standard simply because of the struggle it takes to get to your little one.
    I do hope you are talking to your doctor about your struggles, there is nothing to be ashamed of when you struggle with adjusting to your new role as sleep deprived full-time mom. I do hope your days get better and soon you start to get a bit more sleep.

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  3. this is a very real part of postpartum. everyone, even our dr., told me that it was great i was feeling so good but to “just wait” and the sleep deprivation would kick in and life would not be a “dreamy”. i didn’t believe it. not me. then BAM – the wall. it happened. maeve went through almost a month of not wanting to be left on the ground or not being held. i struggled at this stage. it was hard to constantly be needed. no matter how long you waited and wanted to have your baby, it’s hard. i think we think we have to be superhuman and enjoy every single moment no matter what just because we’ve waited so long for our babies but truth is, it sucks! i can speak from experience though, the hard stages pass quickly and the best is yet to come. the 4th month is an incredible time of change and learning. maeve is 5 and half months old now and she is so fun it’s unbelievable. some days i think my heart will explode with the love i have for her. so hang in there mama, you are doing a great job!

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  4. I love your raw and honest post! I think you are doing good momma! Your thoughts and feelings are so normal so don’t beat yourself up and feel guilty about them. Love you lots and text me anytime!!!!

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  5. I haven’t had the same problems as you, but if I can offer you a little reassurance about one thing-the “don’t ever put me down!” Thing gets better. My girl now naps very well on her own, will sit in her jumperoo for a while, and wiggle on her playmat for twenty minutes at a time. A lot of the time it’s because I’m playing and singing to her, but it’s baby steps!

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  6. You are not alone. I dealt with post partum anxiety with reflux after my son was born. In learning about PPD and PPA I found that women like us who went through infertility and especially recurrent loss have higher chances of facing these issues. After seeking out a therapist as well as being put on some medication by my OB my PPA is under control and I feel so much more like myself and like the mommy I need to be for my son. As for the reflux, we suffered for a good while before I finally broke down in tears and called my doctor to tell him that the natural ways of dealing with it were not working. He prescribed a small dose of Zantac and my son is a completely different babyโ€ฆ Happy, smiling, Night and day. I’m so glad to read that you’re seeing your doctor soon about this and I’m sending up a prayer for you. You’re doing a fantastic job!

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  7. I too worry that after dealing with loss and IF that I will also deal with these very same feelings after our little guy arrives. I mean I already feel bad that my hubby has taken on so many more things while I have been pregnant. I know I won’t want to burden him after he has been at work all day after baby arrives. I guess it’s a matter of talking to someone about it and not holding it in. I think it’s wonderful of you to be so honest so that others in the same position know it happens and they are not alone. Prayers for better days to come for you and your precious little boy ๐Ÿ™‚
    (http://isittimeforourfamily.blogspot.com/)

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  8. Oh gosh, I soooooo get this. What I didn’t know is that there is something very similar to Postpartum called Post Adoption…no one told me about that. I always assumed I’d be at risk for PPD due to my history with anxiety and depression plus infertile women struggle more frequently with PPD. When I adopted my BEAUTIFUL baby boy, I was ready to feel head over heels in love and out of my mind with joy and happiness. But what I actually felt was sadness, frustration, anger…I couldn’t understand. I, like you, dealt with reflux and we had colic for a while too. All I can really say is trust that it will get better for your son, so take care of yourself and know that in a few months this will be distant memories. I hope your doctor can help you feel more like yourself soon. Don’t pile on the guilt mama, this is NOT your fault!

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  9. The guilt is the hardest part that has never stopped since having S. Feeling guilty for being tired, for losing your temper, for crying, for not doing the 400 things a day that make you a “good parent”, for not being perfect. I struggle every damn day thinking that the times I wasn’t my best self that day are the things that will shape her and that she’ll remember. We lay so much pressure on ourselves. I try to tell myself when I’m not perfect that I’m still learning, it’s what I tell S when she’s having a hard time. I’ve never been a mother to this little girl at this age before. But I love the crap out of her and I continue to try and rise to her needs and she will remember that. Even if I don’t do it perfectly all the time. Giving myself the grace to not be perfect is a constant in my head. Head up Wonder Woman.

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  10. Our journeys have been very similar from the forget go: from miscarriage dates to pregnancy, child birth and issues with feeding. I too suffered from ppd and it was by far the most difficult aspect of the whole journey. I felt like such a failure for working so hard to have my dreams come true, only to feel like my dream wasn’t really anything that I wanted. Admitting to yourself that you are struggling is such a big step, admitting it to the world is HUGE. It doesn’t mean much whether or not I think you are doing a great job (you are doing amazing), what matters is that you know you are doing a great job. It sounds to me like you know you are the best momma you can be, but sometimes you get overwhelmed with guilt and depression. If you want to pm me your number on Facebook I’m always available if you need to talk, vent, escape. We probably keep pretty similar hours lol.

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  11. I’m sorry I’ve been so far behind and a terrible commenter. I’m right there with you, and I even have a post drafted about this. It’s so hard sometimes – this baby thing, and then I feel so guilty about not loving being a mom all the time. No advice, just hugs.

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