I’ve always felt like I’m pretty flexible. I like to be on the go, I’m incredibly social and running around to social activities has never been a burden. Even with toting my little one around. I’ve managed to still be relatively flexible and still attend some social activities.
On Tuesday we were greeted with a wind storm. It wasn’t just a blustery day. We had gusts of wind ranging from 50-80mph! Within hours there were giant pine trees topeled over homes, power lines crashed into the streets, and misc. lawn items in the neighbors yard. Many people were left with little to no shingles or gaping holes in their roofs. There were even 2 reported deaths. I spent the majority of the day praying over our home and terrified that a tree was going to topple right into our home. At one point during the day the power flickered on and off. But come 4:30pm the house went dark… And stayed dark.
As I’m typing this, we’ve yet to have our powered restored. The first night wasn’t too bad. We snuggled up with many blankets and thought for sure it would pop back on at any moment. Well, come sunrise it was cold. Very cold. Crosby’s little hands were cold. So we packed up as much as we could and drove around searching for something warm to drink! (Hello Starbucks and a 20 minute wait in line!)
It wasn’t long after seeking warmth at my sister in laws house that Crosby’s attitude started to go downhill – along with mine.
After a long (hard) day that was polar opposite of our normal routine, we were exhausted and still without power. It was time to figure out where we were going to sleep and see if any friends or family had freezer space for our recent Costco haul and freezer meals. It felt like a mad scramble to disperse our stuff and pack an overnight bag.
*i might add how incredibly thankful I am to have so many friends reach out and offer their homes and freezers. We felt well loved and incredibly cared for!
We finally got settled in at my Aunt and Uncles home (THANK YOU JESUS!). Poor little Crosby was yet again thrown for a loop when we attempted bed time. I’ll spare you the horrible details but this poor kid has probably only had 2-4 hours of solid sleep since our power outage.
Fast forward to this morning C and I were both in tears. At first I found myself angry. Angry at my child for not sleeping. I was frustrated because all of this was hard on me and he was making things more inconvenient. I found myself grumbling and complaining about how I wanted to be able to just sleep, or relax, or eat a decent meal. Let’s be honest, these are all very inconvenient first world problems. I soon realized how selfish I was being. I was slowly seeing how wrong in my thinking I was and how spoiled I sounded, even to myself. Like I was entitled to things going my way! It didn’t dawn on me that my child’s behavior was most likely his protest and confusion because it was and is hard on him. Everything he knows keeps changing. Shame on me for acting as if my emotions and thoughts were the only thing that mattered.
I’m realizing more and more that everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I eat, drink, and think is not about me anymore. It’s a good realization, and one that I’ve known but hadn’t really known until Crosby came along.
I was completely ashamed and broken at my sudden awareness of my (almost constant) complaining. I hate complaining and here I was throwing a pity party…again. My deepest desire is, and has always been, to have a content spirit. To be graceful and restful in Gods provision. I was brokenhearted when I also realized my lack of intimacy with Him.
The transition of my newest title, Mommy, has been nothing like I had expected. I operated under the impression that since I wanted this so badly, that it would come naturally and gracefully. Instead it came in and wrecked me. Just like this giant wind storm came and quickly wrecked our homes and yards. For some it started us back at square one. Homes demolished and flattened. Just like my heart. Smooshed to almost nothing.
I now have a beautiful opportunity to choose how to move forward. What’s great about our God is we are never a lost cause. Me moving forward with an open heart means He gets to move and do things in my life. It means that He can mold me into being more graceful, more content, more restful and trusting.
Being in this new season I’m learning to die to myself more than I had before, and it is good. I’m just getting stretch marks along the way.
And as an even more wonderful side note: my little man decided he really needed a nap and is finally catching up on some ZzZz’s!