It still exists

I could feel him wiggling right beside me. I opened my eyes and I saw two big blue ones peering at me and tiny little hands reaching for my face. That was a good nap, I thought to myself. Still kinda sleepy I text my husband and asked if I could sleep a little longer and he play with Crosby. Just another 1/2 hour. My eyes fell shut again and my mind started wandering back to this subject: grief. 

Colton would be just shy of 16 months.

Baby Brooks #2 would be just shy of 21 months.

My sweet Flower (#1) would be 2 next month.

These three are very rarely discussed anymore. It’s easy to forget about, if I’m honest. Crosby is quite the handful and he keeps me quite entertained, busy, and distracted. But sometimes when frustration or exhaustion kicks in I’ve been guilty of wondering if just maybe one of the others would have been “easier”. 

It’s been quite easy to push away the pain and memories of the little ones we lost before Crosby came. But every now and then I’m still blindsided by the grief. It’s not all consuming, infact I rarely cry over it anymore. It’s changed overtime, for that I’m grateful, but it still exists.

My grief still exists. It hasn’t disappeared. 

As I have the joy of my sweet Crosby, there are gaping holes of what I’ve missed out on with my other 3. I long for the day I get to meet them. 

Maybe this topic came to mind as I near Easter, and anniversaries and “should have been” birthday’s. I tend to retreat inside myself at Easter. It brings a lot of joy and pain. Maybe it’s the kick off of my annual March of Dimes, March for Babies fundraising. The walk falls on the second anniversary of learning sweetColton went to be with Jesus. Who knows. But, I know it’s important for me to address this. Just cause I have my miracle, doesn’t mean I don’t miss what’s gone.

“When you lose something you can’t find it, I know exactly where my wife {my/your baby(ies)} is” -Monty Williams

A perfect reminder, my littles aren’t lost I know  where they are. And I’m anxious to join them! 

   
 

Happy Half Birthday Bubs

  
Dear Crosby,
6 months flew by in one quick blink of an eye. How on earth did my (not so tiny) tiny baby grow so fast, right in front of me? 

You my sweet one are a wild one with such a sweet sweet heart. The way your eyes light up when you meet my gaze, or the sheer joy and wiggles you get when Daddy walks in the door after a long week away- it all melts my heart like butter. I find myself scooping my heart up off the floor multiple times a day. 

You are fierce. You are stubborn. You are hilarious, handsome, you are strong willed and so spirited. You’ve kept me on my toes with your nap strikes, your nursing strikes, your restlessness and your desire to snuggle for hours! This momma heart has expanded far beyond my expectations and each day makes more room for love. 

God has great big things planned for you. I have a feeling it will be in leadership or entertainment, perhaps you’ll even have the gift of healing. I’m not sure- but I can promise you, I’m on my face frequently asking that our God helps me mold you into the child, the man you’re meant to be for His Glory! 

You’ve wrecked me and I love you with every inch of my being.

Love always, 

Your momma

  
Crosby’s Likes:

  • Bath time
  • Boobies
  • Puppies
  • Kitties
  • Laughing
  • Being tickled
  • Singing
  • Playing peek-a-boo

  
Crosby’s Disklikes:

  • Strangers holding him or getting too close to his face on occasion
  • Loud noises that he cannot locate or see how/why the noise is being made
  • Getting out of the bath
  • Mildly protests wardroom changes

Milestones:

  • Sitting unassisted for decent lengths of time. Still falls over on occasion.
  • Showing interest in attempting hands and knees position for crawling. 
  • Rolls successfully everywhere and any way.
  • Talks non-stop
  • Transferring items from one hand to the other and fascinated at how he did it haha!

  
 
Nicknames: Bubs, Crozzy, Buddy, Chubbers, chunk-a-muffin

Weight/Stats: 

  • 20lbs
  • 28 inches long 
  • Wears mostly 9m and 9-12m clothing

  
“Don’t worry mom, I got this thing figured out” 

We’re getting ready to dive into solids for reals! Which means I’ve completely given up on introducing bottles and we’ve now moved on to sippy cups. He is showing a tremendous improvement in the sleep department, thank you Jesus! We couldn’t be more thrilled with a happy, healthy, thriving little boy 💙

On another note:

We’re still renovating a room in our house. It’s great. However, the project just got bigger.

  • Adding hardwood/laminate flooring to the main level and new tv/playroom (originally we planned on carpeting only the ONE new room) 

 

  • Painting brick fireplace and current living room because well, why not paint when the room is emptied for demo.

  Top- before        Bottom- after/during
So- basically everything is on hold because……… The husband is still working away. Start of week 9 (!!!!!!) that he’s been working in another city 2.5+ hours away (which isn’t tooooo bad). We say goodbye Monday mornings and say Hello on Thursday nights. It could be worse. But, it could definitely be better. However, this job is what’s allowing me to stay home AND for us to make improvements on our home. It’s a blessing in the long run. 

Can’t wait for all the before and after pics of all the finished projects! Everything will be continued and finished once he returns home for good! Hopefully mid March!

   
Good Season Boys! Until next season, #KeepPounding 💙