When it comes to number 2

And no… I’m not talking about poop. As a momma it’s easy to assume the conversation will always end on a poo discussion.. But this comes to BABY number 2.

I EBF my boy, Crosby, for the 6 six months of his life and then we added solids. He still nursed, and continues to nurse to this day. However, at 7.5 month PP I got my lovely cycle back. During my whole PP phase we never decided to use any form of birth control (for many reasons I don’t think I need to explain). So we definitely were not “trying” but we weren’t protecting either. We are totally ok with the second baby coming whenever (BAHAHA insert nieve thinking here). Well, as you’ve guessed, there’s no “bun in the oven”. Once my cycle returned we jumped straight into actively trying. I am now on cycle number 6.

I can’t say I’m overly optimistic. I’m absolutely terrified of another loss – even after having a perfectly healthy baby. I’m baffled and discouraged that I feel like I am back at square one. But I also have guilt and shame – because – well.. I have ONE baby. I got what I wanted – how dare I be selfish and wish for more and then be heart broken that it’s not happening on my timeline. But, I am clouded with the thoughts of “what if”…

  • what if I can’t have another
  • what if I need fertility treatments again
  • what if I have another miscarriage… or heaven forbid more than one
  • what if I don’t have any eggs left
  • what if…

The list can go on and on.

6 cycles is nothing.. but as a recovering RPLer and fertility treatment junky it’s making me scratch my head.

So, here we go. My first step is going to be a naturopathic fertility specialist. Since I am still breastfeeding and don’t plan on weaning until AT LEAST 18 months I would like to continue on the natural side of things if possible. Once my son is weaned, if we have still not yet had any glimmer of hope for baby number 2, I imagine we will go directly back to SRM – Spokane.

I’ve always wanted 3 kiddos… That’s what our dream was… But the older I get the more I find myself convincing myself and my hubby that just maybe ONE will be enough… My heart doesn’t believe it yet… My heart doesn’t feel complete yet. There are more babies to housed in this body of mine.. I’m just terrified that I won’t get to bring them all home.

 

Advertisements

Crosby Turns One

Dear Crosby,

One.Full.Year.

Unbelievable. They tell you it goes fast. They say that you’ll blink and you’ll be in college. I believe every single word they say. You, sweet boy, are so sassy, stubborn, spirited, funny, wild, loving, determined and crazy! I can’t help but melt every single time I look at you. I never knew my heart could expand the way it has over the last year.

I’m a little late writing this. Mostly because, well you are very busy right now. You do so much. Then during your naps I “reset” our spaces and get a few things done that publishing a blog has been low on the list.

I never knew that God would be gracious enough to let us have you. After our wild journey to have you I’m continually blown away at his mercy. I hope and pray that every day you are continually reminded of His perfect plan and that He is completely FOR you. Always. Never ever does He make a mistake in the plans He has for your life. You WILL do great things. Of this, I am 100% certain.

I’ve loved watching you grow, be challenged with new tasks to learn, milestones to reach, all the while your eyes are filled with wonder. Never lose that sense of wonder. Be a dreamer and while you’re at it… Dream BIG.

I love you more than you’ll ever know…

Love you always,

The Momma

IMG_8973

Weight: Crosby is 23lbs and 31 inches tall – He wears some pretty snug 12m pj’s and then is almost exclusively in 18m clothing and some 18-24m clothing.

Wordsmama, dada, cat (sorta, haha!), up, dog, and we’re pretty certain you said “done” last night at dinner. There is absolutely no consistency with your words. However, you are getting incredibly good at signing “please” and “more”. You will have manners, sweet one.

IMG_8467

Teeth: You have 7 choppers to help you hoarf down all that yummy food you’ve been eating! Your first dentist appointment was amazing, all looks perfect and healthy!

Sleep/Naps: You are taking 2-ish naps a day and sleeping a full-uninterrupted 12 hrs at night. It’s glorious. I’m amazed and proud and momma isn’t so cray-cray now that you are sleeping through the night!

IMG_9311

That belly though 🙂

Nicknames: Chobby, Chubbers, Bubba, baby, Crozzy, Dobby, and whatever else comes outta my mouth. But Chobby takes the lead right now.

Milestones:

  • Cruising furniture – took two independent steps (TODAY!!)
  • Clapping
  • Dancing
  • very good listener
  • will bring me objects without prompting
  • has attempted taking an interest in drawing at my Saturday morning momma group
  • loves being involved with the cooking and baking of his food
  • Can identify who people are in pictures (really only himself, momma, and daddy)
  • Is great at a 3 piece puzzle
  • loves matching the shapes in the hole of his toys
  • loves using anything as a hat and attempting to put on sunglasses 🙂

So many things my busy-body boy does that I just can’t keep up. I love watching him learn and process. It’s my favorite.

Birthday Picture Camera Dump:

Thank you to my good friend Sue for snapping some pics during his party with our camera.

 

Mommy and Me/Breastfeeding awareness month pics:

Thank you Esther Edith Photography for capturing some sweet sweet moments with me and my boy