And no… I’m not talking about poop. As a momma it’s easy to assume the conversation will always end on a poo discussion.. But this comes to BABY number 2.
I EBF my boy, Crosby, for the 6 six months of his life and then we added solids. He still nursed, and continues to nurse to this day. However, at 7.5 month PP I got my lovely cycle back. During my whole PP phase we never decided to use any form of birth control (for many reasons I don’t think I need to explain). So we definitely were not “trying” but we weren’t protecting either. We are totally ok with the second baby coming whenever (BAHAHA insert nieve thinking here). Well, as you’ve guessed, there’s no “bun in the oven”. Once my cycle returned we jumped straight into actively trying. I am now on cycle number 6.
I can’t say I’m overly optimistic. I’m absolutely terrified of another loss – even after having a perfectly healthy baby. I’m baffled and discouraged that I feel like I am back at square one. But I also have guilt and shame – because – well.. I have ONE baby. I got what I wanted – how dare I be selfish and wish for more and then be heart broken that it’s not happening on my timeline. But, I am clouded with the thoughts of “what if”…
- what if I can’t have another
- what if I need fertility treatments again
- what if I have another miscarriage… or heaven forbid more than one
- what if I don’t have any eggs left
- what if…
The list can go on and on.
6 cycles is nothing.. but as a recovering RPLer and fertility treatment junky it’s making me scratch my head.
So, here we go. My first step is going to be a naturopathic fertility specialist. Since I am still breastfeeding and don’t plan on weaning until AT LEAST 18 months I would like to continue on the natural side of things if possible. Once my son is weaned, if we have still not yet had any glimmer of hope for baby number 2, I imagine we will go directly back to SRM – Spokane.
I’ve always wanted 3 kiddos… That’s what our dream was… But the older I get the more I find myself convincing myself and my hubby that just maybe ONE will be enough… My heart doesn’t believe it yet… My heart doesn’t feel complete yet. There are more babies to housed in this body of mine.. I’m just terrified that I won’t get to bring them all home.