I sit in our home office catching up on blogger friends lives, family blogs, and wonder how on earth I use to have so much to write about… And some people actually found it interesting? Maybe because when you’re a RPLer (RPL = repeat pregnancy loss) and Infertile (IF) you kind of band together. Some beat the odds and expand their families and some don’t – some are still waiting.. I struggle with even writing about our story anymore – because, well, we got lucky. I beat IF and RPL. BUT, it’s a vital portion of our testimony. It’s something that has shaped our faith and family. It’s something that I refused to keep too quiet about because well – GOD! He deserves all the glory because He gave us a miracle.
4 years ago (yesterday, actually) I underwent a surgery. Surgery that left me scarred and damaged – not just emotionally – but phyisically.
When a surgeon “accidentally” drops your ovary and fallopian tube on to the cauterization tool it leaves a mark.. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) it was a scar that no one could see. It’s only evidence was the tears that only the closest people to me saw. It wasn’t until later that I finally spoke out and admitted the struggles this damage caused. And honestly, it’s a hurdle I get to deal with each time we consider adding a babe to our family. For those who may not know – I have a useless fallopian tube hanging out inside me. This same tube was the one that ended up homing my first babe – my ectopic baby (July 24th, 2013). Resulting in immediate termination and emergency surgery. They left it in there, so the anxiety with every subsequent pregnancy remains. There is no way I want to experience that again, but my odds of it happening are much higher than your average Joe Shmoe. As much as I look forward to a positive pregnancy test, it also scares the crap out of me.
After my first loss we endured 2 more miscarriages – one at 5.5 weeks (Sept 24th, 2013) and one at 11.5 weeks (April 25th, 2014), Colton James Brooks. Yes, he was boy, he had triploidy and was very sick. I’m thankful to know and fully understand that this world is not my permanent home and I have 3 gorgeous babes waiting for me. I cannot describe the amount of anticipation I have everyday waiting to meet them. This was the most trying season of my life. In November 2014, after one failed medicated cycle, we attempted a second. Letrozole, trigger, TI, and progesterone + baby aspirin + lots of ultrasounds later we got Crosby. And we got to keep him. He stayed a full 40 weeks in my belly and made his beautiful entrance into this world on August 6, 2015 (my EDD).
13 months later we find ourselves on cycle #7 trying for a second baby. Here’s what’s the kicker, if it were JUST a bum tube and past RPL I would be fine waiting however long it takes for #2 to join us. BUT, add endometriosis, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, RPL, MTHFR, and a bum tube it makes me scratch my head a little when it’s all of a sudden taking longer than it did in the first year of our marriage. I know God is faithful, cause I’ve seen Him bring redemption into my life before… Hello – I have Crosby! But – If I’m honest, it still stings a little when things aren’t going the way you thought they could go. It still hurts when you get the “not yet” or the negative test. It still isn’t fun to be in a season of waiting, again.
For a while I was feeling selfish – like how dare I even consider complaining. I have my miracle. But then I realized that adding more kiddos to our family isn’t selfish – it is a God-given desire and it’s ok to struggle when it’s not happening the way we thought. It doesn’t make me greedy, it doesn’t make me selfish, and just because I have a babe now doesn’t make my feelings or desires less valid.
SOO- with that said – because I am still breastfeeding we cannot do fertility treatments. And I am ok with that. I’m not ready for that. I want to trust and believe that I’ll get to experience a naturally conceived baby that I don’t have to say good-bye to. I want that and I believe that God just might give me that desire. I could be wrong, but I hope I am not. To be pro-active we are doing a few things:
Lots of blood work.
9/7/16 – this is what is currently being processed.
- FREE T3 & T4
- METABOLIC PANEL
Within the next month I will have also completed:
- CD 21 Progesterone
- micronutrients panel
- 96 different foods allergy panel
It was recently discovered in last years food allergy (only 12ish different foods) that I am allergic to wheat. As of last Friday I have been proactively removing all wheat from my diet. I used to be GF/dairy free/soy free/egg free, but when I became pregnant nothing bothered me. Until after I delivered my son I was great – then I went down hill again, but I never re-removed those foods from my diet – except dairy cause my son couldn’t tolerate it for a long time. So, back to square one. It’s an adjustment and knowing I am allergic – makes me even more strict with my diet. I am glad to feel like I am doing something proactive – not only for my fertility and family planning but my overall health and well-being. There ya have it gang – here’s the plan for the Brooks’!
Here’s to hoping we get to have another babe in our near-ish future!
PS – WordPress also wished me a Happy 2-Year Anniversary of Blogging with them.. Which means I’ve been a blogger for 4 years now (2 with Blogspot.com and 2 with WordPress.com).
OH – and Happy Birthday to ME and my Twinsie (tomorrow!!!)