Ocean of Sorrow

 

You  Hold It All Together
It feels like an ocean of sorrow is under my skin
Even the ocean eventually meets with the sand
Sorrow on sorrow, I’m waiting
Heavy I’m anticipating
Trusting the current, will carry me
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
We come with great expectations, and fears in our hearts
Send us Your light, as we’re making our way through the dark
All of the earlier troubles
Chaos and pain they unravel
Looking ahead we rejoice in You
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
Like a stone, in the wasteland
I was useless, until You
Lifted high, in Your mercy
Out of sorrow and made new
Oh this mind, it can’t measure
All Your favours in this world
So we shout in adoration
Holy, holy are You Lord
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
-All Sons & Daughters-

Oct 3rd was CD1.

Oct 27th –  BFP

  • Beta 1 – 21.5 @ 11 dpo (oct 27)
  • Beta 2 – 39 @ 13 dpo (oct 29)
  • Beta 3 – 89 @ 15 dpo (oct 31)

Nov 6th – Miscarriage #4 confirmed

I was always concerned about loss after our rainbow baby but I never actually thought it would happen. So many people tell you and make comments about your body getting “reset” after pregnancy. You hear that often times women who had issues before a successful pregnancy find themselves “cured” afterwards. I actually fell for it. I believed whole heartedly that I was IN that category. Completely ignoring the fact that I am not immune to pregnancy loss. Because the beta’s were so low to begin with I wasn’t super hopeful but I had faith that because it was a naturally occurring pregnancy it would last. Cause my God is just THAT good…. right? So they started doubling appropriately and they assured me that was what mattered – not the number. I found myself wanting to be hopeful and I was excited but hesitant. But the entire time I felt empty. It didn’t feel right. I think my momma radar was going off. I just knew. On Sunday I started experiencing deep localized pain and because of my history I was concerned about a tubal pregnancy. Granted, it was very early, but for peace of mind I drove myself to the ER at 8p to be checked out. Thankfully we were able to rule out a tubal pregnancy. However, my beta had dropped to 24. So, it was confirmed. Today my body got the memo. At least it knows what to do. But my goodness it is painful. I feel ill.

My heart hurts. I hold my son and wonder if he’s the only miracle I’ll get. I am sad because now I really know exactly what I am missing out on. I feel doubt and am faced with another faith crisis. I’m mad because my body continues to fail me. I’m disappointed that I have old lady eggs and cannot sustain a pregnancy. I am hurt that each time I see the dr or call to report anything I have to answer that this was my 5th (!!) pregnancy… But I have only 1 living child. A true miracle. Tonight as I tucked him in I whispered into his neck – “Crosby, you are a true gift. Don’t ever forget that”.

But at the same time – maybe it’s easier in some ways than all the other losses. Maybe because it was early? Maybe because I feel firm in my faith and foundation. Maybe because I’ve now experienced the highs and the lows of loss and redemption. Maybe I can firmly stand in faith that my God does provide and perform miracles… Maybe I just don’t have time to dissolve into a puddle of tears. I have a living child who needs me. And all of me.

I am increasingly more and more thankful for the One who can hold me together when I feel like I would prefer to unravel… again.

Last I spoke about planning for #2 I was in the process of tests. Lots and lots of tests. Well I’ve got results:

  • AMH – .90
  • FSH – 9.2
  • TSH – .87
  • FREE T3 & T4 – 3.2 & 1.12
  • ESTRODIOL – 57
  • LH – 5.6
  • CD 21 Progesterone – 19
  • 96 different foods allergy panel, Allergies include:
    • Chicken Eggs
    • Yeast (bakers and brewers)
    • Yogurt
    • Amaranth
    • Mushrooms
    • Whey
    • Wheat/Gluten
    • Cane Sugar, Sugar
    • Soft Cheeses

So, in all reality things could look worse, but I think it could look a lot better! I’m happy to have a reference point for the future. We’ll be on a mandatory break to allow my body to heal and time for me (and hubby) to emotionally process. I’m still struggling with wrapping my head around the idea of another loss. I don’t even know how this became my life.. I love my life – but simultaneously want a new one.

I am so so grateful for a select few friends who have taken the time to check in on me, offer help and send their love/prayers/spend a whole morning with me listening to me and keeping me sane.

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5 thoughts on “Ocean of Sorrow

  1. I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard even while you have your rainbow baby to hold. I had a loss between my boys and another since having Levi. It still hurts. And the frustration with my body is ever present. I hope you heal quickly. Take good care of yourself.

    Like

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