On January 10th, 2014 I wrote this:
I’m not sure if it’s a quote from a book I was reading, or if it’s a statement that the Lord gave me, personally. It’s was written exactly one month before finding out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time. Little did we know that pregnancy would soon end and I’d find myself in another season of refinement and adversity. I didn’t realize that I’d soon be stepping into a much longer season/lifestyle of relying on Gods grace and sufficiency.
It was a hard hill to climb but we made it out and on to the other side with a new understanding of His grace… a new security in His sufficiency. Life is continuously showing us and leading us through cycles of dependency on Him. Which is truly a gift. And I feel I wouldn’t see it that way without my new perspective – from loss to redemption to more loss and waiting for another miracle.
We are less than one month away from my first dose of femera (letrozole). I am both nervous and terrified. I think we are both terrified of more loss. I think we are both nervous about success. I am not looking forward to putting chemicals into my body to force egg production and ovulation. I am nervous about the way they make me feel and the side effects. In preparation of all the unknowns and the history of multiple losses I have started mentally AND physically preparing my body for a possible long (or short) process. I have started counseling with a new counselor who is committed to walking, with me, the road of fertility treatments and possibly more loss or even success (cause let’s be honest pregnancy after loss is SO.incredibly.stressful).
I feel… almost ready to tackle this adversity with fervor and passion. Something my counselor and I talked about is what kind of person/mother/wife I WANT to be. Not ought to be, but WANT.
“I WANT to be that kind of mom and woman who WANTS to take the risk… even if it terrifies me”
For some reason that really helped me realize that it’s ok to be terrified of disappointment and it’s ok to be extremely nervous- but I am confident that I want to be strong enough to take these steps of faith.
So- as a sweet surprise my very good friend sent this coffee mug to me with that quote and two pictures that mean the world to me. Of course, a family picture of me, my hubby and our rainbow miracle baby. But the other picture was while my hubby was working out of town. I was neck deep in PPD/PPA, feeling severely alone and utterly fatigued and exhausted and quite hopeless. Crosby had started giving smoochies and it was the perfect timing to help give my heart that extra boost it needed. That picture reminds me of where I was and how far we have come as a family and as individuals. I am so so thankful for my sweet friend, she has encouraged me and been with me through so much. 💜
Through the process of preparing for the next steps it’s also required weaning. My long-term goal was 18 months. Crosby is just passed 17 months. We are down to one nursing session a day. I have cried and allowed myself the grieving each time we have dropped a nursing session. Crosby has adjusted incredibly well and hasn’t hardly made a single fuss about our changes. But, each morning I am soaking in the last few moments we have together. Come Mid-January we will be done. Thankfully I still have plenty of frozen breastmilk so that way we are able to still meet 18 months of breastmilk. I am incredibly proud and thrilled that we have made it this far. Should we have another babe I am excited to use my knowledge and experience with nursing. It has truly been a gift to be able to provide for Crosby in that way.
God has moved so much in our lives lately. His provision, faithfulness, mercy, grace, and most of all sufficiency has been incredibly encouraging and uplifting. I am continually praising Him for being so good to us. I am ready, excited and hopeful of these next tasks He’s asked of me.
Please be praying for us as we walk this journey, yet again. Mostly specifically for:
- Diminished and/or complete absence of all unwanted side effects from femera and the trigger injection
- That femera+trigger+TI is all we need and no other intervention is needed
- Financial provisions should we not find success with just femera+trigger+TI
- A sound mind, specifically for me… taking the risk and knowing all potential outcomes is terrifying. Pray that I am able to stay steadfast in the Lord and confident of His plans for us and reminders that they are GOOD
Thank you, for those who read this, for supporting us and cheering us on. Your support, comfort and encouragement along the way has always been incredibly cherished. We’re excited and anxious to see what God has for us next!