When it comes to number 2

And no… I’m not talking about poop. As a momma it’s easy to assume the conversation will always end on a poo discussion.. But this comes to BABY number 2.

I EBF my boy, Crosby, for the 6 six months of his life and then we added solids. He still nursed, and continues to nurse to this day. However, at 7.5 month PP I got my lovely cycle back. During my whole PP phase we never decided to use any form of birth control (for many reasons I don’t think I need to explain). So we definitely were not “trying” but we weren’t protecting either. We are totally ok with the second baby coming whenever (BAHAHA insert nieve thinking here). Well, as you’ve guessed, there’s no “bun in the oven”. Once my cycle returned we jumped straight into actively trying. I am now on cycle number 6.

I can’t say I’m overly optimistic. I’m absolutely terrified of another loss – even after having a perfectly healthy baby. I’m baffled and discouraged that I feel like I am back at square one. But I also have guilt and shame – because – well.. I have ONE baby. I got what I wanted – how dare I be selfish and wish for more and then be heart broken that it’s not happening on my timeline. But, I am clouded with the thoughts of “what if”…

  • what if I can’t have another
  • what if I need fertility treatments again
  • what if I have another miscarriage… or heaven forbid more than one
  • what if I don’t have any eggs left
  • what if…

The list can go on and on.

6 cycles is nothing.. but as a recovering RPLer and fertility treatment junky it’s making me scratch my head.

So, here we go. My first step is going to be a naturopathic fertility specialist. Since I am still breastfeeding and don’t plan on weaning until AT LEAST 18 months I would like to continue on the natural side of things if possible. Once my son is weaned, if we have still not yet had any glimmer of hope for baby number 2, I imagine we will go directly back to SRM – Spokane.

I’ve always wanted 3 kiddos… That’s what our dream was… But the older I get the more I find myself convincing myself and my hubby that just maybe ONE will be enough… My heart doesn’t believe it yet… My heart doesn’t feel complete yet. There are more babies to housed in this body of mine.. I’m just terrified that I won’t get to bring them all home.

 

8 Weeks!

You don’t give Yourself in pieces, You don’t hide Yourself to tease us.

Dear Crosby,

One of my favorite songs to sing to you right now is “Jesus loves me”. Except, I’ve changed “me” to “you”. If there is one thing I want you to always know is His reckless, crazy, radical love for you. Yes, you. It will never change. It will never fade, it will never cease. It’s pure, it’s perfect, it’s all you’ll ever need. I need you to know that. Your momma didn’t learn it for a quite some time and I spent far too much time looking for it. He will love you far better and far longer and with perfection for the rest of your days.

You’ve changed my life, you’ve challenged me. You’ve shown me my imperfections and selfishness. You’ve taught me how to love, you’ve taught me how to laugh at the really hard things. You’ve taught me how to hold my tongue. Most importantly you’ve shown me how to love your daddy better too. You’ve shown me how to prioritize and truly know what is important, what can wait, and how to cherish the moments that are passing far too fast.

Each day I hold you and you’ve changed, you’re bigger, you’re stronger, you’re smarter. And one day, you wont need me. One day you might not want me. So, I’m gonna hold you close and pray over your tiny little body, your tiny little mind and your tiny little heart –  one day you won’t be so tiny and I’ll still be praying.

He loves you, Crosby. I don’t want either of us to ever forget that.

He is for YOU.

Love you always…

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Crosby’s Likes: He still loves his boobies. Seriously, this kid is a true oinker and his weight it finally showing it. He’s gaining on average almost 2 oz a day which is perfect! He is just shy of 12 lbs now and starting to get a few rolls. We happen to have a long baby! He is now 24 inches long, that’s 3 inches in length since birth! No wonder this boy loves his sleep. Unless he’s beyond tired then… we don’t sleep. We cry. All of us. We all cry.

We’ve recently introduced a flexible schedule and he is now eating every 3 hours unless he happens to be hungry earlier. He is responding fantastically to our new routine, and I’m happy that we are all starting to get a little more sleep! Having a consistent schedule has made a huge impact on his fussiness and his reflux. He has always been generally happy but now he’s just incredibly sweet and snuggly and all smiles 90% of the time! He takes a bottle (breast milk) well, however it’s incredibly rare that he receives a bottle (maybe once every couple of weeks?). So, for the most part we are exclusively breast-feeding. We did run into a reflux issue which we have narrowed down to a milk/dairy protein sensitivity. The LC said it is most likely temporary but for now, it means this momma has pulled out all the stops to make sure my diet is in check (I’ve tried cheating, just look at the bags under my eyes today for the proof that cheating is just not worth it, for me or Crosby), I’ve also gained some great positions for burping him, holding him, and nursing him. So, overall we’ve seen a HUGE improvement, although I’m pretty sure we do more laundry than anyone I know cause he still spits up pretty frequently.

Improvement – He loves bath time now! YIPPY! However he doesn’t like being chilly afterwards so we rush to get him dressed! He especially loves baths with me 🙂

Crosby’s Dislikes: Waiting for food 🙂 Gas pains, reflux. He doesn’t like it when things hurt (I don’t blame him one bit, and its usually always my fault when the reflux is bad… poor baby).

Crosby’s Milestones/Development: Crosby can hold his head up very well, he is batting at his little friends that hang from his activity mat, he loves to smile and coo and squeak and squawk at himself in a mirror and also back at me or his daddy. He is incredibly conversational. He tracks things with his eyes and turns to look at noises from different directions. He is doing very well with all the milestones he should be meeting. I couldn’t be more proud. I love that I can see something new that he’s learned every day! It’s amazing!

Nicknames: Chunk-a-muffin, peanut, bubs, boyfriend, sweetpea!

Weight: Just shy of 12 pounds!

How’s Momma?: I am 100% healed and back to my normal self. I am not down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but in due time, I’m sure! We still have our occasional latch issues (usually when we try to introduce a binki), I probably pump after feedings about 3-4x a week, and its usually just 1-2x a day. So not very often and because it’s after nursing I usually only get an extra ounce or two max. I am still struggling with a postpartum headache, some days are better than others, so perhaps it’s on its way out! I hope! I still worry about my supply but I choose to trust in the wet and dirty diaper rules and based on his weight I think I produce just enough to keep my baby happy and healthy.

Breast-feeding has been by far the biggest obstacle and hardest thing we’ve done together. I’ve been determined to continue and each passing week we achieve milestones and are successful. Each week we get better and better. Even though it’s been incredibly hard – it’s been worth every single tear and struggle. I am still just as passionate about it today as I was before I even started. I’m proud of the hard work we’ve put in and it’s clearly paying off!

Some days I find myself struggling, especially when I realize I haven’t showered or spent any time alone in a few days, or on days when my best effort is changing my clothes and brushing my teeth. I think it’s all normal, each new momma has to find her balance and routine. Because he can be considered a little needy, or “hard” to some it just took us a little longer to find our flow. I’m very thankful for the time I’ve been able to take off work and spend my days with him and learn together. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

8 weeks flew by! I just can’t even believe it. Over the last 4 weeks I also became an auntie again!! Yippy! I love being an auntie! He is just perfect!

Cousins, exactly 6 weeks apart!

Today, my sweet sweet Grandpa starts chemo. If you are the praying type be praying for him, the family, for healing, for strength. He has a long road ahead of him and we all hope this gives him more time to spend with family and enjoying time with the ones he loves!

Happy Down Syndrome Awareness Month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month!!!!!!

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Blooming… in more ways than one!

I’m choosing to set aside my pride and ability to hide behind a blog. Usually, one can type away making things seem glamorous or great when really things are less than awesome. Not that anything MAJOR has happened or that anything is wrong or that I’m some depressed human, but I’m just going to admit, being 36 week pregnant is a lot harder than I anticipated. I did NOT expect some of the feelings, both physical and emotional, and I didn’t expect to be so…. moody. I couldn’t be more thankful for a patient and understanding and supportive husband at this point. I’ve actually been avoiding blogging… Basically because I’m tired, and honestly I just don’t feel like it. In a nut shell, I’m feeling a little less than efficient, kind of overwhelmed, and seriously behind. I know there are some pretty amazing women who work full-time right up until the day they pop (and these wonder women still manage to get their to-do’s done and meals prepped, and checklists complete, I’m just realizing I’m not THAT type of wonder woman…), and that’s exactly the route we’ve chosen as well, but seriously, it’s flippin’ hard. And I don’t think that really adequately describes my personal feelings towards it.

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Due Date: August 6th, 2015

How far along: 36 weeks – Second goal MET! I failed to do an update for week 35 so, I have two lovely sets of pics for you. My midwife estimated little dude to be about 7lbs now and she said that he’s more than welcome to come anytime he wants. She is completely comfortable with how things are, but obviously we’re all cheering for as long as possible. But for this momma’s sake… I’m hoping it’s at least a tiny but early. I get increasingly crabby trying to prep myself to go to 42 weeks. I doubt that will happen, but honestly, you never.really.know.

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Next Appointment: Next Tuesday. They’re really quick appointments. I’ve already completed my GBS test and it was negative, so now we just check in once a week, talk, check the HR and FH, and say see you next week or see you soon if there’s a baby to be born. I’m at least hoping/expecting to hold out until week 38, cause our doula is on a much deserved vacation for week 37.

Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon

Exercise: I am now released for all normal activity, obviously within reason. But no more modifications for me! Yippy! So, it’s gonna be swimming (running back and forth in the pool). I’m not sure I could manage a yoga class at this point. But maybe I’ll try it out again, even if it’s just for a giggle.

Stretch Marks & Belly Button: Nada! I’m pretty proud. Several months ago I took out the weight tracker – it was a struggle for me for a while, but I think I’ve gained so steadily and within a GREAT range (holding steady at 26/28ish lbs), that it’s allowed my body to adjust nicely. My belly button is still half in, half out. It changes every day. Sometimes it’s flat.

Sleep: It’s a surprise every night 🙂 And on weekends I’m learning the art of 2+ hour naps.

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Cravings: Nada. Food. I just want food. All the time. And like good food. I want breakfast, and loaded sandwiches, and dinners filled with yummy food. Instead we snack, and hodge podge it together cause I don’t want to cook/don’t have the energy to cook. And right this very second, a whiskey river BBQ chicken wrap from Red Robin sounds amazing. With ranch and streak fries. What’s sad is I will take 4-6 bits and be full and I’ll cry cause I just want to eat a full meal.

Symptoms: Contractions, fatigue, pretty much anything you might expect from someone who is 35+ weeks prego. The hip pains, and swelling is seriously uncomfortable. I don’t know how women survive pregnancy without a pool in the summer. It’s such a life saver.

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Movement: His movement has changed a lot. It’s not quite as frequent and its become a lot more…. defined. I know when it’s a foot, or knee, or butt. I know exactly where his head is and which way he’s facing. It’s weird. But, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love it. I’m going to miss it.

Baby’s size/Milestones: After this week, Crosby will almost be carried to term – the rest is mostly just baby fat from here on out. His digestive system is the only major system in his body that is not fully developed yet – although Crosby has had plenty of practice swallowing, he will not be fully digesting food until he starts eating on the outside. Crosby is probably close to 19 inches, and 6 lbs. (or as my midwife is estimating – a whopping 7lbs!!!! But, he’s always measured HUGE from day one. I’m not terribly surprised if he’s an overachiever in the weight and length department), the size of a papaya, although variation between the height and weight of different babies increases as they get closer to birth, just like how you are bigger or smaller than people you know.

Labor Signs: 36 week goal – MET. On a day-to-day basis, I never know what my body is going to do. I’m honestly both consumed with wondering when it’s going to happen and simultaneously not even paying attention because some things that happen can mean something AND nothing. Like dilation and effacement… I could stay right where I am for weeks and week. Or it could change tonight. So, I trust that his birthday is secured in Gods hands and I trust he’ll make an appearance when he’s ready.

Miss Anything: I miss feeling normal. And I have a feeling I may not ever feel “normal” again. But, I will say it might be a nice break to have my insides to myself again. But really, I’ve enjoyed this process more often than not. So I can’t really say I miss a ton. Sleep, maybe I miss sleep. But I’ve long let go of the idea of a good night’s rest. And that’s ok. That’s how it should be, but I’m still a pansy sometimes and I want to whine about the lack of sleep.

What I love:  I love watching myself and my husband learn to adapt to a huge change that’s coming. I have a love/hate relationship with these changes and how I navigate them. Some days I win, some days I lose. And some days, as my sister-in-law S stated, I just need to forget where my feet are, lay down and Praise Him. Bingo. Love the journey! Love the little dude I’m gonna meet soon. Love the transition from a family of 2, to a family of 3 (well, 6 if you count my babies who aren’t here).

What I’m looking forward to: Birth, labor, delivery. Maternity leave. Seeing my mom. Meeting Crosby.

Recent Purchases: I suck at this section, mostly because I don’t take pics. But I will say here’s what’s going on the wall on each side of the window. I haven’t hung them, we probably should… Other than that, there are lots we’ve bought, but nothing I can list out.

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Best Moment this week: Same……Realizing I’ll never again be pregnant with THIS little dude (and perhaps maybe never again… only God knows) has made a lot of moments really bitter-sweet. It’s helping me remember that these aches and pains and discomforts are worth it and purposeful. It’s helping me remember that I can do this and I’ll likely miss it once he’s here. I don’t want to be so wrapped up in my head and my pain/discomforts that I completely miss the purpose and the lessons of NOW. It’s not as easy as it seems.

I realize this is lengthy, but I know if I don’t write about it now, I never will. And I’m feeling like I just need to get it out.

38 weeks. That falls on July 23rd. July 23rd happens to be a day that I will never ever forget. In fact, I still remember vividly what I was wearing, the phone calls that were made, and the struggles that compounded into one day. July 23rd was the day that we agreed to terminate a much desired pregnancy that happened to be located in a spot that would not be viable and it posed a great risk for my life if we let it continue. Maybe it wouldn’t have continued without intervention, but a tubal pregnancy isn’t really something you take chances with. My appointment was around 330p and by 7am the next morning I was in surgery. I don’t know why having THIS specific event fall so close to delivery time makes me squirm. It’s been 2 years since that day, and still, I get uneasy and sad. We’ll never know the true gender but we have always called this babe Our Little Flower. And in memory of that babe we bought an African Violet flower.

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It blooms vibrant purple flowers on occasion, but not very often. In fact, the last time it bloomed I was pregnant with Colton. It died the same day I had my D&C…. It hasn’t shown any sign of blooming since. Until this morning. Maybe it’s a bloom starting, or maybe it’s just new growth. But, it lifted my spirits a little. I’m on edge, I have a lot of feelings around each passing anniversary date that I never know how to navigate and I never know what to do with. I’m hoping that as the years pass it becomes easier.

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I think what’s made me most edgy is my husband has, from the very beginning of this pregnancy, thought that we will welcome little Crosby at 38 weeks. It was only recently that I brought up what 38 weeks was. I’m not mad, and in fact, I think it would be almost bitter-sweet if he was right. Maybe bringing to a close a sad chapter and replacing it with sweet redemption. Either way, my heart gets unsettled. I start to panic that if we happened to lose Crosby around the same date (which I don’t know why my brain even goes there, there is no reason we should lose him) July will be ruined forever. And this is where the faucet of irrational thinking and worries come flooding in. It’s tricky, and I tend to run with those fears far longer than necessary.

So this is my rant/rambling of things I don’t even know how to process, but it needed to come out. Or maybe I figured I should share. Or something….

So on that note, I’m feeling especially thankful for sweet friends and supportive family. And an extremely patient Husband.

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The big 3 – 0!

This journey I’ve been on to get to hold a title of mommy has been one of loss and sorrow and heartache, it has been quite the whirlwind. It’s been filled to the top with tears and so many highs and a lot of low low’s. There were so many moments I wasn’t sure I’d ever see the other side. The emptiness I felt seemed so permanent.

I recently purchased a new album, one that I’ve had my eyes on for quite some time. I just hadn’t actually bought it. But, I did. And I am so glad I did. Lindsey Stirling is quite possibly the most talented violinist I’ve ever listened to. But, then again, I haven’t listened to very many. Her album Shatter Me is excellent. I’ve been playing the whole thing constantly and just getting lost in the direction of each song. It’s awesome.

One particular song, see above video, took the wind right out of me this morning on my way into work. Although there are no words I felt like it adequately plays out what the last (almost) 3 years of my life have been like. All I could visualize was a broken bird who fought and fought to survive and then found itself thriving and in closing has found peace and contentment. I might sound crazy, or interpreting things all wrong, but it just…felt right. The whole time I kept thinking about me, and my husband, and the crazy things we’ve lived to tell about, of all the things we’ve thrived and flown our way though. How we’ve navigated and came to a place of peace and rest and contentment.

Anyway, if you’re into orchestra/rock/techno/awesomeness I would highly suggest rocking out to a little of her music. It’s awesome.

Due Date: August 6th, 2015

How far along: 30 weeks!! Holy cow, I just can’t even really grasp the idea that I’m this far. That we’re this close. It’s been a wonderfully challenging experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I have noticed that my anxieties that I had in the 1st tri about loss and not trusting my body are returning and on occasion I get wrapped up in the worst case scenarios. Even though I have no reason to NOT trust simply because I’ve never made it this far.. Regardless, the anxieties are there, they’re real to me, and I do my best to deal with the fears as they come.

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Next Appointment: June 11th – two weeks from today. Yesterday’s appointment was great, with the exception of my ever loving hormones playing nasty tricks on me and making me have a cry fest in front of the nurse and doctor. They handled me well and were very sensitive to whatever I was being emotional about. It was embarrassing!

Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon

Exercise: I did it! I went for a walk yesterday and I even did my hill that I fear! I was a little worried it would send my hip back into pain and soreness, but low and behold, I FEEL SO GOOD! I’m a little sore since I was inactive for several weeks, but I am thrilled that I feel so much better and can actually move around! No more limping!

Stretch Marks & Belly Button: Nope 🙂 and it’s still half in half out. It’s weird looking.

Sleep: I don’t even know why I bother. I average about 4 hours MAYBE 4.5 a night. So I am thankful I am getting SOME sleep.

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Cravings: Nada. Well, maybe fruit – It’s like I’m starting to relive my first tri. Bring on the fruit and cold food! I do find I was hamburgers more often..

Symptoms: Growing belly, bust and butt! Tired… I cry, all the time, most the time for no reason at all. Apparently a symptom I’ve been experiencing is low iron, my doc recently put me on a prescription, but as of yesterday they’ve now doubled my dose as my iron levels are so low I am at an increased risk of bleeding? No wonder I want hamburgers frequently 🙂 Hopefully that helps with some fatigue and resolves before labor and delivery.

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Movement: Always rolling, twisting, kicking, punching.

Baby’s size/Milestones: Crosby is head down and his tush is in my right ribs! My midwife guessed that he probably weighs about 3.5 lbs and things are measuring just perfectly! He may be practicing opening and closing his eyes and even tracking moving objects (uh, not sure how many objects he’s got moving around in there, but apparently enough to learn this skill). He should start to gain about .5 lbs per week from here on out, and this momma should gain about 1 lb per week from here on out (although I will be totally ok if I don’t gain sometimes or gain less than that!). I’ve even FINALLY felt the hiccups and he had them for so long I think it was starting to tick him off. He became very active after a while, so I’m just guessing he was getting annoyed of them. I wouldn’t blame him if he was, those buggers can be annoying sometimes.

Labor Signs: NONE! He’s not quite as high anymore, but I still have some Braxton hicks on and off. Again, those mean nothing.

Miss Anything: I miss sleeping, I miss sleeping on my tummy, and I would love a nice cold Sangria, or Blue Moon. Maybe a glass of wine. I don’t need them, it just sounds good with the changing weather!

What I love: My little man, growing a belly (most of the time), preparing for his arrival, celebrating his little life already!

What I’m looking forward to: Baby Showers! 🙂 4 more sleeps until my first shower! Preparing even MORE for his arrival! Packing a hospital bag, installing a car seat, you know, just the usual prep stuff!

What I’m reading: Uh, well, I’ve been not so great at reading. I’ve picked up my book a couple times, but mostly I’ve been doing reading/research on vaccines and pediatricians, and post baby, pre baby stuff. I’ve been reading some articles on breast feeding too. It all makes me very excited to step into a new journey.

Recent Purchases: We’ve literally bought nothing since last week. WAIT, we bought a new return vent cover thing for little C’s room… Does that count? Our camera came in the mail on Tuesday, so I have a feeling a memory card is next, then pretty soon our wallets will be very empty because we have a lot left to buy. YIKES.

Best Moment this week: Maternity pics. I felt all oooey and gooey love sick for my hubs that day. It was fun having pics taken and then what was not so fun, the allergies that came after… Thank you Lord for Benadryl being safe. I even treated myself to a s’mores frappe from Starbucks. It was worth every calorie. Also some flowers bloomed in our yard! OH, and also little Mya came to visit us… Ok, well maybe she didn’t come to see us specifically, but I’d like to think so. She’s the best. Thanks S and T for letting us hog your baby for the afternoon 🙂

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