Changing Colors

You look at me with uncertainty
You look at me with urgency
You look at me with fear in your eyes
Like you’re about to fall away

Don’t be afraid to change your colours now
I’ve known you all summer and you rose above it all
I see you hesitate to fall now
But it’s a pretty good view from down here too

When the wind takes you it takes me too
And when you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
And when you let go, I will let go too

I knew you when you were green and small
Like a feather on a wing, so long
You know I will miss you when you are gone
But don’t be afraid if you just can’t hang on

Cause when the wind takes you it takes me too
When you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
When you let go, I will let go too

When the wind takes you it takes me too
And when you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
And when you let go, I will let go too

The cold air is pushing hard on you
I know what you’re saying, I can feel it too
You’ll go through changes and I’ll go through them too
Don’t be afraid now, no don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid

Cause when the wind takes you it takes me too
When you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
When you let go, I will let go too

Ok so this may seem like and odd choice in song (but I have to admit I absolutely love Josh Groban), but the biggest highlight of this last week was celebrating with my grandparents on Valentines Day. Why were we celebrating? Well, they’ve made it through 63 years of hard work, determination, understanding and extreme change. They’ve had to learn to evolve with each other, instead of away from each other. They’ve had to endure loss and frustration and addictions. They’ve seen the best of one another and the very worst of one another. They’ve had to let go of a lot and they’ve gotten to hold a lot. They’ve had very little, and they’ve had much. I couldn’t think of a better example of what marriage looks like. I’ll never forget around the year of their 60th (maybe 61st…?) anniversary, they went through a season of sickness and as I sat in the hospital with them my grandpa was bragging about the new rings they got each other. After 60 years, he’s bragging about the gifts they were capable of giving. After 60 years while he’s in a hospital bed and gown he’s still looking at his bride like the most prized possession he’ll ever have and hold.

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In 63 years will I be able to say that Connor and I have changed with each other, or away from each other? In 63 years will I still look at him like he’s the best gift that the Lord ever gave me? Will we always work as a team, let go together when it’s needed, or hold on tight together when it’s needed? I think that’s why I chose this song. Where you are, it’s where I want to be. Good, bad, ugly. When have little, and when we have lots. I want my colors to be capable of changing when needed. I want to be that example that my great grandkids look to and say, THAT’S the kind of marriage I want. I want to make it to 63 years and then some, lord willing we live that long!

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I love these two people, and quite a bit. I don’t see them as often as I’d like, I don’t talk to them as often as I’d like. Sometimes I’m a terrible granddaughter but every.single.time I call I am ALWAYS greeted with love and affection. Every.single.time I see them there are always tears in their eyes for the love and affection they feel for all their Grandkids and Great Grandkids. This. This is what love and commitment looks like. I couldn’t be more thankful to have a beautiful example.

Here’s to 60 and then some years, Love. I can’t wait to do all the ups and downs with you some more.

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This week I had the pleasure of becoming an Auntie again. Nope, not blood auntie, but I’ve received the honor of having that title for one of my closest friends newest addition. He is quite possibly the sweetest ever, and I know that I say it every time, but I really do mean it, every time.
Welcome to the world Deegan Asher, I’m so in love with you and I can’t wait to see what the Lord does in your amazing tiny little life!
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Alrighty, so for those that are interested, here is my weekly updates 🙂
Next appointment: End of February (17 weeks) – This will include an ultrasound.
Weight Gain/Loss: I am up 5 pounds max *I think*. To be honest I am not tracking this very well…
Exercise: Yoga, Yoga Yoga, my DVD came and I’m so excited. I’ve even convinced the husband to join me in my stretching endeavors!
Maternity clothes: About the same – I can’t say yes, but I can’t say no…. Mostly normal tops (although I’ve noticed they’re starting to roll up on occasion haha). Pants/leggings/skirts all maternity. Especially at the end of the day!
Sleep: Meh. sometimes ok, sometimes not.
Food cravings:  I’ve got nothing on my list that I HAVE to have. I’m still having a love obsession over fruit and veggies! WIN! Oh, and also I usually eat chips and salsa everyday at 10:30 AM. Healthy, I know….
Symptoms: Tired. Headaches, oh my gosh the headaches. They turn into full-blown migraines about 3-5 times a week. I finally reached my thresh-hold and my Primary doc gave me some Phenergran for the really really bad migraines. I hate taking it, but oh my gosh, it brings me sleep and relief from nauseating pain. Dizzy, lots of dizzy. Growing a belly!!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Baby is now the size of a pickle (what the heck, who comes up with these?) measuring just over 4.5inches long and weighing just over 4 ounces. It’s wiggling around, sucking his/her thumb, and learning to listen with its newly refined ears. Each week, regardless of the veggie/fruit it compares it to, I am so amazed at the beautiful creation being knitted together inside of me. Babe’s heart rate is still consistently in the high 150’s and low 160’s.
Movement:  *same* I’ve decided that I’m not going to listen to my doctor anymore about movement. I don’t care where the heck the placenta is or how it will change what I feel from the babe moving. At this point it’s said to be unlikely that I feel the baby – I happen to maybe disagree. Someone said to me a few weeks ago, ” Whether you’re right or wrong about feeling the baby move, it’s better to just go with it and believe that it’s baby. No one can REALLY tell you that it’s not, and no one can REALLY tell you that it is. So you may as well enjoy whatever you feel and believe that it’s your baby.” I loved that. I know that I am super sensitive to what my body does so sure, maybe it’s gas… Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s digestion, maybe it’s not. But clearly new things are happening in this area and I’ve noticed. I choose to be excited and hope that just maybe it’s the start of something.
What I miss: Colton. I know I say Colton every week. But it’s true. He’s always on my mind – especially lately. On February 21st , 2014 I learned for the first time that I was pregnant with this sweet boy. My heart aches to know him and hold him, but I couldn’t be more thankful that he’s being held and known by the One who created him. I miss my skin…. I don’t want to look like an acne-prone teenager anymore. I also miss having the EXTRA energy to be a good housekeeper, although I made no bake cookies before work and I will say that I have MUCH pride in those cookies, I feel like Super Woman .
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What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I’m loving that I *think* I’m feeling more and more movement. It amazes me every time that there is a tiny human in there.
What I’m looking forward to:  Knowing that what I’m feeling is movements and knowing the gender…..I can’t wait to see babe SOOOON….. and buying ALL THE BABY THINGS.
Baby Purchases:  My sister was super generous and gifted us her crib, and Ergo baby wearing carrier thing, and a bunch of other accessories. We have also been gifted a few books and toys. This stuff totally just blesses me and makes me realized how loved this little one is. Blows me away, every.single.time. We now have two Costco size boxes of diapers, and we are working on a few house projects before we get started on baby purchases. I can’t wait to feel confident enough to buy things. As any RPL-er and they will tell you that buying baby things is a major trigger and whether you actually believe it or not, we feel it may jinx the pregnancy.
Best moment this week: Many people at work are getting wind that I am pregnant and so more and more people are starting to ask and I’ve really noticed how much support we have. It’s really a huge blessing. Also, we got some really fun news from our extended family and I can’t wait to share that in coming posts!!!!!!
Hello 16 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far!
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What’s up with Momma & Squishy?

I think I am becoming a little too lazy with my blog. I was doing so good with my Monday updates. I think having weekly appointments made that easy because then I actually had something to update and talk about. Now I’m just boring. And I really mean boring.

This, this is my definition of excitement…..

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Until I realized I left it in the car when I dropped something off and the dog in the back seat decides it’s a great day to hop in the front seat and eat his mom’s whip cream and drink her peach Italian Soda. The couple of drinks I had, it was every ounce of amazing that it looks. So, naturally we pulled back into the coffee stand and ordered me a new one. I was thankful to have a replacement. The hubs tried to convince me that I just needed to add more whip to the half empty one the pup drank…. But, before you get grossed out, I refused to share that many germs with my dog. Eewww, no way, gross, no thank you.

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This.

This also defines excitement. Well sorta. How about a time sucker, a leach, mindless wandering around cyber space, also known as : YouTube. Ok, well sometimes for me the time sucker is also known as: Blogs, or worse: Facebook.

But seriously. On nights when I can’t sleep YouTube never fails at delivering hours upon hours of mindless talking cat/dog videos and laughing babies in costumes. Seriously though, I feel like that statement is truly accurate 99% of the time.

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One: I love minions and no one can change my mind about that. Two: this is the truth and no one should ever try to convince me otherwise. Logistically speaking I think pushing yourself back up is always considered a push up, and almost every event in life deserves to be rewarded in chocolate. All joking aside, I am pretty proud that I have put in my time and effort in walking more for exercise, I have participated in yoga and I have been fairly decent at stretching in the evenings about 3 times a week. I know, I should do more, but if I do more, then that means I get more chocolate, and that totally defeats the whole purpose of exercise!

OK, so basically I’m stalling my time. I don’t really have much to update because I’ve put on my big girl panties and am being/pretending to be patient for my next OB appointment and NOT rushing to the RE to hold my hand.

Hardest.thing.ever.

So hard that it actually caused an explosion in my heart and head and came out all over husband one day. It was ugly. I cried, we yelled, it was…. like we were normal people who, you know, have disagreements and arguments. It was like two normal people who didn’t see eye to eye and happened to forget to actually listen and hear each other. Funny how that happens right? Well, after all the exploding finished, clearly we kissed and made up.

Part of the make up part was a gift to the both of us. A gift that will always keep on giving. A gift that my RE suggested we DON’T purchase, a gift that we had already previously agreed we wouldn’t buy. So, basically, I lied. I didn’t put the “big girl” panties on… I dare suggest they are still around my ankles waiting to be pulled all the way up, but I’m getting there…… Where was I? Oh, the gift…. Drum roll………… a silly home Doppler. I know, I know. People don’t usually recommend it. But, I still need my hand-held a little more, and the reassurance that all is, in fact, ok! It’s a terrible screen shot, but here’s what we decided on:

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It’s a Sonoline C1 Fetal Doppler, Baby Heart Monitor. It was clearly on sale and should be on our doorstep tonight. I can’t wait. Well, sorta, cause I think I’ll be pretty upset if it’s silent, but I do know and almost expect that we will likely have to try for several minutes, or several times before being successful at finding little Squishy’s heart beat.

Next appointment: End of January (eeeep, next week!!!)  – So far, I’m holding out strong and haven’t called or emailed my nurse at SRM. I’m pretty proud, but it’s hasn’t been easy, as I explained.
Total weight gain/loss: Meh, about even still, maybe plus 1-2 MAX. My home scale says I’m the same as last week.
Exercise: Yoga is in full swing, and I’m making an effort to do more stairs and walk more as much as possible! Also, I kind of hit on this topic already.
Maternity clothes: I can’t say yes, but I can’t say no…. My clothes are fitting weird now so I find that I’m in the “I look fat but can’t really tell that I’m pregnant” stage. My jeans have been swapped for leggings and on days that I need actual pants I do wear low/small panel maternity pants/jeans. They are more comfortable and should be available during non-maternity times as well. Whoever invented buttons and zippers failed us, big time.
Sleep: I need it. I crave it. Hmph. (uh, who gave me the ‘shrooms before bedtime?? I kid, I kid, but seriously. I used to love dreams, now they just freak me out).
Food cravings:  The tomatoes have sadly gone away, and been replaced with talking tomatoes in my dreams, instead. It was fun while it lasted. I’m on a smoothie kick now, loaded with frozen fruit, Naners, peanut butter, kale, spinach and protein powder, blended with a nice and creamy almond milk. I don’t have any “gotta have it NOW” cravings. I just like cold, crunchy, and fresh! (Pregnancy diet WIN)
Symptoms: All the usual stuff, but totally manageable. Getting better day by day…. Except my body has decided I needed a little more nausea at bedtime. So, that’s been fun.
Movement:  TOO early, I cannot wait…
What I miss: Today, I don’t miss anything. I am quite content with what I’ve chosen to nourish my body with. If we go all emotional, I miss my other babies, quite often lately.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movements and knowing the gender and buying ALL THE BABY THINGS.
Best moment this week: I think my favorite moment WILL be tomorrow. 12 weeks. Today I have technically now been pregnant the longest. It’s surreal. It’s crazy. I can’t even believe it. I am honored, I am blessed, I am sooo undeserving and even more so thankful than I have ever been. With that I leave you my 11 week 6 day bump (ok, I know, but it’s close enough to 12 weeks)… yep, I wore the same dress so I could compare, it’s just SOOO comfortable!
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So after all that being said my most favorite part of this week…….. I became an auntie again. There is NOTHING quite like becoming an auntie. I have no words to adequately describe the love for a tiny little human I haven’t even met in person yet. It’s overwhelming, and beautiful, and amazing, and in my eyes a TRUE miracle that babies are ever born, that they ever actually make it here and safely.

Dear Little Miss Mya,

You, sweet one are so beautiful. You don’t even know it yet, but you are cherished and loved by so many. The most amazing part of this is, you are even more loved and cherished by the One who created you, who knit you together in that momma’s tummy. You are purposefully and uniquely made and thought of by the One who has so many big plans for you. Not so that you would be made bigger, but so that He may be glorified over all. Sweet one, you made this Aunties heart melt and swell to spaces larger than I ever knew was possible. I had no idea what it would feel like when you made your appearance, but boy did it surprise me. I love every fiber of your being, your perfect little nose and tiny little fingers. I cannot wait to meet you and I can’t wait to hold you and kiss those perfect little cheeks.

Mya, you are So loved by this Auntie and This Uncle. Just like all your cousins, we will fight for you, always.

Xo,

The Auntie

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Quiet Seasons

Lately I am finding I have some type of road block in my mind. I can’t think of anything worth sharing. Perhaps I’m even contemplating, “does anyone read this stuff? If they do, do they even care?” But, then again, I have to remember I’m not doing this for other people’s approval. I did this for me. I did this for the woman who stumbles upon this searching for hope and a sense of being understood while she’s walking through pain and grief. I did this for the husband and wife who are struggling to fight their way back to normal after miscarriage, ectopic, and missed miscarriages. I’m doing this because this is what the Lord asked me to do. So, I need to be more open about letting HIM do the writing and me obeying.

There isn’t anything huge or noteworthy going on. I feel like the holidays have stolen all my attention and energy. But, life is as usual. We just keep walking along, trusting and believing. I noticed just the other day that it has been two weeks of only my Fabu Friday blogs. While those are all great and full of fun, I haven’t really had much else to say about the everyday stuff. Umm, by the way, how the heck is it December already?

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My job is still moving along quite nicely (keeping me nice and busy busy), my husband is still working his bones off and also freezing his tush off on occasion (you’re the best, babe). The new car is amazing and everything I ever dreamed of. I am so incredibly thankful for that provision and so aware of the gift it is each time I start it up. I am a little annoyed that we had it for about 4 days and we have our first head light out, already…. That’s a bit irritating. But, that’s just a small details and one that doesn’t really warrant much attention.

I think the most exciting part is how much closer I am to having my sister and her family here. I am eagerly awaiting the day they pull in for GOOD. Each day they are closer and closer to being in their forever home, closer to me!

The Lord is working on a lot of things in me and for the first time in months, well basically since we lost Colton, I feel like we are “tight” again. Like we’re homies. It’s been a struggle to get back into a place of full trust and surrender, but I am finally reaching that again. There have been multiple times over the last month He has brought me to my knees (literally) in awe and trust and surrender to Him and His love for me. I’ve been waiting for this day to get here. I had always thought that losing Colton ruined my relationship with Him forever, He proved me wrong. For that I am incredibly thankful and so happy I didn’t stay where I was.

I had mentioned a few posts back about the opportunity to start a support group. It’s amazing to me how much of a need there is in Spokane. After meeting with another woman through the MISS Foundation, I learned that not only do woman here in Spokane need this, but Doctors and counselors and so many others are looking for such group to be facilitated. I still believe that this is something I should be doing. I still don’t know what that would look like quite yet. I feel like it’s come to a bit of a stand still. There is a lack of direction and I honestly don’t even know where to begin. So perhaps it’s time to send an email out to my connections and see where this takes us. It’s also been made aware to me that I would need at least two more woman to come along side me and be “leading” with me. I haven’t found, or rather looked, for that support. So, if you are in Spokane and you think this is something you want to be involved with, please feel free to contact me: mlwalker0909@gmail.com

I think maybe with all decisions and seasons of life we come to a giant T in the road and have to sit and pray it out and ask for direction before picking which way you go. I don’t mind these moments. In fact, I really love this season because I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. I finally feel like I am truly rooted and tethered back to my Father in an intimate way that was severely lacking for quite a while.

I am enjoying where I am at and I guess maybe that makes for lack of words. For now, I am super content. Yeah, I still have my fears and anxieties and frustrations that I have to face on a daily basis, but they are not nearly as scary as they were. I like that I can now see a little better through the fog. 🙂

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Changing my Ministry…

I have recently started doing some research on available resources for woman who have experienced loss through miscarriage. I see on so many other blogs about how these woman have a huge assortment of options and support groups – like an abundance of them (typically the hospitals, REs, and ob/gyns have these resources, I was offered NONE through all 3 of my losses). So, I was a bit intrigued.

What does Spokane have to offer those of us who have lost?

Well, from what I have found we have ONE, one group for infant/child loss. While that is amazing that we have one group for that demographic, I was and still am astounded that we are severely lacking in our resources (while both are devastating, it’s nearly impossibly to compare miscarriage to infant/child loss, and that’s ok, both are unique and unimaginably hard and likely invoke a wide variety of different emotions and feelings). With statistics the way they are (at least 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage) I can’t imagine that Spokane doesn’t have a need…. Right? I mean since I’ve started this journey I have met well over 10 people who have either recently lost or have lost in the past. I imagine there are hundreds more. Granted not everyone needs a support group. Everyone responds differently and everyone has their own way of dealing with the loss and/or grief.

But what about those who DO need it? I was recently commenting on another blog about our lack of services here and she gently encouraged me (well maybe it was just something to say) to start one myself. I waved the notion off and went on my way. But then I dug around some more, and dug around some more. I even sent off a few emails enquiring about services.

After a few exchanged emails I was then presented with the opportunity to do just that. Start a group. Of course I have fears and hesitations. I am certainly not qualified…. Or maybe I am? A matter of fact, I think I just might be the right person for the job…

But, Morgan…. Aren’t you still recovering from a pretty traumatic loss yourself?

Well, yes… But, I am actually in a good spot. Each day I have healed that much more from having part of my heart torn from my chest. It doesn’t sting as much. I don’t cry as often. I’ve worked really hard on healing and pressing into the Lord and trusting His plan. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am (even though to some it might not be very far). But, the benefit of me still being in a place of healing is that I would really know and understand, to an extent, what these woman are going through.

Could this be the opportunity that is changing my ministry? It’s pretty obvious I have a passion for this subject and it’s not simply JUST because I have experienced loss. Aren’t we called to love on the broken, lift each other up, and support one another? Perhaps this is a fantastic opportunity to minister to the broken-hearted and facilitate a group of woman who so desperately need to be heard and supported, especially when these situations often leave us feeling alone and isolated, like no one understands…

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I don’t know about you but the more I think about it the more I am inclined to step through this door. There are four things that are keeping me from doing this immediately:

  • I have never led a group before… ok, that’s a lie. I am leader at my church and I have participated in facilitating a group through ARMS (Abuse Recovery Ministry Services – a WHOLE other topic for another day), but I have never led a group in this type of setting. What the heck does a support group even look like? How does the “leader” lead discussions, or do I let them just talk (and make sure that appropriate subjects are discussed, etc)? Inexperience is making me hesitate.

 

  • Time. I have no idea what kind of time commitment this would be. Once a week, twice a week, every other week, once a month? I am already committed to so many things, I don’t want this to become a burden, or time sucker. However, wouldn’t the time be well spent and rewarding?

 

  • Cost. It costs money to become a member of the group that I would facilitate through. Granted I believe it’s only $50 a year (Ya, I know, practically nothing).  But with fertility treatments costing an arm and a leg, the holidays are near, and well, let’s be honest, the Hubs and I are still finding our new flow in regards to budget with a home mortgage added in. My excuse to this: come January the extra $50 might not be an issue. Then again, the hubs does most of our finances so, I could be way wrong and the $50 might not be an issue now. Honestly, this portion is just a tiny fraction of my hesitation.

 

  • Lastly, what if I become pregnant during this group. I had a pretty good talk with my good friend over text about this last night (thanks Dani, love you and your heart) and she certainly challenged me with some questions about this. However, my argument is that IF by chance someone in that group is not in a place where they can be led by someone (or be around) who is pregnant, would that make it weird? Or is this a ridiculous concern and I am being overly sensitive? Her question to me was essentially this: If I were pregnant would that make me less understanding or make my experiences (and what I’ve learned) void? No. It would not change the valuable lessons I have learned. It would not change the pain that I have felt. It would not change the struggles. Matter of fact, I think it would then make me even more wise in my understanding. But, then again, maybe not.

Perhaps I am over thinking it all. But making a commitment to something like this isn’t a small choice. It requires sacrifices on my part.

Have you ever lead a support group? What did that look like? If you have attended, what was it like? What did you like, or what didn’t you like?

I have a really amazing opportunity in front of me…. But, am I ready? Am I the right person for this job? I am in the process of setting up a meet and greet with the gal who organizes and decides which groups are needed. She really wants me to do it (which is funny, she doesn’t even know me, haha!).

Pray for me, I need wisdom and direction!