7 months

Dear Crosby,

I’m a day late writing this letter, and even a short 24hrs makes a difference these days as you are booming in development and soaking in every ounce of learning as possible.

You are quite courageous my love. You are determined, focused and you thrive on learning curves and challenges. (As well as being the challenger) Testing our limits and keeping mommy and daddy on our toes. I just know you are going to do something radically profound and incredibly active when you grow up. You my sweet one, will probably be passionate.

My deepest desire is for you to be whole-heartedly passionate for Jesus. That your energy and tenacity be focused on the Lord. That your determination keeps you firmly rooted and planted in faith. There may come a time when you wander- but we’ll be praying that those days are limited and you only wander further into truth.

At 7 months old you’ve stolen the hearts of many, but you, my baby boy, you’ve completely captured my heart. Forever you will be my sweet Crosby. Forever you’ll be who taught me even more, who helped heal my heart.

You’re officially closer to age 1 than day 1. YIKES!
Love Always,

Your Momma

1457280836913

Crosby’s Likes:

  • Bath time
  • Boobies
  • Moving from point A to point B
  • Laughing
  • Smiling
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Playing with toys
  • Going for walks
  • Solids are typically a hit- but sometimes he couldn’t care less.

img_4539

Crosby’s Dislikes:

  • Diaper Changes
  • Clothing Changes
  • On Occasion, the car seat
  • Teething
  • When momma takes away or puts toys/objects away
  • Cold food

Milestones:

  • Army crawling everywhere – very quick!
  • Working on two bottom teeth
  • practicing his pincer grasp
  • Starting to notice and enjoy watching someone clap or hit two toys together
  • Plus many many more that I can’t even keep up anymore

img_4579

Nicknames: 

  • Bubs
  • Buddy
  • Chubbers
  • Crozzy
  • Stinker Butt

Weight/Stats:

This is the first time I’ve not known! It’s making me crazy, but it’s also good for me to be patient and wait. I’ve worried about his weight since day one. From the minute the nurses told me he was on the bigger side and doing blood sugar monitoring constantly (which in hindsight was likely completely unnecessary) to losing weight (apparently too much according to the docs)  and then being slow to gain. Then he exploded and gained perfectly and then some. But yet, I’ve still worried. So it’s good for me to just trust and know that he’s doing amazing and thriving!

IMG_4648

TRIGGER WARNING

Over the last two years I’ve raised funds for the March of Dimes. It’s a passion of mine, for obvious reasons. I’m passionate about my littles who never made it here. But this year is different. We had some friends of ours from Church who had to say goodbye to their sweet little boy, Brody, far too soon. He spent 5 amazing days here on earth with us, but he went home to Jesus due to complications from being born prematurely. Once again, I am raising funds for the March of Dimes. I want to encourage you, if you can, to make a donation!

www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks

IMG_4561

Let’s do something about this. Together.

Together we can all make a difference. This year I’ve raised my goal by a lofty amount, but I’m confident that with your help I can reach this goal. In honor of Brody’s sweet life, let’s make a difference. I’m so proud that I’ve already reached $500 raised but I still have $2,000 left to go!

IMG_4559

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Changes, Choices, and Celebrations!

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I know that I’ve only typed out part of this song, and the whole song is awesome. But It’s really the first part that gets me. There is soo many emotional things going on in our personal lives and so many changes happening that I’m having to remind myself who I trust. Because I certainly can’t trust in myself, I make really bad choices when I’m not focused on the One who should be directing me.

I’ve been singing for my entire life. It’s basically what I do and the deepest part of who I am. I’ve been singing and leading worship for about as long as I can remember. It has been the most painful decision to step off that platform for an undetermined amount of time. Realizing that I am not super woman, although sometimes I think I can be, I know that it would be terrible for my work life, my marriage, and our soon to be kiddo to keep the commitment I’ve had for years and years. I knew sacrifices would come and I was totally game for that, but this was one that I was not prepared for. Placing this on the back burner has nearly crushed me. Ha, when I was just a tiny kiddo and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer them, ” I am going to be a mom and a worship leader”. Neither of those dreams are even close to how I imagined or how I thought it was promised from Him. Talk about a reality check. Ouch. So I’m back at square one and learning to trust as He re-defines me and my role as an employee, a wife, a mom, and a homemaker. Yes, I know I won’t be doing these things alone, but Connor and I are very sure in our decision and know that, although tough, it’s the right call. Especially as his role in ministry keeps growing.

It’s hard letting go of something you love, and letting go of something that is a part of the depths of you. Sacrifices are important and I know little C will be worth every moment of this season. Maybe He’s finally changing my ministry.

I realize my blog posts are becoming increasingly boring, but at the same time I find it hard to apologize for that, because we’ll, I’m pretty darn thankful for a “boring” pregnancy.

Next appointment: Mid May – 28 weeks

Exercise: I feel great about it. I’m walking for about 25-30 mins after work probably on average about 3-4 times a week. I am still doing yoga at work as my schedule allows, but unfortunately I’ve missed two weeks in a row. I do my best to make it as I can.
g049n6aqku5o
Maternity clothes: Yes for the most part. My tops are still doing me a solid. Especially if I layer them with some long tanks. But, I can definitely see them getting shorter and shorter.
Sleep:  I’m convinced the sleep I get (or lack, really) is all in prep for what’s to come. And I’m ok with it. Except it really takes a toll on my mood and makes me more crazy. Or maybe I’m just crazy…
Food cravings:  Nothing. It was all fun while it lasted 🙂
Symptoms: I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. I need more space, I need less ribs, I would prefer more sleep and less aches. But, there’s a tiny human thriving in there, so it’s not really anything to sneeze at. The Braxton hicks are nuts, and quite confusing. But, if that means my body is doing something it should be in prep to have a successful birth, I’m game.
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby is spending lots of time packing on the fat that will help regulate body temperature. His eyes, which had been sealed such for months now, are finally starting to open, so he will be more responsive to light, and kick up a storm when detects some. Crosby is also gearing up his immune system for birth by borrowing some of your antibodies. Most of Crosby’s bodily systems and functions are intact, and most of the rest of his development is purely revolved around putting on height and weight. He is now over fourteen inches tall, and weighs more than two pounds, the size of a head of a butternut squash.
Movement: Thump, thump, thump… I thought that just maybe these little ones sleep a lot in the womb. But apparently he missed the memo, as he moves all day and all night. With very little moments of quiet. He’s mostly found comfort in kicking/punching my ribs on the right side. He certainly has a favorite place, and I am very familiar with where he hangs. No biggie. It’s cute. He makes me laugh – a lot.
What I miss: I miss a lot of things, but I don’t think any of it has to do with pregnancy. HA!
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. I’m loving growing a babe. I’m loving the miracle.
What I’m looking forward to: Baby showers, omgthirdtrimester, meeting him.
Baby Purchases:  Nothing really… I bought this… Which is so not practical but cute nonetheless…
IMG_8731
Best moment this week: Date night/Celebrating little Colton. That was a hoot. We had a great time, got some much needed answers to some really big decisions we have happening right now. Feeling at peace about these choices and finally airing the final choice out in the open. Hardest choices ever, but we know it’s the best.
IMG_8676
Hello 26 weeks! I still can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.
IMG_8739

CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As a FINAL update on all our March of Dimes stuff:

I am super proud to say that I met and exceeded my final goal of $1000. My final total was $1010.00. I was stoked and beyond blessed by the last minute donations and wept out of people’s generosity.I couldn’t have asked for a better day to remember our little one.

IMG_8661

Apparently one gets a medal when reaching over $1,000.00 raised. I was proud! (The name tag was something my friends/family ended up doing – and I followed the trend – they were all wearing tags saying they were walking in memory of Colton. I cried, it was beautiful)

FullSizeRender IMG_8658Thank you to our friends and family members who donated and walked and raised funds for the March of Dimes. I am looking forward to rocking out some more amazing-ness next year!

Celebrating Life – 4.25.14 and we’re Marching

April 23rd, 24th, and the 25th (being the most important, at least to me) are not fun days in the head of Morgan. It’s been an incredibly challenging week for me personally, even with the beauty and wonder and amazement of Crosby thriving!

In memory of our sweet boy, that we officially said goodbye to on April 25th, 2014, my husband and some of our friends and family will be walking in the March of Dimes, March for Babies. I’ve mentioned it on here a lot lately. It’s not too late to donate! If you feel compelled to donate in his name, or even in the names of your lost littles, or even your living littles, I encourage you to do so. We are all March of Dimes babies, whether we knew it or not. I’ve just been very blessed and lucky to have been positively impacted by the March of Dimes and I couldn’t be more blessed with the people I will be walking with. I think I may even be sporting a blue balloon in memory of… But, we’ll see. Blue kind of clashes with purple 🙂

So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks

Next appointment: Mid May – 28 weeks – this will include some glucose I hear… Yuck. My appointment this week went fantastic. Little dude is perfect, and huge. At 24+5 I was measuring at just past 26 weeks. HR was a perfect 156. I basically got a perfect report card as we talked a little about what’s next and how I’m feeling. I did cheat and peek at my weight gain… Let’s just say I think maybe this time I’ve learned my final lesson. God created me to carry this babe, that’s all that matters. My hubs still thinks I’m hot, so win for me!
Exercise: *Same*…. Still walking the pup most days after work, weather permitting. I am still participating in my once a week yoga at work.
Maternity clothes: *Same* Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  I’m actually having more successful sleepy nights than I am sleepless nights. I’m on a winning streak – I like it!
IMG_8645
Food cravings:  *Same* Well, as I assumed my cravings didn’t last too long. I still prefer spicy, and I still love me some Thai.. But my desire for a Bonzai isn’t as strong. It was fun while it lasted. I’m pretty proud I only gave in to my desire once, well for the burger that is! Actually – I just want all the foods, but I’m realizing I can’t eat as much!
IMG_8454
Symptoms: *Same*… I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment). I had an hour long massage on Wednesday, she basically rubbed my ribs until I was snoring. It was amazing. I can’t wait to go back in one short month!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby’s hair is thickening, just like yours, and probably has a hair color by now, though you cannot see it. His nostrils are starting to open and the air sacs in his lungs continue to develop, priming to breathe air in a just a couple short months. Because he is producing surfactant, there is an increased likelihood of surviving a preterm birth at this point. Crosby’s loving his new sense of balance, as he can now tell which way is up and which way is down, and is using this talent to rotate himself towards the position he will be in during birth, head down and feet up. Crosby is now about fourteen inches tall, the size of a cabbage, and weighs close to two pounds. But, my guess is he is 2lbs already…..because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement: It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude is finally taking up so much room that he is on the left and right side. I’m noticing a lot more alien like movement… It’s entertaining. I watch it constantly. LOVE IT!
What I miss:  Meh. Nothing. I don’t think…. Colton, I miss him, a lot today. Maybe I miss being able to hop outta bed easily, and but easily I mean not laying there contemplating if things are worth getting up for. And I mean that in a – I’m flippin’ tired way…. Thus making me chronically late…..
IMG_8626
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Definitely loving my hair. I’m loving the bump and my belly button causes a great deal of humor, and on some occasions my wardrobe causes some humor too, but most days I would say that’s more of a war-zone. I’m loving how amazing of a job my hubs did painting Little C’s room this weekend – insert googly-heart-eyed emoji! I’m loving being on the other side of viability! The changing table we were gifted is pretty rad too!! We have been so blessed! And that statement doesn’t even come close to how thankful we are!
What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to decorating Little Mr’s room, which I’m happy to take ‘painting’ off that list and just decorate now! I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. I’m also looking forward to….Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
I’m looking forward to bending over without spreading my legs or squatting to get to the floor. This, this is why…
IMG_8609
Baby Purchases:  Notta thing – again…. We have finished our registries completely- I will say  I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity. I get somewhat embarrassed when people ask where we are registered at because – gosh, they shouldn’t be buying us stuff! But, in a way I also understand the desire to buy tiny things. I can’t resist buying for friends and family too. I’m on the hunt for a swimsuit – our pool is getting opened up soon and this girl is going to basically live in it.
Best moment this week: Watching dude kick the midwife during my appointment. Raising funds for the March of Dimes. Finishing Crosby’s room. Also, buying the hubs concert tickets for our date day Saturday! Reaching 25 weeks. WHOA.
Hello 25 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.

IMG_8651

Faith in the Face of Fear

Well I’m tardy on last week’s update. I won’t forget, I promise. But today, I sit here contemplating and preparing for my 24 (technically I’ll be 24+5) week appointment tomorrow. Leading up to this appointment I have remained confident and full of hope and joy. But as I lingered longer about what my week looks like and what needs to be done and the things I need to plan ahead for I have come overwhelmed with fear. It caught me by surprise. For a while I really felt paralyzed. In fact, even as I type this my heart is pounding and I feel like all I can hear is the thump, thump, thump in my ears.

Why am I so scared? I have nothing to fear. I haven’t really walked into an appointment with fear, in quite some time. I thought just maybe I was over that.

My heart gently reminded me: Colton.

This same week, one year ago, I received news that knocked the wind, faith, hope, joy right out of me. Who was I kidding, thinking I could waltz into the same office, with the same faces, with the smells, and the same everything and feel 100% confidence? I thought I could…. Really, truly, this never really came to mind. I’ve been in a state of bliss and confidence. My faith in my body and my faith in just about everything seems…. back to normal.

But today, I don’t feel faith. I feel fear. I feel silly, really. My brain has immediately forgotten all the joyous moments, just this morning… the kicks, the wiggles, the life that I could feel inside my tummy. Crosby must be sleeping this afternoon, so clearly my brain has abandoned all rational and gone to worst-case-scenario. And I’m left alone in my head cleaning up and dodging bullets to save my sanity. I’m sitting here blinking back tears of fear. This isn’t me. I haven’t felt this in a while. This almost feels new, but also so incredibly familiar.

So while I battle the flesh and try to keep marching forward I have a choice to make. It’s not a simple one. The me I know, would prefer to crumble because it’s seemingly “easier”. But no – I have a choice to choose Faith. I choose to have faith that I can walk into this appointment alone (the first one I’ve been to alone since this pregnancy started, and the first time I’ve been alone to any appointment since Colton passed). I choose to have faith that our baby is alive and thriving. I choose to have faith that no matter the outcome of any pregnancy my God is a God who is in control and is always working for my good and His glory.

So, as I gather my questions for my midwife, I’ll also be gathering my tears and my fears and standing up nice and tall. I’ve survived. I am more than capable of facing the fears and finding faith. Is it easy? Not even a little. But it’s worth it.

I’ll let my cereal bowl tell you how I really feel……

IMG_7441

By the way, this really happened. Even ask Connor. I couldn’t have staged this or planned it any better. Maybe it was just reflecting the real sadness…. The last bite.

March of Dimes Update:

Goal – $1000.00

Total Raised – $510 – only 5 more sleeps until I get to celebrate my boy Colton, and walk for the March of Dimes!

So, if you feel compelled, please, please, please donate. This goes to a wonderful cause. I have a HUGE goal. I’d love to meet this goal. It’s a big one. But, the cause is so worth it. Plus, it’s one that I am super passionate about. It’s important to me that all mothers and babies get a healthy start to pregnancy and life. I’m always going to advocate for full term babies!
So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks
MODCupcakes

These yummy treats were part of our Baking for Babies Fundraiser (held at my place of work). Donated by the amazing Tiffany from a Dash of Love. Yes, I ate one (or 3) and it was the best.ever.

Next appointment: Tomorrow.
Exercise: Still walking the pup most days after work, weather permitting. I am still participating in my once a week yoga at work.
Maternity clothes: *Same* Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  I recently bought a diffuser for my essential oils, and I have been using it – I’m convinced it’s brought me some MUCH needed sleep lately. I am savoring the deep sleep, that is for sure!
Food cravings:  Well, as I assumed my cravings didn’t last too long. I still prefer spicy, and I still love me some Thai.. But my desire for a Bonzai isn’t as strong. It was fun while it lasted. I’m pretty proud I only gave in to my desire once, well for the burger that is!
Symptoms: I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment). Back pain. However, a gentleman approached me yesterday at church and asked to pray for me. He instinctually knew and deliberately prayed for back pain. I’m believing that it’s gonna be gone, any minute now!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby’s lungs are developing significantly now as practices breathing by inhaling amniotic fluid, and is making cells that will produce surfactant, a material that will help his lungs expand and operate once he reaches the air. Crosby has also gained about a quarter of a pound last week in bones, muscle, and fat, so he is finally beginning to fill out into a real person. And even though his eyebrows, lashes, and hair are coming in, it still lacks pigment and appears white. skin is beginning to glow a bit pinker, due to the appearance of capillaries. His ears and fingernails are also complete by now. By the end of this week, he is probably about 13 inches long, the size of an eggplant, and he weighs probably more than average (average is 1.5lbs), because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement: It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude prefers the right side of his apartment, very rarely does he venture to the left.
What I miss:  Wine. Yup finally, the desire for wine has reached me. This is TOTALLY way too much info – But I really miss a good solid pee. Like the kind where you leave the restroom pretty darn satisfied. I can’t really think of much else though.
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Definitely loving my hair. I’m loving the bump and my belly button causes a great deal of humor, and on some occasions my wardrobe causes some humor too, but most days I would say that’s more of a war-zone. I’m loving how amazing of a job my hubs did painting Little C’s room this weekend – insert googly-heart-eyed emoji! I’m loving being on the other side of viability!
IMG_7567

Don’t worry, the pup isn’t dead, he was just being a good helper! HA!

What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to decorating Little Mr’s room, which I’m happy to take ‘painting’ off that list and just decorate now! I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. I’m also looking forward to….Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
Baby Purchases:  Notta thing bought this last week. We have finished our registries completely- I will say  I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity. I get somewhat embarrassed when people ask where we are registered at because – gosh, they shouldn’t be buying us stuff! But, in a way I also understand the desire to buy tiny things. I can’t resist buying for friends and family too. I’m on the hunt for a swimsuit – our pool is getting opened up soon and this girl is going to basically live in it.
Best moment this week:  Painting. Spending some serious 1-on-1 time with the Hubs. Sleeping, a lot. Laying in bed until 8am on Saturday AM and letting the hubs enjoy the rambunctious activity of Little C in the mornings!
IMG_7554
Hello 24 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.
IMG_7469

Yup, representing the March of Dimes!! 🙂