When it comes to number 2

And no… I’m not talking about poop. As a momma it’s easy to assume the conversation will always end on a poo discussion.. But this comes to BABY number 2.

I EBF my boy, Crosby, for the 6 six months of his life and then we added solids. He still nursed, and continues to nurse to this day. However, at 7.5 month PP I got my lovely cycle back. During my whole PP phase we never decided to use any form of birth control (for many reasons I don’t think I need to explain). So we definitely were not “trying” but we weren’t protecting either. We are totally ok with the second baby coming whenever (BAHAHA insert nieve thinking here). Well, as you’ve guessed, there’s no “bun in the oven”. Once my cycle returned we jumped straight into actively trying. I am now on cycle number 6.

I can’t say I’m overly optimistic. I’m absolutely terrified of another loss – even after having a perfectly healthy baby. I’m baffled and discouraged that I feel like I am back at square one. But I also have guilt and shame – because – well.. I have ONE baby. I got what I wanted – how dare I be selfish and wish for more and then be heart broken that it’s not happening on my timeline. But, I am clouded with the thoughts of “what if”…

  • what if I can’t have another
  • what if I need fertility treatments again
  • what if I have another miscarriage… or heaven forbid more than one
  • what if I don’t have any eggs left
  • what if…

The list can go on and on.

6 cycles is nothing.. but as a recovering RPLer and fertility treatment junky it’s making me scratch my head.

So, here we go. My first step is going to be a naturopathic fertility specialist. Since I am still breastfeeding and don’t plan on weaning until AT LEAST 18 months I would like to continue on the natural side of things if possible. Once my son is weaned, if we have still not yet had any glimmer of hope for baby number 2, I imagine we will go directly back to SRM – Spokane.

I’ve always wanted 3 kiddos… That’s what our dream was… But the older I get the more I find myself convincing myself and my hubby that just maybe ONE will be enough… My heart doesn’t believe it yet… My heart doesn’t feel complete yet. There are more babies to housed in this body of mine.. I’m just terrified that I won’t get to bring them all home.

 

The big 3 – 0!

This journey I’ve been on to get to hold a title of mommy has been one of loss and sorrow and heartache, it has been quite the whirlwind. It’s been filled to the top with tears and so many highs and a lot of low low’s. There were so many moments I wasn’t sure I’d ever see the other side. The emptiness I felt seemed so permanent.

I recently purchased a new album, one that I’ve had my eyes on for quite some time. I just hadn’t actually bought it. But, I did. And I am so glad I did. Lindsey Stirling is quite possibly the most talented violinist I’ve ever listened to. But, then again, I haven’t listened to very many. Her album Shatter Me is excellent. I’ve been playing the whole thing constantly and just getting lost in the direction of each song. It’s awesome.

One particular song, see above video, took the wind right out of me this morning on my way into work. Although there are no words I felt like it adequately plays out what the last (almost) 3 years of my life have been like. All I could visualize was a broken bird who fought and fought to survive and then found itself thriving and in closing has found peace and contentment. I might sound crazy, or interpreting things all wrong, but it just…felt right. The whole time I kept thinking about me, and my husband, and the crazy things we’ve lived to tell about, of all the things we’ve thrived and flown our way though. How we’ve navigated and came to a place of peace and rest and contentment.

Anyway, if you’re into orchestra/rock/techno/awesomeness I would highly suggest rocking out to a little of her music. It’s awesome.

Due Date: August 6th, 2015

How far along: 30 weeks!! Holy cow, I just can’t even really grasp the idea that I’m this far. That we’re this close. It’s been a wonderfully challenging experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I have noticed that my anxieties that I had in the 1st tri about loss and not trusting my body are returning and on occasion I get wrapped up in the worst case scenarios. Even though I have no reason to NOT trust simply because I’ve never made it this far.. Regardless, the anxieties are there, they’re real to me, and I do my best to deal with the fears as they come.

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Next Appointment: June 11th – two weeks from today. Yesterday’s appointment was great, with the exception of my ever loving hormones playing nasty tricks on me and making me have a cry fest in front of the nurse and doctor. They handled me well and were very sensitive to whatever I was being emotional about. It was embarrassing!

Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon

Exercise: I did it! I went for a walk yesterday and I even did my hill that I fear! I was a little worried it would send my hip back into pain and soreness, but low and behold, I FEEL SO GOOD! I’m a little sore since I was inactive for several weeks, but I am thrilled that I feel so much better and can actually move around! No more limping!

Stretch Marks & Belly Button: Nope 🙂 and it’s still half in half out. It’s weird looking.

Sleep: I don’t even know why I bother. I average about 4 hours MAYBE 4.5 a night. So I am thankful I am getting SOME sleep.

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Cravings: Nada. Well, maybe fruit – It’s like I’m starting to relive my first tri. Bring on the fruit and cold food! I do find I was hamburgers more often..

Symptoms: Growing belly, bust and butt! Tired… I cry, all the time, most the time for no reason at all. Apparently a symptom I’ve been experiencing is low iron, my doc recently put me on a prescription, but as of yesterday they’ve now doubled my dose as my iron levels are so low I am at an increased risk of bleeding? No wonder I want hamburgers frequently 🙂 Hopefully that helps with some fatigue and resolves before labor and delivery.

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Movement: Always rolling, twisting, kicking, punching.

Baby’s size/Milestones: Crosby is head down and his tush is in my right ribs! My midwife guessed that he probably weighs about 3.5 lbs and things are measuring just perfectly! He may be practicing opening and closing his eyes and even tracking moving objects (uh, not sure how many objects he’s got moving around in there, but apparently enough to learn this skill). He should start to gain about .5 lbs per week from here on out, and this momma should gain about 1 lb per week from here on out (although I will be totally ok if I don’t gain sometimes or gain less than that!). I’ve even FINALLY felt the hiccups and he had them for so long I think it was starting to tick him off. He became very active after a while, so I’m just guessing he was getting annoyed of them. I wouldn’t blame him if he was, those buggers can be annoying sometimes.

Labor Signs: NONE! He’s not quite as high anymore, but I still have some Braxton hicks on and off. Again, those mean nothing.

Miss Anything: I miss sleeping, I miss sleeping on my tummy, and I would love a nice cold Sangria, or Blue Moon. Maybe a glass of wine. I don’t need them, it just sounds good with the changing weather!

What I love: My little man, growing a belly (most of the time), preparing for his arrival, celebrating his little life already!

What I’m looking forward to: Baby Showers! 🙂 4 more sleeps until my first shower! Preparing even MORE for his arrival! Packing a hospital bag, installing a car seat, you know, just the usual prep stuff!

What I’m reading: Uh, well, I’ve been not so great at reading. I’ve picked up my book a couple times, but mostly I’ve been doing reading/research on vaccines and pediatricians, and post baby, pre baby stuff. I’ve been reading some articles on breast feeding too. It all makes me very excited to step into a new journey.

Recent Purchases: We’ve literally bought nothing since last week. WAIT, we bought a new return vent cover thing for little C’s room… Does that count? Our camera came in the mail on Tuesday, so I have a feeling a memory card is next, then pretty soon our wallets will be very empty because we have a lot left to buy. YIKES.

Best Moment this week: Maternity pics. I felt all oooey and gooey love sick for my hubs that day. It was fun having pics taken and then what was not so fun, the allergies that came after… Thank you Lord for Benadryl being safe. I even treated myself to a s’mores frappe from Starbucks. It was worth every calorie. Also some flowers bloomed in our yard! OH, and also little Mya came to visit us… Ok, well maybe she didn’t come to see us specifically, but I’d like to think so. She’s the best. Thanks S and T for letting us hog your baby for the afternoon 🙂

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Grief and Joy can co-exist

This song hasn’t been a stranger on this blog before. I know I’ve referenced more than a few times. But to me, its worth noting again. March 27th… I should be preparing for a 1st birthday party. Instead I’m full of a mixture of feelings that most people don’t understand. So I don’t talk about them. There is a deep-rooted physical, emotion, spiritual wound that suffocates me twice a year with each loss. Not many people understand that even though I am having a perfectly normal, amazing, wonderful pregnancy today… I still feel pain for the others I have lost. And I don’t just feel it… It’s much deeper than just a “feeling”.

“Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm”

What’s amazing to me is the difference between last year and this year. But, also the similarities. Last year I was celebrating a beating heart and a lot of hope. It was just a short month later that things went south, and fast. This year doesn’t look too much different. We still have a heart beat, we had a seemingly wonderful anatomy scan (still waiting for the Dr. to call me about results). I still have hope and my heart is still joyful of the work the Lord has done over time. But this year my heart is quite heavy. I’m not as “happy”. Today is harder than it was last year.

“Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn”

To someone who’s never experienced this before they may not understand. It may seem silly to be weighted down with grief for a day or two. So, I don’t talk about it much. When I do, it usually comes out a little snippy. I’ve never once expected friends or family to remember such things, but then I feel a lot of feelers that it seems like this little life only made an impact in mine. Which I know isn’t true.

As my friend said today, “It’s a complicated mess…. It makes me wonder if this is our body’s way of protecting us.. like if we felt all the grief at once, we’d collapse? So now that we have joy to balance it, we can “afford” to feel the rest of the broken.”

I couldn’t have agreed more. Grief is complicated, it has no timeline, and it certainly has no limitations. It comes when it wants and lingers as long as it pleases. BUT, it’s how we respond to it that keeps us moving forward. It’s ok to not be ok, just don’t be taken captive.

“In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust You

I totally don’t mean to be a debby downer, so let’s get to the FUN part… Little Dude and his amazingness…

Next appointment: End of April (25ish weeks)
Weight Gain/Loss: Too much to me, but most say don’t worry (+14). As you read in my last post this is something that I, unexpectedly, am struggling with. And when I say struggle, I mean like really really struggle. I didn’t think this would happen. In fact before pregnancy I even was joyous over the idea…. But now that I am living it out.. It’s hard. So, from now on – I will not be including this. I’ve asked to not know my weight gain unless it is completely vital to my health or the health of little Mr. I had a surprise “day of” visit with my doc on Monday (hello contractions, a cervical check, and finding out that my bladder has “fallen out of place”, almost like a prolapse) and she suggested I watch my carb intake and limit my portions. Blah… So I don’t want to know anymore.
Exercise: *same* I’m not totally lazy, I promise…. Ok, well I’m just sucking at the whole exercise consistently thing…. whomp, whomp…
Maternity clothes: I think I am finally needing new tops. I usually wear fitted shirts, I’ve never owned a ton of the flowy/vintage like tops, but I think that will be my new style come summer. But I need to keep my work dress code in mind. I don’t mind showing off the bump, but I don’t need my shirts rolling up on me anymore! Ha! 
Sleep: I’m on a winning streak!!! YAY, well except for last night.
Food cravings:  RED ROBIN BONZAI BURGER!!!!!! Still. I’m ashamed. But I’m also craving Thai food something fierce. I get teased often for my lack of love for spicy food even though I am Mexican. Haha, but lately I want jalapeno’s, and Thai food, and curry, and hot sauce, and spicy salsa. I’m really enjoying my new-found love for spicy. I hope it stays.
Symptoms: I’m full. Always. I’m tired, often… Achy back, achy ribs. But otherwise, things are great!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Little dude is about 10.5 inches long and should weigh about 3/4 of a pound. As soon as I get my anatomy scan results I’m sure I’ll get some exact measurements. He’s working on building up his first poo, exciting….. haha. He’s a busy body all.day.long. and all.night.long. He’s working on peeing ever 30-45 minutes, and he’s busy gaining fat to plump up!
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Movement:   It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Once I knew for certain that was him wiggling around I’ve felt him non-stop since. It’s been amazing. Except I’m not sure how people manage to sleep through movement? How is it even possible?
What I miss:  I miss being able to bend over and tie my shoes without feeling like my lunch/breakfast/dinner will come back up. I miss being able to eat a full meal. I miss my energy.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I love that my belly is getting more and more round. I’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me.
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What I’m looking forward to:  I’m SOO looking forward to painting/decorating Little Mr’s room. Looking forward to announcing a name. Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. OH, and my appointment with our Doula!
Baby Purchases:  I just found out via text that my hubs purchased him some Carolina Panthers onesies. I’m excited!!! Baby Gates are next!
Best moment this week: The anatomy scan. Little dude was twirling, kicking, punching, and wiggle worming his way around my whole tummy. It was comical. I had to get up a few times to get him to move a certain way. It was entertaining to say the least.
Hello 21 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and yet again, thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far!
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March of Dimes

This year my boss has asked me and my amazing co-worker to be Captains of our Annual March of Dimes fundraising team. At first I was excited to jump right in and do whatever it took. Then I realized the date of this event and I spiraled down into a little ball.

April 25.

All my dreams and plans and fundraising ideas fled my mind and I was absorbed back into some painful, yet bitter-sweet, memories. If you haven’t been following along for too long, April 25th was the day we finally said our sweet goodbye’s to our boy Colton. It was a traumatic and lonely day for me and my husband. It was sad and gutted me to our core, and a year later I still feel like I have major holes in my heart.

As we’ve healed and accepted our new normal I decided that instead of seeing this task as burden I would use this as a great opportunity to share my story and honor Colton, as well as all our little ones who never made it here. I would take this opportunity to raise money for awareness. Where I work, I am honored that I set up and help provide the space for the March of Dimes board members to use for monthly meetings. Because of this, I actually received so much support and information from some of their board members and employees. They gave me so many resources and even a genetic counselor (who sat on the Board) offered to sit with me and look at my genetic testing as a second opinion. How could I not return the favor and show my love and support for all they’ve done for me!?

So I never do this, but I ask that you consider, pray, talk to your spouse or significant other, and see if you are able to support our cause and donate to our team. If you are unable to give financially, I ask that you join us in celebration of Colton on April 25! In the past we have released balloons on the anniversary date, and I believe this tradition will follow us all the days of our lives. Also, be praying for us on April 25. We have been so encouraged and filled to the top with love and support and I can’t tell you how uplifting it is to know people are praying. It’s always a hard day when anniversaries come around. They are… bitter-sweet. Even more so when you have a babe healthy in your belly. It’s an ever-present reminder of what I miss, but also a blessing to know that it seems as if we finally have our babe that we’ll get to hold.

Thank you in advance for your support!

My Little Cashew is my reason why. He is my reason for Walking!

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If you have any questions or need the link to donate to our team please email me at: mlwalker0909@gmail.com
I’m not gonna lie people, these weekly update things are getting BORING! Mostly everything is the same, so feel free to skip it. I just don’t want to forget for myself. There are some changes though. I am technically 18+6 today, but here is my 19 week update!
Next appointment: End of March (21 weeks) – This will include the full anatomy ultrasound.
Weight Gain/Loss: *same* I officially hate this question….. So, I was WAY wrong. Since pre-pregnancy I am up a total of 9 pounds. I thought this was a lot, but the nurse said that it was well within normal… YIKES, no matter how prepared you think you are to watch the scale move UP, it still stings a little when you see a weight you’ve never weighed before in your life.
Exercise: *same* Yeah, I suck. But we’ve gone on a couple of walks and I still do my once a week yoga. So, I’m not totally lazy.
Maternity clothes: *same* – I can’t say yes, but I can’t say no…. Mostly normal tops (although I’ve noticed they’re starting to roll up on occasion haha). Pants/leggings/skirts all maternity. Especially at the end of the day!
Sleep: *same* Terrible. I need a million pillows, I need a heat pad, I need space. I have a feeling this is going to continue.
Food cravings:  RED ROBIN BONZAI BURGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously though, I still have not yet indulged in this craving and I want to so bad. Soon enough, I will have one and it will not be a pretty sight. Whomever I am with better not stare too bad, cause I will be in complete shovel mode I’m sure of it!
Symptoms: Headaches are better, my back gets tired more quickly, I’m still tired 99% of the time. My knees bug me if I am on my feet for longer periods of time, my appetite is still good but I’m noticing my portions are getting smaller cause I feel full really quickly. But I also noticed (probably because I am SO short-waisted) that my uterus is already about 2 inches above my belly button. Bending over isn’t my favorite, sleep.. I want more sleep. Also, WIN – My skin is doing better and better each week, I hope it stays that way!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Baby is now measuring about the size of a zucchini. Now if you live in Washington State and grow your own, I can promise you my babe is not that large yet, but I am assuming the store-bought size 🙂 Kicking, rolling, punching, twisting, hiccupping, and swallowing still. Baby should weigh at about 9 oz and is working on sprouting tiny hairs on his head (I hope he’s a blonde like my hubs!!).
Movement:  I can now say that without a doubt I feel movement. It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. I can’t wait for it to be consistent!
What I miss:  I miss being able to bend over and tie my shoes without feeling like my lunch/breakfast/dinner will come back up. I miss Blue Moon. Not sure why…. That sounds odd, but maybe cause it’s usually really cold and really refreshing when it’s nice outside. That’s about it!
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I’m loving that I *KNOW* I’m feeling more and more movement. I’m loving that now I don’t just look kinda chubby. My belly is getting more and more round. It’s fun to watch and even more fun to hear my husband comment on it. We tend to poke it a lot.
What I’m looking forward to:  *same* Letting my hubs feel movement once I get bigger. Looking forward to painting Little Mr’s room. Looking forward to announcing a name. Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus.
Baby Purchases:  CLOTHES, ok, so we didn’t buy a ton more. But we just needed to buy the cute ones. BUT, this is what I want to purchase next, or register for, or something. Haha, I am IN LOVE with this diaper bag. It has three options for carrying (back-pack, over the shoulder, and across the body).
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Best moment this week: Feeling little dude move more than once a day. Feeling more energy. And completely unrelated to baby – working on our Easter church service worship set. I can’t wait!!
Hello 19 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far!
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