When it comes to number 2

And no… I’m not talking about poop. As a momma it’s easy to assume the conversation will always end on a poo discussion.. But this comes to BABY number 2.

I EBF my boy, Crosby, for the 6 six months of his life and then we added solids. He still nursed, and continues to nurse to this day. However, at 7.5 month PP I got my lovely cycle back. During my whole PP phase we never decided to use any form of birth control (for many reasons I don’t think I need to explain). So we definitely were not “trying” but we weren’t protecting either. We are totally ok with the second baby coming whenever (BAHAHA insert nieve thinking here). Well, as you’ve guessed, there’s no “bun in the oven”. Once my cycle returned we jumped straight into actively trying. I am now on cycle number 6.

I can’t say I’m overly optimistic. I’m absolutely terrified of another loss – even after having a perfectly healthy baby. I’m baffled and discouraged that I feel like I am back at square one. But I also have guilt and shame – because – well.. I have ONE baby. I got what I wanted – how dare I be selfish and wish for more and then be heart broken that it’s not happening on my timeline. But, I am clouded with the thoughts of “what if”…

  • what if I can’t have another
  • what if I need fertility treatments again
  • what if I have another miscarriage… or heaven forbid more than one
  • what if I don’t have any eggs left
  • what if…

The list can go on and on.

6 cycles is nothing.. but as a recovering RPLer and fertility treatment junky it’s making me scratch my head.

So, here we go. My first step is going to be a naturopathic fertility specialist. Since I am still breastfeeding and don’t plan on weaning until AT LEAST 18 months I would like to continue on the natural side of things if possible. Once my son is weaned, if we have still not yet had any glimmer of hope for baby number 2, I imagine we will go directly back to SRM – Spokane.

I’ve always wanted 3 kiddos… That’s what our dream was… But the older I get the more I find myself convincing myself and my hubby that just maybe ONE will be enough… My heart doesn’t believe it yet… My heart doesn’t feel complete yet. There are more babies to housed in this body of mine.. I’m just terrified that I won’t get to bring them all home.

 

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The Love I Know

 

He painted ‘I love you’ on the bridge
Then watched them burn
She bet all she had upon the love
Now she’s holding her cards and lost her turn

Two hearts in search of wholeness
Both willing to risk it all
Could true love have fled so easily
Leaving both broken from the fall

Not the love I know
It knows no boundaries
Keeps no record of wrongs
That’s the love I know
It takes the good with the bad
And it fights to stay strong
That’s the love I know
This love always finds a way to carry on
That’s the love I know

He sits all alone and stares into an empty sky
She goes through all her mixed emotions
Trying to find a reason why

Was their pride too big to swallow
Was their hurt too deep to heal
Could they find some understanding
Find forgiveness that’s real

That’s the love I know
It speaks in kindness
It seeks only what’s true
That’s the love I know
A love without condition it looks to renew
That’s the love in know
It knows that when hope seems gone
Hope will come through
That’s the love I know

The love I know comes from a holy God to man
Isn’t it time that you received it
Are you starting to understand
The love I know

That’s the love I know
It speaks in kindness it seeks only what’s true
That’s the love I know
A love without condition it looks to renew
That’s the love I know
It knows that when hope seems gone hope will come through
That’s the love I know
That’s the love I know

So, some people may or may not like the direction I’m taking recently with my blog. But each week my blog will always start with a song that has been impactful over the course of the week. Most of which happen to be within the Christian Music genre. Take it, or leave, or skim right past. But I these are the little things I don’t want to forget.

Now, most of this song is focused on romantic relationships that have been damaged. However, it’s the chorus that really got me. I feel like lately there has been such a HUGE increase in social media wars. Shaming women for their decisions about breastfeeding or not, vaccinating or not, cloth diapers or disposable, home births, water births, fully medicated births. Not to mention the hottest debate right now is 50 Shades of Grey. I mean, seriously, type the number 50 into your Google search and I can almost guarantee that 50 Shades of Grey will be the first option to pick. I refuse to pipe into these debates because to me it’s not a debatable subject. I know what I believe and I know what God has asked of me and my family.

What’s most disappointing is how some of the Christian community has forgotten Love in this process. It seem like everyone is using books about fictional “romance” to be the standard of Love.  After talking with my husband about this topic last night and reflecting back on the debates that flood my Facebook, I realized that what’s missing in almost everyone’s debate is: Love.

Love isn’t kinky sex written in novels or displayed on social media or best seller box office hits.

Love isn’t purposefully using hurtful, unkind words to shame someone for the choices they’ve made out of ignorance, blindness, or selfishness.

Love isn’t passing judgment on a mother who has made a choice because she believes it’s the right choice for her family (example: vaccinations, water/home birth, co-sleeping, epidurals, natural birth).

Love has a standard.

And honestly I feel like Love has been lost in all of these debates and rants about who is right and who is wrong. Why all the shame? Why all the fighting? Yes, as a believer we have an obligation to walk beside our brothers and sisters and call forward the issues that do NOT line up in God’s Word. BUT, there is a productive way of doing so, and a not so productive way of doing so. Frankly, some choices are not even our business to argue or input opinions on unless it is completely harmful to their spiritual health.

“The love I know comes from a holy God to man
Isn’t it time that you received it
Are you starting to understand
The love I know

That’s the love I know
It speaks in kindness it seeks only what’s true
That’s the love I know
A love without condition it looks to renew
That’s the love I know
It knows that when hope seems gone hope will come through
That’s the love I know
That’s the love I know”

How is this defined? Look to the author of Love. How do my words and reactions display His love? Am I speaking in kindness and seeking truth? I mean, Jesus set a perfect example of Love and how we’re to carry it out. How are so many people forgetting this? Many of my Christian friends have engaged in back and forth banter, claiming that they’re standing up for what’s right and what God has asked of them, but I don’t see much kindness in many of their words. Like I said earlier, I’m not seeing Jesus like love, trust me – I am just as guilty sometimes. So this song, it’s been a good reminder to me of what my Love is to look like. Whether that’s within the intimacy of my own marriage or out in public while surrounded by much debate.

I have a lot of my own opinions and beliefs about all said topics, but it would completely irrelevant to share that. I am however, not tolerant of sin, and not afraid to point back to the bible about His standards that He has made clear for us. There are many choices I believe are the wrong choice and many that I think are the right choice (and there are certainly some topics that don’t have a right or wrong choice) but it doesn’t mean I’m going to love any differently.

On that note:

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 So my littlest favorite turned 1-year-old this last week. I don’t know where time goes, but it certainly goes way too fast. This chunk of a lady is walking, and growling (um, the cute growls), smiles, and eats snacks like she loves even the lamest of foods. She holds a very special place in my heart (ok, all my favorites do..). I can’t imagine my life without her.

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At her birthday party my niece became acquainted with a new baby. This babe is a teeny tiny 3/4 month old who is just sooo sweet. My niece clearly loves babies and is soooo tender and sweet when loving on them. She made sure to inspect every finger and every toe. She gently brushed her hand on her cheek and kissed her sweet little forehead. I have never seen such tenderness from a crazy 10-year-old. Heart.Melted.

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I have some pretty amazing friends. Like, ok, they are so amazing that I absolutely consider them my family. No questions asked. And then there is this man in my life, who happens to be my bestest friend in the whole world. So I found a little something that one, fits my minion theme and two, holds true for all my friends.

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Ok, biggest apologies for the lengthy post, so if you’re still reading here is this weeks latest on our Little Squishy.
Next appointment: End of February (17 weeks) – This will include an ultrasound.
Weight Gain/Loss: I am still only up 5 pounds max *I think*. Like I said last week, this is an odd update. but I’ll know more come my next appointment.
Exercise: Bought myself a yoga DVD. Now I can do more yoga than I was before. I’ve been terrible at walking. But I have been doing planks about 2-3x a week, that counts right?
Maternity clothes: About the same – All jeans and pants have been switched. My leggings are starting to feel snug. But they’ll do until spring – bring on the maxi skirt!!!
Sleep: Meh, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I’ll take whatever I get and I’ve learned this is a new normal, and I’m ok with that.
Food cravings:  I’ve got nothing on my list that I HAVE to have… I guess I love any and all fruit (can’t get enough of it) and I LOVE me come baby carrots and salads right now…. But I don’t CRAVE it.
Symptoms: Still some lingering nausea here and there. Forgetful, clumsy, dizzy (so bad), tired, and of course the usual.
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Baby is now the size of an avocado measuring just over 4 inches long and weighing just over 2.5 ounces. It’s wiggling around testing out its new range of motion in the arms and legs, sucking his/her thumb, and practicing swallowing. I find all these little tidbits simply amazing. Little one’s heart rate is still consistently in the high 150’s and low 160’s. Usually landing around 161bpm.
Movement:  *same* I’ve decided that I’m not going to listen to my doctor anymore about movement. I don’t care where the heck the placenta is or how it will change what I feel from the babe moving. At this point it’s said to be unlikely that I feel the baby – I happen to maybe disagree. Someone said to me a few weeks ago, ” Whether you’re right or wrong about feeling the baby move, it’s better to just go with it and believe that it’s baby. No one can REALLY tell you that it’s not, and no one can REALLY tell you that it is. So you may as well enjoy whatever you feel and believe that it’s your baby.” I loved that. I know that I am super sensitive to what my body does so sure, maybe it’s gas… Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s digestion, maybe it’s not. But clearly new things are happening in this area and I’ve noticed. I choose to be excited and hope that just maybe it’s the start of something.
What I miss: Having the EXTRA energy to be a good housekeeper. Clear skin. Today is the first day I’ve really thought about wine and how it seems like it’s been a really long time since I’ve had a glass. I don’t miss it, but I guess today I would say it sounds nice.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels. Also, how quickly my nails are growing. All the new quirks my body is doing. It seems like everyday I notice something new now.
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movements and knowing the gender…..I can’t wait to see babe at the end of the month….. and buying ALL THE BABY THINGS.
Baby Purchases: We did it. We purchased wipes and diapers. But, right now we are working on getting some house stuff done and ready for little one’s appearance first, then we’ll focus on actual baby items needed.
Best moment this week: Noticing a big change in the appearance of my stomach. Ok, well at least to me it looks like it’s changed quite a bit. Also sending out invitations to a….. Gender Reveal party….. EEEEEP.
Hello 15 weeks! Be kind to me, please:
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What’s up with Momma & Squishy?

I think I am becoming a little too lazy with my blog. I was doing so good with my Monday updates. I think having weekly appointments made that easy because then I actually had something to update and talk about. Now I’m just boring. And I really mean boring.

This, this is my definition of excitement…..

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Until I realized I left it in the car when I dropped something off and the dog in the back seat decides it’s a great day to hop in the front seat and eat his mom’s whip cream and drink her peach Italian Soda. The couple of drinks I had, it was every ounce of amazing that it looks. So, naturally we pulled back into the coffee stand and ordered me a new one. I was thankful to have a replacement. The hubs tried to convince me that I just needed to add more whip to the half empty one the pup drank…. But, before you get grossed out, I refused to share that many germs with my dog. Eewww, no way, gross, no thank you.

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This.

This also defines excitement. Well sorta. How about a time sucker, a leach, mindless wandering around cyber space, also known as : YouTube. Ok, well sometimes for me the time sucker is also known as: Blogs, or worse: Facebook.

But seriously. On nights when I can’t sleep YouTube never fails at delivering hours upon hours of mindless talking cat/dog videos and laughing babies in costumes. Seriously though, I feel like that statement is truly accurate 99% of the time.

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One: I love minions and no one can change my mind about that. Two: this is the truth and no one should ever try to convince me otherwise. Logistically speaking I think pushing yourself back up is always considered a push up, and almost every event in life deserves to be rewarded in chocolate. All joking aside, I am pretty proud that I have put in my time and effort in walking more for exercise, I have participated in yoga and I have been fairly decent at stretching in the evenings about 3 times a week. I know, I should do more, but if I do more, then that means I get more chocolate, and that totally defeats the whole purpose of exercise!

OK, so basically I’m stalling my time. I don’t really have much to update because I’ve put on my big girl panties and am being/pretending to be patient for my next OB appointment and NOT rushing to the RE to hold my hand.

Hardest.thing.ever.

So hard that it actually caused an explosion in my heart and head and came out all over husband one day. It was ugly. I cried, we yelled, it was…. like we were normal people who, you know, have disagreements and arguments. It was like two normal people who didn’t see eye to eye and happened to forget to actually listen and hear each other. Funny how that happens right? Well, after all the exploding finished, clearly we kissed and made up.

Part of the make up part was a gift to the both of us. A gift that will always keep on giving. A gift that my RE suggested we DON’T purchase, a gift that we had already previously agreed we wouldn’t buy. So, basically, I lied. I didn’t put the “big girl” panties on… I dare suggest they are still around my ankles waiting to be pulled all the way up, but I’m getting there…… Where was I? Oh, the gift…. Drum roll………… a silly home Doppler. I know, I know. People don’t usually recommend it. But, I still need my hand-held a little more, and the reassurance that all is, in fact, ok! It’s a terrible screen shot, but here’s what we decided on:

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It’s a Sonoline C1 Fetal Doppler, Baby Heart Monitor. It was clearly on sale and should be on our doorstep tonight. I can’t wait. Well, sorta, cause I think I’ll be pretty upset if it’s silent, but I do know and almost expect that we will likely have to try for several minutes, or several times before being successful at finding little Squishy’s heart beat.

Next appointment: End of January (eeeep, next week!!!)  – So far, I’m holding out strong and haven’t called or emailed my nurse at SRM. I’m pretty proud, but it’s hasn’t been easy, as I explained.
Total weight gain/loss: Meh, about even still, maybe plus 1-2 MAX. My home scale says I’m the same as last week.
Exercise: Yoga is in full swing, and I’m making an effort to do more stairs and walk more as much as possible! Also, I kind of hit on this topic already.
Maternity clothes: I can’t say yes, but I can’t say no…. My clothes are fitting weird now so I find that I’m in the “I look fat but can’t really tell that I’m pregnant” stage. My jeans have been swapped for leggings and on days that I need actual pants I do wear low/small panel maternity pants/jeans. They are more comfortable and should be available during non-maternity times as well. Whoever invented buttons and zippers failed us, big time.
Sleep: I need it. I crave it. Hmph. (uh, who gave me the ‘shrooms before bedtime?? I kid, I kid, but seriously. I used to love dreams, now they just freak me out).
Food cravings:  The tomatoes have sadly gone away, and been replaced with talking tomatoes in my dreams, instead. It was fun while it lasted. I’m on a smoothie kick now, loaded with frozen fruit, Naners, peanut butter, kale, spinach and protein powder, blended with a nice and creamy almond milk. I don’t have any “gotta have it NOW” cravings. I just like cold, crunchy, and fresh! (Pregnancy diet WIN)
Symptoms: All the usual stuff, but totally manageable. Getting better day by day…. Except my body has decided I needed a little more nausea at bedtime. So, that’s been fun.
Movement:  TOO early, I cannot wait…
What I miss: Today, I don’t miss anything. I am quite content with what I’ve chosen to nourish my body with. If we go all emotional, I miss my other babies, quite often lately.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movements and knowing the gender and buying ALL THE BABY THINGS.
Best moment this week: I think my favorite moment WILL be tomorrow. 12 weeks. Today I have technically now been pregnant the longest. It’s surreal. It’s crazy. I can’t even believe it. I am honored, I am blessed, I am sooo undeserving and even more so thankful than I have ever been. With that I leave you my 11 week 6 day bump (ok, I know, but it’s close enough to 12 weeks)… yep, I wore the same dress so I could compare, it’s just SOOO comfortable!
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So after all that being said my most favorite part of this week…….. I became an auntie again. There is NOTHING quite like becoming an auntie. I have no words to adequately describe the love for a tiny little human I haven’t even met in person yet. It’s overwhelming, and beautiful, and amazing, and in my eyes a TRUE miracle that babies are ever born, that they ever actually make it here and safely.

Dear Little Miss Mya,

You, sweet one are so beautiful. You don’t even know it yet, but you are cherished and loved by so many. The most amazing part of this is, you are even more loved and cherished by the One who created you, who knit you together in that momma’s tummy. You are purposefully and uniquely made and thought of by the One who has so many big plans for you. Not so that you would be made bigger, but so that He may be glorified over all. Sweet one, you made this Aunties heart melt and swell to spaces larger than I ever knew was possible. I had no idea what it would feel like when you made your appearance, but boy did it surprise me. I love every fiber of your being, your perfect little nose and tiny little fingers. I cannot wait to meet you and I can’t wait to hold you and kiss those perfect little cheeks.

Mya, you are So loved by this Auntie and This Uncle. Just like all your cousins, we will fight for you, always.

Xo,

The Auntie

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The overwhelmed, but almost at peace Me – Oh and little Squishy :)

Once again another week has flown by. I don’t even know where time is going. Where the heck is that magical button to slow things down, just a little.

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I admit, I am not a huge fan of foul language, but I feel this adequately describes my brain function, sadly.

It was a sad sad day at the Brooks’, the Carolina Panthers lost to our home state team, the Seattle Seahawks. The hubs and I thoroughly enjoyed an oversized plate of nachos and pj’s while watching the game and called it an early night. I was so proud of my Hubs. Sometimes games (especially the big ones) can put a damper on our husband’s moods. But he took it like a champ and was proud of his favorite team and called it a great year.

Today probably isn’t the best day to be blogging and giving updates on the happening in our home. I’m in a mood. I don’t know what kind of mood to call it though. I realized today as I was driving to work that I am completely overwhelmed and I think being a bump on a log with absolutely no energy isn’t doing me any favors. I find myself comparing my unchecked to-do list to someone else’s almost completely checked off list and beating myself up that I’m not a better wife, a better home-keeper, a better cleaner, a better laundry do-er. The list could seriously go on and on. I’m glad I am super aware of this but, it’s not helping my already overwhelmed-ness.

I’m finding that I am worrying constantly about the “unknowns”, and “the how’s this gonna work…”, and “the gotta get x,y and,z done, but when?”… It feels kind of like chaos but all up inside my head (ok and well the bedroom and laundry room). But I realized today (even though I’ve been feeling it heavy on my heart for weeks, or maybe even a few months) why I don’t feel grounded. Why my feet don’t feel like they are on the solid rock and which I should be standing.

The Word.

The living, breathing, need it forever and always, the hoping giving, peace giving, Word. Also known as your bible.

I am so ashamed that I cannot remember the last time I pulled that bugger out for just some me time. I’ve read it for our small group and I’ve done my fair share of flipping through it on Sunday during the sermon, or googled a verse that was popping in my head. But I have not picked up my bible just to spend some time with Jesus. Ouch. I have a million and one excuses why I haven’t. I could claim that the overwhelming desire to sleep has distracted me, or the fact that for several weeks there a lot of my free time at night was sitting in the bathroom. Blah, blah blah. Excuses.

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So, all that being said, I’ve hit my max and this “mood” that I happen to be feeling is a direct result and wake up cry for my souls biggest thirst. Again, if my post seems Debby-downer from start to finish, it’s my mood speaking and not necessarily my normal life is good mood. If you know me personally, I would definitely ask that you just gently encourage me to get my booty in the word and remind me that this season shall too pass. Perhaps that I won’t be overwhelmed forever, it’s just a season. Mmmk, thanks 🙂 Good chat!

On another note, it’s cold. I don’t like being cold. I’m cold all the time. Unless I’m not, then I’m way too hot. I blame it on the little one who’s stealing everything else from me. 🙂

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**Pregnancy and Ultrasounds mentioned**

I am now a whopping 10 weeks and 5 days, and babe was showing off this week and being a complete over achiever and measured at 11 week even! I have an anterior placenta, which I am a little bummed about, but baggers can’t be choosers. An anterior placenta basically means that the placenta sits on the portion of my uterus that sits closest to my abdomen wall. If it doesn’t move there is a higher likelihood that I won’t feel the baby move until closer to 20-22 weeks. For my sanity, I am really hoping it moves so that I don’t have to wait any longer than I have to. But, at this point, babe seems to be sticking, growing, thumping right along.

I started up Yoga at work, and I should even brag about it cause really it’s once a week. Something is better than nothing. I’ve replaced my breakfast with a loaded smoothie (kale, spinach, banana, rice protein powder, peanut butter, frozen mixed berried, and almond milk). It’s amazing. I’m fuller longer, I’m getting (hopefully) more iron in, and I just overall feel better.

I know in my last post I asked about genetic testing and I got lots of great feedback. Connor and I have decided to decline. The test may or may not have been covered by insurance and she assured me that without it, it’s incredibly expensive. We will not, however, decline the anatomy scan in the second trimester. This will give us another peek at babe and also make sure his/her growth and vital organs are developing properly. It’s the right decision for us, but I fully understand that for some, it might not be the right choice. We really appreciate all the feedback and it brought up a lot of great conversations.

So, off to the RE I went yesterday for my “peace of mind” appointment. It was seriously everything and more that I could have wanted. First here’s little Squishy:

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Once again, little one was as active as ever. Kicking, punching, rolling, stretching, and even scrunching up really tiny. I was totally blown away again. Little one’s heart rate bumped up to 176, but apparently my heart rate was way up as well so he suggested it was likely due to me being all wired. In my defense I thought I left my office on time and ended up showing up right ON time (not early like I always try to be). So I bolted – yup,  almost like a half run –  up the stairs and got called back immediately so I didn’t have time to sit and catch my breath from rushing everywhere. Plus I am out of breath ALL.THE.TIME now. I was a little winded on occasion before this week, but now, I can’t breathe. ever. I lead worship at church quite often and I find I have to back away from the mic at times and just breathe. Haha, it’s comical, I’m always making eyes at the hubs signaling that I just simply cant breath, I take this opportunity to encourage clapping, haha. Anyway, the heart rate is fine, and will likely go back down as my heart rate goes back down.

Here you go ladies:

Next appointment: End of January  – I’m gonna try to be strong and wait it out. 2.5 weeks, totally do able, right?
Total weight gain/loss: Meh, about even still, maybe plus 1-2 MAX. However at my RE’s office yesterday it showed I was up 4 total from pre-pregnancy. However, I’m ignoring it because that was after 2 full meals and a couple of snacks. I never weigh myself in the middle or the end of the day. Never. So my home scale says I’m the same.
Exercise: Yoga is in full swing, and I’m making an effort to do more stairs and walk more as much as possible!
Maternity clothes: Nah, not really. My pants are getting tighter and my clothes are fitting weird now. So Connor took me shopping and I got a couple of clearance items from Old Navy. I’m returning the pants though, they fit weird.
Sleep: I need it. I crave it. I did get a solid 2 hour nap in on Sunday. That was pure bliss I tell ya. Other than that, sleep, I usually toss and turn and then toss and turn some more, get up pee, and toss and turn a little longer. Hmph.
Food cravings:  Tomatoes. More specifically grape tomatoes. I’ll eat the whole tub if I’m not careful.
Symptoms: All the usual stuff, but totally manageable. Getting better day by day, though. Hardly any nausea, Yay!
Movement:  TOO early.
What I miss: Eggs. Having a fairly new severe allergy to eggs is not convenient. I want eggs. And lots of them. In every form. I want fresh cold deli meat, and I don’t want to have to heat it up.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby 🙂
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movements and knowing the gender.
Best moment this week: Again, laughing at my little one bouncing around and I can’t feel a thing, this time Connor came with me, it was a really special moment. I think my RE even fist bumped the nurse during my ultrasound with his amazing picture-taking skills. They were excited, mostly because they don’t typically see babies at this size. If you aren’t an RPL patient you usually get shuffled out to an OB after a heartbeat is confirmed at 6ish weeks. They were all pretty excited. It was awesome.
Last but not least, my vulnerability………… Here we go…… A bump/flab/gas/bloat shot. Last night my twin sister and I were looking at her old bump shots from her last pregnancy. It was funny to see that what I look like in this pic is what she looked like at 12 and 13 weeks. So, here we go…. ohmygoshicantbelieveimdoingthis…………
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It was a tight sweater dress, and I giggle every time I see my funny shaped gut. This body is changing and it will continue to change. So, there you have it friends. YIKES.