When it comes to number 2

And no… I’m not talking about poop. As a momma it’s easy to assume the conversation will always end on a poo discussion.. But this comes to BABY number 2.

I EBF my boy, Crosby, for the 6 six months of his life and then we added solids. He still nursed, and continues to nurse to this day. However, at 7.5 month PP I got my lovely cycle back. During my whole PP phase we never decided to use any form of birth control (for many reasons I don’t think I need to explain). So we definitely were not “trying” but we weren’t protecting either. We are totally ok with the second baby coming whenever (BAHAHA insert nieve thinking here). Well, as you’ve guessed, there’s no “bun in the oven”. Once my cycle returned we jumped straight into actively trying. I am now on cycle number 6.

I can’t say I’m overly optimistic. I’m absolutely terrified of another loss – even after having a perfectly healthy baby. I’m baffled and discouraged that I feel like I am back at square one. But I also have guilt and shame – because – well.. I have ONE baby. I got what I wanted – how dare I be selfish and wish for more and then be heart broken that it’s not happening on my timeline. But, I am clouded with the thoughts of “what if”…

  • what if I can’t have another
  • what if I need fertility treatments again
  • what if I have another miscarriage… or heaven forbid more than one
  • what if I don’t have any eggs left
  • what if…

The list can go on and on.

6 cycles is nothing.. but as a recovering RPLer and fertility treatment junky it’s making me scratch my head.

So, here we go. My first step is going to be a naturopathic fertility specialist. Since I am still breastfeeding and don’t plan on weaning until AT LEAST 18 months I would like to continue on the natural side of things if possible. Once my son is weaned, if we have still not yet had any glimmer of hope for baby number 2, I imagine we will go directly back to SRM – Spokane.

I’ve always wanted 3 kiddos… That’s what our dream was… But the older I get the more I find myself convincing myself and my hubby that just maybe ONE will be enough… My heart doesn’t believe it yet… My heart doesn’t feel complete yet. There are more babies to housed in this body of mine.. I’m just terrified that I won’t get to bring them all home.

 

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7 months

Dear Crosby,

I’m a day late writing this letter, and even a short 24hrs makes a difference these days as you are booming in development and soaking in every ounce of learning as possible.

You are quite courageous my love. You are determined, focused and you thrive on learning curves and challenges. (As well as being the challenger) Testing our limits and keeping mommy and daddy on our toes. I just know you are going to do something radically profound and incredibly active when you grow up. You my sweet one, will probably be passionate.

My deepest desire is for you to be whole-heartedly passionate for Jesus. That your energy and tenacity be focused on the Lord. That your determination keeps you firmly rooted and planted in faith. There may come a time when you wander- but we’ll be praying that those days are limited and you only wander further into truth.

At 7 months old you’ve stolen the hearts of many, but you, my baby boy, you’ve completely captured my heart. Forever you will be my sweet Crosby. Forever you’ll be who taught me even more, who helped heal my heart.

You’re officially closer to age 1 than day 1. YIKES!
Love Always,

Your Momma

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Crosby’s Likes:

  • Bath time
  • Boobies
  • Moving from point A to point B
  • Laughing
  • Smiling
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Playing with toys
  • Going for walks
  • Solids are typically a hit- but sometimes he couldn’t care less.

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Crosby’s Dislikes:

  • Diaper Changes
  • Clothing Changes
  • On Occasion, the car seat
  • Teething
  • When momma takes away or puts toys/objects away
  • Cold food

Milestones:

  • Army crawling everywhere – very quick!
  • Working on two bottom teeth
  • practicing his pincer grasp
  • Starting to notice and enjoy watching someone clap or hit two toys together
  • Plus many many more that I can’t even keep up anymore

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Nicknames: 

  • Bubs
  • Buddy
  • Chubbers
  • Crozzy
  • Stinker Butt

Weight/Stats:

This is the first time I’ve not known! It’s making me crazy, but it’s also good for me to be patient and wait. I’ve worried about his weight since day one. From the minute the nurses told me he was on the bigger side and doing blood sugar monitoring constantly (which in hindsight was likely completely unnecessary) to losing weight (apparently too much according to the docs)  and then being slow to gain. Then he exploded and gained perfectly and then some. But yet, I’ve still worried. So it’s good for me to just trust and know that he’s doing amazing and thriving!

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TRIGGER WARNING

Over the last two years I’ve raised funds for the March of Dimes. It’s a passion of mine, for obvious reasons. I’m passionate about my littles who never made it here. But this year is different. We had some friends of ours from Church who had to say goodbye to their sweet little boy, Brody, far too soon. He spent 5 amazing days here on earth with us, but he went home to Jesus due to complications from being born prematurely. Once again, I am raising funds for the March of Dimes. I want to encourage you, if you can, to make a donation!

www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks

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Let’s do something about this. Together.

Together we can all make a difference. This year I’ve raised my goal by a lofty amount, but I’m confident that with your help I can reach this goal. In honor of Brody’s sweet life, let’s make a difference. I’m so proud that I’ve already reached $500 raised but I still have $2,000 left to go!

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The big 3 – 0!

This journey I’ve been on to get to hold a title of mommy has been one of loss and sorrow and heartache, it has been quite the whirlwind. It’s been filled to the top with tears and so many highs and a lot of low low’s. There were so many moments I wasn’t sure I’d ever see the other side. The emptiness I felt seemed so permanent.

I recently purchased a new album, one that I’ve had my eyes on for quite some time. I just hadn’t actually bought it. But, I did. And I am so glad I did. Lindsey Stirling is quite possibly the most talented violinist I’ve ever listened to. But, then again, I haven’t listened to very many. Her album Shatter Me is excellent. I’ve been playing the whole thing constantly and just getting lost in the direction of each song. It’s awesome.

One particular song, see above video, took the wind right out of me this morning on my way into work. Although there are no words I felt like it adequately plays out what the last (almost) 3 years of my life have been like. All I could visualize was a broken bird who fought and fought to survive and then found itself thriving and in closing has found peace and contentment. I might sound crazy, or interpreting things all wrong, but it just…felt right. The whole time I kept thinking about me, and my husband, and the crazy things we’ve lived to tell about, of all the things we’ve thrived and flown our way though. How we’ve navigated and came to a place of peace and rest and contentment.

Anyway, if you’re into orchestra/rock/techno/awesomeness I would highly suggest rocking out to a little of her music. It’s awesome.

Due Date: August 6th, 2015

How far along: 30 weeks!! Holy cow, I just can’t even really grasp the idea that I’m this far. That we’re this close. It’s been a wonderfully challenging experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I have noticed that my anxieties that I had in the 1st tri about loss and not trusting my body are returning and on occasion I get wrapped up in the worst case scenarios. Even though I have no reason to NOT trust simply because I’ve never made it this far.. Regardless, the anxieties are there, they’re real to me, and I do my best to deal with the fears as they come.

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Next Appointment: June 11th – two weeks from today. Yesterday’s appointment was great, with the exception of my ever loving hormones playing nasty tricks on me and making me have a cry fest in front of the nurse and doctor. They handled me well and were very sensitive to whatever I was being emotional about. It was embarrassing!

Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon

Exercise: I did it! I went for a walk yesterday and I even did my hill that I fear! I was a little worried it would send my hip back into pain and soreness, but low and behold, I FEEL SO GOOD! I’m a little sore since I was inactive for several weeks, but I am thrilled that I feel so much better and can actually move around! No more limping!

Stretch Marks & Belly Button: Nope 🙂 and it’s still half in half out. It’s weird looking.

Sleep: I don’t even know why I bother. I average about 4 hours MAYBE 4.5 a night. So I am thankful I am getting SOME sleep.

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Cravings: Nada. Well, maybe fruit – It’s like I’m starting to relive my first tri. Bring on the fruit and cold food! I do find I was hamburgers more often..

Symptoms: Growing belly, bust and butt! Tired… I cry, all the time, most the time for no reason at all. Apparently a symptom I’ve been experiencing is low iron, my doc recently put me on a prescription, but as of yesterday they’ve now doubled my dose as my iron levels are so low I am at an increased risk of bleeding? No wonder I want hamburgers frequently 🙂 Hopefully that helps with some fatigue and resolves before labor and delivery.

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Movement: Always rolling, twisting, kicking, punching.

Baby’s size/Milestones: Crosby is head down and his tush is in my right ribs! My midwife guessed that he probably weighs about 3.5 lbs and things are measuring just perfectly! He may be practicing opening and closing his eyes and even tracking moving objects (uh, not sure how many objects he’s got moving around in there, but apparently enough to learn this skill). He should start to gain about .5 lbs per week from here on out, and this momma should gain about 1 lb per week from here on out (although I will be totally ok if I don’t gain sometimes or gain less than that!). I’ve even FINALLY felt the hiccups and he had them for so long I think it was starting to tick him off. He became very active after a while, so I’m just guessing he was getting annoyed of them. I wouldn’t blame him if he was, those buggers can be annoying sometimes.

Labor Signs: NONE! He’s not quite as high anymore, but I still have some Braxton hicks on and off. Again, those mean nothing.

Miss Anything: I miss sleeping, I miss sleeping on my tummy, and I would love a nice cold Sangria, or Blue Moon. Maybe a glass of wine. I don’t need them, it just sounds good with the changing weather!

What I love: My little man, growing a belly (most of the time), preparing for his arrival, celebrating his little life already!

What I’m looking forward to: Baby Showers! 🙂 4 more sleeps until my first shower! Preparing even MORE for his arrival! Packing a hospital bag, installing a car seat, you know, just the usual prep stuff!

What I’m reading: Uh, well, I’ve been not so great at reading. I’ve picked up my book a couple times, but mostly I’ve been doing reading/research on vaccines and pediatricians, and post baby, pre baby stuff. I’ve been reading some articles on breast feeding too. It all makes me very excited to step into a new journey.

Recent Purchases: We’ve literally bought nothing since last week. WAIT, we bought a new return vent cover thing for little C’s room… Does that count? Our camera came in the mail on Tuesday, so I have a feeling a memory card is next, then pretty soon our wallets will be very empty because we have a lot left to buy. YIKES.

Best Moment this week: Maternity pics. I felt all oooey and gooey love sick for my hubs that day. It was fun having pics taken and then what was not so fun, the allergies that came after… Thank you Lord for Benadryl being safe. I even treated myself to a s’mores frappe from Starbucks. It was worth every calorie. Also some flowers bloomed in our yard! OH, and also little Mya came to visit us… Ok, well maybe she didn’t come to see us specifically, but I’d like to think so. She’s the best. Thanks S and T for letting us hog your baby for the afternoon 🙂

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Who Dreamt Up Someone So Divine…

Ok, I know this song makes me sound so cheesy, but I have been listening to it non-stop and letting the tears run freely. I’m not sure why, but I have a feeling it’s tethered to my beliefs in God and how He has so intricately and amazingly created not only my husband but also the little dude coming soon.
It’s mostly this part that wrecks me…
So if I’m ever not kissing you or looking in your eyes
I won’t be blind and I won’t cry
I’ll look up high and gladly sigh

And thank the guy
Who puts the rainbow in the sky
Who lights the stars at night
Who dreamt up someone so divine,
Someone like you and made them mine
Someone like you and made them mine

I die, every time. Perhaps this last trimester has turned on my weepy faucets… I’ve noticed my tears come a lot more freely lately. Usually over weird stuff. Like love songs… Or commercials. Or (let me brag for a second) the beautiful flowers and note from the hubs telling me how much he appreciates all I do – especially when I’ve been down for the count a lot lately…….. Or a really yummy dinner – Don’t judge me.
It’s been a pretty uneventful week, and I have a feeling things will remain that way for a bit, which is totally fine. With warmer weather coming, and evenings spent by the pool and with friends and family before we have little C join us, things will pick up and I’ll have lots of pictures to share! Not to mention pics of fabulous food and baby showers coming too! I feel like I’m living in a dream, this is what spoiled feels like. It…. it makes me thankful.
Due date:  August 6, 2015
How far along: 29 Weeks! I never imagined I would ever be 29 weeks pregnant. The thought has never once crossed my mind. And now that I’m there… I’m delightfully baffled and thankful and grateful. Cue the tears again… Seriously. It’s amazing, even in all it’s aches and pains and discomforts. It’s quite the experience. I’m being exceptionally brave – Bare belly shots. I’ve got a nice lovely (dark) line, a flat/innie/outie belly button and some foldies around my ribs! Enjoy, ha!
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Next appointment: The 27th. I have graduated to every-other-week appointments. All my appointments have been scheduled up to my due date. Which is nice, but also kinda weird…. My glucose test came back perfect. However, my third tri blood work showed that I was pretty anemic (which is completely common and nothing to sneeze at), but I am now on a RX of extra iron… I’m sure I’ll take it the remainder of the pregnancy, or maybe they’ll retest me again? Not sure. But at this point, if that’s all that comes up – I’ll take it!
Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon
Exercise: Nothing. I hate it. My hip (SI Joint) has been so incredibly painful that I feel like I limp around all day then plop on the sofa/bed for the rest of the evening. I’ve even had some days where I completely lose feeling in my right leg and toes… Usually that gives me relief from pain, so I don’t mind. Sometimes I get ambitious and try to do chores but I cry often from pain. It sucks and it hard really made me very aware of my pride and stubbornness. Letting my hubs take care of me and the chores around the house has been very humbling and very appreciated. BUT, I’m still believing that it’s going to heal up soon. And I’m really looking forward to the pool warming up a bit so I can get some exercise in that way.
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Stretch marks: Nope!
Belly button:  Half in/ half out/ half flat?
Sleep: I would wish and hope for sleep all the day long… But it doesn’t happen… unless accompanied by a sleep aid. Which they said is fine, but I do try to limit my use of Tylenol PM.
Food cravings:  My mocha kick is gone. Its good and all, and I’m still drinking them, but I don’t feel like I need it anymore. I’m not really craving anything. Maybe I want a hamburger… Or maybe I’m just hungry…again.
Symptoms:  Growing belly, bust and butt! Fatigue. The emotions are starting to become more weepy, forgetful, distracted. I’m not sure where my brain is, but I hope it comes back at least a little.
Movement:  Roll, wiggle, twitch, punch, kick, roll. Repeat. All.Day.Long. I still haven’t felt any hiccups, I hope I feel them at least once?
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Even though Crosby’s about 16 inches tall, the size of a pineapple, and pretty close to birth height, he is still weighing in at about three – three and a half pounds, so he still has a lot of fat to pack on in the next eleven weeks. Crosby’s muscles and lungs continue to mature, and he still has plenty of weight to gain. As he gets bigger in the womb and has less room to unleash those roundhouse kicks, you’ll start to feel slight movements, like elbows to your uterus, more often. These movements may start to feel more defined and more regular, and are reaching the point where they generally peak and plateau – the level of movement Crosby will be at until you give birth, essentially.
Labor signs: NONE! He’s still up very high, I have the occasional – Braxton Hicks contractions, but that doesn’t mean anything.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach, walking normally, not being in pain.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby 🙂
What I’m looking forward to: Getting my hairs did tonight. Maternity pics. Baby Showers!! I have to brag, I have some of the best friends, family, and coworkers! I am spoiled and I am having 3 (!!!!!!) showers. I can’t even believe it. I also have to mention they all did an amazing job at designing invites. I actually feel quite speechless – as I am so overwhelmed with the fact that people actually want to throw a party for us to help us welcome Crosby. Amazing.. here’s a sneak of ONE of my shower invites:
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Credit goes to a gal in Marketing at my place of employment and another coworker (L). They are amazing!

What I’m reading: Acts, as well as Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. I am looking to purchase Hypnobirthing by Marie Mongan, just to see what that’s all about. But so far my only prep to delivery is positive self talk and trusting that my body is going to do what it needs to do and is capable of. But I’m also spending a lot of time bringing my fears/excitement/nerves/questions/etc to the Lord and trusting that He knows what’s best and will guide me as needed.
Baby Purchases: We bought a camera. Like a legit camera. It’s hard spending that much money, but we are SUPER excited to have something nice to capture a lot of great moments from here on out.
Best moment this week: This happened…
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My bestie Lindsey gifted me a 50 min pedicure at a local Spa and Coffeehouse. OhMyGosh it was amazing. She’ll never know how thankful I was for the gift and how I savored every.single.second. My feet feel fresh and loved. Ha! Thank you, chica. Seriously, such a wonderful surprise gift!
So basically I’m uncomfortable, I don’t sleep, I’m sore, and tired, but I’ve never been more thankful in my life.
I cannot believe I am getting SO close. It’s nuts. But then again, I still have quite some time…. 🙂 Happy Memorial Day weekend! Be safe, have fun, and celebrate!