Oh How the Years Go By!

I am both amazed and dumbfounded how it could already be May 7th. Often times when I find myself reflecting on the date I find myself looking back at how far I’ve come in one year or two, sometimes even 3. It dawned on me last night (not sure how I could even start to forget about this) that my Hubs and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary (as well as my 2 year blogging anniversary soon) which then made me realize I’ve spent just over 3 years with this dude. Where did time go? When did all this time pass and all of a sudden we’re here. If I’m being completely honest, at some points in our first year of marriage, I didn’t think we’d be here.

April, May and June of 2014 saw a lot of tears, a lot of fights, and a lot of questions. I tried to walk away, I shut down, and then over the course of our second year of marriage God started healing me, healing us. Words that shouldn’t have ever been spoken were forgiven, actions that left deep wounds were healed. As I look back I am amazed at the restoration, sufficiency, and redemption that we’ve walked through. These were all words that the Lord had given me WELL before we even started this journey. And not long after our last loss I received the word Victory. I believe FULLY that year one was all about those words, and year two saw a lot of victory.

In May of last year I was given a 50% chance of a successful pregnancy, and from there the news kept getting worse and worse. And from the moment the Dr said – basically if you want kids it’s gotta happen now because you don’t have much time left…. God showed up and beat all the odds that were stacked up against us.

I think today I am simply amazed at the miracle of life. I never would have thought a year ago that I would just be starting my third trimester…. I told my husband last night, I feel like I’m bringing in a new year! Sounds silly, but apparently I must be floating on some clouds of pure thankfulness and gratitude. Maybe just some extra oxytocin and endorphins? Either way, I’m proud. This marriage stuff is hard, add in complications with child-bearing and repeat miscarriages, we were doomed for divorce or a crappy start. It wasn’t ideal, but good – no AMAZING things –  have come from this. I’m stoked that the start of year #3 will bring a new set of challenges that will grow us together and grow our faith. It makes me excited for the next word/promise we receive from God.

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Due date:  August 6, 2015
How far along: 27 Weeks! I am beyond thrilled and blessed to be this far. I am REALLY enjoying this process and I couldn’t be more thankful.
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Yup, I realize the tags are still on – BUT new swim wear ya’ll! So now you can say you’ve all seen me in a swim suit. Yikes!

Next appointment: Tuesday, glucose – yuck.
Gender: Boy – Crosby Dixon
Exercise: Mostly just walking – yoga hasn’t seen me in a few weeks, but I’m still active, which is the goal.
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Stretch marks: Nope! I hope it stays that way – if not, meh – no biggie
Belly button:  half in/ half out (mostly in the evenings though)
Sleep: The last two nights have been induced by Tylenol pm (approved and suggested by my doctor) as I’ve come down with a terrible cold, but I seem to be bouncing back quickly. I think the solid sleep is helping!
Food cravings:  Mocha Americano – decaf, always decaf. I have never liked mochas in my life. Now I must have it.
Symptoms:  I have a hitch in my giddy-up, but hoping the chiro can fix it tomorrow. Fatigue, sore ribs, hips and back, other than that – I’ve been very lucky!
Movement:  Free Entertainment. The movement is less jabby and more rolling. He loves my ribs – but he doesn’t really have much room as I am SO short-waisted. He makes me laugh a lot when he’s tumbling around. I love it, and I know I will miss it.
Baby’s Size/Milestones:  This week, Crosby weighs about 2.5 pounds and is about 15 inches long with his legs extended. He’s sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing his eyes, and perhaps even sucking his fingers. With more brain tissue developing, baby’s brain is very active now. His lungs are now developed enough where he could easily be sustained with medical help if he decided to come extra early.
Labor signs: NONE! He’s still up very high, I have the occasional – sometimes constant – Braxton Hicks contractions, but that doesn’t mean anything. Crosby has a ways to go still.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach, a good pee, and not grunting to bend over and pick things up! HA! Makes cleaning interesting…
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What I’m loving:  Growing a baby 🙂
What I’m looking forward to:  Meeting Crosby, baby showers, seeing my mom in August, raising a boy to love Jesus. I can’t wait to see him and my hubs together. I can’t wait to see what he looks like!
What I’m reading: Acts, as well as Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, I really like her book and I hope to get her other books as well.
Baby Purchases: Nothing really except supplies for his room. We were generously gifted a glider, bandana bibs, our desired diaper bag, and decorative pillow for his room – from my amazing momma! We feel totally spoiled!!
Best moment this week: Finishing painting and prepping little man’s room. Now the organizing and decorating can begin! We, ok – my husband – basically gutted this room and re-did the trim, the walls, the changing table, the closet, replaced the air vents… basically everything.. My only contribution was painting the book shelf. He gets all the credit. Nice work babes, you deserve a giant smooch!
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Don’t mind the mess, I have NO clue where to put things yet so for now things are just all over the place! Our new glider will be where that bounce/swing is, it should come any day – Thanks Momma!!!

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This lighting is bad, but we wanted to capture the new light fixture. Trust me, you didn’t want to see the previous 1970’s nasty that was in there.

So basically, that’s it. Time is flyin’, we’re excited, and things just keep getting better and better!
PS- I did let the internet scare me. What do you knowledgeable gals know about retained placenta after birth – especially in the case of a history of 4+ d&c’s and scar tissue? Good ol’ baby center… Apparently it can be pretty serious resulting in a hysterectomy?
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Changes, Choices, and Celebrations!

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I know that I’ve only typed out part of this song, and the whole song is awesome. But It’s really the first part that gets me. There is soo many emotional things going on in our personal lives and so many changes happening that I’m having to remind myself who I trust. Because I certainly can’t trust in myself, I make really bad choices when I’m not focused on the One who should be directing me.

I’ve been singing for my entire life. It’s basically what I do and the deepest part of who I am. I’ve been singing and leading worship for about as long as I can remember. It has been the most painful decision to step off that platform for an undetermined amount of time. Realizing that I am not super woman, although sometimes I think I can be, I know that it would be terrible for my work life, my marriage, and our soon to be kiddo to keep the commitment I’ve had for years and years. I knew sacrifices would come and I was totally game for that, but this was one that I was not prepared for. Placing this on the back burner has nearly crushed me. Ha, when I was just a tiny kiddo and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer them, ” I am going to be a mom and a worship leader”. Neither of those dreams are even close to how I imagined or how I thought it was promised from Him. Talk about a reality check. Ouch. So I’m back at square one and learning to trust as He re-defines me and my role as an employee, a wife, a mom, and a homemaker. Yes, I know I won’t be doing these things alone, but Connor and I are very sure in our decision and know that, although tough, it’s the right call. Especially as his role in ministry keeps growing.

It’s hard letting go of something you love, and letting go of something that is a part of the depths of you. Sacrifices are important and I know little C will be worth every moment of this season. Maybe He’s finally changing my ministry.

I realize my blog posts are becoming increasingly boring, but at the same time I find it hard to apologize for that, because we’ll, I’m pretty darn thankful for a “boring” pregnancy.

Next appointment: Mid May – 28 weeks

Exercise: I feel great about it. I’m walking for about 25-30 mins after work probably on average about 3-4 times a week. I am still doing yoga at work as my schedule allows, but unfortunately I’ve missed two weeks in a row. I do my best to make it as I can.
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Maternity clothes: Yes for the most part. My tops are still doing me a solid. Especially if I layer them with some long tanks. But, I can definitely see them getting shorter and shorter.
Sleep:  I’m convinced the sleep I get (or lack, really) is all in prep for what’s to come. And I’m ok with it. Except it really takes a toll on my mood and makes me more crazy. Or maybe I’m just crazy…
Food cravings:  Nothing. It was all fun while it lasted 🙂
Symptoms: I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. I need more space, I need less ribs, I would prefer more sleep and less aches. But, there’s a tiny human thriving in there, so it’s not really anything to sneeze at. The Braxton hicks are nuts, and quite confusing. But, if that means my body is doing something it should be in prep to have a successful birth, I’m game.
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby is spending lots of time packing on the fat that will help regulate body temperature. His eyes, which had been sealed such for months now, are finally starting to open, so he will be more responsive to light, and kick up a storm when detects some. Crosby is also gearing up his immune system for birth by borrowing some of your antibodies. Most of Crosby’s bodily systems and functions are intact, and most of the rest of his development is purely revolved around putting on height and weight. He is now over fourteen inches tall, and weighs more than two pounds, the size of a head of a butternut squash.
Movement: Thump, thump, thump… I thought that just maybe these little ones sleep a lot in the womb. But apparently he missed the memo, as he moves all day and all night. With very little moments of quiet. He’s mostly found comfort in kicking/punching my ribs on the right side. He certainly has a favorite place, and I am very familiar with where he hangs. No biggie. It’s cute. He makes me laugh – a lot.
What I miss: I miss a lot of things, but I don’t think any of it has to do with pregnancy. HA!
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. I’m loving growing a babe. I’m loving the miracle.
What I’m looking forward to: Baby showers, omgthirdtrimester, meeting him.
Baby Purchases:  Nothing really… I bought this… Which is so not practical but cute nonetheless…
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Best moment this week: Date night/Celebrating little Colton. That was a hoot. We had a great time, got some much needed answers to some really big decisions we have happening right now. Feeling at peace about these choices and finally airing the final choice out in the open. Hardest choices ever, but we know it’s the best.
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Hello 26 weeks! I still can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.
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CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As a FINAL update on all our March of Dimes stuff:

I am super proud to say that I met and exceeded my final goal of $1000. My final total was $1010.00. I was stoked and beyond blessed by the last minute donations and wept out of people’s generosity.I couldn’t have asked for a better day to remember our little one.

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Apparently one gets a medal when reaching over $1,000.00 raised. I was proud! (The name tag was something my friends/family ended up doing – and I followed the trend – they were all wearing tags saying they were walking in memory of Colton. I cried, it was beautiful)

FullSizeRender IMG_8658Thank you to our friends and family members who donated and walked and raised funds for the March of Dimes. I am looking forward to rocking out some more amazing-ness next year!

Celebrating Life – 4.25.14 and we’re Marching

April 23rd, 24th, and the 25th (being the most important, at least to me) are not fun days in the head of Morgan. It’s been an incredibly challenging week for me personally, even with the beauty and wonder and amazement of Crosby thriving!

In memory of our sweet boy, that we officially said goodbye to on April 25th, 2014, my husband and some of our friends and family will be walking in the March of Dimes, March for Babies. I’ve mentioned it on here a lot lately. It’s not too late to donate! If you feel compelled to donate in his name, or even in the names of your lost littles, or even your living littles, I encourage you to do so. We are all March of Dimes babies, whether we knew it or not. I’ve just been very blessed and lucky to have been positively impacted by the March of Dimes and I couldn’t be more blessed with the people I will be walking with. I think I may even be sporting a blue balloon in memory of… But, we’ll see. Blue kind of clashes with purple 🙂

So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks

Next appointment: Mid May – 28 weeks – this will include some glucose I hear… Yuck. My appointment this week went fantastic. Little dude is perfect, and huge. At 24+5 I was measuring at just past 26 weeks. HR was a perfect 156. I basically got a perfect report card as we talked a little about what’s next and how I’m feeling. I did cheat and peek at my weight gain… Let’s just say I think maybe this time I’ve learned my final lesson. God created me to carry this babe, that’s all that matters. My hubs still thinks I’m hot, so win for me!
Exercise: *Same*…. Still walking the pup most days after work, weather permitting. I am still participating in my once a week yoga at work.
Maternity clothes: *Same* Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  I’m actually having more successful sleepy nights than I am sleepless nights. I’m on a winning streak – I like it!
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Food cravings:  *Same* Well, as I assumed my cravings didn’t last too long. I still prefer spicy, and I still love me some Thai.. But my desire for a Bonzai isn’t as strong. It was fun while it lasted. I’m pretty proud I only gave in to my desire once, well for the burger that is! Actually – I just want all the foods, but I’m realizing I can’t eat as much!
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Symptoms: *Same*… I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment). I had an hour long massage on Wednesday, she basically rubbed my ribs until I was snoring. It was amazing. I can’t wait to go back in one short month!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby’s hair is thickening, just like yours, and probably has a hair color by now, though you cannot see it. His nostrils are starting to open and the air sacs in his lungs continue to develop, priming to breathe air in a just a couple short months. Because he is producing surfactant, there is an increased likelihood of surviving a preterm birth at this point. Crosby’s loving his new sense of balance, as he can now tell which way is up and which way is down, and is using this talent to rotate himself towards the position he will be in during birth, head down and feet up. Crosby is now about fourteen inches tall, the size of a cabbage, and weighs close to two pounds. But, my guess is he is 2lbs already…..because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement: It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude is finally taking up so much room that he is on the left and right side. I’m noticing a lot more alien like movement… It’s entertaining. I watch it constantly. LOVE IT!
What I miss:  Meh. Nothing. I don’t think…. Colton, I miss him, a lot today. Maybe I miss being able to hop outta bed easily, and but easily I mean not laying there contemplating if things are worth getting up for. And I mean that in a – I’m flippin’ tired way…. Thus making me chronically late…..
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What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Definitely loving my hair. I’m loving the bump and my belly button causes a great deal of humor, and on some occasions my wardrobe causes some humor too, but most days I would say that’s more of a war-zone. I’m loving how amazing of a job my hubs did painting Little C’s room this weekend – insert googly-heart-eyed emoji! I’m loving being on the other side of viability! The changing table we were gifted is pretty rad too!! We have been so blessed! And that statement doesn’t even come close to how thankful we are!
What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to decorating Little Mr’s room, which I’m happy to take ‘painting’ off that list and just decorate now! I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. I’m also looking forward to….Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
I’m looking forward to bending over without spreading my legs or squatting to get to the floor. This, this is why…
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Baby Purchases:  Notta thing – again…. We have finished our registries completely- I will say  I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity. I get somewhat embarrassed when people ask where we are registered at because – gosh, they shouldn’t be buying us stuff! But, in a way I also understand the desire to buy tiny things. I can’t resist buying for friends and family too. I’m on the hunt for a swimsuit – our pool is getting opened up soon and this girl is going to basically live in it.
Best moment this week: Watching dude kick the midwife during my appointment. Raising funds for the March of Dimes. Finishing Crosby’s room. Also, buying the hubs concert tickets for our date day Saturday! Reaching 25 weeks. WHOA.
Hello 25 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.

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Faith in the Face of Fear

Well I’m tardy on last week’s update. I won’t forget, I promise. But today, I sit here contemplating and preparing for my 24 (technically I’ll be 24+5) week appointment tomorrow. Leading up to this appointment I have remained confident and full of hope and joy. But as I lingered longer about what my week looks like and what needs to be done and the things I need to plan ahead for I have come overwhelmed with fear. It caught me by surprise. For a while I really felt paralyzed. In fact, even as I type this my heart is pounding and I feel like all I can hear is the thump, thump, thump in my ears.

Why am I so scared? I have nothing to fear. I haven’t really walked into an appointment with fear, in quite some time. I thought just maybe I was over that.

My heart gently reminded me: Colton.

This same week, one year ago, I received news that knocked the wind, faith, hope, joy right out of me. Who was I kidding, thinking I could waltz into the same office, with the same faces, with the smells, and the same everything and feel 100% confidence? I thought I could…. Really, truly, this never really came to mind. I’ve been in a state of bliss and confidence. My faith in my body and my faith in just about everything seems…. back to normal.

But today, I don’t feel faith. I feel fear. I feel silly, really. My brain has immediately forgotten all the joyous moments, just this morning… the kicks, the wiggles, the life that I could feel inside my tummy. Crosby must be sleeping this afternoon, so clearly my brain has abandoned all rational and gone to worst-case-scenario. And I’m left alone in my head cleaning up and dodging bullets to save my sanity. I’m sitting here blinking back tears of fear. This isn’t me. I haven’t felt this in a while. This almost feels new, but also so incredibly familiar.

So while I battle the flesh and try to keep marching forward I have a choice to make. It’s not a simple one. The me I know, would prefer to crumble because it’s seemingly “easier”. But no – I have a choice to choose Faith. I choose to have faith that I can walk into this appointment alone (the first one I’ve been to alone since this pregnancy started, and the first time I’ve been alone to any appointment since Colton passed). I choose to have faith that our baby is alive and thriving. I choose to have faith that no matter the outcome of any pregnancy my God is a God who is in control and is always working for my good and His glory.

So, as I gather my questions for my midwife, I’ll also be gathering my tears and my fears and standing up nice and tall. I’ve survived. I am more than capable of facing the fears and finding faith. Is it easy? Not even a little. But it’s worth it.

I’ll let my cereal bowl tell you how I really feel……

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By the way, this really happened. Even ask Connor. I couldn’t have staged this or planned it any better. Maybe it was just reflecting the real sadness…. The last bite.

March of Dimes Update:

Goal – $1000.00

Total Raised – $510 – only 5 more sleeps until I get to celebrate my boy Colton, and walk for the March of Dimes!

So, if you feel compelled, please, please, please donate. This goes to a wonderful cause. I have a HUGE goal. I’d love to meet this goal. It’s a big one. But, the cause is so worth it. Plus, it’s one that I am super passionate about. It’s important to me that all mothers and babies get a healthy start to pregnancy and life. I’m always going to advocate for full term babies!
So, if you feel led, here’s my personal page: http://www.marchforbabies.org/babybrooks
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These yummy treats were part of our Baking for Babies Fundraiser (held at my place of work). Donated by the amazing Tiffany from a Dash of Love. Yes, I ate one (or 3) and it was the best.ever.

Next appointment: Tomorrow.
Exercise: Still walking the pup most days after work, weather permitting. I am still participating in my once a week yoga at work.
Maternity clothes: *Same* Yes and no still. Some shirts are, some shirts aren’t. Most of my skirts and pants are maternity though. That likely won’t change anytime soon 🙂
Sleep:  I recently bought a diffuser for my essential oils, and I have been using it – I’m convinced it’s brought me some MUCH needed sleep lately. I am savoring the deep sleep, that is for sure!
Food cravings:  Well, as I assumed my cravings didn’t last too long. I still prefer spicy, and I still love me some Thai.. But my desire for a Bonzai isn’t as strong. It was fun while it lasted. I’m pretty proud I only gave in to my desire once, well for the burger that is!
Symptoms: I can’t. I just can’t even start…. I will say: Purpose. I’m thankful there is a purpose. (side note: who decided that it was a good idea to put ribs where you’re supposed to grow a baby??? It’s not my favorite idea at the moment). Back pain. However, a gentleman approached me yesterday at church and asked to pray for me. He instinctually knew and deliberately prayed for back pain. I’m believing that it’s gonna be gone, any minute now!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Crosby’s lungs are developing significantly now as practices breathing by inhaling amniotic fluid, and is making cells that will produce surfactant, a material that will help his lungs expand and operate once he reaches the air. Crosby has also gained about a quarter of a pound last week in bones, muscle, and fat, so he is finally beginning to fill out into a real person. And even though his eyebrows, lashes, and hair are coming in, it still lacks pigment and appears white. skin is beginning to glow a bit pinker, due to the appearance of capillaries. His ears and fingernails are also complete by now. By the end of this week, he is probably about 13 inches long, the size of an eggplant, and he weighs probably more than average (average is 1.5lbs), because lets face it, at 21 weeks he was a fatty already.
Movement: It’s glorious. Seriously the best thing in the world. Little dude prefers the right side of his apartment, very rarely does he venture to the left.
What I miss:  Wine. Yup finally, the desire for wine has reached me. This is TOTALLY way too much info – But I really miss a good solid pee. Like the kind where you leave the restroom pretty darn satisfied. I can’t really think of much else though.
What I’m lovingI’m loving how active this dude is. His little feisty personality kills me. Definitely loving my hair. I’m loving the bump and my belly button causes a great deal of humor, and on some occasions my wardrobe causes some humor too, but most days I would say that’s more of a war-zone. I’m loving how amazing of a job my hubs did painting Little C’s room this weekend – insert googly-heart-eyed emoji! I’m loving being on the other side of viability!
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Don’t worry, the pup isn’t dead, he was just being a good helper! HA!

What I’m looking forward to:   I’m SOO looking forward to decorating Little Mr’s room, which I’m happy to take ‘painting’ off that list and just decorate now! I’m looking forward to Maternity pics and new hair cut and color in May! Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. I’m also looking forward to….Baby Showers!!!!!!! I feel so spoiled and blessed.
Baby Purchases:  Notta thing bought this last week. We have finished our registries completely- I will say  I’m always humbled and blown away by people’s generosity. I get somewhat embarrassed when people ask where we are registered at because – gosh, they shouldn’t be buying us stuff! But, in a way I also understand the desire to buy tiny things. I can’t resist buying for friends and family too. I’m on the hunt for a swimsuit – our pool is getting opened up soon and this girl is going to basically live in it.
Best moment this week:  Painting. Spending some serious 1-on-1 time with the Hubs. Sleeping, a lot. Laying in bed until 8am on Saturday AM and letting the hubs enjoy the rambunctious activity of Little C in the mornings!
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Hello 24 weeks! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe that I’ve been gifted this amazing opportunity. I hope that as things get more and more uncomfortable that I never once take this experience for granted. That I remind thankful and humbled at Gods amazing grace.
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Yup, representing the March of Dimes!! 🙂