Half Way Cooked!

I’m late, or I’m lazy. Or a mixture of both.

**Also, I think I’ve spent far too much time battling the format of this stupid post, so….. I give up. It’s sloppy, I don’t know how to fix it, and that’s ok.

Ok, for reals though. Last week kicked my booty at work so I found that my spare time didn’t involve blog updates.

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So, lucky you guys, you’ll get 2(!!!) updates from me this week.

I’m just gonna get straight to it this post, because really, no one wants to hear about my job and how it sucked out all my energy last week, and most likely this week too….. Because other than work, I have no “real” fun updates or things to tell you.

Next appointment: THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!! – This will include the full anatomy ultrasound.

Weight Gain/Loss: I have no idea 🙂 And I like it that way. I’ve never been one who struggles with weight. I’ve battled my fair share of body image issues, but I’ve typically been a healthy weight my whole life. But, I’ve noticed that for the last several weeks I have been OVERLY concerned with the amount of weight I’ve gained and will continue to gain. It’s odd. I knew it was going to happen, but for some reason, I am having a very difficult time accepting and loving and embracing the weight that keeps coming.

Exercise: *same* Yeah, I suck. But we’ve gone on a couple of walks and I still do my once a week yoga. So, I’m not totally lazy.

Maternity clothes: Mostly normal tops, however I am noticing the battle to get dressed every day keeps getting more and more interesting – or entertaining, depends on who’s watching…. Pants/leggings/skirts all maternity. Especially at the end of the day!                                 Sleep: *same* Terrible. I need a million pillows, I need a heat pad, I need space. I have a feeling this is going to continue.

Food cravings:

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RED ROBIN BONZAI BURGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eat your heart out! My husband was so gracious and didn’t make a single comment on how quickly I ate that burger and the fries with just able every ounce of ranch they gave me. He also was super sweet not to say anything about the heart burn and OH MY GOSH I AM SO FULL I COULD BARF moments I had about an hour later. Was it worth it? You bet your bottom dollar. The challenge now? How on earth do I tell my brain this is not something that can be eaten on a regular basis…… My poor brain. Deprived.

Symptoms: Headaches are pretty much non-existent now (thank you LORD), my back gets tired super quickly, I’m still tired 99% of the time. I always heard that the 2nd tri is super dreamy. Don’t get me wrong, I love that God has blessed me with the privilege to do this whole pregnancy thing. But if I can be honest, I am so uncomfortable 99% of the time. I could seriously present to you a laundry list of the aches and pains and discomforts. BUT, like I said, this is an honor and one that I’ve willingly asked for. It’s just not dreamy like others describe it as. It’s got its own dreaminess, but not what I thought it would be.
 Baby’s Size/Milestones: Baby is now measuring about the size of a Belgian Endive……….. What the heck is that?! How about 10 inches and about 10.5 ounces. That sounds better. He is swallowing, kicking, rolling, punching. I’ve read on a few occasions that babe is even emptying his bladder routinely now. Lips, eye lashes, hair and teeth buds are forming. And gaining fat, atta boy. Get nice and chunky for me please. Ok, maybe not too chunky, cause I do need to deliver you….
Movement:  Best.thing.in.the.entire.world. Babe can be felt and seen on occasion from the outside of my tummy, and he likes to party. Seriously, mostly at night. Ok, and during the day….. I’m still learning to sleep through his little parties. I get sad when he stops moving. Every one of my doctors said I wouldn’t feel anything at all until well after 20 weeks. I love that they were all wrong and my boy does what he wants.
What I miss: hmmm… a normal feeling rib cage….  Energy… I don’t know. I don’t think I really miss anything right now. sleep…. I do miss sleep….
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What I’m loving:  Growing a baby. Poking little dude. Calling him by name. Day dreaming about a life with baseballs and swimming lessons, and raising a little miniature version of my hubs. Creating a registry.
What I’m looking forward to:  *same* Letting my hubs feel movement once I get bigger. Looking forward to painting Little Mr’s room. Looking forward to announcing a name. Looking forward to so so much. A life full of baseballs, tackles, snuggle sessions, and raising a man who loves Jesus. A baby shower. I had thought I wasn’t going to have one, and then a few people stepped up and said it was going to happen. So I’m looking forward to celebrating little man. My first meeting with our Doula. YIPPY!!! Can’t wait!
Baby Purchases:  Nada.  We’ve been gifted so many things and I love how generous people are. I am just blown away. I think we’re waiting to really purchase more things until we at least get a start on little man’s room. We haven’t touched it. We should, but we haven’t. We probably should start.
Best moment this week: Watching little dude kick me from the outside. Eating my beloved burger. Going to a concert and feeling little one rock out to some worship tunes. 🙂
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Hello 20 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far! I’m thrilled to be on the other side of 20 weeks! (Today is 20+4, pic was taken on 20w)
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Happy Monday 🙂 Also, don’t forget, I am still running our fundraiser for our March of Dimes team. Please consider donating. If you have any questions, feel free to email me: mlwalker0909@gmail.com
Or you can make a tax deductible donation here:
I’ve reach $100 of my $250 goal. I’d like to raise more, but I think $250 is more reasonable for me 🙂

Changing Colors

You look at me with uncertainty
You look at me with urgency
You look at me with fear in your eyes
Like you’re about to fall away

Don’t be afraid to change your colours now
I’ve known you all summer and you rose above it all
I see you hesitate to fall now
But it’s a pretty good view from down here too

When the wind takes you it takes me too
And when you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
And when you let go, I will let go too

I knew you when you were green and small
Like a feather on a wing, so long
You know I will miss you when you are gone
But don’t be afraid if you just can’t hang on

Cause when the wind takes you it takes me too
When you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
When you let go, I will let go too

When the wind takes you it takes me too
And when you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
And when you let go, I will let go too

The cold air is pushing hard on you
I know what you’re saying, I can feel it too
You’ll go through changes and I’ll go through them too
Don’t be afraid now, no don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid

Cause when the wind takes you it takes me too
When you change colours, I’ll change mine too
Try not to think and I will try too
When you let go, I will let go too

Ok so this may seem like and odd choice in song (but I have to admit I absolutely love Josh Groban), but the biggest highlight of this last week was celebrating with my grandparents on Valentines Day. Why were we celebrating? Well, they’ve made it through 63 years of hard work, determination, understanding and extreme change. They’ve had to learn to evolve with each other, instead of away from each other. They’ve had to endure loss and frustration and addictions. They’ve seen the best of one another and the very worst of one another. They’ve had to let go of a lot and they’ve gotten to hold a lot. They’ve had very little, and they’ve had much. I couldn’t think of a better example of what marriage looks like. I’ll never forget around the year of their 60th (maybe 61st…?) anniversary, they went through a season of sickness and as I sat in the hospital with them my grandpa was bragging about the new rings they got each other. After 60 years, he’s bragging about the gifts they were capable of giving. After 60 years while he’s in a hospital bed and gown he’s still looking at his bride like the most prized possession he’ll ever have and hold.

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In 63 years will I be able to say that Connor and I have changed with each other, or away from each other? In 63 years will I still look at him like he’s the best gift that the Lord ever gave me? Will we always work as a team, let go together when it’s needed, or hold on tight together when it’s needed? I think that’s why I chose this song. Where you are, it’s where I want to be. Good, bad, ugly. When have little, and when we have lots. I want my colors to be capable of changing when needed. I want to be that example that my great grandkids look to and say, THAT’S the kind of marriage I want. I want to make it to 63 years and then some, lord willing we live that long!

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I love these two people, and quite a bit. I don’t see them as often as I’d like, I don’t talk to them as often as I’d like. Sometimes I’m a terrible granddaughter but every.single.time I call I am ALWAYS greeted with love and affection. Every.single.time I see them there are always tears in their eyes for the love and affection they feel for all their Grandkids and Great Grandkids. This. This is what love and commitment looks like. I couldn’t be more thankful to have a beautiful example.

Here’s to 60 and then some years, Love. I can’t wait to do all the ups and downs with you some more.

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This week I had the pleasure of becoming an Auntie again. Nope, not blood auntie, but I’ve received the honor of having that title for one of my closest friends newest addition. He is quite possibly the sweetest ever, and I know that I say it every time, but I really do mean it, every time.
Welcome to the world Deegan Asher, I’m so in love with you and I can’t wait to see what the Lord does in your amazing tiny little life!
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Alrighty, so for those that are interested, here is my weekly updates 🙂
Next appointment: End of February (17 weeks) – This will include an ultrasound.
Weight Gain/Loss: I am up 5 pounds max *I think*. To be honest I am not tracking this very well…
Exercise: Yoga, Yoga Yoga, my DVD came and I’m so excited. I’ve even convinced the husband to join me in my stretching endeavors!
Maternity clothes: About the same – I can’t say yes, but I can’t say no…. Mostly normal tops (although I’ve noticed they’re starting to roll up on occasion haha). Pants/leggings/skirts all maternity. Especially at the end of the day!
Sleep: Meh. sometimes ok, sometimes not.
Food cravings:  I’ve got nothing on my list that I HAVE to have. I’m still having a love obsession over fruit and veggies! WIN! Oh, and also I usually eat chips and salsa everyday at 10:30 AM. Healthy, I know….
Symptoms: Tired. Headaches, oh my gosh the headaches. They turn into full-blown migraines about 3-5 times a week. I finally reached my thresh-hold and my Primary doc gave me some Phenergran for the really really bad migraines. I hate taking it, but oh my gosh, it brings me sleep and relief from nauseating pain. Dizzy, lots of dizzy. Growing a belly!!
Baby’s Size/Milestones: Baby is now the size of a pickle (what the heck, who comes up with these?) measuring just over 4.5inches long and weighing just over 4 ounces. It’s wiggling around, sucking his/her thumb, and learning to listen with its newly refined ears. Each week, regardless of the veggie/fruit it compares it to, I am so amazed at the beautiful creation being knitted together inside of me. Babe’s heart rate is still consistently in the high 150’s and low 160’s.
Movement:  *same* I’ve decided that I’m not going to listen to my doctor anymore about movement. I don’t care where the heck the placenta is or how it will change what I feel from the babe moving. At this point it’s said to be unlikely that I feel the baby – I happen to maybe disagree. Someone said to me a few weeks ago, ” Whether you’re right or wrong about feeling the baby move, it’s better to just go with it and believe that it’s baby. No one can REALLY tell you that it’s not, and no one can REALLY tell you that it is. So you may as well enjoy whatever you feel and believe that it’s your baby.” I loved that. I know that I am super sensitive to what my body does so sure, maybe it’s gas… Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s digestion, maybe it’s not. But clearly new things are happening in this area and I’ve noticed. I choose to be excited and hope that just maybe it’s the start of something.
What I miss: Colton. I know I say Colton every week. But it’s true. He’s always on my mind – especially lately. On February 21st , 2014 I learned for the first time that I was pregnant with this sweet boy. My heart aches to know him and hold him, but I couldn’t be more thankful that he’s being held and known by the One who created him. I miss my skin…. I don’t want to look like an acne-prone teenager anymore. I also miss having the EXTRA energy to be a good housekeeper, although I made no bake cookies before work and I will say that I have MUCH pride in those cookies, I feel like Super Woman .
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What I’m loving:  Growing a baby, how amazing my hair feels and looks. I’m loving that I *think* I’m feeling more and more movement. It amazes me every time that there is a tiny human in there.
What I’m looking forward to:  Knowing that what I’m feeling is movements and knowing the gender…..I can’t wait to see babe SOOOON….. and buying ALL THE BABY THINGS.
Baby Purchases:  My sister was super generous and gifted us her crib, and Ergo baby wearing carrier thing, and a bunch of other accessories. We have also been gifted a few books and toys. This stuff totally just blesses me and makes me realized how loved this little one is. Blows me away, every.single.time. We now have two Costco size boxes of diapers, and we are working on a few house projects before we get started on baby purchases. I can’t wait to feel confident enough to buy things. As any RPL-er and they will tell you that buying baby things is a major trigger and whether you actually believe it or not, we feel it may jinx the pregnancy.
Best moment this week: Many people at work are getting wind that I am pregnant and so more and more people are starting to ask and I’ve really noticed how much support we have. It’s really a huge blessing. Also, we got some really fun news from our extended family and I can’t wait to share that in coming posts!!!!!!
Hello 16 weeks, I’m excited you’re here and thankful that I’ve been blessed to experience everything this far!
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Good Byes, Moods, and Squishy

It has been a very long week. A very long, exhausting week.

I’m not really sure where to start. We entered the weekend knowing that my Husband’s Grandma was not doing well and it progressed through the weekend. We spent a lot of time visiting her and seeing more and more of the family. On Monday while I was at work I got the phone call that it was probably a good day to come say our goodbyes. I finished up what needed to be done and bounced out of the office to go be with the family. When I got there she seemed to be doing better, although she was still in much pain and not really aware. I was and am so thankful for that time we got with her.

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It was a beautiful moment to watch a good portion of her grandkids (whom she loved with every single ounce of her being) sit with her and tell stories. Although Grandma wasn’t able to communicate with us, a few of her grunts were very obvious efforts at laughter. It was the most touching moment I have ever witnessed. I am so proud of my husband, his family, and his cousins. They are quite the spectacular bunch.

Come Tuesday Grandma was still fighting, but she finally went home to be with Jesus that afternoon. I am deeply saddened at losing a loved one and watching the family endure the pain of missing and losing a loved one, but I am also so incredibly thankful for her total and complete healing in heaven. No more pain, no more suffering. She’s free from sickness and free from this burdened world. I couldn’t be happier for her. She was a wonderful woman and her legacy will be carried for far more generations than I can count. She raised her kids right and loved her family well. I will always be the first to admit that even the comfort of knowing where she is doesn’t always make the sadness any easier. So I am constantly thinking and praying for the family.

I’ve been swamped at work (or so it feels), tired as can be, sicker than a dog, and trying my very best to keep up with blogs, the home, dinner, work, appointments, chores, errands, family get-together’s. So, that’s my excuse this week for being a tardy blogger. I’ve even contemplated stepping away from blogging/reading blogs just for a short time so that I can refocus and re-prioritize.

I’ve been going to the chiropractor twice a week for the last few weeks, we’ve discovered that most of my back pain I was experiencing was due to my actual pelvis being trapped/stuck together and unable to widen like it normally would during pregnancy. So we’ve been working on getting that freed up, only to find that my tailbone is actually twisted. So I’m thankful that I wasn’t just being a weenie when I was finding that my back was hurting more than what seemed like a normal annoying pregnancy thing.

The Hubs and I have been thoroughly enjoying our home Doppler. It’s been sooo good to us. Whoever tried to tell me that it would likely cause more stress than it’s worth was wrong. It’s been amazing. Especially since I took a nice spill down some stairs this week. I knew deep down everything was fine, but of course the tiny little voice of doubt crept in. It wasn’t like I went head first and tumbled. I fell backwards and my elbow took the majority of the beating, but I did land once on my shoulder then twice on my lower back. I thought for sure, at first, I broke my elbow since I hit it on tile flooring and heard a nasty crunch (it was just the metal piece that covered the transition between carpet and tile). But, all is well – I’m just a tad sore with a  few bruises. The next morning for reassurance I pulled out my Doppler and sure enough, whoosh, whoosh whooshing away was little Squishy.

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Speaking of little Squishy, I had my OB appointment, and let me tell you – it was a waste of time and money.

She used the Doppler, claimed to have heard the heart beat (which I didn’t even hear), asked how I was feeling, answered a couple of questions and sent me on my way. I had brought my husband along because last time I was in they said I would be getting an ultrasound… Well apparently not. I was not very happy about this. One – I wouldn’t have brought my husband along to talk about my bathroom habits and the nausea he is all too familiar with, two – she somehow acknowledged my anxieties but didn’t care that these things are a little stressful for me. Her compromise at first was to wait until I was 21 weeks to do the anatomy scan and since I was not too thrilled about waiting another 8 weeks to see what’s going on in there she said “Well, since you are a fertility treatment pregnancy we’ll do an extra scan at your next appointment”. So, basically 4 more weeks of waiting. Ok, ok, fine. Whatever…..  “Welcome to a normal pregnancy”. From where I stand, nothing will ever be normal. Never once have I sat in that OB waiting area and thought to myself that I am just another pregnant person. More often than not I don’t feel like I belong there.. Like I am some fake, or phony…. Doppler’s in a doctor’s office are still not my favorite (actually, seeing her Doppler today almost prompted me to run outta that room, scares me to death), ultrasounds, although they bring me MUCH relief, are not my favorite… Walking into that office takes every ounce of courage to forget the other hundreds of memories I have from those waiting rooms.

I am incredibly thankful that this is a seemingly normal and healthy pregnancy, but I refuse to completely forget the past I’ve experienced and I think it’s unreasonable to have anyone expect me to feel “safe” and “ok”. EVEN IF I have passed the major mile stones. I’m still learning to trust that my body isn’t going to kill my baby. Morbid, maybe. Realistic, yes.

Anyway, I’m off on a tangent….. Long story short, I had some unmet expectations today and it was a hard situation to deal with. I feel like my appointment could have been done over the phone and I wouldn’t have had to miss an hour and half (of mostly waiting mind you….) of work.

To add to the fiery tude I have today I will note: I have seen a major change in my mood the last few weeks. I believe I can blame some of this on the lovely hormones. I mean, hey! My Pregnancy App warned me that mood swings can be common. Apparently I thought I would be immune to that and not experience them. Haha, if only I were so lucky…. Let’s just say my tolerance level has decreased and my sensitivity increased, thus creating this little Mexican girl to go from 0-60 in no time flat. I don’t like it, I’m very aware of it, I’m doing my best to control it and learn my way through it. But, I’ve required a little more grace than usual… Just remember this next time I throw an eye roll your way 😉

Next appointment: End of February (17 weeks) – This will include an ultrasound, I double checked when checking out.
Total weight gain/loss: Definitely up something (like 2-4 pounds?) but I didn’t gain anything from my last OB appointment to this one.
Exercise: Yoga, and I’m making an effort to do more stairs and walk more as much as possible!
Maternity clothes: About the same – I can’t say yes, but I can’t say no…. My clothes are fitting weird now so I find that I’m in the “I look fat but can’t really tell that I’m pregnant” stage. My jeans have been swapped for leggings and on days that I need actual pants I do wear low/small panel maternity pants/jeans. They are more comfortable and should be available during non-maternity times as well. Whoever invented buttons and zippers failed us, big time.
Sleep: I need it. I crave it. Hmph. I mentioned my lack of sleep today, and she didn’t seem concerned… I think I average 3-4 hours a night… Not fun.
Food cravings:  Nothing… Gross, yuck, no thank you.
Symptoms: All the usual stuff and instead of getting better my body decided to trick me and now I am back to all day nausea, all day (minor) headaches, pretty intense fatigue. You know, the norm.
Movement:  TOO early…. The Dr suggested today that I will likely not feel anything until after viability (24 weeks).  I’m not even going to consider movement for a while.
What I miss: Colton. Sleep. Me.
What I’m loving:  Growing a baby
What I’m looking forward to:  Feeling movements and knowing the gender (End of March, unless we’re lucky and somehow they can sneak a peek at 17 weeks) and buying ALL THE BABY THINGS.
Best moment this week: I don’t really have a distinct best moment this week. I was looking forward to my appointment…. But now that that’s done, I can’t even say that was fun….. OOH, I know….. My boss and I were talking this morning and she said, ” I can see your baby”. That was a fun moment. Although I personally think I just look a little flubby! Haha!
So, 13 weeks….. Some say now is when the 2nd Trimester starts (some say 14 weeks)… So I am somewhere between the 1st and 2nd Tri…. yep, I wore the same dress (again) so I could compare, it’s just SOOO comfortable!
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Lovely Blog Award

The One Lovely Blog Award is given to bloggers by fellow bloggers. It’s designed to promote up-and-coming blogs, and to highlight those blogs that are thought to be “lovely” by the person nominating them. I don’t typically participate in the award blogs but I was nominated by a couple of you so I figured I would participate.

I am so thankful for the blogging community that I have found. It has been a huge source of strength and knowledge as I journey down this really messy road. It’s a safe haven and a place where I know that I am understood and my grieving process is fully acceptable and noted as a personal journey. To know that I have two ladies who have nominated me (that I am aware of), just fills my heart! Thank you ladies, seriously!!

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Rules for winning this award are very simple, here they are:

Thank the person who has nominated you.

  • Provide a link to his/her blog
  • List the rules
  • Include 7 facts about yourself
  • Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know that they have been nominated
  • Display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Seven facts about myself:

I have a twin sister! We look very much alike but we are fraternal. We are natural occurring twins too, incase anyone was wondering 🙂 My sister is probably the closest person to me and we have weird twin type telepathic magic powers I swear. We fight like no one I’ve ever fought with and in a matter of seconds it is resolved and life is back to normal. It’s weird and super interesting, but I love that I share my life with another part of me.

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Me – Right, Sissy – Left

I am a worship leader at my home church. It’s the biggest part of my life and probably one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done. My ultimate goal in life is to do ministry/worship full-time. Being able to lead others into worship and teach people how to enter into that direct line of access to the Holy Spirit is basically the definition of “having a front row seat to watching the Lord work”. It’s exhausting and requires loads of energy but never once has it felt like work and never once have I not had enough strength to do what I have been called to do. There has never been any question in my mind about what He calls of me. This could seriously be a WHOLE post in its self.

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Church in the Park

I paint my nails only to end up picking 90% of the polish off by the end of day 3. I hate that I do it and it must be subconscious thing. I try to blame it on my desk job where I type a lot during the day to start chipping it, but even before my current career my polish would be gone in a matter of days. I would prefer fake nails but it’s not in the budget. This issue really only gives me a great excuse to have lots of fun colors to paint my nails every 4 days. 🙂

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I snapped this sad picture TODAY to prove to you! Although I painted these on Saturday morning so they have lasted me longer, but it will come off tonight! Ewww

I am always tired. Seriously, ask my husband. I could probably sleep 20 hrs a day and be tired the other 4 hours I am awake. For a short period of time, after we lost Colton, I started staking a different type of Folate and B vitamins to treat the MTHFR. These helped me SO much but I once my body adjusted to taking the new stuff I went back my self. And before I get questions, yes we’ve checked my vitamin levels, iron and thyroid and a whole array of things. I’m just a sleepy person. I doesn’t matter what I eat, how much I do or don’t exercise, it’s just part of my personality I suppose.

I drink coffee everyday. BUT, it is always decaf. I haven’t had a full beverage of caffeine in 2 years. After meeting my naturopath we discovered several intolerances and allergies that I have. Caffeine being one of them. I have lived with stomach aches and pains and bloat for my whole life, then we did some tests and BAM, it’s like I am a whole new person! Since I have cut out a lot of stuff I know when I eat or drink something I shouldn’t have within minutes. It’s awful!

Like so many others, I love fall and I have always loved PUMPKIN everything, until this year. For some reason I can’t stand pumpkin in my coffee, or the smell of it. I’ve been juicing for a while now, and my sister and I added pumpkin into it and I can say with certainty that I will never do that again. I love pumpkin seeds, or looking at pumpkins or a certain pumpkin cookie recipe my friend L makes (HEAVEN), I love the apple orchards, corn mazes, and chilly weather with cute boots a scarf and comfy sweaters. I love apple cider, cozy sweats, a fire-place and my man snuggle buggin’ on the sofa with our 3 furry friends.

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I am incredibly passionate about people, sometimes to a fault. My feelings get hurt really easily and I take everything personally. I make it a point to scroll through my contacts in my phone frequently and ask the Lord to speak to me and reach out to someone. Sometimes it’s a lot of people, sometimes it’s just one, sometimes it’s none. Usually it’s just a text but sometimes it’s a call or a coffee date request. I LOVE people. If you want to be loved on, send me an email and I would be happy to get in contact with you.

You guys that was soooo hard!! HAHA, I literally had to take about 1.5 hours to find just 7 things about myself, and even then they aren’t that interesting of facts. Well maybe they are?

It was super fun and now I get to pass the torch along to some others! I don’t think I know of 15 bloggers who haven’t done this already, but here are the few that I do know, and if you happen to have NOT done this quirky game yet, please just consider this your nomination 🙂 I pretty much think all the blogs I follow are amazing and each one of those women are amazing individuals.

  • Fortitude in Fitness (sissy)
  • In It For Love
  • Genuine Greavu
  • Faith and Family (To Be)