The family photos that I’ll never forget…

***Trigger warning***

It was a Friday Morning. I was in pain and I knew I’d need the root canal THAT day. Sure enough, after I had been on antibiotics for a few days- it still did nothing. So I quickly showered and saw my home pregnancy tests sitting there– staring at me. I figured it would probably be good to know before my appointment, right? Right!

Logically I knew it was still “early”. My cycles were slightly unpredictable since I am still breastfeeding. But before I hopped into the shower I took the test and let it sit as I rushed into the shower – I had 30 minutes- YIKES. Mid-way through my mind NEEDED a sneak peak.

Positive. Holy cow. Super positive. Insert ugly happy cry in the shower! Afterwards I immediately text my friend who I had planned on asking to do our family pictures. I was eager to surprise my husband with the news and she was gracious enough to sneak in some pictures that night.

I rushed through my routine and flew out the door to make it to the dentist on time – joyous, ecstatic, grateful, incredibly happy. All the details to surprise Connor with the news came into place and all I had left to do way pray my face was un-numbed by that evening.

Sure enough, I was completely un-numb and felt mostly great! It was so much fun keeping a tiny little secret and I couldn’t wait to tell Connor. I’d never been able to surprise him before!

The next morning I woke up in searing, horrific pain – in my face. It stretched across my jaw, into my cheek bone, up through my eye and sinuses. It tore down through my neck and made my entire body stiff. It was then my doubt crept in- knowing I would need more antibiotics. Don’t get me wrong, I know most antibiotics are considered “safe” while pregnant- but my brain- just couldn’t truly believe it wouldn’t have any impact.

I suffered through many more days of agonizing, debilitating pain until someone listened to me and I was seen by an Endodontist. Right there, on the spot, they determined that I would need to have oral surgery- and due to my pregnancy status and emergent situation they would not be able to sedate me- and typically they will not do this type of surgery without sedation. I was terrified but also willing to finally be pain free. I needed it. My kids and family needed me.

It was horrific. It was worse than I could have ever imagined. It was traumatizing and horrible and incredibly painful- even with TONS of local anesthetic. They were so patient and kind. If I felt anything they attempted to numb me more. But due to the location and issue some things just could not be fully numbed. They allowed Connor to come back and sit by me and hold my hand while I sobbed and begged to be finished. I was so vulnerable and needy and scared. They were, again, so patient and kind. So understanding and encouraging me along the way.

In that moment, I knew my body was not a hospitable environment for new life. In those moments I heard clearly from the Lord how much He loved me and He was there with me. Little did I understand those words would be the words I needed to carry me through.

A week later I felt empty. I just knew and when I got out of bed that’s when I saw. I was lightly spotting. This can be a completely normal symptom and one that is very common in early pregnancy. But I knew. I spent the entire day trying to convince myself that it was truly ok.

When my phone rang around 430p I was prepared. My beta HCG had dropped significantly. I know they talked me through the “what to know” and “what to do”- but it was drowned out. I was blank. I heard. I responded. But it was like my own personal ground hog day.

I’ve done this before. A few times. But a part of me was so confident and so prideful that this wasn’t a part of me anymore. I thought I was “over this”. I thought I was suddenly immune to more loss. Shame on me.

I wish I had some happy ending or some “ah-ha” moment or even some enlightenment. But I’m not there yet. My rage and anger and sorrow and grief was delayed as I was still healing from a profoundly traumatic oral surgery, the loss of a high school friend, and a friend of mine now fighting for his life. All my personal things got pushed to the side. I truly had (and still have) some peace. And I fully believe God is still speaking peace and love into my life. But I am deeply haunted by my past losses bringing in RPL PTSD, fear, trauma, and grief.

Due to the extent of the oral surgery and injury I was literally forced and unable to cry. It made the pain intense and the swelling caused so much pressure that I forced myself to stuff things in. I literally had to choose between physical pain or emotional pain and I was so incredibly overwhelmed that I felt – and still feel a so much chaos inside me.

No happy ending. No sermon of hope. All I know is He is near. What He says IS true. Those words spoken to me during intense physical pain have stood the test of time and I believe His words. So there is hope in His word. There is comfort- I just haven’t been deeply impacted by it yet. I’m still waiting.

I am now a Momma of 7- 5 in the care of the Lord and 2 placed here on earth. It’s incredibly hard to fathom and understand that His ways are indeed higher and better- but in the midst of it all- He is still so so good.

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Happy Birthday Kobe (a month late 😂)

Kobe is now just shy of 13 months, so basically my motto for his first year of life: Better late than never!

And just like that, he’s 1. What a wild, wonderful, fast, amazing year. I survived. We conquered, we thrived!

Dear Kobe,

You are brilliant. You are intentional and witty. You tend to wear you emotions on your sleeve, just like me. Your heart is tender and sweet. Your spirit is gentle and strong. I am so beyond thankful and grateful for your presence in our family. You being something unique and challenging.

You have been a pretty “fussy” babe and slowly making your way into a joyfully funny kid. You are bright and you learn things extremely quickly and we are consistently impressed with the things that you pick up on and mimic.

God has placed a special gift in you and we are thrilled to stand by you, instilling the truth of who you are in Him.

We love you Kobe!

Love you always,

Your Momma

Kobe’s Likes: Snacks. Give him a “Baaaaar” and “Moaaaaaaaaa!” Are his two favorite things ever. And baths. And playing… naked. Mostly wrestling. Or maybe pushing trucks and race cars around. He really loves to eat. He really loves his bro bro too. Actually- there isn’t much he doesn’t like- unless it’s ending his favorites….

Kobe’s disklikes: blowing his nose, diaper and wardrobe changes. You’d think we were torturing him. I’m guilty of having to hold his down with my knee, then using both hands to do things as quickly as possible. He doesn’t really care for teething either.

Nicknames: Bubba, bro bro.

Height & Weight: 24lbs even and 30″ tall. I was a little off last month 😂

  • Milestones:
    • Walking like a champ
      Signing a little (More, please, all done)
      Mastered the stairs going up and now down with no assistance.
      Trying to ditch that first morning nap and sleeping from 730p-445am (occasionally going back to sleep, but not too often, we’re working reaaally hard at changing this.)
      Saying: Mama, More, Bar.
      Normal, typical development!

    Kobe is truly a joy to our family. We all thoroughly enjoy him!

    Family VayCay – Point Defiance Zoo

    For Crosby’s birthday this year we decided to ditch a party and do a quick family trip (3 days) and let him explore the zoo and aquarium. I was pretty disappointed that upon arrival the aquarium portion was closed due to renovations. The new spot they built was opening just a few short weeks later. Maybe next time!

    We had a wonderful time. The boys both did fantastic on the drive there and back. It was about a 5hr drive (give or take) there and back. Minimal tears- and sleep 😂 the hotel stay was less than desirable but tolerable for sure! It was so fun to sneak away as a family and just enjoy each other and the kiddos.

    11 months (…and then some)

    Dear Kobe,

    At just shy of 1 full year being on this big ol’ planet – your light shines the brightest. You’re moody like your momma, smart like your daddy, silly like your bro bro, and so.stinking.busy.

    I thought big bro bro was a busy boy, you’ve put him to shame. Your eagerness and pace at which you learn and pick up on things (especially humor and wit) is impeccable. Your desire to climb on all the things leaves me on my tippy-toes all day.

    I am so lucky to be your momma. You have a sweet and quiet spirit within you baby-cakes. I know God has big things planned for your life- especially that perfectly raspy/husky voice of yours.

    I love you- so much!

    Love you always,

    Your Momma

    Kobe’s likes: snacks. I could probably end the list there. But he does enjoy bath time quite a bit! He loves his bro bro, he is especially fond of destroying anything big bro bro has been building, haha! Sometimes you’ll hear him be called “monster baby!”. His favorite food is a banana. Which is funny, cause he hated them for quite a while.

    Kobe’s dislikes: diaper or clothing changes take the cake. I legit have to sit on him or put a knee on his chest (gently of course). He’s not a big fan of any type of meat. He is also in “separation anxiety” phase. Ugh. So basically – stage 5 clinger. Thankfully there isn’t much on his “dislike” list.

    Nicknames: Bubba, Kobbers, Chunky, Kobs, Little Bro Bro.

    Height & weight: Your guess is as good as mine. But maybe around 25lbs and 30″ tall? We’ll know more at the end of September.

    Milestones:

    • Proficient at climbing stairs (still needs help going down) and crawling.
    • Cruising furniture like it’s is job (and climbing chairs, tables, etc)
    • Sleeping decently at night- won’t give up that last 3/4am feeding quite yet. (10-11hrs at night, 2 naps: 1-1.5 hrs each)
    • Babbles like cray-cray but all the “words” he was using previously- disappeared. Perhaps they’ll come back soon after he masters…. whatever he’s trying to master haha!
    • Keeps up with Big Bro Bro quite well!