The Final Result/Back to SRM

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving Family and Friends!! I hope you enjoyed time with your loved ones and had your fill of yummy food and tasty treats!

As I previously wrote about I had my final beta which came back at a beautiful big fat negative. I was relieved that things were back to square one and I could move on. A week later (this last Monday) I was able to go in and visit with my Midwife. She was loving, kind, and incredibly caring. Her sensitivity was perfect. Her concern and care for my heart was very motherly. She is who delivered my son and so she’s very familiar with our story and medical history. She was incredibly thorough and we went back and discussed all of my RPL blood results from 2014 to ensure there wasn’t a missing piece. Sure enough it seems like most of our pieces were covered and she highly suggests waiting a few months to try again. And when we’re ready, she also suggests that we do not try naturally. 

Back to SRM (Seattle Reproductive Medicine) we go. I’m devastated to know that my RE, whom I adore, is leaving the practice in January and moving to another state and whole other clinic. I was hoping to get in before he left for a little chit chat and baseline. But, I just don’t think any of this is in the cards for us financially at the moment. So, we’ll be on an indefinite break until we can find some extra wiggle room in our budget or I have a chance to call our new insurance and see what is covered. I’m marginally ok with this. I have a million conflicted feelings in regards to attempting another baby. And a really large part of my heart is slowly entertaining the idea of Crosby being an only biological child. Perhaps even just an only child in general. I’m thankful for the amount of peace I have with this whole situation. 

I am slightly disappointed that because of RPL I am now not a firm candidate for the birth center that allows for early release to go home. This new birth center opened about 3 weeks after Crosby was born and I had desires to deliver there in the future. But after our conversation she said that typically in circumstance like mine they prefer more monitoring. But, they might wiggle the rules for me since my previous labor was textbook perfection. I had minimal checks/monitoring. It was medication free and a spontaneous labor. So I have confidence that if I have any subsequent babes the labor will be similar. Which that alone makes me a great candidate for this birth center. So, we’ll cross that bridge when/if we get there. But for now, I at least can still see my midwife after 12 weeks or whenever the RE releases me.

My hubby feels as though there might be another biological babe for us in the future, but I haven’t really had that same ah-ha moment. Or feel like there’s really much of a promise of more kids. All I know is sometimes I feel like there is one more babe to love. There’s one more to be had. Who knows. Our “feelings” aren’t necessarily very accurate or trust worthy. Especially when it comes to RPL or infertility. 
Hopefully everyone is enjoying left over turkey and pie! 💙

Once Upon A Time…

I used to be a fairly regular blogger. Now, my blogging only pops up on my radar every couple of weeks. Then it takes me another solid 2 weeks to write, attempt at editing, and post the actual blog. I wish I were more diligent. My attempts are getting better, and I think as we dive back into RPL and trying once again at expanding our family it deserves to be resurrected.

I find it odd, but also amusing that I’m here again – documenting to strangers, and family, our story and what it takes to grow a family. It feels… awkward. Or less necessary? But, I also know that because of the way I allowed myself to be transparent in the past – several women found hope and comfort in Jesus (and shared stories) during their own struggles with repeat pregnancy loss, infertility, or similar issues. So, out of obedience- I share. It’s uncomfortable. Still. I’ve been blogging for 3.5 years and I shutter every time I press “publish”. But this I know- God has called me and uses me as a vessel to show His great and abundant blessings and goodness.

I was recently asked by a friend how I was doing… this was in light of our most recent loss this month… I told her that I was stuffing it down. Refusing to deal with it and I vented away and complained of passing comments made by others who simply just didn’t know what they were saying. As I realized I was rambling on and on of all the ways I’ve actually processed this new phase she responds to me:

well it sounds like you are dealing with it more than you think ❤️ you are doing everything you need momma, your heart will know when it’s time to do more

It was a great reminder that while I was sitting here being all stubborn the Lord was STILL faithful in working things out in me. He was still diligently, patiently, lovingly working out all these big and heavy feelings. Feelings of inadequacy, brokenness, sorrow, GASP- Relief… yeah, I said it. Relief. Did I want to lose a baby, No!! Was this pregnancy planned and wanted- absolutely. Did I have my off-moments of doubt that I was actually really truly ready for a second child- heck yes. These were all muddy thoughts and feelings to be sorting through. But in His great love for me He had already been tending to my heart. He’d already been pruning and caring for me while I was oblivious and thinking I was being sneaky and ignoring the pain.

He’s that good.

This 4th loss has been polar opposite of my previous losses. Simultaneously better and worse. Better because I have a firm foundation of faith, better because of my past experiences. Better because I have a little tiny gift of a child running around tripping me all day. Worse…. simply because I know now exactly what I am missing out on. Before Crosby, my losses were real- but I had no reference point. I didn’t truly know from experience the love expansion after meeting your child. But now I know and I can’t unknow something as rich and satisfying as that.

I’ve been slightly impressed with the way I’ve dealt with myself. Minimal melt downs, mainly because I feel at peace. I feel constantly strengthened by strength that is not my own. I have a deep seeded peace that doesn’t allow something to shake me to the core. Did it feel like I was drowning in sorrow, oh yes. I still feel that way. But, because of His love for me, I can drown my sorrows in Him. I can’t guarantee this is how I feel at every moment (cause let’s be honest, my feelings are very unreliable). But, I know the truth.

I’m processing.

He is faithful.

He will complete the work in me He has started.

His plan and will for my life is for my good and His glory.

All the praise and glory and honor and credit go to Him. Without His promises and faithfulness I wouldn’t have Crosby.

My hopes are that whomever is reading is encouraged. Even while knee deep in sorrow. You can have hope and be in the midst of pain/grief/sorrow.

They can co-exist.

My last, and hopefully final, beta draw is Monday. We’ll then have a lovely follow up come the 21st. Not sure what all this will entail- but just maybe we’ll get one step closer to another chapter- one that ends in another rainbow! 💜💙

15 months 


15 Months

Weight: we aren’t sure- his 15m appt isn’t until Tomorrow but our guesstimate is roughly 26lbs and 33 inches tall! He is in mostly 18-24m clothing and some exclusive 24m clothing. He has a long torso and shorter legs, so sometimes they’re a little long. 😍

Words: Not a whole lot going on with words. He was saying things but then stopped completely. He babbles constantly and I think he’s starting to attempt at picking those words back up- but I can’t tell. I’m sure he’s fine, but we’ll chat at his appointment!


Teeth: He has 8 teeth and I think he’s starting to work on some molars. Either way teething isn’t too terrible for us, thankfully!

Sleep/Naps: Crosby takes one 2-3hr nap a day in the early afternoon. Bedtime is usually around 630/7p and he sleeps through the night until 6-7a. On occasion he’ll sleep until 7:15a! We love that he’s finally a decent sleeper! (Thanks Julia!!)

Nicknames: Turbo, chobby, Chobs, Bubba 💙

Milestones: 

  • Walking forward and most recently backwards.
  • Attempting at Climbing up on everything 
  • Loves attempting to get dressed himself (socks, shoes)
  • Dancing like crazy
  • Follows simple instructions very well (can you take this to daddy, bring me your sock.. etc)
  • Likes to color/explore arts and crafts
  • Great at identifying who is who (where is George – our cat – or where is mommy/daddy/kitty)
  • Understands when we tell him we’re going somewhere and runs for the door waving bye-bye.
  • Independently brush his teeth – but not thoroughly so I help afterwards 😂
  • Makes the sound of/shows us what an elephant says as well as a lion and when he sees a peacock he says “caaak, caaak”
  • Can identify his nose, belly button, head. He can almost get his eyes and ears now. Haha

So many things for this busy boy! He is our Joy. He is such a gift. We’re having more fun than ever! 

Dear Crosby, 

You have a bright Future and you are such a passionate, opinionated, strong person. I am so proud of you and delighted to be your mommy. 

Your heart and passion for little kids, music, and Jesus is so apparent already. I can’t wait to watch your relationship with Jesus flourish. 

You are such a gift to me, Crosby. I love you more than you will ever fathom. It breaks me and fills me daily! 

Love you always,

Your Momma

*trigger*


See you soon, baby – who ever you might have been! You’ve shown me that I’m not as broken as I thought I was. You helped me remember that I’m not a wreck, that I am strong, capable, and incredibly thankful for a healthy body, a rainbow baby and people in my corner. 4 miscarriages is 4 too many but for some reason God has another Miracle to work out. He’s entrusted me to carry out something. A something I know nothing about… something I wish I understood. A bigger plan. A ministry of hope and encouragement. Some days I would rather hide it all…I’m embarrassed to be the one who can’t keep a pregnancy… but I believe it’s important to always share the good work He’s started in me and that He will complete. Im incomplete and He’s working on something good, of that I know!

*Celebrating Life – Nov 9, 2014*


Happy 2nd Birthday sweet boy. We miss you something fierce little Colton James Brooks 💙

Ocean of Sorrow

 

You  Hold It All Together
It feels like an ocean of sorrow is under my skin
Even the ocean eventually meets with the sand
Sorrow on sorrow, I’m waiting
Heavy I’m anticipating
Trusting the current, will carry me
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
We come with great expectations, and fears in our hearts
Send us Your light, as we’re making our way through the dark
All of the earlier troubles
Chaos and pain they unravel
Looking ahead we rejoice in You
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
Like a stone, in the wasteland
I was useless, until You
Lifted high, in Your mercy
Out of sorrow and made new
Oh this mind, it can’t measure
All Your favours in this world
So we shout in adoration
Holy, holy are You Lord
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
-All Sons & Daughters-

Oct 3rd was CD1.

Oct 27th –  BFP

  • Beta 1 – 21.5 @ 11 dpo (oct 27)
  • Beta 2 – 39 @ 13 dpo (oct 29)
  • Beta 3 – 89 @ 15 dpo (oct 31)

Nov 6th – Miscarriage #4 confirmed

I was always concerned about loss after our rainbow baby but I never actually thought it would happen. So many people tell you and make comments about your body getting “reset” after pregnancy. You hear that often times women who had issues before a successful pregnancy find themselves “cured” afterwards. I actually fell for it. I believed whole heartedly that I was IN that category. Completely ignoring the fact that I am not immune to pregnancy loss. Because the beta’s were so low to begin with I wasn’t super hopeful but I had faith that because it was a naturally occurring pregnancy it would last. Cause my God is just THAT good…. right? So they started doubling appropriately and they assured me that was what mattered – not the number. I found myself wanting to be hopeful and I was excited but hesitant. But the entire time I felt empty. It didn’t feel right. I think my momma radar was going off. I just knew. On Sunday I started experiencing deep localized pain and because of my history I was concerned about a tubal pregnancy. Granted, it was very early, but for peace of mind I drove myself to the ER at 8p to be checked out. Thankfully we were able to rule out a tubal pregnancy. However, my beta had dropped to 24. So, it was confirmed. Today my body got the memo. At least it knows what to do. But my goodness it is painful. I feel ill.

My heart hurts. I hold my son and wonder if he’s the only miracle I’ll get. I am sad because now I really know exactly what I am missing out on. I feel doubt and am faced with another faith crisis. I’m mad because my body continues to fail me. I’m disappointed that I have old lady eggs and cannot sustain a pregnancy. I am hurt that each time I see the dr or call to report anything I have to answer that this was my 5th (!!) pregnancy… But I have only 1 living child. A true miracle. Tonight as I tucked him in I whispered into his neck – “Crosby, you are a true gift. Don’t ever forget that”.

But at the same time – maybe it’s easier in some ways than all the other losses. Maybe because it was early? Maybe because I feel firm in my faith and foundation. Maybe because I’ve now experienced the highs and the lows of loss and redemption. Maybe I can firmly stand in faith that my God does provide and perform miracles… Maybe I just don’t have time to dissolve into a puddle of tears. I have a living child who needs me. And all of me.

I am increasingly more and more thankful for the One who can hold me together when I feel like I would prefer to unravel… again.

Last I spoke about planning for #2 I was in the process of tests. Lots and lots of tests. Well I’ve got results:

  • AMH – .90
  • FSH – 9.2
  • TSH – .87
  • FREE T3 & T4 – 3.2 & 1.12
  • ESTRODIOL – 57
  • LH – 5.6
  • CD 21 Progesterone – 19
  • 96 different foods allergy panel, Allergies include:
    • Chicken Eggs
    • Yeast (bakers and brewers)
    • Yogurt
    • Amaranth
    • Mushrooms
    • Whey
    • Wheat/Gluten
    • Cane Sugar, Sugar
    • Soft Cheeses

So, in all reality things could look worse, but I think it could look a lot better! I’m happy to have a reference point for the future. We’ll be on a mandatory break to allow my body to heal and time for me (and hubby) to emotionally process. I’m still struggling with wrapping my head around the idea of another loss. I don’t even know how this became my life.. I love my life – but simultaneously want a new one.

I am so so grateful for a select few friends who have taken the time to check in on me, offer help and send their love/prayers/spend a whole morning with me listening to me and keeping me sane.